OT – Moms and their 2nd kids

[adventure_woman]

My DD is 2 ½ and she is everything to me. I quit working FT when she was 8 months old – I couldn’t handle being away from her for that long and ‘missing her life’ (or so I felt). I (like most moms I would think) never imagined that I could ever love a little person like I love her. So here comes my dilemma, I don’t know what to do about the possibility of #2. My DH would be ready for a second one if I wanted, but I can’t get over the feeling of – will I love another baby like I love #1?

1. I KNOW that I would love #2, but I can’t imagine that I would love another like I love DD (I feel silly even writing that).
2. Will my DD like/enjoy a sibling? A new baby will take a lot of time/attention away from DD.
3. Selfishly – DD is getting so easy now. AND, she is SUCH an easy child. I know babies aren’t babies forever, but what happens when I get the second child who acts like a second child (totally opposite from #1)?
4. I love to travel (and go to Disney). It is so much cheaper with only 1!

Did anyone else feel this way at all before they had their second – and did it go away once you had them? I know I have time (but I am still close to 35), but I think about this daily (I am such a planner). I was just hoping to get some insight from moms when they had their #2 child and if anyone had feelings/struggles like I am having.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I'm in the exact same dilemma as you but my DS is 16 months. He is an AWESOME kid and I love him like nothing else. And I worry about things financially - not that we couldn't afford another, but it would be a big expense. My DH is ready to try for another and worries about DS being an only child. I'll be interested in hearing from others as well.

 

[adventure_woman]

I'm in the exact same dilemma as you but my DS is 16 months. He is an AWESOME kid and I love him like nothing else. And I worry about things financially - not that we couldn't afford another, but it would be a big expense. My DH is ready to try for another and worries about DS being an only child. I'll be interested in hearing from others as well.

AHHH..at least I'm not alone!!

 

[aestapa]

My husband was the one who was unsure. And now, he can't believe he ever felt that way. Our oldest was 2.5 when the baby was born. He was a late talker and wasn't talking at that point...but when he came to see us at the hospital, he ran straight to the baby and started saying "baby! baby!".

They are the very best of friends. They can't stand to be apart and want to do everything together. Its so sweet. We are talking about #3 now and neither one of us doubts how we will feel when he/she gets here.

 

[java]

Well I have 4 children, and I can tell you it's amazing how your love grows. It's not a limited amount that gets used up- it just grows and grows. When I looked into the eyes of my daughter for the first time(she's my second child) I could almost feel my heart grow.

2. I don't know how she'll react. My children were always thrilled to have another sibling. But we have reached our limit. My 3rd is the one that voices his "We're DONE" to the are you having any more.

3. Think how interesting it will be to have all the different personalities. My children are similar - yet very different. I have a sun shining first born. My daughter is the "star" always likes being the center of attention, my 3rd is my super sensitive introvert, and my youngest is the life of the party. He cracks everyone up. I enjoy them all for their individual traits.

4. Really going from 1 child to 2 children isn't going to impact your travel budget that much but if that's a concern in the top 4 for you maybe you shouldn't have another child. (Not trying to be mean about it but really if you are worried about the additional airfare and food maybe your intentions aren't in the right place)

 

[karen624]

I was worried about how I would do with a second and believe me, it really does happen like they say. Your heart just grows two sizes (kind of like the grinch.) Yes, things will change with your older child with an addition of a second child. I tell you that my heart melts when I see my two girls play together, hug each other, be sweet to each other. My dd was 2 years 8 months when her sister was born, and it was tough for a few months (tough for me not her.) I cannot imagine life without both of them. I love them each in different ways, because they are each different little people. I will admit there are times when I enjoy one more than the other depending on what stage they are, how easy they are at the time. I have never had one ounce of regret about having my second daughter.

 

[crisi]

If you have doubts, and you have them in spades, don't have a second. There is no return desk for children. People DO love their children unequally. And you really don't need to put a second child through being second best if what you fear does come true.

It IS cheaper and easier with one, and you are wise to understand that you may resent two being harder and having to give up more if you have more.

 

[princessmom29]

MOst of the reasons you lised are why DD5 is and will be an only. I like my lifestyle now and love her more than anything on earth. On childd cannot fight with or be jealous of itself. It is much easier to arrange a sitter for 1 ect...

