Opinions on grown child's curfew...

[Kathi OD]

I agree with you that she's not being considerate when she makes noise in the middle of the night. But it's not considerate of you to impose a curfew on an adult. Along the "I just don't sleep well" lines, would you do the same to your DH? How about an adult roommate?

I'm not quite sure how it's inconsiderate of me to place a curfew on my child living in my house, when I'm paying their way. If they wanted to be out later than 1AM, all they had to do was let me know. I don't see where that is unreasonable.

As far as my DH...not that he ever has stayed out without letting me know where he is and how late he's going to be, or called me if he's going to be late, but yes, I would expect him to be considerate and tell me if he were going to be out late. I would extend the same courtesy to him.

I'd expect the same from an adult roommate. Someone who doesn't have the consideration to let you know that they'll be late, or not coming in at all is not someone I would want to live.

FWIW, my youngest child has been living at home since graduating from college. He is 24, almost 25 and has a full time job. He no longer has a curfew. However, he still lets me know what time he expects to be in. If he's going to be later, he sends me a text so I don't worry. DH and I extend the same courtesy to him. If I'm going to be late coming home from work, I send him a text. If his dad and I go out and are going to be late, we let him know. It's all about courtesy.

What if you end up living in her house someday? Are you still going to force her to be in at a specific time? Would you like it if she did the same to you?

If I end up living in one of my children's homes, of course I wouldn't force them to come in at a certain time. They are obviously paying their own way, unlike college students living in their parents' home. And again, I would expect everyone to inform each other when their plans would make them later than the norm, especially when that would take you into the wee hours of the morning or not home at all.

It's a regional thing whether there are places for an 18 year old that are open after midnight. I'm from New Orleans. One of my favorite clubs doesn't even OPEN until midnight, and 18 year olds can go inside, they just can't drink. A lot of clubs around the country are the same way. There's also midnight movies. Heck, I was director of a Rocky Horror Picture Show cast at 16. Not to mention blacklight bowling (we had 13 and 14 year olds in our midnight bowling group), house parties (which believe it or not, are not always designed around drinking or drugs), IHOP/Steak and Shake/Denny's... the list just goes on and on.

there are very few clubs around here that allow 18 yo's to enter. In fact, if they're serving alcohol, anyone under 21 is not allowed to enter. There are midnight movies and bowling. That is why my rule was 1AM unless I knew they were going to be later. I don't think that is unreasonable at all.

ITA. Courtesy runs both ways.

Of course it does. That's why I extend(ed) to my children the same courtesy I expected of them.

 

[LVSWL]

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

No, you aren't crazy. Your house, your rules. Consideration for others is a very important lesson for her to understand. Same goes for that "adult" in our house regarding laundry and cleaning. She may be on her own at college, but it probably is on your dime, and at home she is in your house and should be respectful of your concerns.

 

[Planogirl]

I went away to college and when I came home for the summer, after my first year away, I stayed out late-ish one night. (I said I'd be home by 11, but the movie we were watching ran long. I called at 10, spoke to my mom, and she said to finish the movie and come right home after-I got home around 11:30) Heck, I worked till 11 most nights anyway, and didn't get home till 11:15 or 11:30. My father imposed a 10 PM curfew on me the next day, for any days I wasn't working. I never lived at home again after that summer. I was 19 years old, had a 3.8 GPA in college, and a good summer job. I had never given them any reason NOT to trust me. I didn't make noise coming home, and it was ONCE that I came home late, even after calling. I thought it was completely unreasonable and only came home to visit after that summer. I never lived there again.

So, OP, I think that you are being unreasonable. My situation is slightly different from yours, but look at it from my perspective: I chose to live year round in a dorm room, eating Chef Boyardee during the summer because the cafeteria was closed, and working for minimum wage on campus than live in a house where I had a 10 PM curfew.

My situation was similar.

I wasn't in college yet but I was working full-time at night (long distance operator) and my mother tried to tell me when to be home. She wasn't interested in courtesy but just controlling my hours. I immediately moved out.

As for what a student could be doing late at night, when I went to college I sometimes studied all night. That was easier at school than at home.

 

[JLTraveling]

18 y.o. don't always make the best decisions. I am not talking the legalities here, but just because one day (their 18th Bday) they are now suddenly an adult? Here in MD even adults have 'graduated' rules regarding a driver's license. The don't just cut you 'loose' with a license just because you are 18, 21, 25 or even 45.... It's a progression of 'privileges' for 'good' choices (as in no moving violations for 18 mo)... Just proves there are ALWAYS rules, and not a free for all.

