Opinions on grown child's curfew...

[mamacatnv]

I would never dream of imposing a curfew on an 18 year old woman who comes home between semesters at college.

Psssttt. The young woman still lives at home year round. According to OP, her daughter has no desire to move to a college dorm.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Wouldn't it make more sense to give these teens/young adults more responsibility/freedom while they are still at home and you can keep an eye on what they are doing?

It certainly makes more sense to me than having them leave the house without ever having to make adult decisions on their own; that is when kids go absolutely wild and really screw up.

 

[kiddo76]

Wouldn't it make more sense to give these teens/young adults more responsibility/freedom while they are still at home and you can keep an eye on what they are doing?

It certainly makes more sense to me than having them leave the house without ever having to make adult decisions on their own; that is when kids go absolutely wild and really screw up.

I don't get the whole "If she doesn't like a 10:00 curfew, she can move out" argument. Talk about going from one extreme to the other. That argument sounds to me like the curfew issue is more about control than concern.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't get the whole "If she doesn't like a 10:00 curfew, she can move out" argument. Talk about going from one extreme to the other. That argument sounds to me like the curfew issue is more about control than concern.

Could be a little of both.

I can usually smell real control issues from a million miles away,
and I am not so sure that is the biggest factor here, at all....

Does the OP, perhaps, need to learn to 'let go' now that her oldest has turned 18... Very probably so....

And, as has been discussed on other recent threads... it is very, VERY, hard to let-go, when 'your baby' is still living with you as a child.

I also fully believe, that in the best interest and sanity of the OP, and her husand, younger child(ren) etc... It would mean a LOT to be able to turn out the lights and go to bed and sleep and rest, at a reasonable hour for THEIR schedule.

While I do think that the OP is being unreasonable with such an early curfew. This kid is still just 18... Still living completely at home, like a teenager, on the parent's dime... And it IS the parent's home.

I believe there has to be a happy medium.... a later curfew, a very strict lights-out, no noise, no guests policy... etc...

To those who would say that, she's an adult, she should be able to go and do as she pleases, no real restrictions...
I can say that, "no way is my 18-19-20 year old child setting up their own Bachelor/Bachelorette pad in MY home".

I fully believe that when a kid 18-19 years of age gets to darned comfortable, living at home, but acting like they have the perks of autonomy and independence... That will, in many if not most cases, breed a child who finds it acceptable to take the easy route, instead of foster independence... and this leads to a very negative co-dependent situation.... Child relies to much on parents... Parents rely too much on child, and the ability to control child in order to control their concerns, fears, etc... And, at the same time, both hate each other for it.

This kid is still just 18, but, yes, at some point, it should be RULES OF THE FAMILY HOME, or out the door.

At some point, compromise is just not realistic.

OP, I WOULD JUST SAY THAT IF YOU ARE READY TO TAKE THAT STAND RIGHT NOW, YOU MIGHT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE PREPARED IF SHE CHOOSES THE DOOR....

 

[mhsjax]

IMO - nothing changed, you are still inflicting an unreasonable curfew on an adult because as you have stated you can't handle it.

Also, the fact that your DD has no desire to live in a dorm would concern me if it were my kid. I would be asking myself, "why not" "what are they afraid of" that would lead me to the thought that perhaps by being so controlling that I inevitably have done some harm when an 18/19 year old college kid does not want to experience college complete with independent dorm life etc.
You moved away from your controlling mother and lived with your DH from the time you were 17, while your DD has not moved in with a guy she is very dependent on you, her controlling mother.
The goal is to encourage them to be independent, to make decisions, to learn to deal with situations and life as it comes along not to have to be home by 10.

I know lots of people that don't want to live in a dorm. I didn't, my best friend didn't. One of my best friends DD who just started college doesn't.

Now they don't live at home wither, but they darn sure didn't want to live in a dorm. IN fact my BF and I went to CC just so that we could afford an apartment for the last 2 years . We wanted none of that dorm stuff. Turned out I didn't go, but she did, and got an apartment. Dorm = yuk. IMHO

However, I wouldn't have a curfew either, unless she had given me reason to. All I want is a phone call to let me know if you are late.

 

[Wishing on a star]

NO WAY would I ever want to live in a dorm.

NO WAY would I encourage my son to, either.

 

[kiddo76]

This kid is still just 18, but, yes, at some point, it should be RULES OF THE FAMILY HOME, or out the door.

At some point, compromise is just not realistic.

I agree with that concerning the noise issue, but not with curfew. If she's not mature enough to be trusted with no curfew, she's certainly not mature enough to be living out on her own.

 

[kiddo76]

NO WAY would I ever want to live in a dorm.

NO WAY would I encourage my son to, either.

IMO, living in the dorms is a huge part of the college experience. College is so much more than just the classes you go to. I went to a state university and it was very hard for commuters to be part of the student community.

