opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[luvsJack]

the mother should say "I am spending $1000 on Christmas. I have two daughters, 1 sil and 6 grandchildren. That comes to $125.00 per person." What is so hard about that?


I have two adult sons, both married, and one daughter at home (she is 12) and one grandchild. I decide how much I have to spend for Christmas and divide it accordingly. I do spend the most on dd though becasue she is still a child at home. So, for example I will spend $100 per adult child (4 total), $300 for dd and $150 or so for dgd (she is only 1).

 

[Scurvy]

Why do you feel it's okay for parents to so openly treat their children differently? How many times on the boards do people call out other people who are taking one child to WDW but not another? If you have two kids you need to treat them the same, even if you prefer one over the other. My grandmother always had favorites from each family (granchildren), and we all knew it, but no one was ever treated any better or worse off than anyone else EVER. No matter whether you were the one who did the most or the least, she never treated any of us differently or spend more or less on any of us.

I don't. If the parents threw a lavish wedding for one daughter and told the other she'd have to go to the courthouse, I'd think that was pretty crummy. If they bought a house for one and not the other, I wouldn't think that was very nice. I can undertand being hurt when your parents seem to favor someone else. But I can't understand feeling entitled to their money. I don't think anyone ought to feel that their parents' money ought to be theirs. It's the parents' money, to use however they choose to. And in this case, many of the things the poster is upset about don't necessarily mean she's not being treated equally. Maybe her parents would spend just as much on her wedding or on her kids if she ever has them. Her parents aren't just handing out money to be equal, though, they are using it to celebrate those things. And if the OP chooses never to have a wedding, then she shouldn't be upset that they aren't spending as much on hers because there wasn't one for them to spend the money on.

 

[punkin]

the mother should say "I am spending $1000 on Christmas. I have two daughters, 1 sil and 6 grandchildren. That comes to $125.00 per person." What is so hard about that?


I have two adult sons, both married, and one daughter at home (she is 12) and one grandchild. I decide how much I have to spend for Christmas and divide it accordingly. I do spend the most on dd though becasue she is still a child at home. So, for example I will spend $100 per adult child (4 total), $300 for dd and $150 or so for dgd (she is only 1).

I agree with you, but apparently other people have other opinions.

As far as fairness, I know in DH's family, there is subtle favoritism of some grandchildren over others. Now, My children mostly benefit from this since they are the favorites, but they notice and feel guilty about it. They love their cousins.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I don't. If the parents threw a lavish wedding for one daughter and told the other she'd have to go to the courthouse, I'd think that was pretty crummy. If they bought a house for one and not the other, I wouldn't think that was very nice. I can undertand being hurt when your parents seem to favor someone else. But I can't understand feeling entitled to their money. I don't think anyone ought to feel that their parents' money ought to be theirs. It's the parents' money, to use however they choose to. And in this case, many of the things the poster is upset about don't necessarily mean she's not being treated equally. Maybe her parents would spend just as much on her wedding or on her kids if she ever has them. Her parents aren't just handing out money to be equal, though, they are using it to celebrate those things. And if the OP chooses never to have a wedding, then she shouldn't be upset that they aren't spending as much on hers because there wasn't one for them to spend the money on.

So then you feel in OP's situation Daughter #1 is being greedy and inconsiderate because she is allowing the parents to spend the same on her as Daughter #2 and her entire family?

In the post above how do you reconcile the fact that the parents refused to buy their daughter a housewarming gift because they decided it wasn't a real house? Sounds to me like her parents are punishing her for not choosing the life they approve of, i.e. marriage, children, etc.

 

[NHdisneylover]

If daughter 2's issue is really that her kids think it is unfair that their aunt gets bigger gifts than they do (honestly I cannot imagine that my kids would care), can't she just decide from now on that they want to celebrate at her own home and they will stop by mom's at some other time (when sister is not there) to bring her her gift (and then accept any gifts from her too)? Then there is no comparison to see

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree with you, but apparently other people have other opinions.

As far as fairness, I know in DH's family, there is subtle favoritism of some grandchildren over others. Now, My children mostly benefit from this since they are the favorites, but they notice and feel guilty about it. They love their cousins.

