OT - Am I just overprotective?

[thegrimdwarf]

Why do some get SO defensive of their parenting, if you feel you are doing such a good job - why do you get so upset and care about someone else's opinion on an internet board?

I wonder this all the time...why do so many care so deeply about what a total, faceless stranger thinks? I have people close to me who's opinion mean nothing to me...I don't need to go looking online for extra gallery peanuts.

 

[ilisao]

I apologize, I misunderstood your comment but wow with the nastiness!! Why do some get SO defensive of their parenting, if you feel you are doing such a good job - why do you get so upset and care about someone else's opinion on an internet board?

I have a very thick skin. However, there is nothing more annoying (besides bad grammar and spelling) than a person who doesn't read and comprehend a post fully, but is so anxious to dole out advice. We post on these boards to have a dialogue. It would be nice if people fully read things first instead of latching onto one phrase and running with it.

 

[jrandtysmom]

I did read the post fully, thank you very much. But as I'm sure someone as intelligent as yourself would know, it's hard to sometimes know the tone or context someone was expressing themselves in on an internet board. This will be my final post on this so the thread doesn't get shut down over petty arguing. Good luck OP on whatever you decide.

 

[pntsmom99]

Hi,

I'm a pretty social person...most everyone in town knows me. I lived in the same town for over 25 years and I'm a GS leader there. I do let my daughter go to GS camp because she is well supervised there. She never cries..she relishes the opportunity to camp out.

Like I said in pp I really discourage sleep overs..why? The automatic response in my head is the fear she could get molested or get into a situation that is over her head. I was molested when I was young, and its somthing that is always in the back of your mind, you never get rid of no matter how you try.

There is also the insecurity of the responsibility of the other parents. My DD is my only DD, and the only child I will ever have (I've had 4 miscarriages)
..am I over protective..you better believe it.

I also think of other things...lice or a cold or who knows what.

Recently I had one of my mom's came to me all upset. Her DD went to a sleepover, she didn't know that parents all that well but she let her go anyway. When the little girl (And this is a rough and tumble little girl)came home she was crying and all upset..why, because when it was time for bed, the host parents insisted that the girls take a shower....together, and when it came to put on her night clothes, they didn't want her to wear her new pajamas just her undies. We don't think the girl was harmed, but she endured something that kids shouldn't have to go through.

I think every parenting style is different, what works for one won't work for another and that is cool. People kind of laugh at me, but that's okay because I always remember the statistic that one girl out of four will either be molested or raped...and I'll do everything in my power to make sure that my daugther doesn't become a statistic.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

because when it was time for bed, the host parents insisted that the girls take a shower....together, and when it came to put on her night clothes, they didn't want her to wear her new pajamas just her undies. We don't think the girl was harmed, but she endured something that kids shouldn't have to go through.

That's very disturbing. Poor girl.

 

[dreamin_disney]

I think it is very sad she has no close friends. That is one of the things that growing up is all about.

my dd has plenty of friends not like i keep her locked up in the closet. What i mean by close friend is one that she wants to play with all the time etc sleepovers(not that i would allow her to but a friend has spent the night). This afternoon she's playing with the neighbor girl.

i think when she gets older thats when she will find a close friend. Or maybe if we get new neighbors.

 

[princessmom29]

I know I may be stepping on a few toes here, but I am not coming down on anyone. I am struggling with this with my own child and I truly want to know. Those of you who allow no sleepovers at all but allow friends to come sleep over, do you not worry about offending the other parent? Kind of like a "you are not a good enough parent for me to trust you with my kid, but I expect you to trust me with yous" ki9nd of thing? Agian not passing any judgment, but I worry about this. There my come a time where a parent I know well and would not want to jepordize a frienship with might ask for a sleepover. I worry that by saying no this is the message I am sending, even when I feel that the person is a great parent.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

I know I may be stepping on a few toes here, but I am not coming down on anyone. I am struggling with this with my own child and I truly want to know. Those of you who allow no sleepovers at all but allow friends to come sleep over, do you not worry about offending the other parent? Kind of like a "you are not a good enough parent for me to trust you with my kid, but I expect you to trust me with yous" ki9nd of thing? Agian not passing any judgment, but I worry about this. There my come a time where a parent I know well and would not want to jepordize a frienship with might ask for a sleepover. I worry that by saying no this is the message I am sending, even when I feel that the person is a great parent.

For me, if I thought the parent was "great", I'd allow the sleepover. If I didn't think the parent was in a position to provide a safe environment and adequate, appropriate supervision (and I am very good friends with at least 2 moms who fall into this category), then no, I wouldn't be worried about offending them. My child's safety comes before my concern for a friend's feelings. And honestly, if the friendship fell apart over that, it wasn't a very strong friendship in the first place.

