opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[diznygirl]

Yeah, I think the only think bothering me in this whole scenario is that the grandchildren are getting ignored by their grandmother.

The two sisters I'm not even going to comment on.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yeah, I think the only think bothering me in this whole scenario is that the grandchildren are getting ignored by their grandmother.

The two sisters I'm not even going to comment on.

Yes, again, THIS!!!!

 

[Bren's Mom]

Gifts shouldn't be purchased based on their cost or who is getting what.

But for sake of the argument, if mom has $1000 to give away and wants to be equitable, she can choose an amount to give to each daughter, say $250 each. And then split the remaining $500 between her 4 grandchildren. If the woman with no kids has a problem with that, then that's HER problem.

I'm quoting myself here...the more I think about this the more I'm thinking that, yes, mom could choose to equitably distribute the money the way I posted above...but it's not ridiculous either for her to decide she has 2 children and wants to equally divide a certain amount of money between those 2 children...and let THEM decide what to do with their money.

Op, since you have 6 kids this one is fairly easy to figure out. If it IS you who is 'getting the shaft' in your mind, I think you just need to realize that your MOM gets to decide. If she's giving half her budget to you and half to your sister...that IS equitable perhaps in her mind. And if $500 per dd is the real amount, that allows for more than $50 per person including the 2 adults. That's very generous. I'd just count your blessings.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Nothing has any value except that which we place on it.

What???

Like money doesn't have a value stamped/printed right on it.

I will now refrain from any further comment.

 

[disykat]

It seems really odd to me that a mother would do this.

$500 is a very generous budget for eight people, why did d#2 say "give only to the kids so you can spend more on them." That seems strange. (I'm guessing it was done so the kids would have more gifts to open while d#1 was opening her presents?)

However, it seems even stranger that a parent would lavish one person with multiple gifts, while giving others considerably less and some none.

The way the OP phrased this, this is not a matter of a check in an envelope. This is in actual wrapped gifts. So everyone sits around the tree and watches one person open a bunch of gifts.

I have kids and my siblings don't. It wouldn't bother me if my parents gave my siblings more gifts than me because of this, or spent it according to "family groups." However I would be really angry if they made a point of doing it in front of my kids. I would not attend the celebration if my kids had to watch. IMO, it's like telling kids that they love the aunt more because, unlike their own family, the love doesn't have to be divided. They could feel like they took the grandparent's love away from their mom by being born.

I don't like the message that sends.

It sounds like family gift opening shouldn't be happening in this family. It should be kept private since there are obvious differences in the giving.

 

[allison443]

The first daughter gets $500 worth of gifts and the 2nd daughter and her husband and her six kids get $500 total worth of gifts. Which means the mom and dad get nothing (their choice) so the kids have more money for themselves. I hope this makes it more clear.

It isn't that both girls get same amount spent on them and then the kids get something in addition too.

Does the mom purchase gifts from a list given by the dds? How does she know to spend all the $500 on the six kids and not on second dd and her husband-I guess the dd tells her? Then do they all get together on Christmas and open the gifts together?

I wouldn't do this, but really it is up to the mom how she wishes to spend her money. Let me guess, you are dd number 2 with the six kids.

 

[WDSearcher]

So you think daughter number 2 should suck it up?? How do you not let it hurt your feelings to watch one person get so much and the other to have nothing?

I think daughter number 2 should "suck it up" ... yes. If she equates her mother's love with how much money she gets at Christmas, then there's a much larger issue here and it won't matter how much money she gets.

If daughter #1 decided to never get married and never have kids, that was her decision. If daughter #2 decided to get married and have six kids, that was her decision. Presumably, daughter #2 also receives gifts and love and acceptance from her husband and six kids while daughter #1 receives none of this.

Do the two daughters exchange gifts between them? Does daughter #1 get gifts from the neices / nephews? Does daughter #1 send gifts to daughter #2's kids?

I mean ... if we're looking at the money equation, you have to look at all of it.

 

[kirstenb1]

Ugh, what a mess. I think the mom is trying to be fair in a black-and-white, accounting sort of way.

I really like the Pp's who suggested the "per person" rather than per daughter.

We get no $$ or gifts as adults from my parents. They give gifts only to grandkids (due to a limited budget, they aren't being mean, and we get that)

 

[RadioNate]

IMO, Daughter 2 is wrong and selfish to feel this way. She and her sister are getting gifts of equal value; she can't consider her niece/nephew/brother in law gifts into the equation.