That is very hard. I have the favourite of 5 and the least favourite of 5. It gets very interesting trying to balance--and truly I think most of the times it is totally unconscious on the part of my in laws--but all of us in the "parent" generation see it--and both of my kids do as well.

 

[seven dwarfs]

If daughter 2's issue is really that her kids think it is unfair that their aunt gets bigger gifts than they do (honestly I cannot imagine that my kids would care), can't she just decide from now on that they want to celebrate at her own home and they will stop by mom's at some other time (when sister is not there) to bring her her gift (and then accept any gifts from her too)? Then there is no comparison to see

This has been suggested and with the mom being OCD and wanting everything her way, this is causing major issues. The mom wants it at her house with everyone. I think kids at a younger age are certainly aware of who is getting what. If one kids gets a DS and the other kid gets a truck, of course they notice.

 

[luvsJack]

Is it at all possible that mom feels bad because daughter #1 (isn't that the one with no children?) doesn't have her own family and won't have other buying gifts for her?

I know my mom has sometimes bought for my brother and not for my sister and I because he is not married and she was afraid he wouldn't get other Christmas gifts. It has nothing to do with favoring one kid over the other, she can't afford to buy for all of us.


OP, if mom really just doesn't care about daughter #2's feelings, there isn't a lot that can be done about it. The only thing would be if dd could get her to just give the family the money and they could use it for a family item or even toward a trip or something.

 

[NHdisneylover]

This has been suggested and with the mom being OCD and wanting everything her way, this is causing major issues. The mom wants it at her house with everyone. I think kids at a younger age are certainly aware of who is getting what. If one kids gets a DS and the other kid gets a truck, of course they notice.

I wouldn't suggest it--I would just tell mom that is what is going to happen. along the lines of:
hey mom, DH and I have been talking and we really feel it is important that the children have some core family time and traditions in their own home. So, we are going to spend Christmas Eve and Day at out own house. I am sure you understand as you always made the best choices for sister and I as kids. We do have some gifts we want to bring by for you at another time. When is good?

Don't suggest to mom or ask mom just be an adult and tell her what you war going to do. If she whines and throws fit just keep calm and keep telling her you are sorry that she is hurt as that is not your intention, but you really feel this is better for your family. Repeat as needed.

 

[WDSearcher]

This has been suggested and with the mom being OCD and wanting everything her way, this is causing major issues. The mom wants it at her house with everyone.

Well sure. Mom wants it with everyone. But if daughter #2 says, "Sorry .... that's not what we want to do", what's the daughter afraid of? That mom will then cut off the money completely? Daughter #2 is a grown-up. She can't change how her mother behaves, she can only change how she reacts to her mother.

Considering that D#2 isn't close to her mother and bears obvious resentment, I can't imagine that it would be hard for her to tell her mom that she's not coming over. Or maybe have D#2 come without the family so that the kids don't have to see the disparity. If mom wants to know why the kids aren't there, D#2 simply says that as the kids get older they have all these other draws on their time and since mom can't be flexible on when the DD's are there, she had to come without the kids.

I think kids at a younger age are certainly aware of who is getting what. If one kids gets a DS and the other kid gets a truck, of course they notice.

I don't know that little kids understand how much things like jewelry and clothes cost. Unless the mom is actually giving D#1 a DS and D#2 a truck (which seems unlikely). And its not like D#2's kids have to compete for presents with D#1's kids, since D#1 has no kids. The kids may notice that their aunt gets more presents than their mom does, but whether or not the KIDS resent that will depend on how D#2 presents it to them.

It's pretty much entirely up to D#2 as to how this all goes down. She can decide exactly how to react to this. If she gets upset and resents it, her kids will grow up disliking their grandmother and looking at everything based on how much it cost and did the other guy's stuff cost the same or more or less. And somewhere along the line, when D#2 is giving presents to her own kids, those kids are going to start comparing gifts to be sure she's spending the exact same amount per kid.

If D#2 doesn't make a big deal about it, her kids will grow up thinking their grandmother is a strange old lady that they only see a couple of times a year. But they'll also learn to appreciate the gifts they are given -- both tangible and intangible.

 

[prncess674]

Let me get this straight- you are resentful that your parents are spending THEIR money the way they choose to (and it is THEIR money- not your future inhereitance).

