Opinions on grown child's curfew...

[kiddo76]

Most of the people I know personally who are anti-dorm have never lived in a dorm! They just THINK they know what it's like.

My husband's like that. He visited his friends in dorms on weekends, when things were loud, when they were showing movies out in the commons area, when people were rowdy . . . and he thinks that's how the dorms are all week long. He doesn't grasp the idea that Sunday night - Friday afternoon, the dorms were quiet. If you walked through, you'd see groups of people studying together -- some in the large rooms, perhaps others typing in the small soundproof rooms. And quiet hours were strictly enforced during the week.

Weekends were different. Most always there'd be a movie or a concert going on somewhere in the residential areas. Most always there'd be parties going on. It'd be loud sometimes, but then it'd be dead quiet 'til noon on Saturday and Sunday as everyone slept in.

You hit the nail on the head and you just described dorm life perfectly

 

[monarchsfan16]

Well, I did talk to her and everything is fine. We are leaving it at 10:00 and she will try to be more considerate. She does stay out later if there is something specific planned and has done this before (like midnight movies, etc..) and no time really on weekends. I'm not going to allow a come & go as you please policy, I just can't do it and she is in total understanding with this, if she decides that is what she wants then she is free to leave and get her own place to do what she wants, but while she is here and I pay the rent, buy her food, and pay for some of her entertainment that is how it is. She also has a choice to live at the dorms when she transfers college and she has NO desire to do that.

I have read every single comment on this and while I know I asked for opinions, that is what I got. Granted, some are very condisending and even quite rude, but I just consider the source and try to realize it is hard to read into things when they are typed. It did give me a different view of the situation and I may have to losen up at some point, but I think for now it will work. I also don't think anything good comes out of running the streets at all hours of the night, it will not give you any life experience IMO, just trouble. I've been living on my own (with my DH) since I was 17, which is when my mother expected me to move out. I know what too strict is and what kind of strict causes rebel. My mother was a strict, mind game playing queen. I'm very open with my kids and so far it is working out, just have to get through the bumps of disagreement. Of course this is my opinion, and I still thank you all for yours, like I said before, it really makes me see all sides.

There IS a happy medium. Since my sister and I have been in college, we have no curfew. But we DON'T have a come and go as you please policy. Mom needs to know who we're with, where we are, and what time we expect to be home. And she expects a call if details will be changing. She also has the right to say "no" if our plans seem excessive. I would not call that "come and go as you please", yet we have the ability to stay out until a reasonable hour. The reality is that college jobs are variable. There are nights when my friends don't even get home until 9 from work. Movie night goes until 11:30. I'm home at midnight. I'm not out running the roads. And mom knows where I am.

The bigger issue is consideration. I'm allowed to come in at midnight, etc, despite the fact that I have to walk through the living room to get to my room. The living room is currently my stepfather's bedroom, for medical reasons. I have walked past him, while he's sleeping, 6 inches away from my path to the stairs to my room, and he's stayed asleep. I've learned how to be quiet and considerate. As has my sister. If our consideration went away, things would change.

 

[kimmyann]

This will be the last I respond to this. I am actually very surprised that people think my daughter and I are strange because she does not want to leave her home. She has a plan, she already has a job waiting for her when she graduates college, she wants to live at home so that when she starts working full time she will be totally ready and have a pretty hefty savings account on hand to start her life off. She is not at all a party type and does not like being around it. She is very secure in who she is and what she wants. Those of you who's kids were ready to leave, or you yourself were ready to leave...maybe you are the ones with the problem or maybe your relationships are not what you think they are.

I thought that I could have got some educated insight from some fellow parents on the subject, instead I got immature, judgemental, and downright snotty comments (from some, not all). You have criticized me for not liking your opinions, but you don't like mine either. Granted I did ask, but I did not ask for your rudeness. I don't agree that anyone should live their lives and not have any responsiblity to anyone but themselves, just because they are grown. All that does is breed selfishness and general lack of respect and is a prime example of our society today. I just can't get past allowing one person to disrupt an entire household simply because she is an adult now. She is in fact spending the night out with her boyfriend and his sister, that's fine, she has somewhere to go. She is also going out of town next week overnight, these are things that have already been planned, it's not really a control thing going on, but more of a respect thing. It goes both ways. I can't wait until all of my children are grown and have their own lives, but until the point that they are ready to live on their own they are always welcomed in their home and they know this, but they have to be considerate of me just as they expect me to be considerate of them.

