opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[seven dwarfs]

I don't think there's any reason to believe Daughter #1 is greedy. If she feels entitled to her parent's money then that's pretty greedy, but otherwise I assume she's just accepting a gift that they are choosing to offer and there's nothing wrong with that.

Maybe prncess674's parents are choosing to punish her. It's certainly possible, and it wouldn't be very nice of them. But maybe they aren't. Maybe they would treat both children equally if they were in the same situation - maybe in their minds a condo is worthy of one gift and a house is worthy of a different one. I think that's a little odd, but it might seem perfectly logical to them. They might give her exactly what they gave the other child if she ever buys a house. I don't have a clue. But if it's unfair for them to pay for one child's wedding when the other might never have one, them I'm curious about what would be fair. (And I'm not saying you feel that way, but clearly prncess674 did.) Should they have written another check, equal to the amount they paid for the wedding, and handed it over with the understanding that they wouldn't pay for her wedding if she ended up getting married after all? If they gave the sibling a wedding gift, should they give the unmarried sibling the same amount at the same time in order to be equal, with the understanding that she wouldn't get a wedding present in the future? If they think a nice housewarming gift when you buy a house is $500, then do both kids get $500 when the first one buys a house, and nothing when the second one does? If a condo is worth $50, then do they each get $50 when one gets their condo and when the other gets theirs no one gets anything? I just don't think you can be sure one child is favored over the other unless you are comparing how they are treated in the same situation, and prncess674 hasn't been in many of the situations where her sibling has been given all these gifts, so she can't know yet if she's being treated unequally.

But aside from all that, what I was really responding to was the implication that kids are entitled to their parents' money, which I really disagree with. That's a completely separate issue from the possible inequality. Parents are entitled to completely squander all their money if they want to - they shouldn't feel like their children are there with their hands out, waiting for "their share". Maybe that's not how prncess674 feels, but it's the impression I got when she said it "ought to be" hers.

So do you think a parent should give to one child and not the other. And should that child who gets nothing say, well that's cool?

I am not sure if it is so much of "I deserve my parents money" as it is "why give to one and not to the other." If the parents are giving anything, should it be fair? Although I am speaking for princess674 so I may not be saying what she thinks.

I certainly don't think my kids deserve my money (nor do I think they would think they do) but if I were to give it to them it would be equally.

 

[prncess674]

Maybe prncess674's parents are choosing to punish her. It's certainly possible, and it wouldn't be very nice of them. But maybe they aren't. Maybe they would treat both children equally if they were in the same situation - maybe in their minds a condo is worthy of one gift and a house is worthy of a different one. I think that's a little odd, but it might seem perfectly logical to them. They might give her exactly what they gave the other child if she ever buys a house. I don't have a clue. But if it's unfair for them to pay for one child's wedding when the other might never have one, them I'm curious about what would be fair. (And I'm not saying you feel that way, but clearly prncess674 did.) Should they have written another check, equal to the amount they paid for the wedding, and handed it over with the understanding that they wouldn't pay for her wedding if she ended up getting married after all? If they gave the sibling a wedding gift, should they give the unmarried sibling the same amount at the same time in order to be equal, with the understanding that she wouldn't get a wedding present in the future? If they think a nice housewarming gift when you buy a house is $500, then do both kids get $500 when the first one buys a house, and nothing when the second one does? If a condo is worth $50, then do they each get $50 when one gets their condo and when the other gets theirs no one gets anything? I just don't think you can be sure one child is favored over the other unless you are comparing how they are treated in the same situation, and prncess674 hasn't been in many of the situations where her sibling has been given all these gifts, so she can't know yet if she's being treated unequally.

But aside from all that, what I was really responding to was the implication that kids are entitled to their parents' money, which I really disagree with. That's a completely separate issue from the possible inequality. Parents are entitled to completely squander all their money if they want to - they shouldn't feel like their children are there with their hands out, waiting for "their share". Maybe that's not how prncess674 feels, but it's the impression I got when she said it "ought to be" hers.

I am closer to 40 with no husband or kids in sight and it is unlikely that I will ever find out if they will reciprocate, but if I don't does that mean I am not deserving of my share of inherited family items such as sterling silver flatware. I host numerous dinner parties a year and a serious cook in my free time. My sister is a frozen pizza "cooker" yet she gets a complete set of fine china? I am being punished for not choosing the baby/husband track.

