Opinions on grown child's curfew...

[kimmyann]

Well, I did talk to her and everything is fine. We are leaving it at 10:00 and she will try to be more considerate. She does stay out later if there is something specific planned and has done this before (like midnight movies, etc..) and no time really on weekends. I'm not going to allow a come & go as you please policy, I just can't do it and she is in total understanding with this, if she decides that is what she wants then she is free to leave and get her own place to do what she wants, but while she is here and I pay the rent, buy her food, and pay for some of her entertainment that is how it is. She also has a choice to live at the dorms when she transfers college and she has NO desire to do that.

I have read every single comment on this and while I know I asked for opinions, that is what I got. Granted, some are very condisending and even quite rude, but I just consider the source and try to realize it is hard to read into things when they are typed. It did give me a different view of the situation and I may have to losen up at some point, but I think for now it will work. I also don't think anything good comes out of running the streets at all hours of the night, it will not give you any life experience IMO, just trouble. I've been living on my own (with my DH) since I was 17, which is when my mother expected me to move out. I know what too strict is and what kind of strict causes rebel. My mother was a strict, mind game playing queen. I'm very open with my kids and so far it is working out, just have to get through the bumps of disagreement. Of course this is my opinion, and I still thank you all for yours, like I said before, it really makes me see all sides.

 

[mdsoccermom]

I guess I don't see a cufew as unreasonable, especially on weekdays. also like a PP stated their is no magic fairy that matures an 18yr on their birthday.

I had a curfew when I lived at home of about 9:00 till I turned 16, 11-12:00 till I moved out at 27. it bothered me a little and not to say I didn't break them but, without the stability my parents gave me at my late teen early twenties I might have turned out quite different.

something to think about, I never once got arrested BEFORE 8:00PM

as for being quite when she gets home this is a completely understandable request and should be discussed, but my dad would have simply woke me up at 5:00 when he gets up. a couple early mornings of this and I wouldn't be out to teribly late.

Paul

Wow. By the time I was a senior in HS, my curfew was 2:00am. I'm pretty sure I didn't have a curfew once I was in college and came home for breaks.

 

[Allison]

Completely unreasonable. This is an adult in college. It's one thing to ask her to be quiet and not disturb people sleeping but it's another to impose a 9:30 curfew.

 

[mhsjax]

Wow. By the time I was a senior in HS, my curfew was 2:00am. I'm pretty sure I didn't have a curfew once I was in college and came home for breaks.

Just curious how old you were as a high school senior. Around here any one under 18 can't be out on the road after midnight unless coming home for work.

 

[shortbun]

The rules should be no kitchen after 9:30pm. Curfew for an over 18yo college student would be 'call if you are not coming home.' Lucky you that this is the first time you have received resistance. Want her to move out? That's probably where you are headed. Why not help her find a place with some roomates? She needs to spread her wings, not have them clipped.

 

[Disneywedding2010]

I'm trying to decide if I am being unresonable here. My daughter (18)is a full time college student (who is done with the semester), she also works part time, mainly evenings til anywhere from 10-12. I currently have her have to be home during the week by 10 pm when she is not working, but like last night she comes in at 10 and proceeds to fix herself dinner (leftover). We have a fairly small house so of course with her banging around the kitchen she wakes people up. My husband and I both have early jobs, we get up by 5:15 everyday and I am out the door with my youngest by 6:30.

So I told my oldest that she needs to start coming home at 9:30 during the week because we have to get up so early. She of course got very upset and thinks I am treating her like a baby, but I'm telling her this is about respect for others. I did even say fine keep it at 10, but you better make sure you eat before you come home and she is still fuming. Am I wrong or what? I just would like some outside opinions from those of you with older children.

Thanks

Yes, if I were her I'd be angry as well. She's 18, not 10. I was 18 and was working and going to school at the same time as well. There were nights that I didn't get home until almost 2am because I had to work til 1am. My mom was normally not home because she worked grave yard shift at the hospital. However, the rest of my siblings were in bed so I made a point to just enter the house quietly and go about my business.

Also, if she's working past 9pm putting a 930 curfew on her isn't going to work. Her boss isn't going to let her cut her shift early because mom and dad want her home early because they have to have a decent number of hours of sleep. She's growing up, being responsible, my suggestion is come up with a plan B because plan A isn't going to work out so well.

