opinions needed about gifts split between adult daughters

[Tinkermommy]

Count me on the side that thinks of giving gifts by individual not families.

For a long time, my sister had two children and I had none. My parents spent the same amount on each of us for gifts. Then my mom spent for my nephews.

It would NEVER enter my mind to be upset or even notice that by family they got more money. Of course, I was too busy buying my nephews a ton of gifts as well!

I don't get the idea that sister X is single and should get the same amount spent on her. Each sister should get the same amount spent on them individually.

 

[ChrizJen]

OK, I think I get it now. I honestly think that if the mother chooses to give that way, then she has every right. It is her gift to give, after all.

HOWEVER...I would never give a gift that way. It would feel like I was spoiling the one. I understand what some of you have said about choices and such. But that's how I would feel personally if I gave gifts that way. I would feel like I was slighting my grandkids. And to me, Christmas is about the kids anyway. I would never force my one daughter to "split up" an amount so that her kids could have a gift from Grandma.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The $500 gift is for the daughters. The mother had her two daughters, she is giving her gifts to her daughters.

Slice it this way if you wish...
That means the she is sending NOTHING to her grandchildren.
Even though she seems to have a cool $1,000. in her pocket)


I hope she doesn't think this is the way to maintain a good relationship with the one daughter and her grandkids.

If it were me and an I had two children, and six grandchildren, I would take that $1000.00, divide up up the number of people in the family equally.
Which means in this case the daughters would get #200.00 each, and so would each grandchild.

Sorry, but any gift to children/grandchildren that is just SO incredibly lopsided, does not show 'love'.

It's not about comparing receipts... It's about serious gross negligence and/or favoritism in either ignoring the one daughter, or the grandchildren.
(depending on who the money sent to the one daughter is intended for.)

 

[traviesojmt]

In our family, we have 4 siblings, all married and with 1 to 2 children each. My parents allot $75 to each adult (8 total adults including in-laws). You can choose to take cash or a $75 gift. As a couple, we may choose to combine our money, now $150, for a larger gift or keep it separate. For the record, my DH wasn't happy the year I CHOSE to combine the money for new bedding for our bedroom. He really wanted his own Best Buy gift card. LOL Apparently new bedding was not on his personal Christmas wish list.

My parents allot $100 for each grandchild. Everyone is treated as an individual and not based upon how many are in your family.

This is personally how I would chose to do things. I like the idea of everyone being treated individually. In my (often crazy) mind, by giving each sister $500 I see the mom as giving gifts to her daughters but not giving anything to the SIL or her grandchildren. Now, just because that is how my mind sees it, does not make it correct, but is my thoughts nonetheless.

 

[LisaR]

Why should it bug you that you have made choices that your brother has not?
You chose to have children and he chose not to.
Why should your brother get less than you?
Is he less than you?
Should your present be better because you are fecund?
What if he had 13 children and your mother said: Well he is better at procreating so I give him all the Christmas money?

What? My brother doesn't get less than me. He gets the same as me. I get $100 and he gets $100. I'm confused. Where did I say all of this? My mom gives me a crisp $100 bill and she does the same with my DH, DS, DD and my brothers and sisters.

 

[Dallas_Lady]

I wouldn't consider, for a second, the amount spent on an item to be material. I have two boys. We buy them things. We do not think about whether or not they are equal in cost. We never will.

She should feel free to buy each person in her life whatever she wants with no thought of cost beyond whether or not she can afford it.

Ditto this time 1000% Do they all sit around on Christmas morning comparing receipts or something? If my kids start counting presents/money spent like that then they can be certain to get NOTHING from me for Christmas.

In my family, the adults all go into a secret Santa pool and we each buy one adult a gift. Then everyone buys for the chidlren as they personally see fit. Once you graduate High School you go into the Secret Santa pool. It has proven to be a lot less stressful (and more fun) since we started doing it that way. Christmas gift are about the children anyway, IMO. I'm a grown women, I don't need my parents giving me $100 or $1000 on Christmas to make me feel special.

Topics like this are the reason I prefer to donate to charities than to give Christmas gifts.

 

[msjprincess]

Fair is relative.
I think if the mom is giving gifts to her daughters then they should each receive an equal gift.
Both daughters are loved so they should each receive and equal $500.

Now if mom wants to give her granchildren individual gifts then she can do that too.
If she can not afford to do this then the money should be just given equally to each daughter.

The daughters made their own choices in life.
What if the daughter who has no children wants to put up her Christmas money for a future family and she is planning. Should she receive less?

So the SIL and Grandchildren should get nothing?

 

[okeydokey]

The poor mother. A $1000 gift budget is very generous and instead she has daughters complaining that they didn't get theirs.