 

[mamacatnv]

This will be the last I respond to this. I am actually very surprised that people think my daughter and I are strange because she does not want to leave her home. She has a plan, she already has a job waiting for her when she graduates college, she wants to live at home so that when she starts working full time she will be totally ready and have a pretty hefty savings account on hand to start her life off. She is not at all a party type and does not like being around it. She is very secure in who she is and what she wants. Those of you who's kids were ready to leave, or you yourself were ready to leave...maybe you are the ones with the problem or maybe your relationships are not what you think they are.

I thought that I could have got some educated insight from some fellow parents on the subject, instead I got immature, judgemental, and downright snotty comments (from some, not all). You have criticized me for not liking your opinions, but you don't like mine either. Granted I did ask, but I did not ask for your rudeness. I don't agree that anyone should live their lives and not have any responsiblity to anyone but themselves, just because they are grown. All that does is breed selfishness and general lack of respect and is a prime example of our society today. I just can't get past allowing one person to disrupt an entire household simply because she is an adult now. She is in fact spending the night out with her boyfriend and his sister, that's fine, she has somewhere to go. She is also going out of town next week overnight, these are things that have already been planned, it's not really a control thing going on, but more of a respect thing. It goes both ways. I can't wait until all of my children are grown and have their own lives, but until the point that they are ready to live on their own they are always welcomed in their home and they know this, but they have to be considerate of me just as they expect me to be considerate of them.

You know OP, I have read this entire thread and honestly, you act like you were somehow attacked. You state that we were Immature, rude and snotty to you to name a few, I really did not see that going on.

You stated that you came looking for some educated insight, you got lots of parents who have been in your same situations opinions, what more did you want?

Just because the vast majority thinks you are being unreasonable, which was one of your questions in the beginning I might add, does not give you the right to call us rude, snotty and judgemental and then to make condemning comments because our young adults have chosen to go away to college and yours has a 10 pm curfew that you wanted to bump to 9:30.

 

[Acklander]

I just can't get past allowing one person to disrupt an entire household simply because she is an adult now. .

I think every one was in agreement that it wasn't fine that she was disrupting the household. I think what people are saying is that, if the issue is that she's too noisy, you should be dealing with that. Her curfew has nothing to do with how noisy she is after you've gone to bed.

 

[bluesaturn]

Those of you who's kids were ready to leave, or you yourself were ready to leave...maybe you are the ones with the problem or maybe your relationships are not what you think they are.

I didn't previously respond to this thread because I didn't really care to. I don't really care if your daughter wants to live at home. But the above statement is laughable. Being ready to move out once you're a legal adult is NOT a sign of a bad relationship.

 

[Minniemouse07]

When I was a teen my sister and I (16mo younger) never had curfews.

My parents knew who we were going out with, where we were going, and about what time we would be home...if we would be out later than that we called.

When we got older and went away to college...that didn't change when we came home.

As I would expect anyone living in the same house/apartment together would do...I shared where I was going and about what time I would be home. I think this is just respectful of whom you are living with and smart (since you never know what could happen these days!).

I plan on having the same rules for my children that my parents had for us.

In your (the OP) situation I would work more on your dd being more respectful of others in the house as far as noise, etc rather than insisting that she be home earlier.

 

[PixieDustandEeyore]

Now where is the fun in that?

OP asked for opinions - not sure why she herself said it was not something she could do so why ask our opinions in the first place is beyond me, but ask she did.

Its the Dis afterall, most of us know, one is going to get an opinion when not asked, but heck when the opinion red carpet is rolled out....