 

[mhsjax]

IMO, living in the dorms is a huge part of the college experience. College is so much more than just the classes you go to. I went to a state university and it was very hard for commuters to be part of the student community.

Yep, I have heard all about the experience from my friends. No thanks. I never wanted that. My BF didn't have any problems being part of the student community, but she lived in apts that pretty much housed the college students. I know a lot of campuses are going this way.

 

[jamimb]

Im from the school of thought that it's my house and my rules! If this means being home at 8 for goodness sake you can take it or get out! I wouldnt impose an 8 oclock curfew but Im just saying this is how it would be in my house!

 

[mamacatnv]

IMO, living in the dorms is a huge part of the college experience. College is so much more than just the classes you go to. I went to a state university and it was very hard for commuters to be part of the student community.

I agree.
We live 8 miles from the Univ. campus that DS attends.
Year 1, dorm with 1 unknown roomie.
Year 2, on campus apt with 4 other roomies (unknown) with his own room & bath, shared kitchen & common areas.
Year 3, stand alone house with 2 roomies he met during year 1 in the dorm.

Best $$ we have ever spent.
DS has met people from all over, not just his high school friends. He is actively involved in student/campus life and he loves it! The kid who went off to college is now a young man who is independent, confident and IMO a bit more well rounded than his friends who attend the same school but still live at home with Mommy and Daddys supervision.
Statistically, (I don't know the percentages but I do know they exist) kids who live on campus have higher graduation rates and do better overall than commuter kids.

To those anti dorm people. I didn't mention alternatives like apts etc. since the OP specifically referrenced dorms in her posts.
Dorm living/student housing teaches soooooo many different things, I would not change it in the slightest if I could go back and start over.

Another thing that moving off to college did for DS was it forced me to have to let go, to allow him to grow up, to be indepdent etc. I needed him to go away to school for me as much as he needed to go for himself.

 

[kiddo76]

Yep, I have heard all about the experience from my friends. No thanks. I never wanted that. My BF didn't have any problems being part of the student community, but she lived in apts that pretty much housed the college students. I know a lot of campuses are going this way.

Never wanted what?

 

[PixieDustandEeyore]

The OP has made a decision and I don't think she wants more information dispensed. She did what was best for her, and since it is her kid lets leave it to her rules

 

[mhsjax]

Never wanted what?

The all night parties and drinking. Isn't my thing, I like peace and quit, plus I really didn't car about the "college experience" Also, I don't small spaces with people, and I never, ever share bathrooms, won't do it. I am weird, but hey that is the way I roll.

 

[mhsjax]

I agree.
We live 8 miles from the Univ. campus that DS attends.
Year 1, dorm with 1 unknown roomie.
Year 2, on campus apt with 4 other roomies (unknown) with his own room & bath, shared kitchen & common areas.
Year 3, stand alone house with 2 roomies he met during year 1 in the dorm.

Best $$ we have ever spent.
DS has met people from all over, not just his high school friends. He is actively involved in student/campus life and he loves it! The kid who went off to college is now a young man who is independent, confident and IMO a bit more well rounded than his friends who attend the same school but still live at home with Mommy and Daddys supervision.
Statistically, (I don't know the percentages but I do know they exist) kids who live on campus have higher graduation rates and do better overall than commuter kids.

To those anti dorm people. I didn't mention alternatives like apts etc. since the OP specifically referrenced dorms in her posts.
Dorm living/student housing teaches soooooo many different things, I would not change it in the slightest if I could go back and start over.

Another thing that moving off to college did for DS was it forced me to have to let go, to allow him to grow up, to be indepdent etc. I needed him to go away to school for me as much as he needed to go for himself.

I can see where you would need to have your kids leave. I just told mine yesterday that he had to go away. Even if he does stay in town, I will try to convince him to get an apartment.

 

[mamacatnv]

The OP has made a decision and I don't think she wants more information dispensed. She did what was best for her, and since it is her kid lets leave it to her rules

Now where is the fun in that?

OP asked for opinions - not sure why she herself said it was not something she could do so why ask our opinions in the first place is beyond me, but ask she did.

Its the Dis afterall, most of us know, one is going to get an opinion when not asked, but heck when the opinion red carpet is rolled out....

 

[kiddo76]

The all night parties and drinking. What can I say, they went to a huge party school. I also don't share a small space with others. Runs in my family, none of us do. We like our space.

I, too, went to a 'party school', and it was hardly parties all night all the time. Most of the big parties were over at the off campus apartments. I'm not surprise that someone who has never lived in the dorms would have that incorrect opinion.

To me the dorm experience was all about having someone right next door to cram for a big exam with. Meeting people from all over and of different cultures and sharing in some of their traditions. Staying up until 2:00am discussing your ethics professors lecture that day. Pooling all of your spare change together to order a pizza at midnight to help you finish a big project.

There was drinking and partying, but never as much as people who have never lived in the dorms think and never as much as the people who lived in the dorms claimed.

