Open Marriage

[Goofyluver]

Surely - did you read the post I was replying to? The point is that it isn't anyone else's business what agreement is made between consenting adults, in this regard.

Sometimes the internet doesn't allow our true intent to come across very well in written form. I was agreeing with you. That was an affirmative really, not a question or form of disagreement.

 

[bicker]

Ah! You meant "Really!" rather than "Really?"

My bad.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My question is if you want to have an open relationship, why even get married? Why not just seriously date each other, and fool around on the side? Seems like a better option. Personally, if you have children, I think it's incredibly unfair to them to be sleeping around with multiple people. Teaches them horrible values!

On top of that, what I find interesting about open relationships, is that at least from the open couples I know, they tend to be above average looking. I'm sure some of you will point out that you know open couples who aren't that attractive but my experience has been different. Which leads me to believe that better looking people know they can get lots of action anytime they want so they don't want to limit their options. But people who didn't get as lucky in the genes department, tend to value the stable relationships with one partner and expect each other to stay monogomous because they don't have as many options.

As to why they get married, I would guess it is primarily because there are a lot of financial and legal advantages to doing so (health care coverage for spouse, tax write offs, inheritance rules, etc). I suspect some still see it as vitally important that they make that commitment to each other that they are a UNIT for the long term. Also, not all of these relationships are two people together who "fool around on the side." The relationship in the OP is three people together as one stable grouping. For all we know those three would all be married as a group if there was some legal way to do so.


As to the teaching the kids horrible values--that is your belief on what is acceptable in a relationship and clearly not the belief of those IN polyamorous relationships.
To me, if the value kids are being taught is that you should take care of yourself and the ones you love and treat them with honesty and respect I do not care if the family that kid lives with has a mom and a dad, grandma and no other parent, two moms, two dads, Uncle and Aunt, jut mom, just dad, two dads, two moms, big sister or brother, grandma and grandpa, 2 moms and a dad, 2 moms and 2 dads, mom and stepdad or really any other combination of loving responsible adults heading it up.

Honestly, if it truly 100% something ALL the adults in a family want to be a part of and they all love each other and whatever kids come along--I can see that it might be really beneficial to children to have extra adults in their lives who love them, etc. Gosh--wouldn't it be nice to have 3 or 4 choices of who takes off of work on the day little Susie gets the stomache flu? Or 3 or 4 people to "divide and conquer" when Susie's baseball game and Johnny's belt test fall at the same time and that time just happens to be right about when Joey falls and cracks his chin open and needs stitches? Or even 3 or 4 people to take turns getting up at night with a colicky baby?

 

[Rora]

Not my thing.

 

[Heidict]

I knew someone who did this. Her husband was dying of AIDS and he gave her permission to date other guys. He knew that he was not going to be around much longer and he wanted her to have someone to lean on and love when he was gone. It worked for them.

It would never work for my DH and I and not just for religious reasons, but because we decided that there would be no one else involved in our marriage. That it was between just the 2 of us and that cheating and/or an open relationship was not an option. Just won't work for us.

I could care less what others do in their relationships. Doesn't affect my marriage, so why would I care?

 

[marie1203]

Not for us, but to each is own. When Sister Wives came on DH said having one women is enough now try to make 4 women happy at the same time must equal to 4 full time jobs .

 

[daisax]

Drug resistant bacteria is not "evolution".

They're actually a prime example of it.

Humans beings can control themselves if they want to. I'm wired that way. My husband is my one and only and even after 16 years of marriage (been together 20) I've never been tempted to stray, because I refuse to even entertain the thought.

I'm not a cheater, either. Completely incapable of it. But I accept that I'm "wired that way" because of a combination of personality, personal ethics and socialization. I also wouldn't walk naked down the street, blow my nose on my blouse, or take food out of a buffet with my bare hands, but I don't consider avoiding those things to be inherently human, just agreed upon social constraints.

Like monogamy, they avoid a lot of messy interpersonal situations!

 

[Music City Mama]

That's an odd observation. I happen to disagree. Most swinger type people I've known, or know of, were quite average looking or frankly not good looking at all. I'm guessing it has much less to do with looks and more to do with values and self esteem.

I've known a few swingers and I have found this to be true, too.

I'm surprised so many of you know of have known couples in open relationships. To my knowledge, I don't know of any. I did know 2-3 couples around 15 years ago who were swingers, but I don't think they dated other people -- just had sex w/ other people (while together).

I personally don't care if people have open relationships or not . . . whatever works for them, I guess -- doesn't affect me.

 

[luvsJack]

only on the dis can a discussion go from an open marriage and at least one partner having sex with others to relegion to evolution and all the way back again.

Carry on.

 

[tlbwriter]

I'm surprised so many of you know of have known couples in open relationships.

I've heard of two different men in my town that said "My wife and I have an understanding... she's okay with this, but don't tell anyone because she doesn't want everyone to know" or something similar. One of the women believed the man and the other didn't. I wonder how many "open relationships" are actually very one-sided.

 

[surfergirl602]

It's sort of like sister wives in reverse. Whatever floats their boat.

brother husbands? lol

 

[okeydokey]

I've heard of two different men in my town that said "My wife and I have an understanding... she's okay with this, but don't tell anyone because she doesn't want everyone to know" or something similar. One of the women believed the man and the other didn't. I wonder how many "open relationships" are actually very one-sided.