That's the Dis for ya ask a question with a yes or no answer and you'll get an entire thesis written

 

[JLTraveling]

This will be the last I respond to this. I am actually very surprised that people think my daughter and I are strange because she does not want to leave her home. She has a plan, she already has a job waiting for her when she graduates college, she wants to live at home so that when she starts working full time she will be totally ready and have a pretty hefty savings account on hand to start her life off. She is not at all a party type and does not like being around it. She is very secure in who she is and what she wants. Those of you who's kids were ready to leave, or you yourself were ready to leave...maybe you are the ones with the problem or maybe your relationships are not what you think they are.

I thought that I could have got some educated insight from some fellow parents on the subject, instead I got immature, judgemental, and downright snotty comments (from some, not all). You have criticized me for not liking your opinions, but you don't like mine either. Granted I did ask, but I did not ask for your rudeness. I don't agree that anyone should live their lives and not have any responsiblity to anyone but themselves, just because they are grown. All that does is breed selfishness and general lack of respect and is a prime example of our society today. I just can't get past allowing one person to disrupt an entire household simply because she is an adult now. She is in fact spending the night out with her boyfriend and his sister, that's fine, she has somewhere to go. She is also going out of town next week overnight, these are things that have already been planned, it's not really a control thing going on, but more of a respect thing. It goes both ways. I can't wait until all of my children are grown and have their own lives, but until the point that they are ready to live on their own they are always welcomed in their home and they know this, but they have to be considerate of me just as they expect me to be considerate of them.

Wow, you got immature, judgmental and snotty out of the responses? And the idea that we're suggesting you let your daughter disrupt the household? I've seen a pile of people giving you opinions that don't agree with your own, along with suggestions for implementing them, in a respectful and kind manner. Considering your first question was "am I being unreasonable," you are being unreasonable right now in getting angry with people for expressing the opinions that you asked for. Growing up and developing an independent life is HEALTHY and NORMAL and EXPECTED, not a sign of a bad relationship with one's parents. It seems that there are way more issues here than any of us realize, and I hope that you get them worked out.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

This would be a very boring discussion board if people just answered yes or no without explaining why that is their answer.

 

[luvmy3]

This will be the last I respond to this. I am actually very surprised that people think my daughter and I are strange because she does not want to leave her home. She has a plan, she already has a job waiting for her when she graduates college, she wants to live at home so that when she starts working full time she will be totally ready and have a pretty hefty savings account on hand to start her life off. She is not at all a party type and does not like being around it. She is very secure in who she is and what she wants. Those of you who's kids were ready to leave, or you yourself were ready to leave...maybe you are the ones with the problem or maybe your relationships are not what you think they are.

I thought that I could have got some educated insight from some fellow parents on the subject, instead I got immature, judgemental, and downright snotty comments (from some, not all). You have criticized me for not liking your opinions, but you don't like mine either. Granted I did ask, but I did not ask for your rudeness. I don't agree that anyone should live their lives and not have any responsiblity to anyone but themselves, just because they are grown. All that does is breed selfishness and general lack of respect and is a prime example of our society today. I just can't get past allowing one person to disrupt an entire household simply because she is an adult now. She is in fact spending the night out with her boyfriend and his sister, that's fine, she has somewhere to go. She is also going out of town next week overnight, these are things that have already been planned, it's not really a control thing going on, but more of a respect thing. It goes both ways. I can't wait until all of my children are grown and have their own lives, but until the point that they are ready to live on their own they are always welcomed in their home and they know this, but they have to be considerate of me just as they expect me to be considerate of them.

Why then do you feel at her age she needs a 9:30 curfew? If its about the noise she makes then like others have said, that has nothing to do with a curfew.

 

[mamacatnv]

I didn't previously respond to this thread because I didn't really care to. I don't really care if your daughter wants to live at home. But the above statement is laughable. Being ready to move out once you're a legal adult is NOT a sign of a bad relationship.

I think the OP has gone into major defense mode and now her inability to let her daughter grow up while the rest of us are coping with it is a sore point to her so she is throwing around ridiculous statements such as the one you pointed out.