So it is selfish to feel sad when your sister gets $500 worth of stuff and you get nothing? A nothing you chose to get so your kids could get something?

How about this -

1st daughter - gifts purchased with love

2nd daughter - gifts purchased with love
Husband - gifts purchased with love
Child 1 - gifts purchased with love
Child 2 - gifts purchased with love
Child 3 - gifts purchased with love
Child 4 - gifts purchased with love
Child 5 - gifts purchased with love
Child 6 - gifts purchased with love

Plenty of love - isn't that what it is all about?

See I see
1st Daughter - $500 worth of "love"
2nd Daughter - nothing
Husband - nothing
Child 1 - $83 worth of "love"
Child 2 - $83 worth of "love"
Child 3 - $83 worth of "love"
Child 4 - $83 worth of "love"
Child 5 - $83 worth of "love"
Child 6 - $83 worth of "love"

Hardly fair and I can see why Daughter 2 feels resentful. No it isn't about money but when one person has a significant about more it isn't hard to equate the amount with love.

In my family the $1000 budget would be divided 9 ways, give or take. I can see maybe doing $100 each for the 2nd Daughter and her family ($800) and $200 for Daughter 1 but right now the difference just screams of favoritism.

 

[Bren's Mom]

1st Daughter - $500 worth of "love"
2nd Daughter - nothing
Husband - nothing
Child 1 - $83 worth of "love"
Child 2 - $83 worth of "love"
Child 3 - $83 worth of "love"
Child 4 - $83 worth of "love"
Child 5 - $83 worth of "love"
Child 6 - $83 worth of "love"

Yes, but you can look at it as:

1st Daughter and family: $500 worth of love
2nd Daughter and family: $500 worth of love

It's all in how you choose to view it.

 

[prncess674]

I will be the opposing side. I am single with no children and my sister is married with a kid. Since the time my sister got married and had a baby, what should be mine is slowly being chipped away. Parents have spent $$$ for a wedding and doing all the things for the baby. It is unlikely that I will ever be married or have children, so my sister gets these huge sums of money and inherited family heirlooms, yet because I am single I get bupkis. I am 36 so I am definitely an adult. I am college educated, hold a great job and support myself, so it isn't like I am some slacker ******* child.

Sister and BIL got wedding paid for and a full set of Noritake china (with serving pieces) for 8 and 8 place settings of sterling silver flaterware (think $50 a fork, not place setting such as silver plate) yet I still don't get mine unless I am married, otherwise I have to wait till the death of my parents to "maybe" inherit my share of the silver. Sister and BIL bought a house and they got a lavish dining set with matching china hutch as a house warming gift. I bought a condo on my own (a nice downtown condo valued at 3 times sister's house, so nothing slouchy!) and I was dismissed as just buying something temporary. I didn't even get a house warming card.

Since the parents now have grandkids they are contemplating leaving everything to the grandkids, ummm this sounds seriously unfair since I don't have any children, it basically means one side gets it all.

Having kids is a personal decision and just because you decide to have kids doesn't mean that I should get less because of it.

I used to allot $200 for sister for Christmas. Last year (before baby) Sister got $100 and BIL got a $100. Now this year since they have a baby, it is being divvied up: sister $50, BIL $50, baby $100 for college savings. Just because you add to your family doesn't mean you get more. It isn't like I am receiving three gifts from them. I receive one gift (usually ~$25) signed from sister, BIL and now the new baby.

 

[Christine]

It seems like this topic has been beaten to death already but I'll still add my thoughts.

There are two ways that people give to their grown children and their families. Either by individual or by "family unit" no matter the size of their family unit.

My inlaws give per person. My father in law gives $100 per person. In my family that equates to $400. My BIL's family gets $500. My other BIL's family gets $600. So, in a roundabout way, one family gets more money from the parent than the other families.

I've also known people who give a set amount. They have 3 grown children, each with families, and that "family unit" gets $500, whether they have one child or three children. My grandmother used to do this and it drove my aunts and uncles nuts because our "family unit" had one child (me) and they then felt that I was being spoiled by my grandmother. My grandmother felt she was being fair by giving each family a set amount to do what they wanted with.

I don't think either way is wrong.

This sort of reminds me of the vacation beach house discussions we had earlier in the year. Do you split the cost of the house per person or per family and should a larger family pay more. People seemed to be divided on that issue also.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Why should it bug you that you have made choices that your brother has not?
You chose to have children and he chose not to.
Why should your brother get less than you?
Is he less than you?
Should your present be better because you are fecund?
What if he had 13 children and your mother said: Well he is better at procreating so I give him all the Christmas money?

