opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[NHdisneylover]

Well, I am an only child, but I will tell you how it will work with DH;s family (based on past experience and a few talks with my mother in law on the phone):

There are 4 children. All are married. Two have 2 children, one has one child one has no children.

All four children will get cards with cash/check in them. It will be the same amount each--probably about $100. They will also all get a variety of smaller gifts; things my in laws have picked up over the year because they thought their kids would like them. Probably 3-5 each (some might be joint with spouses if it seemed like something both members of the couple would like and some will almost certainly be homemade and involve old photos). No one will count how many each person gets. No one will try to figure out how much was spent on each (and my in laws probably have no idea--they don't count that way).

Us in laws will also get cards with cash/check. It will be a smaller amount. Probably $50. We will also get a variety of little things picked just for us and again no one will count. My one sister in law would count if she were there, but she got mad when a summer vacation with 4 of the grandchildren resulted in there being more photos with the girls in them than her son (there were nearly 300 photos taken and she counted!) and had not spoken to my in laws since and will not come. Gifts will still be sent to her via her husband. Honestly she will likely only have 1-2 smaller thing plus the card with $$, not out of spite but because after three years of not speaking no one is all that sure of what she might like any more.

The grandkids will have 1-2 bigger things they would like and also several smaller one. The items are picked to be things the kids really want and will enjoy--no one ads up costs. They all 5 have vastly differing tastes and what matters is that the grandparents know them and know what they might like They will probably also get cards with about $25 in them.

Dh'd brother will bring his French exchange student. He will get some small gifts and a card with cash--just not the bigger things like the grandkids.

EVERYONE will get a stocking. They will be half stuffed when DMiL goes to bed. I will ill them the rest of the way and I and both of my husband's sisters will stuff DMiL's to overflowing.

The biggest most lavish gifts to the kids will probably come from the sister who has no kids. We always tell her she shouldn't do that--that it isn't fair that we have no kids to buy for for her and she shouldn't feel obligated. She always comes back with that she does not feel obligated--she adores her nieces an nephews and wants to spoil them and it is a gift to her to let her be the cool aunt.

It seems to work well--but part of it is no one is going in looking or the one and only FAIR way to celebrate--we area ll going in looking to have fun and show each other our love.

 

[seven dwarfs]

absolutely!

Here's an idea... Could you ask your mom for one big ticket item for the whole family? Depending on the ages of the kids, maybe while sis opens her new TV, all your kids together could be opening your family's new TV, or new Xbox with Kinect, or trampoline, swing set, or other item you can all enjoy together?

This is a great idea! This would help the kids to not be aware of what is going on. But, the mom has OCD and will not allow any suggestions. If list is given, she will purposely not buy from the list because she can. One time she asked if a certain gift would be good and was told no and bought it anyway. She asked, it's not like daughter said thanks but no thanks after the fact.

To be honest, I wish all the money given to both sisters would be donated to a worthy cause. That would be awesome, then no one would be hurt. It is sad that the Holiday meaning is changed with hurt feelings. How do you turn those feelings off?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...How do you turn those feelings off?

You can only change yourself.

 

[Scurvy]

I think there's nothing wrong with giving each family unit $500 and being done with it, if that's what the giver wants to do. But I wouldn't do it that way, because I would prefer to give gifts to each individual. If I wanted to be equal, I'd give the same amount to each type of person. So each daughter would get the same amount as the other. If there were sons-in-law, they would get amounts equal to one another. Each grandchild would get an amount equal to each other grandchild, regardless of who their parents were. I wouldn't give Bobby $100 because he was an only child and give Susie and Johnny $50 each because they are siblings.

 

[samshane]

My parents give each of the grandkids gifts - I have 3 kids, my sister has 1. Then she gives my sister and her DH and me and my DH checks that are the same amount (one check to each couple). She also gives each grandchild $100 - on top of the gift.

My parents are extremely generous; They have done this for years - even before my sister married (I married and had kids first). And she would give one check to my husband and I and one check to my sister for the same amount.

