OT: Angry, upset, fedup ...need a listening ear

[peanut1967]

So we are going on a break this week just 4 days but looking forward to it. The cases are in my son's room , hes 18 almost 19, he was asked this morning to bring the cases down, he said he didnt have the time.....

Any way after me sending him a sarcastic text saying thanks for the help and that I dont ask him to do much, i told him I would get them myself. For years son has been asking for the loft rooms, enough for 1 bedroom and a living area and we pleaded our case to my other half, anyway we redecorated for him, telly, couch nice stuff on the understanding he kept it 'tidy' I do not expect perfection I am untidy myself, although a clean house I am a crafter and dont do tidy for long.

So I went up to get the cases, OMG the smell...mouldy food...dirty clothes and worse still used condoms. He has been told and told about keeping his room up to a certain standard. I am so angry I have in fact told he needs to find somewhere else to go. I have found long lost tupperware up in his room which I cannot replace which he has broken, scissors that are new and I couldnt find for love or money. I am so angry and upset and let down.

A

 

[Disneychix]

I'm sorry!
It's too bad that your DS is taking advantage of what you have provided for him. Time to use some tough love and let him know he is still under your roof and he needs to respect that.

 

[wilderness01]

So we are going on a break this week just 4 days but looking forward to it. The cases are in my son's room , hes 18 almost 19, he was asked this morning to bring the cases down, he said he didnt have the time.....

Any way after me sending him a sarcastic text saying thanks for the help and that I dont ask him to do much, i told him I would get them myself. For years son has been asking for the loft rooms, enough for 1 bedroom and a living area and we pleaded our case to my other half, anyway we redecorated for him, telly, couch nice stuff on the understanding he kept it 'tidy' I do not expect perfection I am untidy myself, although a clean house I am a crafter and dont do tidy for long.

So I went up to get the cases, OMG the smell...mouldy food...dirty clothes and worse still used condoms. He has been told and told about keeping his room up to a certain standard. I am so angry I have in fact told he needs to find somewhere else to go. I have found long lost tupperware up in his room which I cannot replace which he has broken, scissors that are new and I couldnt find for love or money. I am so angry and upset and let down.

A

He is showing disrespect so I would show him the door. Sorry that you are going through this.

 

[tomthebarncat]

After I dropped out of college the second time (1981)and cheerfully went home I had similiar issues being "me" in someone elses house. When my dad had to discuss certain house rules, and my inability to abide by them for the third time, this is what he told me " GET UP GET OUT THE FREE RIDE IS OVER!" He was serious and gave me 100 bucks and 48 hours to find a new place to be a pig in!! at one point I had every glass from the kitchen under my bed, that was the breaking point, when he went searching for dishes!! ranting and raving like a lunatic. I ended up moving in with my moms best friend, she called my dad and told him where I was, and he told her "she is all yours now and he hoped she used papercups!". I learned a valuable lesson and if my kid was doing the same, time to be a pig on your own dime!!

 

[AKBAFB]

I'm sorry peanut, he is being disrespectful, so I can understand why you're "angry, upset, fedup..." As a young man, he obviously needs some privacy, but it's your home and as such he should respect your rules. Moldy food, dirty laundry, and used condoms...yuck! That's not just messy, but unsanitary. He should be held to at least a bare minimum of cleanliness. And as far as bringing the cases down, any able-bodied child should assist his parent with a simple task when asked. Good luck, I hope you get this resolved and don't let him get away with it!

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I just want to see the girl that steps over the moldy piece of pizza and broken nasty plates to get to the bed to have sex with him!!

 

[TexasMinnie82]

I feel your pain!!! We are going thru the same thing right now with my brother. He has been living with us for 6 months now. I let him move in because he had no place else to go. He was living in his car and had been jobless for over 6 months. He found a job right before he moved in. We told him he could stay with us for 3 months. Long enough to get on his feet. He only had to pay us $150 a month for rent, keep his room clean, and take the trash when it full. If he ate food that was fine, but every once in a while replace it.

