OT - Am I just overprotective?

[emdav]

My kids aren't allowed to do sleepovers unless I sleep over as well. We have done this as my kids have friends that are siblings and I am friends with their mom. That's probably the only time that will ever happen too. We do let our kids have lateovers but so far they have all been at our house.

As for on a school night, no way! Although I think I had a couple in high school with friends while, get this, my parents were out of town. At my house too! Gasp!! Not happening under my watch though. I wonder what my parents were thinking.

 

[disneynewbee]

My dd is 15yo and we have the same rules. No sleepovers on school nights and no staying over unless I have met the parents and feel comfortable with them. My dd only has a few friends whose house she stays at. She has a couple of friends that I let spend the night but she can't stay at their house due to a lack of supervision. I'll tell you what happened to me recently. I let my dd spend the night at a friends house recently. I had met the parents and she had gone to the girls birthday and spend the night on a few occasions already. It was the girls birthday party and my dd and her best friend called and asked if they could stay the night, I talked to the parents and ok'd it. The father let my dd and her bf ride his 4wheeler without asking my or my dd's bfs parents for permission, he only had one helmet and so he let my dd ride without one. He was not even supervising. I was at home making finishing touches on my nursery since I was due to have a baby in 5 days when I get a call from my dd on her cell phone. She told me that she was on a 4 wheeler and they crashed and that she was ok but her friend was not. I asked her what was wrong with her friend and she said she didn't know. I told her to ask her friend what hurt and that is when she told me her friend was unconscious. She had already went to the closest house to get help and the ambulance was on it's way. DH ran out the door to the girls house. When he got there they had dd on a strecher and were putting her in an ambulance. A helicopter was landing down the street for her friend who still was not conscious. Her friend did finally come to and everything ended up being ok but we sure had a huge scare. DD had landed on her back and neck and could have had serious injuries. Now she had some responsibility in the whole thing since she knew better than to ride without permission or a helmet but kids make bad decisions sometimes and these parents did not protect them. Thank goodness my dd was ok enough to get help because noone even knew where they were. Needless to say she will not be going to that friends house again. I found out later from my dd that the parents were drinking and having their own little party rather than keeping an eye on the teens. So even meeting parents you don't really know them. My dd or her friend could have easily been killed or perminately injured.

 

[mickeyfan1]

My kids aren't allowed to do sleepovers unless I sleep over as well. We have done this as my kids have friends that are siblings and I am friends with their mom. That's probably the only time that will ever happen too. We do let our kids have lateovers but so far they have all been at our house.

As for on a school night, no way! Although I think I had a couple in high school with friends while, get this, my parents were out of town. At my house too! Gasp!! Not happening under my watch though. I wonder what my parents were thinking.

When my son was young, once in a while his pals would stay over on a non school night, but ther is no way I would have had the mom stay too.

What happens if your kids want to go to college and live in a dorm?

 

[pooh4evr]

DD#1 has slept over at friends houses a few times - yes I know the parents 1 is a teacher the other set is a soccer coach,- we have also had sleepovers at my house - how odd would it be for the mom to want to sleep over too? I realize there has to be boundries and you must protect your kids but a little freedom/independence isn't a bad thing is it? (of course I was always the kid calling home at 1 am to go home thought too )

 

[thegrimdwarf]

When my son was young, once in a while his pals would stay over on a non school night, but ther is no way I would have had the mom stay too.

What happens if your kids want to go to college and live in a dorm?

Oh, come on. As children grow and mature and, well, you know - get to be college aged and are adults, the rules change.

 

[ilisao]

I guess I'll go against the grain here. My daughter who is 9 does sleepovers all the time. Organized ones, last minute ones, you name it. We're always having girls here or she's going somewhere. There have been times where my interaction with the parents have been a brief phone call and meeting at the door when I dropped her off. And the same with parents coming to our house. DS who is 6 has just started with the sleepovers.

As for me staying at the house where my daughter is? No freaking way. I have no desire to be that invested in my daughter's social life. Then again, I suspect DD would be invited to precious few places if I even suggested that. And I would not want a mother staying at my house, either.

 

[luvsJack]

For those that don't allow any type of sleepovers: I understand your concerns, it is really hard to trust anyone else with our children. And like I said in my pp, I have to know the parents and have at least an idea of the supervision that will take place. All that said, don't you worry that your child will never learn to be comfortable away from home?

I remember going to church camp when I was 12 or 13 and there was a girl in my cabin that cried every day for the whole week. She missed out on so much fun. She had never stayed away from home before. My youngest ds's friend has told me about girls in her dorm that spend the first semester crying every night because they have never slept away from home. I would hate to think of dd being that miserable because I never allowed her to experience a bit of independence.

 

[pigletto]

For those that don't allow any type of sleepovers: I understand your concerns, it is really hard to trust anyone else with our children. And like I said in my pp, I have to know the parents and have at least an idea of the supervision that will take place. All that said, don't you worry that your child will never learn to be comfortable away from home?