I think every one was in agreement that it wasn't fine that she was disrupting the household. I think what people are saying is that, if the issue is that she's too noisy, you should be dealing with that. Her curfew has nothing to do with how noisy she is after you've gone to bed.

This has been pointed out over and over, seems lile the OP has a real issue with not having her daughter home under her roof and she is using the noise excuse as just that, an excuse.

Wow, you got immature, judgmental and snotty out of the responses? And the idea that we're suggesting you let your daughter disrupt the household? I've seen a pile of people giving you opinions that don't agree with your own, along with suggestions for implementing them, in a respectful and kind manner. Considering your first question was "am I being unreasonable," you are being unreasonable right now in getting angry with people for expressing the opinions that you asked for. Growing up and developing an independent life is HEALTHY and NORMAL and EXPECTED, not a sign of a bad relationship with one's parents. It seems that there are way more issues here than any of us realize, and I hope that you get them worked out.

I think the bolded part says a lot

Why then do you feel at her age she needs a 9:30 curfew? If its about the noise she makes then like others have said, that has nothing to do with a curfew.

Because Mommy can't handle her not being home. She is using the excuse of the DD disrupting her house as her argument but after 10 pages of discussion and ideas, what I and others are seeing is this has nothing to do with the noise and everything to do with not being able to cope with her DD growing up and being out of her control.

 

[Hannathy]

Because Mommy can't handle her not being home. She is using the excuse of the DD disrupting her house as her argument but after 10 pages of discussion and ideas, what I and others are seeing is this has nothing to do with the noise and everything to do with not being able to cope with her DD growing up and being out of her control.

And a daughter so used to being controlled and worn down that she isn't even rebelling a 9:30 curfew as an adult!!! That says volumes to me. There is something very wrong with this picture with both women.

 

[mamacatnv]

And a daughter so used to being controlled and worn down that she isn't even rebelling a 9:30 curfew as an adult!!! That says volumes to me. There is something very wrong with this picture with both women.

Very Good point!

 

[goofy!]

I'm trying to decide if I am being unresonable here.
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.
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She of course got very upset and thinks I am treating her like a baby, but I'm telling her this is about respect for others.
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Am I wrong or what? I just would like some outside opinions from those of you with older children.

Thanks

Yes, I think you are wrong, being unreasonable and treating your daughter like a baby. As the majority of posters have said, you have two separate issues here. The curfew is NOT about respect for others, that is a control issue. The respect for the other members of the family is a separate issue that needs to be addressed.

I have a 20 year old college student living at home, so am one of those parents with older children you were referencing.

First of all, DS's university requires all freshman to live on campus. The only way out of the requirement is a significant financial hardship, verified by your FAFSA paired with living within commuting distance. Otherwise, it is the dorms for all incoming freshman.

Best rule a university can make. It helps the student and the parent negotiate their new roles and helps the student transition into adulthood.

DS moved back home (we live 7 minutes away) after a last minute apartment/roommate snafu.

Here is how we navigate 3 adults in the household and it seems to work extremely well for us.

DS does not have a curfew. As an adult, he is expected to manage his own time. I would not dream of managing his time for him. He is an adult and is treated as such. I would no more set a specific time for him to be home than I would demand my husband be home every night by xyz.

That said, as adults in the household, there is a certain courtesy and respect that is understood between we adults. DH texts or calls when meetings run late or just to communicate plans. I text when I am out and about. DS always communicates his plans with us and will text if there are changes from his standard routine. In fact, as I was writing this, he popped his head in the room and said he was heading out to XYZ's and when he thought he would be home.

We do not demand it, it is just understood that is what adults do. We communicate our plans with each other out of respect for each other. We do not want to worry about each other, so out of love and respect, we let each other know where we are and what we are doing.

There is a huge difference between a parent demanding a curfew for an adult child vs the adults in the house communicating with each other. IMHO, the first maintains a parent/child relationship with a parent reluctant to give up power and control over the now adult child, while the second is a healthy adult relationship.