Well yes they can do what they want with their money, but if they are going to show favoritism with money then I am going to distance myself. If sister's family get's 75% of the inheritance then they should do 75% percent of the caring and keeping of the parents.

The other thing that falls under the single shaft is sister always calls and asks if I want to go in on a present for Mom & Dad. I still pay HALF but am only 1 of the 4 names on the card.

My question to the OP is do you then buy a gift for your mother from each of the grandchildren of do you buy one gift from your "family" and sign it "snow white and the seven dwarfs." You want each of your members treated equal yet you probably give a single family gift to grandma in return.

 

[seven dwarfs]

Well sure. Mom wants it with everyone. But if daughter #2 says, "Sorry .... that's not what we want to do", what's the daughter afraid of? That mom will then cut off the money completely? Daughter #2 is a grown-up. She can't change how her mother behaves, she can only change how she reacts to her mother.

Considering that D#2 isn't close to her mother and bears obvious resentment, I can't imagine that it would be hard for her to tell her mom that she's not coming over. Or maybe have D#2 come without the family so that the kids don't have to see the disparity. If mom wants to know why the kids aren't there, D#2 simply says that as the kids get older they have all these other draws on their time and since mom can't be flexible on when the DD's are there, she had to come without the kids.


I don't know that little kids understand how much things like jewelry and clothes cost. Unless the mom is actually giving D#1 a DS and D#2 a truck (which seems unlikely). And its not like D#2's kids have to compete for presents with D#1's kids, since D#1 has no kids. The kids may notice that their aunt gets more presents than their mom does, but whether or not the KIDS resent that will depend on how D#2 presents it to them.

It's pretty much entirely up to D#2 as to how this all goes down. She can decide exactly how to react to this. If she gets upset and resents it, her kids will grow up disliking their grandmother and looking at everything based on how much it cost and did the other guy's stuff cost the same or more or less. And somewhere along the line, when D#2 is giving presents to her own kids, those kids are going to start comparing gifts to be sure she's spending the exact same amount per kid.

If D#2 doesn't make a big deal about it, her kids will grow up thinking their grandmother is a strange old lady that they only see a couple of times a year. But they'll also learn to appreciate the gifts they are given -- both tangible and intangible.

I think daughter 2 is affraid of the wrath of Mom. The mom being mean to her, not speaking to her for months on end and making Christmas unplesant as a pay back. This happens often. This is a huge control issue that daughter 2 needs to grow up and stop letting the control happen and hopes therapy will assist in this.

This has been going on for 10 years, daughter 2 has said nothing to kids ever. Last year it was brought up by kids and daughter 2 brushed it off. Since kids have brought it up, it has made it more on the radar of daughter2.

I agree with the fact that daughter 2 needs to figure out how to deal with these issues and how to handle it with the kids. Its just so hard to figure out how to do this and turn the pain off.

Daughter 2 wants to do the right thing.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

The Mom has been told other things in past and refuses to understand or see the other side. The Mom has been diagnosed with OCD (which after 15 yrs just now agrees with) and also emotional detachment which she denies. With the using the past as a guide, pretty sure nothing will change. Also, daughter 2 wasn't sure if her feelings were even legit or is she just allowing this to be another issue of pain. So by telling the Mom, it would change nothing and cause more stress to daughter 2. This has been going on for 10 years now, so nothing new. Daughter 2 has pulled away and starting therapy so some of these issues are coming up in her mind that she didn't even know were there.

Sounds like it is time for D2 to take a break from Mom for mental health reasons. I also believe that D2 needs to come to terms with the fact that this is not a reflection of anything that she is, or has done.

Again, just feeling out other peoples traditions and how things work in their lives.

Other people's traditions shouldn't effect how you fee about your situation. You know how you feel. Maybe you are looking for validation of your feelings, but that won't help.

It looks like you have plenty of people in your life that appreciate you for who you are. Don't sweat the fact that everyone can't/doesn't. It might hurt that one of those that doesn't is your mother, but if you understand that your mother is suffering from mental disorders, you should also understand that these disorders may be the cause of your relationship issues. But, whatever the cause, focus on what you have, not what you are missing.