I remember going to church camp when I was 12 or 13 and there was a girl in my cabin that cried every day for the whole week. She missed out on so much fun. She had never stayed away from home before. My youngest ds's friend has told me about girls in her dorm that spend the first semester crying every night because they have never slept away from home. I would hate to think of dd being that miserable because I never allowed her to experience a bit of independence.

Yep. This is about where my stance lies in the spectrum.
I don't drop my child off on any old doorstep.. but she has had many sleepovers starting with my parents.. progressing to other Nana..Auntie.. and then on to friends where I knew the mom's and had an idea of their parenting skills and lifestyle.
She did sleep away camp for the first time last summer where my sister is a counselor.. and my Mom has been the nurse.. and my whole family has gone to at one time or another.
I guess I kind of resent the inference that any mom who let's their child sleep away from home is somehow negligent.
In fact she just took a trip (she is now 11) to visit her biological dad in another country (with her grandma) and I received alot of backlash for allowing her to do so.. but she had a fabulous time.
As a mom I make absolutely sure that the situation she is going onto is safe.. do my research and carefully weigh my decisions.
I am sadly too aware of the inherent dangers in the world for children.. which I believe has made me vigilant.
But to never allow my child out of my field of vision just doesn't make sense to me.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

I think that is normal. Although I don't think my mom ever wanted to talk to anyone else's parents, however, their parents always insisted on speaking to mine.

I think in the future (my DD is 2..) I will want to meet the parents before allowing DD to go over to a house as well as sleep over. But of course, I don't want the days to go by too quick!

 

[allison443]

My kids aren't allowed to do sleepovers unless I sleep over as well. We have done this as my kids have friends that are siblings and I am friends with their mom. That's probably the only time that will ever happen too. We do let our kids have lateovers but so far they have all been at our house.

How old are your kids? Are they very young? This sounds like you and all your kids stay over at the friend's house?
I have never heard of anyone that did this!

I am wondering, since you say you are "friends with their mom" why don't you trust the mom enough to let your kids sleep over there?
What could happen at a sleepover that can't happen at a "lateover" (not exactly sure how late that goes)?

 

[pinktink83]

We (and many many of our other friends) have solved this problem by eliminating sleep overs altogether. Friends can stay over late, but when they're ready to sleep, friends go home. One of our friends has an 8yo daughter and all her friends have this same rule, so it makes it pretty easy on everyone involved. I hope the same thing will happen as my kids get older.

Theres just too much risk. I dont know many people that werent molested by a father/brother/friend of a brother/etc, or who just plain got into trouble b/c parents werent keeping an eye on them. When I think the near misses I had as a teenager, it makes me cringe. No sleepovers for us!!!

 

[dreamin_disney]

How sad!

whats sad about it?shes in 4th grade went to one school kinder -2nd and because of new boundaries she had to go to a new school for 3rd and 4th. The kids on our street are older middle school. She just meet the new girl i mentioned a few months a go. DD is very active since 3 she has done gymnastics, softball (last 4 years)2 years of communion and will start swiming.
Many parents work and i'm one of them. The school she attends parents pick up the kids and theres not much socializing . She has been invited to a few classmates parties but one of the kids got introuble for humping a tree at school and says boys like girls with big butts, another child wants to be a stripper and the new neighbor girl has a boyfriend and they were going to get married at school but he broke up with her(they are in 4th grade) . Yes, i am protective of dd and dont think its sad. Am i suppose to let her hang out with the middle school aged kids in my area?

I guess if i didnt have to work then i could have more time to socialize and meet other parents so dd could have a close friend, it will happen when the time is right. I wont change my ways dd will not do sleepovers unless its at her grand mothers house or my sister and her father agrees. She had one friend stay the night once and she didnt care for it, she's an only child and likes her space

 

[I_Know_You2!]

I think it is very sad she has no close friends. That is one of the things that growing up is all about.

 

[NMAmy]

When my son was young, once in a while his pals would stay over on a non school night, but ther is no way I would have had the mom stay too.

No kidding. There's a big difference between having a sleepover for kids and entertaining another adult in my home at the same time. Just because my kid wanted company doesn't mean I felt like having an adult overnight guest, as well.

You wanted lots of opinions, OP. Mine is different from most posters here. I often let dd spend the night at the homes of her friends. I did briefly meet the parents but I am under no illusion that a brief meeting meant I could just "tell" the kind of people they were. DD had a cell phone and could call me if she felt uncomfortable and wanted me to pick her up. I don't remember her ever doing that--she had a blast. I also hosted sleepovers at our house pretty regularly.

 

[I_Know_You2!]

We have sleeping parties all of the time. That is why I know all of my kid's friends well and have made lovely friends with some of the parents. By doing so, my kids know many adults who will/and have watched out for them when I was not able to hover atop. My house is often filled with noisy bubbly sounds, and it brings joy to the kids, as well as my husband and I.

Paranoia doesn't help kids. It isolates them, and this does affect many for life. And, yes, I am old enough to have seen the pattern through generations.

And, I have to say, that I would have flipped out if a mom thought she was invited. That is beyond weird.