Of course there should be graduated rules leading up to full adulthood. But the time for those is during the 18 years leading up to that day. Why on earth would you wait to begin teaching a kid to be an adult until he was already one? You may not be talking about the legalities, but you can't discount them either. On the day of a child's 18th birthday, he or she has the perfect legal right to do what a friend did--stroll into your home, pack a bag, and walk away forever. On that day, if your child happens to make a bad choice, she will be arrested and placed in real, adult jail. Things fundamentally change on the child's 18th birthday, and it's your job as a parent to prepare the child for those changes, not wait till it occurs to start practicing.

because she is not paying her own way...their house, their rules...don't like it, move and pay your own way and you don't have to follow my rules.

A lot of posters are throwing that around--but I wonder how many are prepared to see it through? It was tough on my parents when I chose living on the streets. If you (general you) have trouble sleeping when your child is out with friends, will you be able to sleep easier knowing that he or she is sleeping behind the library and hasn't eaten or showered in a week? I would advise thinking through what will happen if your adult child takes you up on that before you use it as an ultimatum or control mechanism.

but I still agree with the previous poster who stated that there's not much good a 18 yo can be up to during the middle of the night. Where we live, unless they are at someone's house or Waffle house, there really isn't any place for them to be on a weeknight. I'm not saying that an ocassional late night isn't okay, but on a regular basis, I'd be wondering what they were up to if they weren't at someone's house. but that's just my .02.

Sometimes we just hung out in a park. Sometimes we drove around and talked. 18 year olds can find someplace to be, and if they can't then they'll go home. You just have to trust that they're making the right choices.

FWIW, my youngest child has been living at home since graduating from college. He is 24, almost 25 and has a full time job. He no longer has a curfew. However, he still lets me know what time he expects to be in. If he's going to be later, he sends me a text so I don't worry. DH and I extend the same courtesy to him. If I'm going to be late coming home from work, I send him a text. If his dad and I go out and are going to be late, we let him know. It's all about courtesy.

I absolutely, 100% agree with that. My dad and I live together now, traveling the world. We still let each other know where we'll be and a rough idea of when we'll be home. I'm just confused as to why you would give a curfew at 18 rather than simply treating the new adult as you do the 24 year old? To me, "curfew" implies parent-child roles that are no longer appropriate, while courtesy calls/texts imply a new, age-appropriate adult to adult dynamic. JMO.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...A lot of posters are throwing that around--but I wonder how many are prepared to see it through? It was tough on my parents when I chose living on the streets. If you (general you) have trouble sleeping when your child is out with friends, will you be able to sleep easier knowing that he or she is sleeping behind the library and hasn't eaten or showered in a week? I would advise thinking through what will happen if your adult child takes you up on that before you use it as an ultimatum or control mechanism...

Respectfully snipped -

This part of your post really speaks to me. Well said...

 

[indimom]

I had a curfew (when at home summers or weekends) the entire four years I was in college. Obviously, on campus, it was a whole nother story.

I never rebelled or was even bothered by having a curfew when in my parents' house. It was just how things worked. I never questioned it. If I needed a "later" curfew because of partiular plans, my parents were flexible. But, in general, they wanted me home by midnight (even when I was 22, working full time, and a month away from being married).

It probably helped that I knew the curfew wasn't a trust or respect issue. It was mainly imposed so that my mom could get some sleep. She was a worrier and trully couldn't sleep until everyone was home and the house was locked up for the night.

 

[Andtototoo]

h this, even if I don't like the opinions, it still is giving me a different view of the situation. This is my first adult child so I am new to this and yes, I still want to know what she is doing. She goes to a community college until she transfers to the university here, so no dorm for her, she is here until she wants to leave. We have a very close relationship so I am trying to keep it that way

The tighter you try to hold those strings to keep the relationship close, the more you are fraying those strings until one day they are going to break.

 

[castmemberb4]

I lived at home during college and did not have a curfew, it may have had something to do with me being the 5th child!
I do understand your problem here, she dosen't need an earlier curfew, just needs to learn courtesy towad the rest of the family.

 

[Hannathy]

The tighter you try to hold those strings to keep the relationship close, the more you are fraying those strings until one day they are going to break.

Please read this and really think about it, it is very true.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

Then make the rule that she needs to not wake you up.

 

[Jennasis]

I am not going to read any of the other responses....so here goes mine:

You are being completely unreasonable in your requests in their entirety. COMPLETELY. Simply request that she keep the noise down when she comes home and leave it at that.

 

[PixieDustandEeyore]

Im 22 and I live with my grandmother as a caregiver...and I always verify with her if I'm going out and promise not to be out late and such... but i never cause problems so no curfew is put down per say but I wouldn't mind because in all honesty its her roof her rules. I expect while being under someone else's roof to be under their rules. When im with my fiance i go by his rules (no rules hahaha) and thats how it goes. If I'm at my mom's im in bed by 10pm etc... just how I was raised I guess.

