Opinions needed from divorced parents

[jazzielady]

I am in the process of planning to leave my husband. The whys, wherefores, and what happened are not part of this discussion. Suffice it to say that he has been verbally and emotionally abusive, and i have had enough.

What do I need to take care of ahead of time? I am planning to consult an atty., but thought I would also ask those who have been there before.

I have 2 daughters, 12 and 14. Their safety and well-being is my primary concern. I have an escape to someplace where he will never know where to find us. He has had episodes where he has flipped out on me and/or us, so we have that in case of emergency. The current plan is to leave during the day. while he is at work, I'll take the animals and pick the kids up at school. Date is yet to be determined.

I'm sure this is going to be a long-term difficult and emotional process. So that I am clear-headed when I see the atty., are there issues besides the following that I am not thinking of?

1. Custody: I will share custody under certain conditions I will not disclose.

2. House: I want the house and am in a position to buy him out. If I am the one to leave at first, do I then have a right to ask him to leave so I can live there and the girls continue in the same schools?

3. Pensions: Don't touch mine, I won't touch his

4. Bills: All bills split 50/50

5. Accounts: We have always maintained separate accts. and paid separate bills. He has some money in retirement accts. (separate from pension) that I feel would be fair to share.

Anything else? Many thanks in advance!

 

[rosebud4]

I would consult an attorney first. If you fear you or the children are in danger then a protection from abuse order would also be a good ideal. Depending on the stae you live in, the children may have a say in custody/visitation. I live in PA and children can state which parent they want to live with at the age of 12.

 

[jam217]

I also agree that you first need to see an attorney and begin the process. In my case, while we were still living together, I went to the attorney first and had all the paperwork filed. I believe the divorce papers were filed on a Thursday in the county courthouse. That Saturday, I presented him with everything and he then moved out. In your case, it wouldn't work to have you personally give him the papers.

Also, if his retirement is more than yours then you're entitled to a portion of that.

 

[clovergirl5]

I am in the process of planning to leave my husband. The whys, wherefores, and what happened are not part of this discussion. Suffice it to say that he has been verbally and emotionally abusive, and i have had enough.

What do I need to take care of ahead of time? I am planning to consult an atty., but thought I would also ask those who have been there before.

I have 2 daughters, 12 and 14. Their safety and well-being is my primary concern. I have an escape to someplace where he will never know where to find us. He has had episodes where he has flipped out on me and/or us, so we have that in case of emergency. The current plan is to leave during the day. while he is at work, I'll take the animals and pick the kids up at school. Date is yet to be determined.

I'm sure this is going to be a long-term difficult and emotional process. So that I am clear-headed when I see the atty., are there issues besides the following that I am not thinking of?

1. Custody: I will share custody under certain conditions I will not disclose.

2. House: I want the house and am in a position to buy him out. If I am the one to leave at first, do I then have a right to ask him to leave so I can live there and the girls continue in the same schools?

3. Pensions: Don't touch mine, I won't touch his

4. Bills: All bills split 50/50

5. Accounts: We have always maintained separate accts. and paid separate bills. He has some money in retirement accts. (separate from pension) that I feel would be fair to share.

Anything else? Many thanks in advance!

No advice, just wanted to offer support and give you a hug and best wishes for you and your dc. Im sorry you are going though this.

 

[christineann]

I'm not sure about the laws in your state, but by moving out I did not forfeit my rights to the house (my objective was to get a separation date by doing so). I did end up buying out the ex's share of the equity, but he owed so much $ in child support by the time the divorce was final that I didn't have to pay him anything.

If there are any concerns about the safety of your daughters, I would not share custody. My ex is an alcoholic, and his attorney brought up a request that we share custody, and I said that character issues would be discussed in court if he pursued it. Never heard another word about it. I would also recommend getting a guardian ad litem.

 

[mumom95]

I am not divorced so I don't have any first hand advice. But a friend of mine recently went through one. Her atty told her to not move out of the house because it would give him more of a right to it (I think she said the atty said it would be considered abandonment, but I'm not sure). So they both lived in the house until the divorce was final, then he had 30 days to move his stuff out. This may be an Ohio thing or maybe it's just what this atty suggests, I have no idea.

Good luck.

 

[jazzielady]

I would consult an attorney first. If you fear you or the children are in danger then a protection from abuse order would also be a good ideal. Depending on the stae you live in, the children may have a say in custody/visitation. I live in PA and children can state which parent they want to live with at the age of 12.

we too are in PA, and that's good to know, thanks.

 

[jazzielady]

No advice, just wanted to offer support and give you a hug and best wishes for you and your dc. Im sorry you are going though this.

Thank you!

 

[hello kitty]

Does he know that you post here? You might want to take your picture down and get rid of as much identifying information as possible. The "you know what" might really hit the fan if he finds out you're planning on leaving. Verbal can quickly turn to physical. Be careful.

 

[jazzielady]

Does he know that you post here? You might want to take your picture down and get rid of as much identifying information as possible. The "you know what" might really hit the fan if he finds out you're planning on leaving. Verbal can quickly turn to physical. Be careful.

As you can see, I am not a prolific poster, although I read quite a bit, so I am not overly concerned.

Still, it's not a bad idea, thank you!

