OT - Am I just overprotective?

[leagirl12]

I know here on the DIS you can always get lots of different points of view...which is what I am looking for here I guess.

DD9 had a slumber party last night and had 3 other girls over.

One girl is her best friend who I know the parents of very well. The other 2 girls that spent the night...well I have never met their parents...not even had a conversation on the phone with them. One was dropped off by her teenage sister (who didn't even walk her to the door). The other actually lives 2 doors down and has stayed 3 different nights in the past. I just can't imagine letting DD9 spend the night with someone that I have never met. I know with the neighbor girl I should go over and meet her parents but I NEVER see them home (it's a whole long story). I let dd9 play with her but because of the lack of parenting I see....I would never let her spend the night at their house...even if I met them.

Then today one of the girls went home with the other to spend the night on a school night. Another thing I would never let dd9 do.....not even with her best friend.

Just wondering if I would be viewed as overprotective or just a normal mom for thinking these two things were a little off.

 

[Sara*s_Mommie]

You're not being over-protective, you are being a good, responsible mother. I didn't let my son sleep over or even go to other people's house unless I had met the parents. If I wasn't comfortable with them, he didn't go. Fortunately, he was kind of a home body and most kids ended up playing at our house.

My son is now almost 18 and I'm starting all over again - my daughter is 6 months old - our adoption should be completed in the next month. The rules will be the same if not more strict - she's not out of my sight unless I'm comfortable with it.

 

[dreamin_disney]

in this day and age your normal-lol! I dont let dd do sleep overs. She doesnt have any close friends. One girl down the street that she plays with i met her mother once for 2 mins and she already mentioned a sleepover. I just smiled and when i left I told my dd "NOT"! I grew up with a protective mother and we werent allowed to do sleepovers. Friends could spend the night but we werent. I'm actually glad she did that. One of my friend i found out later was molested for years by her step Dad. She told me and some friends in
5th grade. Her mom was very mean and strict. She worked night and knew but was jealous of her dd and said she was lying, so sad. You just never know. Even though some of us our responsible and will protect our kids and their friends we dont always know what goes on behind close doors.

Your dd's friends are lucky to have you be concerned about them. Atleast when they are at your house they are safe.

 

[Keara'sMom]

You're being a good, concerned mom! Actually, this thread is timely for me, because I've been thinking about this very thing lately. My dd11 is starting middle school tomorrow, and I'm a little anxious about the friend situation. Because I've been really involved in dd's elementary school, I got to know most of the kids in her grade and the parents of all of her good friends. Now that middle school is starting, that's going to be much more difficult. I'm already anticipating dd asking to "hang out" or sleep over at a new friend's house--not sure how to handle it...

Keep up the good work--your dd will appreciate it!

 

[I_Know_You2!]

in this day and age your normal-lol! I dont let dd do sleep overs. She doesnt have any close friends.

How sad!

 

[The Moonk's Mom]

I think you are right on. I so have to have some sort of relationship with the parents before DD can spend the night. I will invite for lunch and get to know them and such. And the ONLY way a sleepover ever happened in our house during a school week was once when a girl's mom had to have surgery the next morning. That was a hard night because they didn't want to sleep, they kept giggling. But it made the little girl calmer about her mom, so I gave a little slack that night.

 

[ChristusG]

Nope, you are absolutely not over protective. You are being a smart parent. My girls (who are 4 and 1 now) will not be spending the night with anyone but family unless I know the parents VERY well. Who knows what sort of rules/morals another family has if you do not know them. Good for you for being smart!

 

[adoptionmomma4]

I have been accused of being to over protective for the same reason I think you are just being a good parent!

I have let my DD 11 sleep over with a few select friends. These are people we are both with 4-5 nights/week for going on 3 years. It is still not a frequent occurrence.

My DS's ages 7 and 9 have never had a sleep over with anyone but family. Well... they used to sleep over at my BFF's until she moved, but I consider her family. I just do not think they are ready. In fact I recently had to pick DS 7 up from grandmas at 11:30 because he would not sleep there.

My DD 3.5 recently started trying to stay the night at grandmas also. I have had to pick her up from MIL's and my mom has brought her home once. It is a work in progress

A strange thing happened at my cousins house not to long ago. I was dropping DD and DS off to stay over. When I got there her DD had a friend over. My cousin said the little girls mom pulled up called and had her DD run up to the house and then called my cousin. She said as she was driving away that they girls had planned a sleep over and she would be back to pick up her daughter on Sunday after work (this was Friday after school). My cousin was shocked to say the least. These girls are in kindergarten and she has never met or talked to this girls mother She kept her, but was SOOO upset.

Anyway- I say keep doing what you are doing.

 

[VeroBeachGirl]

I grew up with a protective mother and we werent allowed to do sleepovers. Friends could spend the night but we werent. QUOTE]

Same thing with me! My parents allowed me to have friends over, but I was not allowed to sleep at other's homes. I intend on doing the same thing with my dd.

 

[luvsJack]

I think there can be extremes on either end, but OP I don't think you are to any extreme.