They don't have to leave me anything, but if they choose to play favoritism then I choose not to see them or spend my time with them. If they choose to give it all to sister's family then sister's family can take on all the responsibility.

In case anyone thinks I am a bad child, realize that I took my parents on an all expenses paid vacation to WDW in February of this year (airfare, deluxe hotels, TS every night and tickets) because a family friend (around my age) was taking her family to Disney and they asked ME to take them! They didn't want to spend the time with me, they wanted to spend the time with what I call TOD (The Other Daughter) and what they call their honorary grandchildren. I am expected to take on all the burdens but get none of the spoils. Well this daughter is taking back my time.

 

[Scurvy]

I am closer to 40 with no husband or kids in sight and it is unlikely that I will ever find out if they will reciprocate, but if I don't does that mean I am not deserving of my share of inherited family items such as sterling silver flatware. I host numerous dinner parties a year and a serious cook in my free time. My sister is a frozen pizza "cooker" yet she gets a complete set of fine china? I am being punished for not choosing the baby/husband track.

They don't have to leave me anything, but if they choose to play favoritism then I choose not to see them or spend my time with them. If they choose to give it all to sister's family then sister's family can take on all the responsibility.

In case anyone thinks I am a bad child, realize that I took my parents on an all expenses paid vacation to WDW in February of this year (airfare, deluxe hotels, TS every night and tickets) because a family friend (around my age) was taking her family to Disney and they asked ME to take them! They didn't want to spend the time with me, they wanted to spend the time with what I call TOD (The Other Daughter) and what they call their honorary grandchildren. I am expected to take on all the burdens but get none of the spoils. Well this daughter is taking back my time.

I'm sorry, I think I got the wrong impression from your other post. I definitely can understand why you would distance yourself from them.

 

[Dallas_Lady]

Upon reading more of this thread, if this were my family I wouldn't even want to spend Christmas with them, let alone be bothered with all the gift nonsense going on. This is just ridiculous.

 

[Scurvy]

So do you think a parent should give to one child and not the other. And should that child who gets nothing say, well that's cool?

I am not sure if it is so much of "I deserve my parents money" as it is "why give to one and not to the other." If the parents are giving anything, should it be fair? Although I am speaking for princess674 so I may not be saying what she thinks.

I certainly don't think my kids deserve my money (nor do I think they would think they do) but if I were to give it to them it would be equally.

No, of course I don't. But just as I don't think someone with two kids should give Susie a present on Bobby's birthday "just to be equal", I don't think that Daughter A should get money equal to that spent on Daughter B's wedding just to be equal. I don't think Daughter B should get a housewarming gift because Daughter A is buying a house. Sure, things might not end up fair - but that's how life works. Daughter A might never get married, and she'd end up missing out on that gift. But maybe Daughter A would focus on her schooling and get a graduation gift from her parents for each of her 5 degrees when Daughter B never even goes to college. Life isn't always fair or equal. I think treating the daughters differently in the same situation is wrong. Giving Daughter A a house and car when she marries and giving Daughter B a toaster when she gets married would be awful. But you can't force things to be equal when it comes to gifts given for milestone events, because people aren't all going to have the same milestones.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Upon reading more of this thread, if this were my family I wouldn't even want to spend Christmas with them, let alone be bothered with all the gift nonsense going on. This is just ridiculous.

Agree with you there. My tolerance level for this sort of shenanigans is zero.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No, of course I don't. But just as I don't think someone with two kids should give Susie a present on Bobby's birthday "just to be equal", I don't think that Daughter A should get money equal to that spent on Daughter B's wedding just to be equal. I don't think Daughter B should get a housewarming gift because Daughter A is buying a house. Sure, things might not end up fair - but that's how life works. Daughter A might never get married, and she'd end up missing out on that gift. But maybe Daughter A would focus on her schooling and get a graduation gift from her parents for each of her 5 degrees when Daughter B never even goes to college. Life isn't always fair or equal. I think treating the daughters differently in the same situation is wrong. Giving Daughter A a house and car when she marries and giving Daughter B a toaster when she gets married would be awful. But you can't force things to be equal when it comes to gifts given for milestone events, because people aren't all going to have the same milestones.

Agree.

I equate it to trying to live in a house of cards.

 

[Eeyore5]

I think you should do what you are comfortable with.