 

[seven dwarfs]

Well, I am an only child, but I will tell you how it will work with DH;s family (based on past experience and a few talks with my mother in law on the phone):

There are 4 children. All are married. Two have 2 children, one has one child one has no children.

All four children will get cards with cash/check in them. It will be the same amount each--probably about $100. They will also all get a variety of smaller gifts; things my in laws have picked up over the year because they thought their kids would like them. Probably 3-5 each (some might be joint with spouses if it seemed like something both members of the couple would like and some will almost certainly be homemade and involve old photos). No one will count how many each person gets. No one will try to figure out how much was spent on each (and my in laws probably have no idea--they don't count that way).

Us in laws will also get cards with cash/check. It will be a smaller amount. Probably $50. We will also get a variety of little things picked just for us and again no one will count. My one sister in law would count if she were there, but she got mad when a summer vacation with 4 of the grandchildren resulted in there being more photos with the girls in them than her son (there were nearly 300 photos taken and she counted!) and had not spoken to my in laws since and will not come. Gifts will still be sent to her via her husband. Honestly she will likely only have 1-2 smaller thing plus the card with $$, not out of spite but because after three years of not speaking no one is all that sure of what she might like any more.

The grandkids will have 1-2 bigger things they would like and also several smaller one. The items are picked to be things the kids really want and will enjoy--no one ads up costs. They all 5 have vastly differing tastes and what matters is that the grandparents know them and know what they might like They will probably also get cards with about $25 in them.

Dh'd brother will bring his French exchange student. He will get some small gifts and a card with cash--just not the bigger things like the grandkids.

EVERYONE will get a stocking. They will be half stuffed when DMiL goes to bed. I will ill them the rest of the way and I and both of my husband's sisters will stuff DMiL's to overflowing.

The biggest most lavish gifts to the kids will probably come from the sister who has no kids. We always tell her she shouldn't do that--that it isn't fair that we have no kids to buy for for her and she shouldn't feel obligated. She always comes back with that she does not feel obligated--she adores her nieces an nephews and wants to spoil them and it is a gift to her to let her be the cool aunt.

It seems to work well--but part of it is no one is going in looking or the one and only FAIR way to celebrate--we area ll going in looking to have fun and show each other our love.

But to me what you are describing here sounds fair. What you are describing her to me isn't like one kid is getting a TV one year, a diamond bracelet the next, a treadmill and on and on and everyone else gets say a bag of peanuts each year. It isn't that daughter 2 is saying hey she got 6 gifts and I only got 5. Or you spent $150 on her and only $130 on eight of us. It is the blatant lavish on one and not the others.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I am not sure really what side of the fence the OP is on.but mu opinion is the sister that decuded to have 6 kids has indeed 6 kids. that fact has zero to do with the sister that does not.
Now if the grandmother decided to divide her 1,000 budget by allocating 500 each sister. than thats up to her. its her money.
It is what it is. Now as far as gifts. I do think amounts should be equal. So everyone gets a 50 dollar gift. and the remainder goes into an envelope for the daughter exclusively. So dd 1 gets 450 quietly privately. Ddd 2 gets gifts for 8 people $400 and a 100 dollars in an envelope privately.

FIL and MIL do something similar. EACH family gets 2400.00 1200 in seperate envelopes to each spouse. than the kids get 50 each either gift or cash. All adults get the same whether they have one child, 2 or in my case 4.

I have one adult dd and 3 still at home. All get EXACTLY the same. dollar amount spent on them.
When dd gets married. She gets 250 hubby gets 50. When they have kids. each kid will get 50 deducted from the original 300. If she has more than the allotted money spend I will add 50 per person as needed.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

But to me what you are describing here sounds fair. What you are describing her to me isn't like one kid is getting a TV one year, a diamond bracelet the next, a treadmill and on and on and everyone else gets say a bag of peanuts each year. It isn't that daughter 2 is saying hey she got 6 gifts and I only got 5. Or you spent $150 on her and only $130 on eight of us. It is the blatant lavish on one and not the others.

If you have never told your mother how you feel about this, how could her behavior change? She is clearly oblivious (or worse).