Sooo...... 6 months later here we are. It has been a fight every month for rent. He hardly ever took the trash out, after asking 3 and 4 times. Ate so much food and never replaced it. The last straw was him yelling at our kids. We tried to tell him it was not his responsibility to discipline our kids, but he just didn't get it.

SO we told him he has till Fri. morning to get out. We leave for Disney World around noon, and we told him the house would be locked up so you better get what you need before we leave!!

It breaks my heart, but my Mom just keeps telling me we are not helping him any!! SO I guess I have to believe her. I guess he is going to have to hit rock bottom before he can get it together. (Although for me I don't know how you can get much lower than living in your car. But for him that wasn't enough)

I know what you are going thru. Be Strong!! And good luck!!!!

 

[Suzanna1973]

My DD just graduated high school and unfortunately we had to kick her out the week before the graduation ceremony. She has refused to obey rules for the past two years and I finally reached my limit....groundings and whatnot were just things she ignored.

You always hate to have your baby leave the nest and go out on their own, but sometimes tough love has to happen in order for your child to grow in a mature way. They have to learn that mom and dad can't always be there to catch them when they fall.


Good luck OP....

 

[peanut1967]

thanks you guys, its been a tough day.

Just so you can follow this is what happend not so long ago and he is still with the girl:
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?p=24548430#post24548430&highlight=girlfriend+cancer

anyway I sat down and typed out terms for him to follow if he stayed. He came home and I asked if there was anything he wanted to say, basically he said no and was more angry that I went in his room well we all know why now!

I read the terms out :
keep room relatively clean
no eating or drinking in room ( I like to use plates and cups myself...without fungi all over them!)
used condoms must be disposed of the same night of use( just to say if you read the above post this girl as not been allowed to stay over or anything, so these were from his previous girlfriend who he saw for 3 years but finished in Feb...double yuck!)
Keep to be paid on time on Friday ( he pays £15 per week)
On a week night in before 11pm or find somewhere else to sleep.

I dont think these are overly tight restrictions...but he did and told me he would find somewhere else to live. A lot of tough love going on here....and I think its hurting me more than him

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I dont think these are overly tight restrictions...but he did and told me he would find somewhere else to live. A lot of tough love going on here....and I think its hurting me more than him

In the short term, I'm sure it is hurting you more than him. However, if you did not put your foot down now, you would be doing more harm than good by letting him remain forever a child, and he would never grow up. I find it scary that we wouldn't dare let a stranger treat us like dirt, but it's okay when our family does.

Let him go. He'll realize exactly how good he had it once he's out of your house and toughing it out trying to make ends meet.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that you have been beyond helpful. There is nothing wrong with giving your kids a place to live but when they turn your home into their own personal flophouse it is time to show them the door. Your son knew the rules and he chose to break them. He may be an adult but he is under your roof an is benefiting from your generosity.

I agree with the others who say that you really are not helping him to grow up and become a responsible adult. If you were not there tomorrow to pick him up what would he do? My DH nephew is almost 40 and he has been living like a sloppy nasty lazy gigolo for more years than I can count. He has abused his poor GM's home and hospitality and has never helped her or anyone else yet will be the first to ask for help. He has finally run out of people ans places to mooch off of and has had to stand up. He is still nasty, selfish, self absorbed and too stupid for words but he now works. He has to, his son is almost three YO and he was so nasty to his GF that they are no longer together. He stopped seeing us when my DH put his foot down when he was terribly rude again in our home, but we heard that he has custody of this poor baby.

Don't wait to make a stand, he will never do this unless you decide that you are not willing to subsidize his lifestyle adn his behavior. Best of luck to you.

 

[veraletta]

I think boys are really bad for taking advantage of their mother, I know my son was really bad for it.
That why he is in his own place I couldn't take it any more, well he still drops by just about every day to eat, and at least once a week to have his clothes washed, but at least he isnt here all day long making messes.