 

[seven dwarfs]

Well sure. Mom wants it with everyone. But if daughter #2 says, "Sorry .... that's not what we want to do", what's the daughter afraid of? That mom will then cut off the money completely? Daughter #2 is a grown-up. She can't change how her mother behaves, she can only change how she reacts to her mother.

Considering that D#2 isn't close to her mother and bears obvious resentment, I can't imagine that it would be hard for her to tell her mom that she's not coming over. Or maybe have D#2 come without the family so that the kids don't have to see the disparity. If mom wants to know why the kids aren't there, D#2 simply says that as the kids get older they have all these other draws on their time and since mom can't be flexible on when the DD's are there, she had to come without the kids.


I don't know that little kids understand how much things like jewelry and clothes cost. Unless the mom is actually giving D#1 a DS and D#2 a truck (which seems unlikely). And its not like D#2's kids have to compete for presents with D#1's kids, since D#1 has no kids. The kids may notice that their aunt gets more presents than their mom does, but whether or not the KIDS resent that will depend on how D#2 presents it to them.

It's pretty much entirely up to D#2 as to how this all goes down. She can decide exactly how to react to this. If she gets upset and resents it, her kids will grow up disliking their grandmother and looking at everything based on how much it cost and did the other guy's stuff cost the same or more or less. And somewhere along the line, when D#2 is giving presents to her own kids, those kids are going to start comparing gifts to be sure she's spending the exact same amount per kid.

If D#2 doesn't make a big deal about it, her kids will grow up thinking their grandmother is a strange old lady that they only see a couple of times a year. But they'll also learn to appreciate the gifts they are given -- both tangible and intangible.

I think daughter 2 is afraid of the wrath of Mom. The mom being mean to her, not speaking to her for months on end and making Christmas unpleasant as a pay back. This happens often with other situations. This is a huge control issue that daughter 2 needs to grow up and stop letting the control happen and hopes therapy will assist in this.

This has been going on for 10 years, daughter 2 has said nothing to kids ever. Last year it was brought up by kids and daughter 2 brushed it off. Since kids have brought it up, it has made it more on the radar of daughter2. The kids have never compared their gift they get from their aunt. I am sure she doesn't spend exact to the penny but it is obviously fair. They don't go around making a big deal about other things in comparison but I think this is so blatant, everyone notices.

I agree with the fact that daughter 2 needs to figure out how to deal with these issues and how to handle it with the kids. Its just so hard to figure out how to do this and turn the pain off.

Daughter 2 wants to do the right thing.

 

[seven dwarfs]

I wouldn't suggest it--I would just tell mom that is what is going to happen. along the lines of:
hey mom, DH and I have been talking and we really feel it is important that the children have some core family time and traditions in their own home. So, we are going to spend Christmas Eve and Day at out own house. I am sure you understand as you always made the best choices for sister and I as kids. We do have some gifts we want to bring by for you at another time. When is good?

Don't suggest to mom or ask mom just be an adult and tell her what you war going to do. If she whines and throws fit just keep calm and keep telling her you are sorry that she is hurt as that is not your intention, but you really feel this is better for your family. Repeat as needed.

This is a good idea. It is just that the Mom will make the daughters life miserable but to be honest, It's like that anyway. How sad is that. I guess it is about daughter 2 taking control.

 

[merekc]

.

 

[lovemygoofy]

This is a good idea. It is just that the Mom will make the daughters life miserable but to be honest, It's like that anyway. How sad is that. I guess it is about daughter 2 taking control.

I'm confused how you fit into this situation but I'd be damned if I let anyone even my mom continue to make me miserable. What's the point? It's not like this is the Leave it to Beaver family or even the Simpson family.

If the daughter wants to be a grown up and control over herself, then she needs to tell the mom to leave them alone. The daughter continues to be miserable because she allows her mother to make her that way.

All I know is that the mother and single sister would hate my husband's family. His father is one of 9 children and my husband is the oldest of 31 grandchildren. His grandparents have us on a sliding scale

Personally, if I heard ANYONE squabbling about value of presents or cash, I'd be done and there wouldn't be anything to squabble about.

 

[Scurvy]

So then you feel in OP's situation Daughter #1 is being greedy and inconsiderate because she is allowing the parents to spend the same on her as Daughter #2 and her entire family?

