Honestly, I don't really know where to start, but hopefully I don't ramble too long and some of this makes sense. I've been married for 9 years (got married way to young ect.) and we have 2 wonderful kids. So, here's my dilemma.
About 2 months ago, my dh was coming home from work and we were talking on the phone, and he said that he had hurt his hand at the gym, we eventually got off the phone, because he said his hand hurt (I didn't care, I was making dinner, not a big deal at all.) I heard the garage door open and I went out to help him bring his stuff in, because he had hurt his hand. Well he was on the phone (again not a big deal, but I did give him crap (jokingly) about telling me he had to get off the phone, but then being on the phone when he pulled in.) I could tell immediately that something was off. He held the phone down while handing me his stuff (I think to try to act like he wasn't on it
) and tried to pull the door shut, but I made sure I stood in the way, because he was acting weird. I asked him who he was talking to and he told me "Ben"-he's friend of his, and they do talk a lot ect. Well he was just acting kinda strange, and I can almost always tell when he's talking to a guy as oppose to when he's talking to a girl on the phone, and he gets off the phone by saying, "yeah pretty much." -I asked him again, so you were talking to Ben? and he said yes, and I said, huh it didn't sound like that. So, it had always stuck in the back of my mind, but I had other things going on, and just kinda forgot about it for a while. In the meantime our cell phone bill was a little higher the last 2 months, because he went over his mins. We went through the detail of the phone numbers on the bill, and I noticed a few numbers that came up a lot, but he said one was "Ben" and he wasn't sure what the other numbers were, but they must have just been ppl. at work. I noticed that one of the calls was at 2 in the morning, on a day he had off and I was out of town with the kids. He again said that must have been "Ben," as they had been working on his car (which is at least somewhat true, because Ben had been over before I went out of town, with the kids, to work on my dh's car.
Fast forward to Tuesday night, he fell asleep early, and when I went to bed, I checked his phone to make sure his alarm was set, and it showed a miss call, which wasn't the same number that he'd been talking a lot too, but very similar and reminded me about it. I clicked on "Ben" on his contact list to see what his number was, well yes it was one of the numbers he talks to a lot, but NOT the number that he had talked to at 2am, and NOT the number that he was talking to the night he came home from work with a hurt hand (so he obviously lied to me about that. I plugged in the number that was on our bill detail, and it came up as the contact "monster" on his phone...obviously not a real name.
So, the next morning I asked him about it and he said (with his voice shaking a little) that it was a girl that works at GNC (he's a major gym guy and has been for years,) and that he didn't tell me because he knew I'd "flip out," because I'm a girl. Just want to put in here that he's way more jealous than I've ever been. He tried to play it off like he didn't talk to her that much and that she just had questions about losing weight, that she tells him when stuffs on sale and he listened to some sob story about how her grandmothers trying to get custody of her kids. He said that she did go to the gym with him and "Ben" twice.
Obviously I'm mad that he ;ied to me, but then I went online and started looking more into the bill detail of our phones, and he's had as much as hour conversations with this woman, they've texted as much as 86 times a day (he has always said he doesn't like texting ect.) They've texted at 5 in the morning when he goes to work, and it was her he was talking to at 2 in the morning, and he texted her at 4 in the morning, literally 2 mins. after I walked out the door to head out of town with the kids. He texted me a few mins. later to say to have a good flight ect., but got out of bed to first text her on a sat. morning.
I questioned him about all of this and he said the texting her at 4 in the morning the day I left, was just saying "vacation," -to basically make a joke that he was on vacation, because we were out of town for a week, and it was "all in fun." He said he didn't remember talking to her at 2am, but he's sure it was nothing. He said that she's just someone that he can talk to, that he listens to her crap and she listens to his, and the texts at 5am, is just a "good morning" because she used to have to get up around the same time.
What the hell????
He swears nothing physical has ever happened and says she's not attractive at all (not that it matters.) He said that she's just a "friend." He is a talker and will talk anyones hear off, however he doesn't even really like females and he's never had a female friend, or talked to a female on the phone like this ect.