 

[EdiePA]

Please, please, please consult with an attorney! I'm from PA, too, but really don't know the answers to your questions. When I went through my divorce, my sons were 16 and 18, the 18 y.o. did not figure in anything because he was 18 and graduated from high school. As my lawyer said, "The 16 year old will choose his custody with his feet."

My biggest advice is to know exactly how much money and where and document, document, document. Also, DO NOT listen to anyone else, but your lawyer. Everyone kept telling me that I legally couldn't change the locks on the door --- they were wrong!

Huge hugs to you and your family
Edie

PS -- I really do hope you'll get counseling for your children. It helped my sons a lot.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

My advice:

My ex was also very emotionally abusive and manipulative. I was afraid of him. He had threatened so many times that he would take my son from me, so I was willing to give the moon and stars, just to keep my son. I ended up settling for $20 a week child support, which I still receive to this day. Needless to say, that isn't enough!!!

Be brave... Don't hesitate to ask. Don't let him bully you. You CAN do this, and you deserve anything and everything that your lawyer recommends you ask for. Don't try to be the nice person, just to keep things smooth. You can smooth things out later.

Its harder then heck to be diplomatic, but you really need to watch what you say about him around the kids. It is still their dad, regardless. The girls are old enough that if you haven't already, you might try bouncing some things off of them, to get their opinion about you and he not being together anymore. I guess what I am trying to say is, you don't want this to come out of the blue. That being said, the girls are very perceptive, I'm sure, and I would imagine they sense how he is treating you and want the best for you!

Good luck...be strong...

 

[squirrlygirl]

I was in a similar position as you many years ago, except my child was a baby. I moved out while he was at work, thinking it would be easier and prevent any blow-ups. I wanted full custody because I didn't want that abusive man raising my child. I wanted half the savings even though I was the only one that had contributed to that account.

(I live in Michigan and the divorce was not in a mom-friendly county, so hopefully this won't happen for you)

1-he got the house because I had moved out. 2- he got joint custody because weight was given to him being "stable" since he still lived in the home. 3-he cleaned out the savings account about half an hour after he received the papers (in my case he was served by an officer) and I received nothing. 4-he didn't pay his half of the bills (his car and the house I had no right to) and my credit was ruined.

I also learned a big lesson in what abusive bullies do when you leave them--they use the courts to bully you. I really hope that doesn't turn out to be the case with you, but please be aware that it can happen! I've spent 13 years making decisions based on trying to keep the calm, only to finally recently realize that there will never be a calm.

If I were you, I'd consult an attorney first before doing anything. Consult several attorneys. Talk to a counselor at a women's shelter. And find some family and friends to help you through this.

I wish you the best.

 

[kellyg403]

I would definitely consult an attorney before you do anything..including moving out of the house unless you have to for emergancy reasons.

I can only tell you this. You will have to pick what you want the most and fight for it. The rest like the pension and bills..well you might find that it isn't so easy. It sounds great, you think you are being fair and then you get before the judge and find out he has other ideas. Then you spend years either spending more money trying to change things or you accept things as they are and find a way to live through it.

If you have any police reports or documentation that shows the abuse, get them in order. Get your financial information together. I am not sure how it will work in PA but joint custody with conditions might be a hard go without any documented proof there is an ongoing issue that he has not sought to rectify. Trust me when I tell you he can go into court, admit he is not so great say he is in counseling and your conditions will go out the WINDOW. You will then be placed in a position you can not change and be placed in a situation where you might lose custody or face jail for not doing what the court ordered.

Get an attorney first and foremost, open an account and start putting money in it. Get your documentation together. And figure out what you are NOT willing to negotiate and stick with it. There will be so many other things you will have to. I can tell you in most situations...money talks. If you have the means and are willing to do so the incentive will be money. These kinds of guys aren't in it for the family..they are in it for themselves in my experience. Anything financial will gain your freedom. So anything you can stand to lose that is material...you may have to throw in the pot.

Kelly

 

[jazzielady]

Please, please, please consult with an attorney! I'm from PA, too, but really don't know the answers to your questions. When I went through my divorce, my sons were 16 and 18, the 18 y.o. did not figure in anything because he was 18 and graduated from high school. As my lawyer said, "The 16 year old will choose his custody with his feet."

My biggest advice is to know exactly how much money and where and document, document, document. Also, DO NOT listen to anyone else, but your lawyer. Everyone kept telling me that I legally couldn't change the locks on the door --- they were wrong!

Huge hugs to you and your family
Edie

PS -- I really do hope you'll get counseling for your children. It helped my sons a lot.

Thanks for the advice. Will spend time this week making copies of documents i can find. Have numerous writings about various "episodes" he has gone through. Good to know about the locks. I was actually wondering about that!

thanks again

 

[claudia]

Do nothing until you consult with an attorney. The laws of your state will determine many of the things on your list and your attorney will advise you in the best course of action.

 

[jazzielady]

Just to let you know recent events. There was an occurance Wed. evening that precipitated us leaving Thursday afternoon. We went to a friend's house.

I finally convinced my husband to leave so that our girls can be in their own home in their own surroundings and go to school.

I offered to let him spend time with the girls yesterday afternoon and he declined. I'm not happy about that. If he is so concerned about them, why didn't he jump at the chance to do that?

So I wanted to post an update, since there have been discussions recently about trolls and op's who don't come back to provided updated information.

Forgot to add that I am hiring an attorney this afternoon, and requesting that papers be filed as quickly as possible.