It would have nothing to do with ability to procreate. It's about the number of people in the giver's family. I find it odd that the mother doesn't seem to accept her son-in-law and grandchildren into her family as whole members.

In dh's and my families, when someone gets married or a child is born, it's adding another person to the family (the whole extended family, not just the immediate family of the blood relative). All of us sons and daughters in law get comparable gifts from the ILs as the original kids. Alll grandchildren get comparable gifts whether there are one or six in an immediate family.

Dh and I give $25 gift cards to each niece/nephew. Now that one is married and another has a long-time live-in girlfriend, the spouse and girlfriend get $25 gift cards, too. Because we love them and consider them part of the family. As they have kids, those kids also become full family members and are given gifts because they are loved as well. To think that one daughter's family members aren't as important or worthy of a gift just because there are more of them makes no sense to me at all.

I do see inheritence differently, though. Maybe because it's a one-time deal, and who knows how many grandchildren or great grandchildren there will be in the future.

In any event, people have different perceptions of fairness, and the mother probably thinks she's being fair by excluding dd #2's husband and kids. Although I can completely understand the hurt feelings of daughter #2, it's best to tell yourself that mom thinks she's being fair, and let it go.

 

[seven dwarfs]

I hope I can answer some of the questions that you guys have posted. I am not really sure about the exact amount that is spent to be honest. I know that the Mom says she spends equal amounts on each what ever that amount is. I used the example of $500 to try to make my question clear which I guess I failed at.

daughter #1 = $$

daughter #2
plus 6 kids and hubby =$$(same amount shared between them)

The gifts are open at the same time. So yes, everyone sees what everyone gets.

Yes daughter number 2 and hubby have given up their present so the children can have a little more money spent on their gift. That really isn't the problem though. They would probably give up their gift even if the money was divided per person. It isn't so much about daughter #2 wanting her gift. It is the grandkids getting older and seeing it too.

The mom has never been told by daughter #2 how she feels and she never will.

It is kinda like daughter # 1 getting a new flat screen tv, and then daughter # 2, kids, and hubby getting a new pair of PJ's. And yes, opened together. It isn't that daughter 2 says hey you bought this item on sale and so you owe me $5.00. It isn't anything like that at all.

There is more to this situation as far as issues with the mom and daughter # 2 which may complicate the emotions of it all. Daughter 2 has been treated unfairly for a lifetime and has now choosen to distant herself. But daughter 2 wants to make sure she is not being unresonable either.

Daughter 1 would never say anything since she is the one who benefits.

So I was just curious to get other peoples reaction. Although I guess it's fair to say that until you experience this situation it may be hard to know how your feelings would be.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

This sort of reminds me of the vacation beach house discussions we had earlier in the year. Do you split the cost of the house per person or per family and should a larger family pay more. People seemed to be divided on that issue also.

LOL! I was just thinking the same thing. We are a "give gift by person" family, as well as a "pay by person for vacation rental" family.

I hope that the mother in the OP is a "pay by family for vacation rental" person.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

.There is more to this situation as far as issues with the mom and daughter # 2 which may complicate the emotions of it all. Daughter 2 has been treated unfairly for a lifetime and has now choosen to distant herself...

This isn't about Christmas, but you are using Christmas as an example of how you feel you have been treated unfairly throughout your life. I am sorry that you feel that way.

IMO, you need to stop worrying about equity and just enjoy whatever your mother has to offer YOU. She will be gone before you know it, and you will be surprised how much you miss her when she is.

 

[jen0610]

If people are keeping track, even subconsciously, they have already missed the whole point of Christmas. The problem here has nothing to do with money.

While you are correct, that money/number of gifts is not the point of Christmas, if I were the single sister and I was sitting there surrounded by 10-20 gifts, while my sister, BIL, neices/nephews were sitting with with 0-10, I would be humiliated.

I would perfer that if mom felt the need to give me gifts to the budget of $500.00, she only give me a small number of them while the other family was around. The remainder, could be given to me while it is just the two of us. Maybe it is just me, but I would hate to sit there opening gift after gift, while some had none or only a few.

 

[Mermaid02]

I will be the opposing side. I am single with no children and my sister is married with a kid. Since the time my sister got married and had a baby, what should be mine is slowly being chipped away. Parents have spent $$$ for a wedding and doing all the things for the baby. It is unlikely that I will ever be married or have children, so my sister gets these huge sums of money and inherited family heirlooms, yet because I am single I get bupkis. I am 36 so I am definitely an adult. I am college educated, hold a great job and support myself, so it isn't like I am some slacker ******* child.