 

[princessmom29]

For me, if I thought the parent was "great", I'd allow the sleepover. If I didn't think the parent was in a position to provide a safe environment and adequate, appropriate supervision (and I am very good friends with at least 2 moms who fall into this category), then no, I wouldn't be worried about offending them. My child's safety comes before my concern for a friend's feelings. And honestly, if the friendship fell apart over that, it wasn't a very strong friendship in the first place.

Thanks for the input. I guess my question was for somone who would choose not to even it they knew the person to be a good parent and had no objections to something they thought might go on, but had a hard and fast rule about sleepovers. I don't think a friendship would totally fall apart over it, but if it were me I think I might be a little put off by repeatedly being told no Sally can't spend the night, but Jane is welcome at my house ect.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

Thanks for the input. I guess my question was for somone who would choose not to even it they knew the person to be a good parent and had no objections to something they thought might go on, but had a hard and fast rule about sleepovers. I don't think a friendship would totally fall apart over it, but if it were me I think I might be a little put off by repeatedly being told no Sally can't spend the night, but Jane is welcome at my house ect.

I can definitely see how and why one would be offended. I hope you get some other answers!

 

[princessmom29]

I can definitely see how and why one would be offended. I hope you get some other answers!

Thanks!

 

[leagirl12]

Thanks for the input. I guess my question was for somone who would choose not to even it they knew the person to be a good parent and had no objections to something they thought might go on, but had a hard and fast rule about sleepovers. I don't think a friendship would totally fall apart over it, but if it were me I think I might be a little put off by repeatedly being told no Sally can't spend the night, but Jane is welcome at my house ect.

If your rule is NO sleepovers and your not just saying no to these parents than they should understand. My dd had a sleepover for her bday last year and one of the girls could come and play for a few hours but her dad would not yet allow her to spend the night with someone. I totally understood this and didn't take it personal at all.

I have no problem with sleepovers but there are certain friends of dd's that she will not be allowed to spend the night with and if I asked I will probably be honest with them (I have a bad habit of that ). Like the pp poster said doing what's best for my kids will always come above hurting someone's feelings.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Thanks for the input. I guess my question was for somone who would choose not to even it they knew the person to be a good parent and had no objections to something they thought might go on, but had a hard and fast rule about sleepovers. I don't think a friendship would totally fall apart over it, but if it were me I think I might be a little put off by repeatedly being told no Sally can't spend the night, but Jane is welcome at my house ect.

Maybe I can offer a little different perspective. As of now I don't see us allowing our kids to sleep anywhere but home. That might change as they get older but I really doubt it. I am not a fan of the sleepover at all. It has nothing to do with anything other than when I go to bed at night I want my children home in their own beds. I am not accusing families of being weirdos etc. (although I have met a few that were weird) I just think that when it is time for bed they need to be home. If a child wanted to sleep here that would be fine and if the parent asked why my child could not sleep out I would tell them that it has nothing to do with them at all. I just like my children home in their own beds. As a parent they should respect that and not harp on it. If they are offended then oh well. Our kids, our choices. This is pretty much my feelings on this.

ETA- I did want to ask- do people really go to their kids sleepovers? I mean really? I would die laughing if a parent showed up and wanted to spend the night. Then I would say no. I have never even heard of such a thing. Anyone care to offer up how and why they did that?

 

[I_Know_You2!]

my dd has plenty of friends not like i keep her locked up in the closet. What i mean by close friend is one that she wants to play with all the time etc sleepovers(not that i would allow her to but a friend has spent the night). This afternoon she's playing with the neighbor girl.

i think when she gets older thats when she will find a close friend. Or maybe if we get new neighbors.

Is she still just little? I didn't see. If so, I understand.

What I think is sad, though, in general, is the idea that above all else kids must be placed in bubbles of safety. I am still best friends with my best friend from preschool. We've been friends for 50 years. I am still in contact with the next best friends, and a dozen or so extra friends. I would never take those opportunities away from my children in the interest of protecting them at all costs. Of course, you multiply the risks of assault or being around a less that perfect example. But you also multiply the benefits of having people who love, and will watch out for your (in general) children. I have 5 children of my own. I oftentimes have 10 to 15 children randomly in my home. Sure we've dealt with issues. But the blessings have far outweighed them.

I much prefer to see the best in people rather than to live in fear of them. And I find it beyond arrogant to assume that my house is the only safe one. Statistically speaking my kids are in more danger from someone they are related to than from acquaintances, and by a long shot, by strangers.

 

[NY_MOM]

As someone who was not allowed to sleep over, but had many, many sleepovers at my house; I don't think that this inhibited my social life at all. It also didn't prevent me from having close friends or make me socially withdrawn. Sleep overs are great things and kids love them, however I believe it is the parents decision as to wether or not they allow their kids to sleepover or not. It is meant as no disrespect to other parents or their parenting skills if I choose not to allow my child to sleep over, it is just what I'm comfortable with. I also don't feel that those who allow their children to sleep over should be judged negatively, it is simply that they may feel more comfortable than others with the sleep over situations.