 

[crashbb]

I am not sure really what side of the fence the OP is on.

Unless the OP happens to have a friend who also has six children and one sister (as the OP does), it is pretty obvious what side of the fence she is on.

 

[RadioNate]

This is a great idea! This would help the kids to not be aware of what is going on. But, the mom has OCD and will not allow any suggestions. If list is given, she will purposely not buy from the list because she can. One time she asked if a certain gift would be good and was told no and bought it anyway. She asked, it's not like daughter said thanks but no thanks after the fact.

To be honest, I wish all the money given to both sisters would be donated to a worthy cause. That would be awesome, then no one would be hurt. It is sad that the Holiday meaning is changed with hurt feelings. How do you turn those feelings off?

I wonder if this mother is related to my MIL. She is, for the most part, a nice person but the inequity between kids is glaringly obvious. She also refuses to buy off a list.

I remember the year my DH got a level and a book for Christmas while his sister got cashmere sweater and an iPod. It was the 1st Christmas iPods were out so they were $$$ and she didn't even know what it was.

Now that I really think about it, I think they do what this mother does. If they have $1000 to spend, they spend $500 on the single daughter and $500 on DH and the rest of us.

I never really noticed before but I think that is it.

It used to really bother me. It never bothered DH. I don't know what changed but it doesn't bother me any more. I do sometimes still notice but it no longer hurts my feelings. I think I just stopped caring.

 

[CajunDixie]

• Does the unmarried, childess daughter purchase gifts for her sister, BIL, neices and nephews?

• Does the married daughter purchase gifts for her sister? Does the unmarried sister get presents from the neices and nephews?

I ask because it helps put things in context. If, for example, the unmarried daughter purchases gifts for the married daughter's kids, plus the mom and dad, that's eight gifts. Even at $10 a piece, that's $80. If the married daughter and her family purchase a single gift for unmarried daughter, then it could easily come in at far less than $80. So in that case, unmarried daughter gets the $$$ benefit.

It doesn't put it in context it just confuses the issue more.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

That was tounge in cheek. I did/do assume what side op is on.

However like in the bad news bears never assume anything because it makes a *** of u and me!

 

[seven dwarfs]

I think daughter number 2 should "suck it up" ... yes. If she equates her mother's love with how much money she gets at Christmas, then there's a much larger issue here and it won't matter how much money she gets.

If daughter #1 decided to never get married and never have kids, that was her decision. If daughter #2 decided to get married and have six kids, that was her decision. Presumably, daughter #2 also receives gifts and love and acceptance from her husband and six kids while daughter #1 receives none of this.

Do the two daughters exchange gifts between them? Does daughter #1 get gifts from the neices / nephews? Does daughter #1 send gifts to daughter #2's kids?

I mean ... if we're looking at the money equation, you have to look at all of it.

Daughter 1, the aunt...gives the six kids nice Christmas gifts. She is wonderful to the kids at Christmas and treats all six fairly. (which is interesting given the situation) The kids love her and she is fair to them all. Daughter 2 and hubby and six kids also treat Daughter 1 very well at Christmas time. The aunt tells kids amount spent therefore it helps daughter 2with her budget.

This is interesting question though, because if the aunt gave to 5 kids well, and didn't give to one the same, this would be upsetting. But I guess that is a different situation all together.

Daughter 2 doesn't equate how much she gets at Christmas with Love. Just finds it strange and wonders what others do. If this is a norm or not.

 

[crashbb]

I'm sad that gift giving is so complicated in some families. In my extended family, we draw names and you buy for one person (whether you are single, a couple, or have kids).

With my immediate family, we just buy stuff for each other, without worrying about it being even. If I did the math, my dad probably spends more on my brother's family (brother, SIL, nephew) than on me (single). I probably spend more on my brother's family (give each of them a gift) than they spend on my (gift from them all). However, I've never done the math. I'm sure some years, my gift from my brother is worth more than the combined total of the gifts I give them. I've never heard them complain about it in those years.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Grandchildren are separate from children. If you spend $500 on one child you should spend $500 on another child. It should not matter if they are married or have kids or not.