 

[Hollytigs]

I totally understand everything you are saying. We didn't have our second until our first daughter was 5 due to her having lots of problems that we had to get over and deal with before we bought another baby into the equation.

You will love both children, it just happens. I was really worried about that, but I found myself totally in love with my new baby - my husband was the opposite and was so worried about our oldest daughter feeling left out that he spoilt her rotten, but it all balanced out in the end after a few months.

As for them liking each other, I can't say my oldest is too keen on her little sister, but she's not horrible to her or anything, she just finds her annoying. Having said that, now that she is getting older, they can play together a little so it is getting easier.

As for the travel expenses and them being 'easier' as they get older - I am totally with you on this! I hadn't realised how easy my oldest was until I had a baby again! Anyway, now we're through that stage and into the walking, talking, eating normal food stage. I love travelling with my children and introducing them to new places, travelling is really important to us and we have just had to 'up' our travel budget. My only other comment is that I didn't want to wait any longer to have our second (I was 32) because I want that freedom at the other end of my life, so maybe if you are going to have a second you should do it sooner rather than later?

Hope that helps! Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[dancin'girl]

We knew that we wanted more than one child, so I didn't really give it a second thought when it came time to start trying for #2. After I was pregnant (maybe it was the hormones) was when I started thinking like you are right now.
Will I be able to love #2 as much as DD? Will she be scarred for life over having to share my attention (and DH's)? I worried about it all through the pregnancy.
I read about having a "big sister" party for the older child to give her some of her own attention and I planned on doing this when I came home from the hospital, with a cake and balloons, the grandparents, maybe even a present. Well, I was away in the hospital with unplanned complications for a week, so life was chaotic and I didn't have a chance to coordinate the party. Turns out, it didn't really matter. While she was sometimes jealous, DD really enjoyed her new baby and wanted to help out. She was always kissing him like crazy! And people were so great about remembering her, bringing a gift for her, too, not just for the new baby.
Now the " new baby" is 2 and he and DD are great companions. They love playing together. They truly love eachother, which makes me so happy!
Not loving #2 as much as #1 turned out to not even be an issue. The love just flows out of you, eventhough you didn't realize there was more left in there to give.
Now I'm struggling over whether we should have #3 - not for the same reasons as before. I know that it will all work out - it's more over my own sanity this time!

 

[SLK1]

Well, I'm the second of three kids and I'm glad my parents didn't feel that way or else I wouldn't be here!

I think siblings are a gift - maybe not in the right now, or even in the near future, but when you're gone, they will have each other and also, to be a bit morbid, will share the burden of your health/death if/when it comes to that. We have four children (only planned on three ). There is no bond like siblings have...besides, who else you can out and out fight with and yell at and then cuddle up with than your sibs??

But, I also respect those who realize that more than one child is not for them and do not overburden themselves. Life should make you happy, not resentful. Having said that, to think you won't be able to love another child...put that out of your mind because it just won't happen. And, your entire world shouldn't revolve around one child anyway, even if you have one child! Good luck with your decision!

 

[zoemurr]

I had DS when DD was 2.5. She was a very easy child (still is at 10). She loved the baby very much.. he was HER baby and she wanted to take care of him. However, she has never been a "Mommy's Girl". As a baby DS was veryneedy and difficult. I never regretted having him, but I certainly did resent him on a few occasions when I wanted to do something with her and we couldn't. Maybe your 2nd will be easier? I did end up finding someone that was willing to put up with him a few hours a week when he was little so we could have some "girl time".

That being said, I am an only, and hated it. Now my kids are 8/10 and I love that they play together, and look out for each other. I would not let an only go outside alone to play, but I'm okay with sending them out together. If I have something to do and I need them to go off it's fine, but telling an only to go play alone was never any fun for me anyway.

He is still more demanding than his sister, but much more cuddly, helpful and sweet. You probably won't love another "the same" way you love your DD, as they will be different people. Of course I would do anything for either one of them, but I do enjoy a different one more depending on what is going on that day, stage, etc. And they both have traits that I am proud of, and ones that frustrate me.

I really want a third now, but am afriad it would be too much like an only child with the big age difference.

 

[HeatherC]

I am a firm believer that moms hearts do not fill up with love. They just keep growing with more love for their kids.