 

[mdsoccermom]

The rules should be no kitchen after 9:30pm. Curfew for an over 18yo college student would be 'call if you are not coming home.' Lucky you that this is the first time you have received resistance. Want her to move out? That's probably where you are headed. Why not help her find a place with some roomates? She needs to spread her wings, not have them clipped.

Because no kitchen makes so much more sense than a rule that someone has to be quiet when they're in the kitchen.

 

[kiddo76]

I couldn't imagaine having any kind of curfew in college, but 10:00 is extremely early. That's usually the time you start going out, not coming home. Even study groups go much later than that.

And why would you have a different curfew for the weekdays? I understand when they are kids, you want them home early for school the next day, but when they are in college, they are the ones responsible to get themselves in school on time.

I think any curfew is unreasonable, but I think if you insist on one, it shouldn't be any earlier than 2:00AM.

 

[RainbowBrite]

Well, I did talk to her and everything is fine. We are leaving it at 10:00 and she will try to be more considerate. She does stay out later if there is something specific planned and has done this before (like midnight movies, etc..) and no time really on weekends. I'm not going to allow a come & go as you please policy, I just can't do it and she is in total understanding with this, if she decides that is what she wants then she is free to leave and get her own place to do what she wants, but while she is here and I pay the rent, buy her food, and pay for some of her entertainment that is how it is. She also has a choice to live at the dorms when she transfers college and she has NO desire to do that.

I have read every single comment on this and while I know I asked for opinions, that is what I got. Granted, some are very condisending and even quite rude, but I just consider the source and try to realize it is hard to read into things when they are typed. It did give me a different view of the situation and I may have to losen up at some point, but I think for now it will work. I also don't think anything good comes out of running the streets at all hours of the night, it will not give you any life experience IMO, just trouble. I've been living on my own (with my DH) since I was 17, which is when my mother expected me to move out. I know what too strict is and what kind of strict causes rebel. My mother was a strict, mind game playing queen. I'm very open with my kids and so far it is working out, just have to get through the bumps of disagreement. Of course this is my opinion, and I still thank you all for yours, like I said before, it really makes me see all sides.

I still think 10 is really unreasonable. I lived at home until I was 23 and I never had a curfew after I graduated high school.

 

[Zandy595]

In this situation, I think my rules would be no curfew, but you'd better not wake anyone up when you come home. Can't be that difficult to be quiet, I used to sneak in late all the time and I don't think I ever woke anyone up.

 

[sbell111]

let me get this straight. You have a 10 pm curfew on a grown woman in college??? That is way beyond unreasonable even before you start trying to back it up to 9:30. The issue here isn't, or shouldn't be, what time she comes home. The real issue is respect for the members of the household who have to get up early. That's a valuable lesson that she'll need later on when she lives with roommates or works opposite shifts from her future spouse.

You need to sit down with her and have a calm conversation about respect, which, incidentally cuts both ways. You need to respect her as an adult who is capable of making her own decisions about what time to come home. In turn, she needs to respect the rest of the family as people who are already asleep when she gets there. If she comes home hungry, she's certainly allowed to eat. But it is possible to be very quiet when heating up food. There is also an onus on you to try not to hear her moving around. What about a white noise machine? Sleeping with the tv or radio on at a low volume?

The two of you can work out an arrangement that works for everyone, but only if you approach her in an "adult roommates" manner rather than a parent-child dynamic. Give some respect to get some respect.

+1

 

[Anna114]

For those of you that think she shouldn't have a curfew and granted the OP never said why but there are many reasons why this young lady may have a curfew. My 15 y/o son is a bad decision maker so he will not have the same rights as my older son. Maybe it's the neighborhood they live in. It may be experiences that his family has had. It may be the people that she hangs out with. To say that the curfew is completely unreasonable is in itself unreasonable. Maybe Mom and Dad are being too strict just for safety sake or are just plain mean I guess the OP needs to search their soul to make sure their decision is just but that having been said I think it is a reach to just say that the OP is being unreasonable.

 

[princessmom29]

For those of you that think she shouldn't have a curfew and granted the OP never said why but there are many reasons why this young lady may have a curfew. My 15 y/o son is a bad decision maker so he will not have the same rights as my older son. Maybe it's the neighborhood they live in. It may be experiences that his family has had. It may be the people that she hangs out with. To say that the curfew is completely unreasonable is in itself unreasonable. Maybe Mom and Dad are being too strict just for safety sake or are just plain mean I guess the OP needs to search their soul to make sure their decision is just but that having been said I think it is a reach to just say that the OP is being unreasonable.