I don't think an adult college student should have a curfew. However, there should be reasonable expectations of communication from the student about their plans and there should definitely be complete consideration for the sleeping members of the household.

As for those saying that the student doesn't magically turn an adult at 18, hopefully it isn't a sudden, magical transition. Hopefully, it was a long and well guided 18 year journey.

Maybe I am wrong, but I thought that was the goal of parenting, to have raised mature, responsible adults by the time they graduate from high school. If a parent is still thinking they need do-overs after the child arrives at adulthood, I would gently suggest parking the helicopter in the hanger and put more trust in yourself that you did an excellent job for 18 years in nurturing the child into an adult.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, I think you are wrong, being unreasonable and treating your daughter like a baby. As the majority of posters have said, you have two separate issues here. The curfew is NOT about respect for others, that is a control issue. The respect for the other members of the family is a separate issue that needs to be addressed.

I have a 20 year old college student living at home, so am one of those parents with older children you were referencing.

First of all, DS's university requires all freshman to live on campus. The only way out of the requirement is a significant financial hardship, verified by your FAFSA paired with living within commuting distance. Otherwise, it is the dorms for all incoming freshman.

Best rule a university can make. It helps the student and the parent negotiate their new roles and helps the student transition into adulthood.

DS moved back home (we live 7 minutes away) after a last minute apartment/roommate snafu.

Here is how we navigate 3 adults in the household and it seems to work extremely well for us.

DS does not have a curfew. As an adult, he is expected to manage his own time. I would not dream of managing his time for him. He is an adult and is treated as such. I would no more set a specific time for him to be home than I would demand my husband be home every night by xyz.

That said, as adults in the household, there is a certain courtesy and respect that is understood between we adults. DH texts or calls when meetings run late or just to communicate plans. I text when I am out and about. DS always communicates his plans with us and will text if there are changes from his standard routine. In fact, as I was writing this, he popped his head in the room and said he was heading out to XYZ's and when he thought he would be home.

We do not demand it, it is just understood that is what adults do. We communicate our plans with each other out of respect for each other. We do not want to worry about each other, so out of love and respect, we let each other know where we are and what we are doing.

There is a huge difference between a parent demanding a curfew for an adult child vs the adults in the house communicating with each other. IMHO, the first maintains a parent/child relationship with a parent reluctant to give up power and control over the now adult child, while the second is a healthy adult relationship.

I don't think an adult college student should have a curfew. However, there should be reasonable expectations of communication from the student about their plans and there should definitely be complete consideration for the sleeping members of the household.

As for those saying that the student doesn't magically turn an adult at 18, hopefully it isn't a sudden, magical transition. Hopefully, it was a long and well guided 18 year journey.

Maybe I am wrong, but I thought that was the goal of parenting, to have raised mature, responsible adults by the time they graduate from high school. If a parent is still thinking they need do-overs after the child arrives at adulthood, I would gently suggest parking the helicopter in the hanger and put more trust in yourself that you did an excellent job for 18 years in nurturing the child into an adult.

Quoting because this is really it in a nutshell. Not to say there are not bumps, bruises and fights but you want to come to a place of peace and respect.

Did I want my dd to drive home at 8pm for 3hrs with leftover ice on the highway last night? No. However, I have to put my blades in check and be confident that the roads were properly treated and not that bad as compared to her friend who left yesterday night in the ice storm and sat 12hrs on the highway. I would have impressed that she leave in the morning if I was her the other kids mom. However the other kids mom has an older son already graduated and she is bladeless.

 

[kiddo76]

Yes, I think you are wrong, being unreasonable and treating your daughter like a baby. As the majority of posters have said, you have two separate issues here. The curfew is NOT about respect for others, that is a control issue. The respect for the other members of the family is a separate issue that needs to be addressed.

Quoting for emphasis.

I feel so sorry for the OPs daughter. I can't imagine being a college student and telling my friends I need to be home at 10:00 for curfew. If they're not laughing to her face, I'm sure they're doing it behind her back.