In all honesty, even if nothing physical happened, it really doesn't make that big a difference to me, I'm just done. I've gone through throwing up, not sleeping at all, hardly eating, crying ect., but I'm just done. We have two kids which really need to be our first priority, and honestly I'm thinking about telling him that I think it may be better if we do stay "married," just for the sake of the kids, and that we should be polite, friendly communicate openly about the kids ect., but I really just can't have him touch me. I just can't. There has to be a point that I respect myself, and I really just can't.
As far as staying together for the kids, I know it sounds dumb, but I'm a kid of divorced parents, I honestly I never really cared and always said I'd never had wanted to live in the same house as them, but I've been thinking about it a lot and as long as we can be polite to eachother ect., I'm not sure that it's not the best for the kids. I mean even best case scenario of us divorcing still has me torn on what would be best for them, and I really don't know if we'd be able to even have the ideal divorce. I keep thinking about the relationships my dsis's and I have had with men, and really none of them have been all that healthy and I can't help but think that if we'd had our Dad in our daily lives as teens that we probably would have made better choices; we probably would have respected ourselves more ect. I have a dd and I want better for her. I can remember being a teen and just wanting a hug from my Dad, if I was having a bad day or something, and I couldn't because he was half way across the country. I don't know, I just don't know what to do, or even really what I"m asking, but if you've read this long, thank you so much. I just don't know what would be best for our kids; what's your opinion on what would be best?
ETA: A best case scenario of a divorce, would be us living in the same city, both of us being able to put our kids first (he would have a really hard time with this..I know from his history, it's almost like he's unable to see past his own feelings ect., to do what's best for them,) it'd be us being friendly and able to work around eachothers schedules when it came to the kids ect.
Also, the marriage just really isn't anything worth saving. If we were being honest with ourselves, really neither of us enjoy eachothers company, almost always we'd both rather do things by ourselves, we don't really have anything in common, besides the kids, and we're both just very different.
He's not going to want to end the marriage, just because he would see it as a failure, but if he were honest, he really doesn't like me.
I really am able to put my hurt feelings aside. We've been speaking the last few days when we're with the kids and we took them to the zoo today (which is uncommon, but planned before I found out about this stuff, usually I would just take the kids by myself) and we all really did have a nice time, but it's almost misleading him because he just left for the gym and I asked him a question and he responded and then sent me another text to say I love you, just to see where we stood, and so I sent him a text that said I obviously love you too but things are different now, so I don't know, I just don't know what's best to do.
About 2 months ago, my dh was coming home from work and we were talking on the phone, and he said that he had hurt his hand at the gym, we eventually got off the phone, because he said his hand hurt (I didn't care, I was making dinner, not a big deal at all.) I heard the garage door open and I went out to help him bring his stuff in, because he had hurt his hand. Well he was on the phone (again not a big deal, but I did give him crap (jokingly) about telling me he had to get off the phone, but then being on the phone when he pulled in.) I could tell immediately that something was off. He held the phone down while handing me his stuff (I think to try to act like he wasn't on it
) and tried to pull the door shut, but I made sure I stood in the way, because he was acting weird. I asked him who he was talking to and he told me "Ben"-he's friend of his, and they do talk a lot ect. Well he was just acting kinda strange, and I can almost always tell when he's talking to a guy as oppose to when he's talking to a girl on the phone, and he gets off the phone by saying, "yeah pretty much." -I asked him again, so you were talking to Ben? and he said yes, and I said, huh it didn't sound like that. So, it had always stuck in the back of my mind, but I had other things going on, and just kinda forgot about it for a while. In the meantime our cell phone bill was a little higher the last 2 months, because he went over his mins. We went through the detail of the phone numbers on the bill, and I noticed a few numbers that came up a lot, but he said one was "Ben" and he wasn't sure what the other numbers were, but they must have just been ppl. at work. I noticed that one of the calls was at 2 in the morning, on a day he had off and I was out of town with the kids. He again said that must have been "Ben," as they had been working on his car (which is at least somewhat true, because Ben had been over before I went out of town, with the kids, to work on my dh's car. Fast forward to Tuesday night, he fell asleep early, and when I went to bed, I checked his phone to make sure his alarm was set, and it showed a miss call, which wasn't the same number that he'd been talking a lot too, but very similar and reminded me about it. I clicked on "Ben" on his contact list to see what his number was, well yes it was one of the numbers he talks to a lot, but NOT the number that he had talked to at 2am, and NOT the number that he was talking to the night he came home from work with a hurt hand (so he obviously lied to me about that. I plugged in the number that was on our bill detail, and it came up as the contact "monster" on his phone...obviously not a real name.