 

[crashbb]

That was tounge in cheek. I did/do assume what side op is on.

However like in the bad news bears never assume anything because it makes a *** of u and me!

Sorry I wasn't sure.

I'm still wondering why the OP is keeping up the "daughter 1"/"daughter 2" charade

 

[Scurvy]

I will be the opposing side. I am single with no children and my sister is married with a kid. Since the time my sister got married and had a baby, what should be mine is slowly being chipped away. Parents have spent $$$ for a wedding and doing all the things for the baby. It is unlikely that I will ever be married or have children, so my sister gets these huge sums of money and inherited family heirlooms, yet because I am single I get bupkis. I am 36 so I am definitely an adult. I am college educated, hold a great job and support myself, so it isn't like I am some slacker ******* child.

Sister and BIL got wedding paid for and a full set of Noritake china (with serving pieces) for 8 and 8 place settings of sterling silver flaterware (think $50 a fork, not place setting such as silver plate) yet I still don't get mine unless I am married, otherwise I have to wait till the death of my parents to "maybe" inherit my share of the silver. Sister and BIL bought a house and they got a lavish dining set with matching china hutch as a house warming gift. I bought a condo on my own (a nice downtown condo valued at 3 times sister's house, so nothing slouchy!) and I was dismissed as just buying something temporary. I didn't even get a house warming card.

Since the parents now have grandkids they are contemplating leaving everything to the grandkids, ummm this sounds seriously unfair since I don't have any children, it basically means one side gets it all.

Having kids is a personal decision and just because you decide to have kids doesn't mean that I should get less because of it.

I used to allot $200 for sister for Christmas. Last year (before baby) Sister got $100 and BIL got a $100. Now this year since they have a baby, it is being divvied up: sister $50, BIL $50, baby $100 for college savings. Just because you add to your family doesn't mean you get more. It isn't like I am receiving three gifts from them. I receive one gift (usually ~$25) signed from sister, BIL and now the new baby.

Why do you feel that it should be yours?

 

[padams]

Sometimes life is just unfair. My advice is to try to forget about the gift situation. Move on, don't waste your time on it. Life is too precious. My MIL treats her kids and grandkids differently. Her DD is her favorite child and the DD's kids are her favorites grandkids. It's just the way it is. (Although as an only child, I am fanatical, as a result of observing MIL's favoritism, to treat my kids equally in terms of number of Christmas gifts and money spent).

My MIL is taking SIL's kids on the Disney cruise next week. They will also get presents on Christmas Day from MIL. The presents will be good stuff like ipods and checks for $3,000-$10,000. My kids will probably each get $50 or $100 in cash and some small gifts that she buys at thrift shops. I've taught my kids to be happy she gives them anything and to laugh about the situation. MIL sees no issues with what she does.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Why do you feel that it should be yours?

Why do you feel it's okay for parents to so openly treat their children differently? How many times on the boards do people call out other people who are taking one child to WDW but not another? If you have two kids you need to treat them the same, even if you prefer one over the other. My grandmother always had favorites from each family (granchildren), and we all knew it, but no one was ever treated any better or worse off than anyone else EVER. No matter whether you were the one who did the most or the least, she never treated any of us differently or spend more or less on any of us.

 

[seven dwarfs]

If you have never told your mother how you feel about this, how could her behavior change? She is clearly oblivious (or worse).

The Mom has been told other things in past and refuses to understand or see the other side. The Mom has been diagnosed with OCD (which after 15 yrs just now agrees with) and also emotional detachment which she denies. With the using the past as a guide, pretty sure nothing will change. Also, daughter 2 wasn't sure if her feelings were even legit or is she just allowing this to be another issue of pain. So by telling the Mom, it would change nothing and cause more stress to daughter 2. This has been going on for 10 years now, so nothing new. Daughter 2 has pulled away and starting therapy so some of these issues are coming up in her mind that she didn't even know were there.

Again, just feeling out other peoples traditions and how things work in their lives.