 

[kyhardy]

I only allow my children to spend time or the night with friend's whose parent's are known to me. When a there is a situation where I am not comfortable with the parenting I offer to host the sleep over. I have 2 children, DS16 & DD9. My son was recently appalled to find out this rule applied to girlfriends as well! I'm sure he was mortified but did survive and I was pleasantly surprised to find I knew her mom from various school and social events.

We often host sleepovers and get togethers for our kids friends and I am consistently surprised that parent's, who we don't know, show no hesitation to leave their children in our care. No emergency contact #'s or anything. Once when picking up a child from a Halloween Party I had a parent make this comment "I hope he didn't eat too much sugar because he's diabetic!" Since this experience I always ask parents if there are any medical conditions or allergies. Most parent's will tell me this before I even ask though if there is an issue, but this parent really blew my mind!

 

[luvsJack]

Many of you mention molestation as one of your fears of a sleepover. I hope and pray that none of you have the false security that this could only happen at a sleepover. It can happen anywhere. Just like our children can be in an accident anywhere. None of us are immune to accidently doing something that can hurt our child or allowing them to do something that we do not realize may put them in harm's way. But we cannot put them in a bubble either.

I talk to dd all the time about dangers. I want her to be able to look out for bad things that can happen. But I also want her to grow up and be a strong and independent young lady that is not afraid of her own shadow.

I also know that she is going to be exposed to things that I do not approve of, just as her brothers were before her. I try my best to keep the lines of communication open so that she feels comfortable talking about these things. I just don't believe keeping her sheltered is the way to go.

I, too, think its sad that a young girl doesn't have any close friends. Friends are such an important part of a young girls life.

 

[jrandtysmom]

I'm just curious how many people here who said that they don't allow their kids to sleep over anywhere are not very social people? I say this because does the fear come from not knowing the parents of your kids friends because you don't talk to them - and I mean conversations, not HI/BYE? If so, why not? Maybe our town is different, but it seems most of the parents know each other and we know the kids - and I'm not talking about the "hi, how are you as I drop my kid off" relationship. My kids haven't slept over at anyone's house yet (they are only 4 & 6) other than family - but we did do our first one at our house a couple weeks ago. I work as well but I'm trying hard to be invested in their lives - including their social lives.

For those that say they can only sleep over at their "best friends house." Well I only slept over at my best friends house and that was the house that I did all of my bad stuff - because there was adult supervision but inappropriate supervision. They allowed us to do whatever we wanted, including drinking, staying out all night, having boys over, etc. And even though my mom had "met the parents", she had no idea what was going on and guess what - I was a teenager and didn't tell her because that would've ruined my fun hangout! She found out when my best friend became pregnant at 15. Now that I'm a mom, I know you can't tell how someone runs their house by saying hi at the door and dropping off. You have to be invested - you have to spend time with these people, hear the way they talk about their lives, their activities, their kids. If you spend some time, you'll weed out the ones you really don't want your kids around from the ones you do.

To the PP who said they didn't want to be that invested in their kids social lives - why not? Isn't that what you had them for? Isn't that your duty as a parent? No you shouldn't be spending the night at friend's house with them - but you should know where and who your kids are going to be around. Even though you don't know who all can be at the house - at least give some effort rather then later saying "I don't understand what happened - I knew the parents" when really all you knew was they "looked" friendly when you were dropping your kid off.

 

[ilisao]

To the PP who said they didn't want to be that invested in their kids social lives - why not? Isn't that what you had them for? Isn't that your duty as a parent? No you shouldn't be spending the night at friend's house with them - but you should know where and who your kids are going to be around. Even though you don't know who all can be at the house - at least give some effort rather then later saying "I don't understand what happened - I knew the parents" when really all you knew was they "looked" friendly when you were dropping your kid off.

I am that parent and you completely misunderstood me. Completely. I never, ever said I don't want to be invested in my children's social lives. I said I didn't want to be "that invested" with reference to insisting that I stay over as well.

I am quite involved in my children's lives, thank you very much. Trust me, I actually do know where my kids are and who they are around, even if I haven't developed deep social relationships with the families. I have done the sleepover thing far more than you and have an idea of what I am doing. But, thanks for the parenting advice. You're the bestest!

And no, I didn't have children for the purpose of being involved in their social lives.

 

[jrandtysmom]

I am that parent and you completely misunderstood me. Completely. I never, ever said I don't want to be invested in my children's social lives. I said I didn't want to be "that invested" with reference to insisting that I stay over as well.

I am quite involved in my children's lives, thank you very much. Trust me, I actually do know where my kids are and who they are around, even if I haven't developed deep social relationships with the families. I have done the sleepover thing far more than you and have an idea of what I am doing. But, thanks for the parenting advice. You're the bestest!

And no, I didn't have children for the purpose of being involved in their social lives.

I apologize, I misunderstood your comment but wow with the nastiness!! Why do some get SO defensive of their parenting, if you feel you are doing such a good job - why do you get so upset and care about someone else's opinion on an internet board?