I am single with no kids. My brother is married with 3 kids. My parents spend the same amount per person - my brother, SIL, and kids each get a gift worth about the same as my gift. I am fine with that. I am thankful for the gift. And, I love seeing they joy on the kids faces when they open their gifts.

 

[punkin]

Upon reading more of this thread, if this were my family I wouldn't even want to spend Christmas with them, let alone be bothered with all the gift nonsense going on. This is just ridiculous.

Bingo. The mother is in the wrong, but it is her money. If I was the married daughter, I would be extremely busy whenever DM wants to exchange gifts.

 

[WDSearcher]

So do you think a parent should give to one child and not the other. And should that child who gets nothing say, well that's cool?

If I

1. wasn't close with my mom
2. have always felt mistreated
3. had a bunch of anxiety about this, and
4. saw that my kids were starting to notice

then yes. You betcha I would be perfectly fine without ever getting another penny of my mom's money because it clearly comes with massive strings attached.

I am not sure if it is so much of "I deserve my parents money" as it is "why give to one and not to the other." If the parents are giving anything, should it be fair?

Depends. If I had, say, one child who had done really really well for themselves and had an income in the six-figure range, was single, had no dependents, two homes, and had a nest egg the size of a small European country and one child who had struggled to find their calling and finally discovered that what made them happiest was to work in the non-profit sector and had a small retirement plan, not a lot of savings and was living very frugally in order to someday purchase a home of their own, then yeah ... I think I might find myself giving more to kid #2 than kid #1.

But hopefully I would have raised my kids in such a way that kid #1 would see the logic in my choice and totally understand why I wasn't dividing the pot equally.

In a case like the OP's, if I were D#2, I think that by this time in my life, I'd get that mom liked my sister better and just deal with it. If I got some $$ from mom, that's swell. If I didn't ... no big deal. It is what it is.

 

[Talking Hands]

This is our first year with one daughter having a family and the other not. We have decided that the adults including SIL will get the same amount in cash. The grandson may get spoiled. He is the only one and Nana's sweetie.

 

[klacey1]

In our family, we have 4 siblings, all married and with 1 to 2 children each. My parents allot $75 to each adult (8 total adults including in-laws). You can choose to take cash or a $75 gift. As a couple, we may choose to combine our money, now $150, for a larger gift or keep it separate. For the record, my DH wasn't happy the year I CHOSE to combine the money for new bedding for our bedroom. He really wanted his own Best Buy gift card. LOL Apparently new bedding was not on his personal Christmas wish list.
My parents allot $100 for each grandchild. Everyone is treated as an individual and not based upon how many are in your family.
This is personally how I would chose to do things. I like the idea of everyone being treated individually. In my (often crazy) mind, by giving each sister $500 I see the mom as giving gifts to her daughters but not giving anything to the SIL or her grandchildren. Now, just because that is how my mind sees it, does not make it correct, but is my thoughts nonetheless.

No, I agree with you. It's honestly just kind of weird. My grandmother gives $100 in GC's to each of her five children and $100 for each of their spouses (4/5 are married). Then, each grandchild (from the youngest, who's 13, to the oldest, my brother, who's 29) get $50 in cash. Presents for grandchildren are totally separate from gifts for her children. She would never tell her kids that they'd have to give up their presents in order for the grandkids to get presents. Also, the idea of spending $500 on one daughter is just silly. Why is there a need to make things "equal"--which they're not even, since one daughter ends up with $500 and the other with nothing. If the mom has $1000 to drop on her adult daughters, she should spent $100 on each and divide the rest between her SonIL and grandkids, IMHO.

 

[mom23boys]

I am trying to follow this but I am a little confused. Daughter #1 gets $500 spent on her at Christmas and Daughter #2 gets $500 spent on her 6 kids (no presents for the Mom or Dad) I got that. But is the $500 spent on Daughter #2's children spent evenly or is the money spent more on one or two grandchildren and a little amount on the others. If that is the case that is not fair.

My DM has 10 grandchildren she spends $100 on each of them. My married sibblings and I do not get presents but my single sister does. We do not mind at all. We like that she gets presents. We also buy a combined gift card each year for my single sister.

 

[RadioNate]

I think we need to remove the dollar amount.

The issue is that daughter 1 is getting a obviously expensive gift (flat screen TV, treadmill, whatever) while daughter 2 isn't getting anything and daughter 2's kids are getting run of the mill gifts (pjs, cheap toys, whatever.)