Sister and BIL got wedding paid for and a full set of Noritake china (with serving pieces) for 8 and 8 place settings of sterling silver flaterware (think $50 a fork, not place setting such as silver plate) yet I still don't get mine unless I am married, otherwise I have to wait till the death of my parents to "maybe" inherit my share of the silver. Sister and BIL bought a house and they got a lavish dining set with matching china hutch as a house warming gift. I bought a condo on my own (a nice downtown condo valued at 3 times sister's house, so nothing slouchy!) and I was dismissed as just buying something temporary. I didn't even get a house warming card.

Since the parents now have grandkids they are contemplating leaving everything to the grandkids, ummm this sounds seriously unfair since I don't have any children, it basically means one side gets it all.

Having kids is a personal decision and just because you decide to have kids doesn't mean that I should get less because of it.

I used to allot $200 for sister for Christmas. Last year (before baby) Sister got $100 and BIL got a $100. Now this year since they have a baby, it is being divvied up: sister $50, BIL $50, baby $100 for college savings. Just because you add to your family doesn't mean you get more. It isn't like I am receiving three gifts from them. I receive one gift (usually ~$25) signed from sister, BIL and now the new baby.

Let me get this straight- you are resentful that your parents are spending THEIR money the way they choose to (and it is THEIR money- not your future inhereitance).

 

[Mrs.Toad]

While you are correct, that money/number of gifts is not the point of Christmas, if I were the single sister and I was sitting there surrounded by 10-20 gifts, while my sister, BIL, neices/nephews were sitting with with 0-10, I would be humiliated.

I would perfer that if mom felt the need to give me gifts to the budget of $500.00, she only give me a small number of them while the other family was around. The remainder, could be given to me while it is just the two of us. Maybe it is just me, but I would hate to sit there opening gift after gift, while some had none or only a few.

absolutely!

It is kinda like daughter # 1 getting a new flat screen tv, and then daughter # 2, kids, and hubby getting a new pair of PJ's. And yes, opened together.

Here's an idea... Could you ask your mom for one big ticket item for the whole family? Depending on the ages of the kids, maybe while sis opens her new TV, all your kids together could be opening your family's new TV, or new Xbox with Kinect, or trampoline, swing set, or other item you can all enjoy together?

 

[WDSearcher]

It is kinda like daughter # 1 getting a new flat screen tv, and then daughter # 2, kids, and hubby getting a new pair of PJ's.

Well ... no .... it's not like that at all. Flat screen TV = $800 (depending, obviously on the TV). Eight pairs of PJs equal far less than that, unless you're buying REALLY expensive jammies. Your initial post said that the mother spent the same amount ($500) on each daughter. So if, in this example, the mother was spending the same, each daughter would get a flatscreen, and I think that would probably be seen by most as fair.

• Does the unmarried, childess daughter purchase gifts for her sister, BIL, neices and nephews?

• Does the married daughter purchase gifts for her sister? Does the unmarried sister get presents from the neices and nephews?

I ask because it helps put things in context. If, for example, the unmarried daughter purchases gifts for the married daughter's kids, plus the mom and dad, that's eight gifts. Even at $10 a piece, that's $80. If the married daughter and her family purchase a single gift for unmarried daughter, then it could easily come in at far less than $80. So in that case, unmarried daughter gets the $$$ benefit.

There are just too many variables. I always assumed that my parents spent the same amount on us kids, but I doubt they did. We had different interests and asked for different things.

And yes, opened together. It isn't that daughter 2 says hey you bought this item on sale and so you owe me $5.00. It isn't anything like that at all.

There is more to this situation as far as issues with the mom and daughter # 2 which may complicate the emotions of it all. Daughter 2 has been treated unfairly for a lifetime and has now choosen to distant herself. But daughter 2 wants to make sure she is not being unresonable either.

If she's been "treated unfairly for a lifetime" and has chosen to distance herself, then she likely doesn't expect the gifts to be equal. Yet, the mother is still giving her the same amount that she gives her sister. So ... it's fair.

If daughter #2 is looking for something to be bitter and resentful about, it's there. She can resent the fact that she (with her large family) gets the same amount as her sister (with no family).

Then again ... if daughter #2 is looking for something to be grateful for, it's also there. She can be grateful for the fact that she (who has distanced herself and does not bond with her mother) gets the same amount as her sister (who is the mother's favorite).

It's all in how you look at it.