Here is my take:
Really, none of that matters. We are not talking about a 15 year old. Her DD is an adult. At this point mom should no longer be policing who she hangs out with, and if they live in a bad neighborhood she is going to have to learn to deal with that on her own. A 10pm curfew is unreasonable for ANY fully functioning adult. She is not being allowed to learn how to make her own decisions on who to hang out with, when to come home, ect, and not being allowed to develop a sense of self responsibility that she is going to need when she is on her own if mom is constantly keeping tabs and imposing curfews. I owuld much rather my DD develop those skills at home where at least I can say "well that wasn't a very good idea, now was it?" and talk about making better choices.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I'm back again. To clarify, I in no way said that ANYONE called me a shrew, I called myself one. And yes, I was kinda hoping for the majority to agree with me (who doesn't want to be right ), and it is nice to get opinions from those who have been through this, even if I don't like the opinions, it still is giving me a different view of the situation. This is my first adult child so I am new to this and yes, I still want to know what she is doing. She goes to a community college until she transfers to the university here, so no dorm for her, she is here until she wants to leave. We have a very close relationship so I am trying to keep it that way, but then again I am trying to keep my sanity. I also would love to know how you get past worrying when your adult child stays out til whenever. Geez, everything was so much easier when they were little kids.

Thanks for the feedback.

Okay, I will withhold comment on the extremes of either side, and focus on the OP and her situation.

OP, it sounds like you do see that compromises have to made here... As convenient and nice as it would be to have an 18-19 year old to be like the younger kids and on the same frequency as the rest of the family, you are in that proverbial situation with an adult-teen child living with you!

And, for the next few months and years, it could be, well, a bit 'trying'.

While I would not want to set such a demanding curfew... It IS your house, this person is, while 18, still living there as your child, on your dime... so I do think some strong rules and the expectation of real respect are very appropriate. I would have a lights out, no excess noise, no guests, etc... after a certain time... She can certainly come home from work, put together a sandwich, and head to her room without turning on every light in the kitchen/house, making excess noise etc....

While I think you are having to kind of 'grow' into this situation with your daughter, and yes, she is an adult... I am simply not going to be one of those who say 'no restrictions on an adult'. Honey, we all know that you give many kids and inch, and they'll take a mile. It is your house, you have your younger child(ren) your husband, and yourself who have to come first. If she wants to indulge the munchies and have her own personal party, etc. at midnight... I will be one who will say, " Just as soon as you have your own place and can set your own guidelines..."

About worry and concern....
Yes, as a mother, I guess that can be really tough.
Especially at this point.. new young adult, out in the world.
But, you need to make sure that when it comes to what you say-do-expect with your daughter, you don't make that her issue, as it really is only yours.

PS: if there is anything you can do to make your house more acoustically noise-absorbing... heavy carpets, drapes, doors that close well, etc...
And, given some time, if your daughter exercises some restraint and respect, I suspect that you will get to where you can roll over and then sleep thru any nighttime sounds???? Right now, I'll bet you laying there, half asleep, with that parental radar on.

 

[mamacatnv]

Well, I did talk to her and everything is fine. We are leaving it at 10:00 and she will try to be more considerate. She does stay out later if there is something specific planned and has done this before (like midnight movies, etc..) and no time really on weekends. I'm not going to allow a come & go as you please policy, I just can't do it and she is in total understanding with this, if she decides that is what she wants then she is free to leave and get her own place to do what she wants, but while she is here and I pay the rent, buy her food, and pay for some of her entertainment that is how it is. She also has a choice to live at the dorms when she transfers college and she has NO desire to do that.

IMO - nothing changed, you are still inflicting an unreasonable curfew on an adult because as you have stated you can't handle it.

Also, the fact that your DD has no desire to live in a dorm would concern me if it were my kid. I would be asking myself, "why not" "what are they afraid of" that would lead me to the thought that perhaps by being so controlling that I inevitably have done some harm when an 18/19 year old college kid does not want to experience college complete with independent dorm life etc.
You moved away from your controlling mother and lived with your DH from the time you were 17, while your DD has not moved in with a guy she is very dependent on you, her controlling mother.
The goal is to encourage them to be independent, to make decisions, to learn to deal with situations and life as it comes along not to have to be home by 10.