We can say all we want about 'the thought' and the spirit of Christmas and all that but the fact is seeing that year after year has got to make someone feel crappy.

I'm actually not about things always being totally equal all the time. However, blatant favoritism is pretty hurtful.

 

[prncess674]

I think we need to remove the dollar amount.

The issue is that daughter 1 is getting a obviously expensive gift (flat screen TV, treadmill, whatever) while daughter 2 isn't getting anything and daughter 2's kids are getting run of the mill gifts (pjs, cheap toys, whatever.)

We can say all we want about 'the thought' and the spirit of Christmas and all that but the fact is seeing that year after year has got to make someone feel crappy.

I'm actually not about things always being totally equal all the time. However, blatant favoritism is pretty hurtful.

How is this blatant favoritism? D2 decided to have a large family. Her family gets her share. Why should D1 be penalized for being unmarried and childless. Back to my original question to the OP. Does the whole brood of D2 each get a separate gift for grandma, or does the big brood buy one gift for grandma signed "snow white and dwarfs"

Each family (whether large or small) is being treated to the same. Why should the larger side of get more?

Why should D1 be penalized with less gifts because D2 decided to marry and procreate?

 

[JLTraveling]

I haven't read all the replies, but I'm surprised by all this comparison stuff being openly discussed by families. In our family, it is/was considered rude to even look at the amount in front of the giver, let alone broadcast it throughout the entire family! Those who give cash/check/gift card slip it inside a Christmas card. Protocol is to open the card in front of the giver, slip the money into a pocket without looking at it, and thank the giver profusely for his or her generosity. Later, you can look at it in private and cheer, grimace, mutter about someone being cheap or whatever your reaction may be. But in front of everyone? Never!

I'm not saying our way is inherently "right" or another way is "wrong," but it certainly does prevent this sort of situation from occurring! I have no idea how much anyone gets from anyone else, and I'm perfectly blissful in my ignorance. Meanwhile, most of the family gives actual gifts, that have a great deal of thought and love behind them. I don't make it my mission to research how much things cost, so once again I have no idea who got "more" or "less" than me.

I do think it's ridiculous to give by "family" though. Whatever presents we've exchanged, money or otherwise, have always been for the person. The only exception is that sometimes a married couple will get something they've said they need for the house. But otherwise, isn't each person an individual, with his or her own tastes and likes and desires? Why would you give to the "household" rather than the person, even if it's a cash gift?

 

[punkin]

"brood"? These are this woman's grandchildren, not a bunch of chickens.

 

[prncess674]

"brood"? These are this woman's grandchildren, not a bunch of chickens.

Call them whatever you choose. The question still remains does the OP buy an individual present from each grandchild to grandma or do they give one gift to grandma from the "snow white family." If they only give one gift why is it any different if grandma gives one gift to "snow white and family" where snow white can then determine how to split the money?

My guess is the OP buys one present for grandma, but yet expects grandma to buy individual gifts for each of the grandchildren, BIL and daughter...

 

[seven dwarfs]

Call them whatever you choose. The question still remains does the OP buy an individual present from each grandchild to grandma or do they give one gift to grandma from the "snow white family." If they only give one gift why is it any different if grandma gives one gift to "snow white and family" where snow white can then determine how to split the money?

My guess is the OP buys one present for grandma, but yet expects grandma to buy individual gifts for each of the grandchildren, BIL and daughter...

Your guess is wrong. The Grandma recieves many gifts and the gifts represent the amount spent on her daughter.

 

[seven dwarfs]

I think we need to remove the dollar amount.

The issue is that daughter 1 is getting a obviously expensive gift (flat screen TV, treadmill, whatever) while daughter 2 isn't getting anything and daughter 2's kids are getting run of the mill gifts (pjs, cheap toys, whatever.)

We can say all we want about 'the thought' and the spirit of Christmas and all that but the fact is seeing that year after year has got to make someone feel crappy.

I'm actually not about things always being totally equal all the time. However, blatant favoritism is pretty hurtful.

You seem to understand. And it isn't just a one expensive gift. One year daughter 1 can get a TV, I Pad, Tread Mill and other things. It's normally so much, several trips need to be taking to get it home. Not even sure if the money spent is even, just giving the benefit of the doubt.