All of my kids have had lots of sleep overs, at home and away. But, all three had their "best friends" that they stayed with or invited over. I was able to get to know their friend's parents before they stayed with them. I have always had my kids call while they were at their friend's house, just to check in and so I could make sure they were ok. DD now has a cell phone and this is the main reason for it. She knows that if she needs me or wants to come home all she has to do is call. I will also say, they have all had friends that I would not let my kids stay with because of lack of parental supervision in the home; those friends end up being at my house a lot.

As kids get older, I think they need these short trips from home to learn some independence; but I want them to be safe. I have to know the parents and my child has to have a way to contact me. And if any of them ever hesitated about staying with someone, then the answer was no until I found out why.

 

[NY_MOM]

In this day and age you are being a good, responsible mother. I was never allowed to sleep over anyone's house, but everyone was more that welcome at mine. You never really know someone, and more importantly you don't know the people coming in and out of their home. They can be really great people but you never know what shady characters are coming in and out of their home. We knew a family with two sisters and a brother who were really nice stand up people, except that the brother (the middle child) was a pervert, noone would have ever guessed by looking at them! So let peopl call it what they want, because your first responsability is to protect you child.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I think your thoughts are perfectly reasonable. DS(7) only goes to people's houses if I know them as well.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

I do NOT think you are being overprotective at 9. My DS is the same age. This year he listed sleepovers as his favorite thing to do. I feel bad for him because he has bad allergies, and the one time he went somewhere else, we had to get him at 12:30 because he was so miserable. He likes having them here, but he is sad he can't go to more houses. Obviously, I am going to have to know the house/family before he can go. I thought he would be okay where he went, but something triggered his allergies. I knew the mom well enough to know she would monitor him and call no matter what the time.

Middle school and high school will be harder as I will not know the parents as well. I do think there comes a time (high school) where you have to give your kids the tools and knowledge to call/leave if the situation is bad. Of course, they need this info now but even more so as they start to go out into the world on their own. I would not send a child off to college having never slept anywhere but my house.

 

[tzolkin]

My DD9 does not spend the night at anyone's house except grandma's. I know eventually she will, but I really would have to know the parents fairly well. The only person's house she goes over to is right next door. She does play with other kids in the neighborhood, but they play here, next door, or in the park across the street. I know I'm probably overprotective, but so was my mom and I don't feel I was harmed by it. I had a few close friends throughout my child/teen years and we spent the night at eachother's houses often.

I just won't blindly trust other parents. I don't even think I would know how they would supervise my child by meeting them. I would have to be sure that they had a genuine concern for my children's safety. For example, one of DH's coworkers invited us over for a bonfire a few years ago. She has 4 kids and each of them had a friend staying over. The ages ranged from 3-11. The kids were running off the deck and jumping onto the trampoline. All of the adults went down to the bonfire (a little distance away and through the woods--you could not see the house or hear the kids) and they were all drinking. I'm sure when the parents dropped their kids off they didn't expect that their kids would be completely unsupervised and 30 drunk strangers would be wandering around the property.

 

[Nie0214]

I am 22 and pretty open-minded. If I had kids, I'd never let them have a sleep over on a school night either. I'd want to know the parents too. The only friends who's houses I slept over were really close friends or relatives. My parents knew their parents.

 

[Tiffany_MommyOf3]

No way on earth would my child spend the night or even go to a friends house that I hadn't met the parents. They wouldn't step foot inside until I met the other kids parents.

I would, however, let my child spend the night with a close friend if I am close with the parents and know that my child will be taken care of, gotten to school on time, was asleep at a decent time, etc..

When I was a child, my mother spent a few nights in the hospital due to panic attacks (when they didn't know what was wrong). Because it was an "out of the blue" type thing, they didn't have a plan for me and my grandparents were in Alaska on a cruise or something. Anyways, a friends family from church (and a friend of mine that went to same school) let me spend those few nights at their house. We had a slumber party but had a bedtime and they got me to school on time and all. They helped me with my homework and everything.

In highschool, I spent MANY MANY nights at my bestfriends house LOL - I met my husband there. My friends much older brothers best friend LOL. Here we are 8 years later.

 

[pntsmom99]

Hi,

My DD is 9 also, and I really frown on sleepovers. Everyone says that I am overprotective but I don't feel that way either. I'm even careful with playdates. My DD has friends, twin girls, who have very...shall we say...adult mouths. They are constantly calling up trying to arrange a play date. They live with Grandma, the mom & dad are out of the picture. Half the time the grandmother doesn't know what the girls are doing, how they are talking or if their on the phone or whatever...yeah, like I'd let my kid play there!

I say who else is going to look after our kids but us!

 

[leagirl12]

Thanks to everyone for making me feel like I do the right thing!!!

 

[dislal]

Both of my DD's have done sleepovers, since they don't have their own cell phones I give them mine or DH and tell them if for any reason they want to come home to call me and I will be right there.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

I haven't read through all the responses, but I'm betting the majority say you are certainly not being overprotective. There's no way my kids will be spending the night at someone's house until and unless I had a good amount of time to get to know the parents and the child.

I also have to mention, I wouldn't be comfortable having a child spend the night in my home unless I'd spoken with a parent. Given how casual they were about it, I'd venture a guess that those girls don't have a lot of rules, and for all you know, the parents didn't know of the plans or where they were. Not saying that you did anything wrong, but definitely something to think about for next time - try to make sure the girl has permission to be at your house overnight.