 

[kiddo76]

Here is my take:
Really, none of that matters. We are not talking about a 15 year old. Her DD is an adult. At this point mom should no longer be policing who she hangs out with, and if they live in a bad neighborhood she is going to have to learn to deal with that on her own. A 10pm curfew is unreasonable for ANY fully functioning adult. She is not being allowed to learn how to make her own decisions on who to hang out with, when to come home, ect, and not being allowed to develop a sense of self responsibility that she is going to need when she is on her own if mom is constantly keeping tabs and imposing curfews. I owuld much rather my DD develop those skills at home where at least I can say "well that wasn't a very good idea, now was it?" and talk about making better choices.

ITA. Now is the time to trust that you have raised her right and trust her to do the right thing and learn from her own mistakes. She will be on her own eventually. I think now is the time to let her ease into that by giving her more responsiblity.

 

[JLTraveling]

IMO - nothing changed, you are still inflicting an unreasonable curfew on an adult because as you have stated you can't handle it.

Also, the fact that your DD has no desire to live in a dorm would concern me if it were my kid. I would be asking myself, "why not" "what are they afraid of" that would lead me to the thought that perhaps by being so controlling that I inevitably have done some harm when an 18/19 year old college kid does not want to experience college complete with independent dorm life etc.
You moved away from your controlling mother and lived with your DH from the time you were 17, while your DD has not moved in with a guy she is very dependent on you, her controlling mother.
The goal is to encourage them to be independent, to make decisions, to learn to deal with situations and life as it comes along not to have to be home by 10.

ITA. OP, I do believe you've come a long way with your daughter compared to your stated relationship with your own mother. But you have so much further you need to go. I chose to live at home while attending community college, but I also happened to be 15 at the time. At 16 I was out on my own. I did move home a few times after that, but never because I was unable to be independent. And my parents treated me like an adult.

The fact that your daughter does not want to try out independence and is, in fact, content with a 10 PM curfew, speaks volumes about that dynamic. If she's not trying to fly on her own, then it's your job as a parent to give her a bit of a push, not to encourage dependence because it's easier on you.

 

[Anna114]

Here is my take:
Really, none of that matters. We are not talking about a 15 year old. Her DD is an adult. At this point mom should no longer be policing who she hangs out with, and if they live in a bad neighborhood she is going to have to learn to deal with that on her own. A 10pm curfew is unreasonable for ANY fully functioning adult. She is not being allowed to learn how to make her own decisions on who to hang out with, when to come home, ect, and not being allowed to develop a sense of self responsibility that she is going to need when she is on her own if mom is constantly keeping tabs and imposing curfews. I owuld much rather my DD develop those skills at home where at least I can say "well that wasn't a very good idea, now was it?" and talk about making better choices.

Wow, I guess we will have to agree to disagree First off yes I know we are not talking 15 yo, my POINT was that my younger son will not have the same rights my older son had at the same age. They are different people and thus different considerations are in place. To have a hands off attitude just because she is 18, yeah no, not for me. I do think outside factors do matter. As I originally stated, if her daughter doesn't like the rules as a "fully functioning adult" she has choices. My son doesn't have a curfew because he has the good sense to come home early enough for when he has to get up the next day. If he continually got up late or missed school, those are my dollars at work. He has both a responsibility to himself and then to me. My son has choices they are up to him to make.

 

[bubblemom]

I have a 20 year old "boomarang" kid living and working at home too. He doesn't have a curfew but he is expected to call and keep me informed as to when he might be coming in. I think that is respectful so I don't wake in the middle of the night and wonder if he is dead in the road somewhere. He also has to help out with chores and pay a small amount of rent. Trying to teach him some responsibility.

 

[ChrizJen]

OP, I understand what you're saying, and it makes perfect sense that you're trying to protect her and keep her from running around all hours of the night. However, there's a difference between being a strict parent and just plain being inappropriate. And I think you're being inappropriate. I would never dream of imposing a curfew on an 18 year old woman who comes home between semesters at college. I have to wonder where you would draw the line? What about when she's 21 and wants to go to a nightclub? Would you forbid it? My point is that she's now officially, in every sense of the word, an adult. You'll need to figure out when you're going to stop treating her like a child and start treating her with the respect that an adult needs and deserves. Otherwise, how do you ever expect her to act like an adult?

BUT...as others have said, she needs to also show your family some respect as well. If she's not able to come home and get food in the kitchen quietly, then she needs to stop and grab something to eat on her way home. She most certainly owes you the respect of allowing you to get your sleep. But you also owe her the respect of allowing her to be the adult that she is.