 

[mhsjax]

I, too, went to a 'party school', and it was hardly parties all night all the time. Most of the big parties were over at the off campus apartments. I'm not surprise that someone who has never lived in the dorms would have that incorrect opinion.

To me the dorm experience was all about having someone right next door to cram for a big exam with. Meeting people from all over and of different cultures and sharing in some of their traditions. Staying up until 2:00am discussing your ethics professors lecture that day. Pooling all of your spare change together to order a pizza at midnight to help you finish a big project.

There was drinking and partying, but never as much as people who have never lived in the dorms think and never as much as the people who lived in the dorms claimed.

Well sorry, but I got this info form someone that DID live in a dorm. And like you she thinks I am crazy for never living in one, so we have this conversation fairly often. So no I am not wrong in this case, maybe your yes, but not mine. You liked it fine, I wanted nothing to do with it.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm trying to decide if I am being unresonable here. My daughter (18)is a full time college student (who is done with the semester), she also works part time, mainly evenings til anywhere from 10-12. I currently have her have to be home during the week by 10 pm when she is not working, but like last night she comes in at 10 and proceeds to fix herself dinner (leftover). We have a fairly small house so of course with her banging around the kitchen she wakes people up. My husband and I both have early jobs, we get up by 5:15 everyday and I am out the door with my youngest by 6:30.

So I told my oldest that she needs to start coming home at 9:30 during the week because we have to get up so early. She of course got very upset and thinks I am treating her like a baby, but I'm telling her this is about respect for others. I did even say fine keep it at 10, but you better make sure you eat before you come home and she is still fuming. Am I wrong or what? I just would like some outside opinions from those of you with older children.

Thanks

What you need here is a happy medium between "it's my house and you'll abide by my rules" and "I'm an adult".

On the one hand, the OP has some reasonable concerns: She needs quiet in the evenings, and she doesn't want the daughter to come home and mess up the kitchen after she's cleaned it for the evening. She has every right to have things "her way" in her home. However, she's not really attacking the problems -- she's making rules that aren't necessarily going to fix the problems. Making rules to address her actual needs will be more effective. Perhaps this might include: Be completely quiet when you come in, no guests in the evenings, and if you cook something in the evenings, wash your dishes.

On the other hand, the daughter clearly isn't fully an adult -- not while she's still financially dependant upon her parents -- and she needs to follow the rules her parents set forth for her.

I can usually smell real control issues from a million miles away,
and I am not so sure that is the biggest factor here, at all....

I'm not hearing control issues either. I'm hearing transition problems -- the mom (probably the daughter too) aren't sure what changes, procedures, etc. are appropriate now in this new phase of their lives. I'm hearing growing pains.

IMO, living in the dorms is a huge part of the college experience. College is so much more than just the classes you go to. I went to a state university and it was very hard for commuters to be part of the student community.

I agree. A dorm is a great first-step out of mom and dad's house. It's more independant than living at home, but you have more support and security than you'd have living in an apartment. Also, it's a chance to learn to live on your own without being responsible for EVERYTHING -- you don't have to pay electric bills, etc. You have to wash your own clothes, get along with your roommate and floormates, but you don't have to clean the bathroom or cook. And it's so much easier to become involved in the college's activities.

Most of the people I know personally who are anti-dorm have never lived in a dorm! They just THINK they know what it's like.

My husband's like that. He visited his friends in dorms on weekends, when things were loud, when they were showing movies out in the commons area, when people were rowdy . . . and he thinks that's how the dorms are all week long. He doesn't grasp the idea that Sunday night - Friday afternoon, the dorms were quiet. If you walked through, you'd see groups of people studying together -- some in the large rooms, perhaps others typing in the small soundproof rooms. And quiet hours were strictly enforced during the week.

Weekends were different. Most always there'd be a movie or a concert going on somewhere in the residential areas. Most always there'd be parties going on. It'd be loud sometimes, but then it'd be dead quiet 'til noon on Saturday and Sunday as everyone slept in.

My preference is that my girls live two years in a dorm -- I could accept them moving out after a year, or I could accept them staying longer. As I said, it's such a good first-step out into the world, and it's a unique situation in which they can never live again. Will they do that? I am pretty sure my oldest will be in a dorm her first year. She's toured a couple colleges, and that's the direction she's moving.

 

[MrsPete]

Well sorry, but I got this info form someone that DID live in a dorm. And like you she thinks I am crazy for never living in one, so we have this conversation fairly often. So no I am not wrong in this case, maybe your yes, but not mine. You liked it fine, I wanted nothing to do with it.

You're proving my point. Your anti-dorm information is second-hand. I'm not saying you're not entitled to your own opinion on what's the best place to live in college because, after all, you probably had an experience that I didn't have . . . but you're not really entitled to present yourself as an expert on dorm life, not when you haven't experienced it yourself.