In the post above how do you reconcile the fact that the parents refused to buy their daughter a housewarming gift because they decided it wasn't a real house? Sounds to me like her parents are punishing her for not choosing the life they approve of, i.e. marriage, children, etc.

I don't think there's any reason to believe Daughter #1 is greedy. If she feels entitled to her parent's money then that's pretty greedy, but otherwise I assume she's just accepting a gift that they are choosing to offer and there's nothing wrong with that.

Maybe prncess674's parents are choosing to punish her. It's certainly possible, and it wouldn't be very nice of them. But maybe they aren't. Maybe they would treat both children equally if they were in the same situation - maybe in their minds a condo is worthy of one gift and a house is worthy of a different one. I think that's a little odd, but it might seem perfectly logical to them. They might give her exactly what they gave the other child if she ever buys a house. I don't have a clue. But if it's unfair for them to pay for one child's wedding when the other might never have one, them I'm curious about what would be fair. (And I'm not saying you feel that way, but clearly prncess674 did.) Should they have written another check, equal to the amount they paid for the wedding, and handed it over with the understanding that they wouldn't pay for her wedding if she ended up getting married after all? If they gave the sibling a wedding gift, should they give the unmarried sibling the same amount at the same time in order to be equal, with the understanding that she wouldn't get a wedding present in the future? If they think a nice housewarming gift when you buy a house is $500, then do both kids get $500 when the first one buys a house, and nothing when the second one does? If a condo is worth $50, then do they each get $50 when one gets their condo and when the other gets theirs no one gets anything? I just don't think you can be sure one child is favored over the other unless you are comparing how they are treated in the same situation, and prncess674 hasn't been in many of the situations where her sibling has been given all these gifts, so she can't know yet if she's being treated unequally.

But aside from all that, what I was really responding to was the implication that kids are entitled to their parents' money, which I really disagree with. That's a completely separate issue from the possible inequality. Parents are entitled to completely squander all their money if they want to - they shouldn't feel like their children are there with their hands out, waiting for "their share". Maybe that's not how prncess674 feels, but it's the impression I got when she said it "ought to be" hers.

 

[seven dwarfs]

Sounds like it is time for D2 to take a break from Mom for mental health reasons. I also believe that D2 needs to come to terms with the fact that this is not a reflection of anything that she is, or has done.
Other people's traditions shouldn't effect how you fee about your situation. You know how you feel. Maybe you are looking for validation of your feelings, but that won't help.

It looks like you have plenty of people in your life that appreciate you for who you are. Don't sweat the fact that everyone can't/doesn't. It might hurt that one of those that doesn't is your mother, but if you understand that your mother is suffering from mental disorders, you should also understand that these disorders may be the cause of your relationship issues. But, whatever the cause, focus on what you have, not what you are missing.

Wow! You are good?! This sounds perfect. Just hope daughter 2 can move on and do this. Really that's all daughter 2 wants. I think daughter 2 has always blamed herself and wondered what was wrong with her. Recently she has people in her life that are helping her see she is not crazy. I guess she is just working through all these emotions and after thinking for years and years something was wrong with her, Is struggling with the fact the there isn't.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

So to receive a gift isn't blessing to you?

Please don't think I am picking on you, I am really curious in the thought of those that may not agree with my thoughts and would like to see both sides of the situation.

Also, there is more to this as you suggested in your earlier post because the mom and daughter 1 are very very close and the mom and daughter 2 have never bonded. (the mom says she just could never connect to daughter 2)

So is it an extension of that pain which turns into a jealous at Christmas time? Or is it a legitimate feeling?

So far, I've only read up to this comment and a bell went off. This sounds like mom's excuse for lavishing single daughter #1. She's closer to daughter #1 and just can't help piling on the gifts. Mom has to figure out some "logic" to cheaping out on married-with-children-but-not-as-close daughter #2. AHA! I'll make her split the gifts!!

Would mom have done/will she do the same if/when daughter #1 marries and has kids? Will HER family have to split the $500 on gifts or will mom's budget suddenly expand?

You may want to try to talk about this with your mom before the resentment builds to a point where you won't be able to talk about this. Mom is showing her favoritism and the grands are now old enough to notice!