 

[Kathi OD]

I absolutely, 100% agree with that. My dad and I live together now, traveling the world. We still let each other know where we'll be and a rough idea of when we'll be home. I'm just confused as to why you would give a curfew at 18 rather than simply treating the new adult as you do the 24 year old? To me, "curfew" implies parent-child roles that are no longer appropriate, while courtesy calls/texts imply a new, age-appropriate adult to adult dynamic. JMO.

To be honest, just because the legal system says an 18 yo is an adult, that doesn't mean they are really ready to handle the responsibilities of being an adult. Heck, lots of 18 yos aren't out of high school yet. Even with the best parental guidance, I've met very, very few 18yos who are truly mature enough to handle the responsibilities of true adulthood. They may think they are, their parents may think they are, but the reality is they aren't. It's not like the adult fairy shows up on 18 birthdays and sprinkles maturity dust on people. My personal opinion, based on my experiences, is that 18-21 year olds need just as much guidance, if not more, than they did during their early teen years.

None of my kids had a problem with a 1AM curfew, especially given that it was, in reality, not set in stone. It was later than the curfew they had when they were 16 & 17. Be in by 1 unless you tell me differently.

 

[FireDancer]

Wow, yes you are being unreasonable! The day I graduated high school I no longer had any curfew and even in high school it was 11:00. I lived with my grandma and great grandma while I was in college and came and went as I pleased. I worked until 12:30 or 1:00am most of that time because I had a full time job through college and warmed up dinner when I came home. Of course I was also courteous and was as quiet as possible when doing so.

At 18 you can go get shot and die for your country and participate in choosing the leader of the free world. I think being able to hang out until the clock dings 10 is alright.

 

[natcat117]

I'm a 20 year-old college student and I don't think you're being unreasonable but maybe just a little strict. My curfew while living at home is still around 10:30 PM (but I call or text if I want to stay out a little later). I always grew up with the understanding that I'm living in my parents' house and it's their rules. Right now I share an apartment with my sister, so I have to follow her rules. That's just the way it is. I am fortunate enough that my parents are paying my college and my sister's paying the rent.

Like some previous posters stated, kids don't "magically" become adults at 18. We still need guidance. Of course, if the rules are too strict then most kids are bound to break them (but no, I've never rebelled or anything ). I think you just need to be honest with your daughter about why you want her home at a certain time.

 

[allison443]

Then make the rule that she needs to not wake you up.

I totally agree with this! The issue is being courteous by not making a lot of noise after a certain hour, not being home by a certain hour. It doesn't seem that the curfew is the issue, rather the issue is not waking other family members.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I totally agree with this! The issue is being courteous by not making a lot of noise after a certain hour, not being home by a certain hour. It doesn't seem that the curfew is the issue, rather the issue is not waking other family members.

Exactly.

 

[Green Tea]

I'm trying to decide if I am being unresonable here. My daughter (18)is a full time college student (who is done with the semester), she also works part time, mainly evenings til anywhere from 10-12. I currently have her have to be home during the week by 10 pm when she is not working, but like last night she comes in at 10 and proceeds to fix herself dinner (leftover). We have a fairly small house so of course with her banging around the kitchen she wakes people up. My husband and I both have early jobs, we get up by 5:15 everyday and I am out the door with my youngest by 6:30.

So I told my oldest that she needs to start coming home at 9:30 during the week because we have to get up so early. She of course got very upset and thinks I am treating her like a baby, but I'm telling her this is about respect for others. I did even say fine keep it at 10, but you better make sure you eat before you come home and she is still fuming. Am I wrong or what? I just would like some outside opinions from those of you with older children.

Thanks

wow. She is a college kid and you have a curfew? wow. My rule would be that since you get up early, when she comes in she needs to be very quite so as not to disturb you. That would be about it.

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

I guess I don't see a cufew as unreasonable, especially on weekdays. also like a PP stated their is no magic fairy that matures an 18yr on their birthday.

I had a curfew when I lived at home of about 9:00 till I turned 16, 11-12:00 till I moved out at 27. it bothered me a little and not to say I didn't break them but, without the stability my parents gave me at my late teen early twenties I might have turned out quite different.

something to think about, I never once got arrested BEFORE 8:00PM

as for being quite when she gets home this is a completely understandable request and should be discussed, but my dad would have simply woke me up at 5:00 when he gets up. a couple early mornings of this and I wouldn't be out to teribly late.

Paul

 

[mhsjax]

I am not at this stage in life yet, but I don't think I will have a curfew. I will expect them to tell me around what time they will be home and if late they better call. DH worked very late nights and he always called so I would know when to expect him and when to worry, more than one of his co workers wrapped themselves around a tree driving home late at night on a dark country road. I think it is a courtesy thing.