Kind of like, " You better look the other way to my cheating or I'm leaving you." I bet it's not that uncommon.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I've heard of two different men in my town that said "My wife and I have an understanding... she's okay with this, but don't tell anyone because she doesn't want everyone to know" or something similar. One of the women believed the man and the other didn't. I wonder how many "open relationships" are actually very one-sided.

I would never even consider such a thing as valid (especially if I were thinkging of dating teh guy--exceptI woudn't be because I would not be comfortable in a polyamourous relationship).
The two groups I referenced in my earlier post I knew both members of the one couple (they atteded our church and came to nearly every social event--about half with each otehr and half they both came with dates--they had been members there longer than almost anyone; it was awkward for new people the first few times and then you got used to it)
The other I knew everyone involved--again it was no secret from friends but not something they advertised out in public either.

 

[Disney Doll]

Kind of like, " You better look the other way to my cheating or I'm leaving you." I bet it's not that uncommon.

My response would be "buh bye".

 

[DisneyScraps]

There was recently a guy on The View some older man that is a producer. He had been married for years and years to his wife. He fell in love with another woman. The wife said she loved him and wanted him to be happy, he said he loved the wife too much to never divorce her. So he was married to the wife and living with the girlfriend and everyone was getting along fine. All 3 of them were sitting next to Barbara Walters.

Anyone else see that one? Wish I could remember his name.

I personally could not do it. When I met her it wasn't disclosed early. I always thought she was single and dating the guy I would see her with. I got a Christmas Card from her and her husband, when I asked her who the guy on the card was, she said that is my husband I don't ask a lot of questions about it.

She got pregnant with the boyfriend, had the baby. Named it after her husband and her husband is on the birth certificate. That was a different man from the boyfriend that she is living with now.

Both men seem to be parenting the boy. The boyfriend seems to be as involved with his as his father is. I think for him, it's nice he has 3 people looking out for him. He is young enough that it's going to be all he knows.

 

[daisax]

I think once you are exclusive (even if it's with three people, not two) it's not an "open marriage" any more, but a threesome. To me, "open marriage" implies that the each member of the couple can have fun on the outside but their core relationship is with each other. If you're just adding a third party but not out "dating" for kicks, that's polyamory.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think once you are exclusive (even if it's with three people, not two) it's not an "open marriage" any more, but a threesome. To me, "open marriage" implies that the each member of the couple can have fun on the outside but their core relationship is with each other. If you're just adding a third party but not out "dating" for kicks, that's polyamory.

Agreed

 

[CIA]

Honestly, if it truly 100% something ALL the adults in a family want to be a part of and they all love each other and whatever kids come along--I can see that it might be really beneficial to children to have extra adults in their lives who love them, etc. Gosh--wouldn't it be nice to have 3 or 4 choices of who takes off of work on the day little Susie gets the stomache flu? Or 3 or 4 people to "divide and conquer" when Susie's baseball game and Johnny's belt test fall at the same time and that time just happens to be right about when Joey falls and cracks his chin open and needs stitches? Or even 3 or 4 people to take turns getting up at night with a colicky baby?

I think you and I have different views of what an open relationship actually is. An open relationship is not typically 3 or 4 people living together as one, like in the OP's post. An open relationship usually is a married couple who are able to fool around on the side as long as they tell each other about it. So there are no 3 and 4 people at home to take care of the kids, it's still only 2. That's why I said that it teaches the kids horrible values.. they probably won't know anything about it when they're younger but they will as they get older, when they keep asking why Mommy or Daddy are out of the house Mon, Thurs, and Sat nights!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think you and I have different views of what an open relationship actually is. An open relationship is not typically 3 or 4 people living together as one, like in the OP's post. An open relationship usually is a married couple who are able to fool around on the side as long as they tell each other about it. So there are no 3 and 4 people at home to take care of the kids, it's still only 2. That's why I said that it teaches the kids horrible values.. they probably won't know anything about it when they're younger but they will as they get older, when they keep asking why Mommy or Daddy are out of the house Mon, Thurs, and Sat nights!

Okay--as noted above the two types of relationships have been used interchangeably in many posts in this thread (though I agree they are different). Even then, in what is truly an open marriage,--I would assume the people who do this and are truly onboard with it feel that sex is just sex and it is not a sin or anything to be ashamed of. So that would be the value they are passing on to their children. As long as the short term partners are also aware of the situation and everyone practices safe sex, I am not seeing that it is a terrible thing. Different than my values--but not something I feel is terrible to expose kids to.

 

[CIA]

Okay--as noted above the two types of relationships have been used interchangeably in many posts in this thread (though I agree they are different). Even then, in what is truly an open marriage,--I would assume the people who do this and are truly onboard with it feel that sex is just sex and it is not a sin or anything to be ashamed of. So that would be the value they are passing on to their children. As long as the short term partners are also aware of the situation and everyone practices safe sex, I am not seeing that it is a terrible thing. Different than my values--but not something I feel is terrible to expose kids to.

Well the reason that I say it's teaching the kids poor values is because only a small percentage of people engage in this type of relationship. So I don't feel it's right to pass that onto kids who are going to grow up thinking its the norm and will probably expect all their relationships to be that way because they're going to find out that most people aren't very receptive to that idea.