I personally would give to the individual, but I wouldn't ever dream of being so selfish as to whine that I think my mother is unfair. How ungrateful.

 

[Pakey]

The poor mother. A $1000 gift budget is very generous and instead she has daughters complaining that they didn't get theirs.

I personally would give to the individual, but I wouldn't ever dream of being so selfish as to whine that I think my mother is unfair. How ungrateful.

I agree.

I'd be donating the money to charity and giving the daughters a card if I felt my children were running the numbers like this.

 

[jrmasm]

I agree.

I'd be donating the money to charity and giving the daughters a card if I felt my children were running the numbers like this.

Me too.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Are we so hung up on money that equity can only be measured in dollars spent per person?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't care how 'generous' it might be.

That isn't the issue.

IMHO, People who use money unfairly this way (ignoring the grandchildren at Christmas, etc...) are just plain wrong. To show favoritism, breed stress and strife... etc.

That is the issue.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Are we so hung up on money that equity can only be measured in dollars spent per person?

Nope, not me... not at all....

I would be happy to share time at Christmas with my mother, with not one single dime gifted to me.....

It is about the use of money in a very thoughtless and careless and unfair and hurtful way.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Both daughters have their own individual lives.
Their mother chooses to send them $500 each for Christmas.
It is irrelevant how many children each has.
The $500 gift is for the daughters. The mother had her two daughters, she is giving her gifts to her daughters.

How the daughters choose to live their lives and spend their gifts is irrelevant.
Just because one daughter chose to have six children should have no bearing on what the childless daughter receives.

I see that you are trying to get a specific response here.
The mother in this situation giving to her daughters is being loving to her offspring. How daughter who has no kids lives and how she is perceived "living lavish" has no bearing on the fact that her mother loves her and gives her a Christmas gift of $500.

Something similar -- when my grandmother died, she split the money up evenly amongst her daughters. My mom has one child (me), 1 aunt has 7 kids, the other 3. She said she was leaving the money to her children and it was up to the children to take care of their own children (or not). I think it sounded pretty fair, but I can see how it could become a problem during the holidays with gift giving.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...It is about the use of money in a very thoughtless and careless and unfair and hurtful way.

You do not approve of the inequity. Fair enough. Not sure where you get the "use of the money" theme.

Life isn't about money. The only things in our lives of any value are the people in our lives.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Gifts shouldn't be purchased based on their cost or who is getting what.

But for sake of the argument, if mom has $1000 to give away and wants to be equitable, she can choose an amount to give to each daughter, say $250 each. And then split the remaining $500 between her 4 grandchildren. If the woman with no kids has a problem with that, then that's HER problem.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You do not approve of the inequity. Fair enough. Not sure where you get the "use of the money" theme.

Life isn't about money. The only things in our lives of any value are the people in our lives.

So, money is valuable.
Is isn't a 'tool', used to achieve and end...
I simply must disagree, completely and totally.

You may not get the 'use of money' thing.
But I, personally, KNOW people who do this.


PS, I simply NEVER said that 'life was about money'.... Let's not go there...
I said that I would be happy I spent time with my mother at Christmas and not one single dime was gifted.

 

[Wishing on a star]

But for sake of the argument, if mom has $1000 to give away and wants to be equitable, she can choose an amount to give to each daughter, say $250 each. And then split the remaining $500 between her grandchildren. If the woman with no kids has a problem with that, then that's HER problem.

THIS!!!!

 

[CajunDixie]

1st daughter= $500

2ND daughter, husband, six kids= $500 (split between 8, but actually 6 since parents forgo their gift)

Seriously? Sounds like mom has a screw loose. She should treat each person individually. Daughter #1 does too if she doesn't point this out to the mother.

So to receive a gift isn't blessing to you?

Please don't think I am picking on you, I am really curious in the thought of those that may not agree with my thoughts and would like to see both sides of the situation.

Also, there is more to this as you suggested in your earlier post because the mom and daughter 1 are very very close and the mom and daughter 2 have never bonded. (the mom says she just could never connect to daughter 2)

So is it an extension of that pain which turns into a jealous at Christmas time? Or is it a legitimate feeling?

No wonder the mother hasn't bonded with the 2nd daughter if she treats her this way!!

I have 2 kids, Bro #1 has none & lives with my parents, and Bro #2 has 10 kids. My bro's kids shouldn't be punished because they are part of a very large family. My parents treat each of the adults equally and then each of the grandkids (including one step) equally. Daughter #1 sounds selfish if she knows how Daughter #2 is treated.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

So, money is valuable.
Is isn't a 'tool'.
I simply must disagree, completely and totally.

Nothing has any value except that which we place on it.