Once those little munchkins arrive, it is hard to imgaine them ever not being there.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm fairly certain that most every parent feels like that at some point. And then, with normal, emotionally and mentally healthy people, if they go forward and if they are fortunate enough to have more children, they can't imagine they ever felt like that.

 

[savannahcat]

I have two girls - 2 1/2 years apart. I wondered if I could love the 2nd one as much as the first and, of course, that was not an issue, BUT, I did not give much thought to how they would get along. They fight ALL the time. There are very few days that go by that I don't want to yank every hair out of my head because they can't get along. I worry that they will never like each other, even as adults.

 

[ireland_nicole]

We asked all those questions before our second. He was early and was so sick; to be honest I "phoned it in" with DD for almost a year; there was too much going on- and my mom got breast CA at the same time so that was a nightmare year.

I share this not to tell you not to have another, but the opposite. I'm pretty sure that year and his birth experience were some of the worst (and yes, I know it can always be worse, but it was really, really bad.) Despite that, I haven't regretted our decision for a second. Loving him was so easy; and parenting was so much more natural the second time; I trusted myself and my ability as a mom more. I can't imagine for one second my life without him; it's more challenging logistically w/ 2, much more expensive, more exhausting, all those other things, yeah. But so much more rewarding; and fulfilling, and to see the bond between my kids is priceless. They'll always have each other. And they learn so many valuable social skills by being raised together. And watching them play together is the best moment in any day. Especially as they start to get older; they actually entertain each other. You should see mine plan a puppet show LOL. It's just so much MORE. I don't know how to explain it. The challenges rise exponentially, but so do the rewards.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I don't think anyone can make an emotional decision using rational means.

Either your heart says yes, or no.

The heck with the rest of the stuff, you can work that out.

What does your heart say?

Yes.

or,

No.

 

[fussymonkey]

I am an only child and would never inflict being an only child on my child. I know some onlys don't feel that way, but I do. My parents both died young (I was in my mid-20's when Dad died, and 31 when Mom died). I HATE that I don't have any immediate family, so giving my children siblings is important to me.

Our son has brought the perfect balance to our family. I had some of the same types of fears you did about having a second child, but then everything just works out. Really the fears aren't about travel and money, they are fears over wheter or not i could be an adequate mother to two. You do love the second as much as the first, you find the cash to travel, it just works. I also think my daughter is a better person for having to learn to share attention, toys, and love. She is more patient and giving, more protective and nurturing. My son adores his sister and my daughter loves her little brother. I can see that light in thier eyes, even when they squabble. I will never, ever, ever regret we took that leap of faith.

I know lots of people who regret not having another child, but none who regret having the second or third kid.

 

[tmarquez]

Wow I totally understand where you are coming from...although I've never said it outloud!

We have 1 child, DD(6). I thought about having another, but then I feel like there is no way it would be the same. And I also felt like my relationship with DD would change. Plus the whole financial thing.

If you ask DD, she very much agrees...no baby brother or sister for her.

Our family of 3 works for us. Good luck with whatever you decide.

My DD is 2 ½ and she is everything to me. I quit working FT when she was 8 months old – I couldn’t handle being away from her for that long and ‘missing her life’ (or so I felt). I (like most moms I would think) never imagined that I could ever love a little person like I love her. So here comes my dilemma, I don’t know what to do about the possibility of #2. My DH would be ready for a second one if I wanted, but I can’t get over the feeling of – will I love another baby like I love #1?

1. I KNOW that I would love #2, but I can’t imagine that I would love another like I love DD (I feel silly even writing that).
2. Will my DD like/enjoy a sibling? A new baby will take a lot of time/attention away from DD.
3. Selfishly – DD is getting so easy now. AND, she is SUCH an easy child. I know babies aren’t babies forever, but what happens when I get the second child who acts like a second child (totally opposite from #1)?
4. I love to travel (and go to Disney). It is so much cheaper with only 1!

Did anyone else feel this way at all before they had their second – and did it go away once you had them? I know I have time (but I am still close to 35), but I think about this daily (I am such a planner). I was just hoping to get some insight from moms when they had their #2 child and if anyone had feelings/struggles like I am having.

 

[adventure_woman]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and experiences. It has definately helped me to see the other side and what it is like for those that have had more than 1. Who knows what will happen, but I guess you could say that I'm not as scared about my biggest question - loving another child as much as I love DD.