So, the next morning I asked him about it and he said (with his voice shaking a little) that it was a girl that works at GNC (he's a major gym guy and has been for years,) and that he didn't tell me because he knew I'd "flip out," because I'm a girl. Just want to put in here that he's way more jealous than I've ever been. He tried to play it off like he didn't talk to her that much and that she just had questions about losing weight, that she tells him when stuffs on sale and he listened to some sob story about how her grandmothers trying to get custody of her kids. He said that she did go to the gym with him and "Ben" twice.
Obviously I'm mad that he ;ied to me, but then I went online and started looking more into the bill detail of our phones, and he's had as much as hour conversations with this woman, they've texted as much as 86 times a day (he has always said he doesn't like texting ect.) They've texted at 5 in the morning when he goes to work, and it was her he was talking to at 2 in the morning, and he texted her at 4 in the morning, literally 2 mins. after I walked out the door to head out of town with the kids. He texted me a few mins. later to say to have a good flight ect., but got out of bed to first text her on a sat. morning.
I questioned him about all of this and he said the texting her at 4 in the morning the day I left, was just saying "vacation," -to basically make a joke that he was on vacation, because we were out of town for a week, and it was "all in fun." He said he didn't remember talking to her at 2am, but he's sure it was nothing. He said that she's just someone that he can talk to, that he listens to her crap and she listens to his, and the texts at 5am, is just a "good morning" because she used to have to get up around the same time.
What the hell????
He swears nothing physical has ever happened and says she's not attractive at all (not that it matters.) He said that she's just a "friend." He is a talker and will talk anyones hear off, however he doesn't even really like females and he's never had a female friend, or talked to a female on the phone like this ect.
In all honesty, even if nothing physical happened, it really doesn't make that big a difference to me, I'm just done. I've gone through throwing up, not sleeping at all, hardly eating, crying ect., but I'm just done. We have two kids which really need to be our first priority, and honestly I'm thinking about telling him that I think it may be better if we do stay "married," just for the sake of the kids, and that we should be polite, friendly communicate openly about the kids ect., but I really just can't have him touch me. I just can't. There has to be a point that I respect myself, and I really just can't.
As far as staying together for the kids, I know it sounds dumb, but I'm a kid of divorced parents, I honestly I never really cared and always said I'd never had wanted to live in the same house as them, but I've been thinking about it a lot and as long as we can be polite to eachother ect., I'm not sure that it's not the best for the kids. I mean even best case scenario of us divorcing still has me torn on what would be best for them, and I really don't know if we'd be able to even have the ideal divorce. I keep thinking about the relationships my dsis's and I have had with men, and really none of them have been all that healthy and I can't help but think that if we'd had our Dad in our daily lives as teens that we probably would have made better choices; we probably would have respected ourselves more ect. I have a dd and I want better for her. I can remember being a teen and just wanting a hug from my Dad, if I was having a bad day or something, and I couldn't because he was half way across the country. I don't know, I just don't know what to do, or even really what I"m asking, but if you've read this long, thank you so much. I just don't know what would be best for our kids; what's your opinion on what would be best?
ETA: A best case scenario of a divorce, would be us living in the same city, both of us being able to put our kids first (he would have a really hard time with this..I know from his history, it's almost like he's unable to see past his own feelings ect., to do what's best for them,) it'd be us being friendly and able to work around eachothers schedules when it came to the kids ect.
Also, the marriage just really isn't anything worth saving. If we were being honest with ourselves, really neither of us enjoy eachothers company, almost always we'd both rather do things by ourselves, we don't really have anything in common, besides the kids, and we're both just very different.
He's not going to want to end the marriage, just because he would see it as a failure, but if he were honest, he really doesn't like me.
I really am able to put my hurt feelings aside. We've been speaking the last few days when we're with the kids and we took them to the zoo today (which is uncommon, but planned before I found out about this stuff, usually I would just take the kids by myself) and we all really did have a nice time, but it's almost misleading him because he just left for the gym and I asked him a question and he responded and then sent me another text to say I love you, just to see where we stood, and so I sent him a text that said I obviously love you too but things are different now, so I don't know, I just don't know what's best to do.