I guess boys just take longer to grow up. He does come to see what I need at the drop of a hat all I have to do is call him or email him and he will come see what I need.

 

[minkydog]

I just want to see the girl that steps over the moldy piece of pizza and broken nasty plates to get to the bed to have sex with him!!

Actually, I sympathize with you mom. I have a 21yo son. He was a real piece of work all through HS. When he turned 18 his dad had a little talk with him and let him know he was welcome to stay as long as he could live by our rules. For awhile DS lived elsewhere, until he learned that living on your own isn't as easy as it looks.
He still likes to live in a mess, but he never gives me any grief about cleaning up. He knows he is but one argument away from living in the street, so he minds his p's and q's

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I just want to see the girl that steps over the moldy piece of pizza and broken nasty plates to get to the bed to have sex with him!!

I was just thinking that.
I'm sorry you are having a time of it. Hopefully it will get better soon.

 

[peanut1967]

I am going to tough it out, but its hard.

I have very little family, My daughter is 15 ,my Mum has mental health problems so I tend to mother her more than she does me. My siblings died when they were young...so I feel like I am pushing away the little family I have, but I also Know I have to do it.

 

[miss missy]

I am going to tough it out, but its hard.

I have very little family, My daughter is 15 ,my Mum has mental health problems so I tend to mother her more than she does me. My siblings died when they were young...so I feel like I am pushing away the little family I have, but I also Know I have to do it.

Just caught up on this. WOW it hasn't been easy has it. Sorry for all that.

I have been through some times back when my one of my children where a teen. It was pure HECK and it almost put me in the loony bin I swear! I learned a lot since then, and can see things different now, years later.

I learned I disabled my child from learning life lessons or postponed it, by trying to "save" him from things he needed to go through. I couldn't let him fall, I just couldn't. He was MY baby, MY child, MY responsiblilty. I felt responsible for his raising, and if he didn't do right, then I failed my job as "mother". I WAS SOOO WRONG!!! I now know it had nothing to me when he chose to do things. I taught him right, if he chose wrong, it wasn't about me. I kind of hear that in you, so please understand-you are hurting him if you let him treat you and your house the way he is. He needs to learn to work and take care of himself. He needs to grow up now.

Remember that after pain comes growth.

I know of people who can't let their kids feel pain, and they are the ones that are still at home, at 40, leeching off the parents, usually mothers!

I have grown so much since my times, trust me, you need to let him grow up now. He will be a better MAN for it too.

Hope this helps. I know how hard it is.

p.s. hint.... in order to stay clear focused during this time, join something for YOU, take up something new- yoga or dance or anything new that is just for you. This will help keep YOU as a priority to YOU.

 

[Scot-n-Michelle]

hi - just wanted to say stay strong and give him tough love - i am a 30 year old who really gave my parents trouble back in the day!!! i know they loved me and it hurt them to be tough but it taught me a lot and i grew up!! it's funny now when i act like my mom and say the things i do to my daughter!!! teach him now before he continues to be like this and is the 30 year old still living at home with some crappy job!! (my daughter wanted me to put this in here)

 

[AKBAFB]

Hang in there, peanut. You're doing the right thing, and we're all here for you. He'll figure out that he had it pretty easy with you when he goes out on his own.

 

[mgilmer]

Well, we have already told our 15 yr old son that when he finishes school at 18, he no longer lives here. He can visit, yes, but not live here. If he goes to college (honestly, not likely), we will pay for his dorm costs. If not, after high school graduation, we will give him his first month's rent and security deposit on a place to live, deposit for utilities, and some money to live off of until his first paycheck comes in, but he is GONE!!! He understands this even though he does not like it.

 

[tam626]

That's hard. I know, I have a 21yr. old son & they want to do things their way, even if they're living under your roof. Good luck. I hope it all works out.