Open Marriage

[Handbag Lady]

Here is my take. I don't believe you can deeply and truly and really love two people at the same time.

That said, the OP's example works for me. I don't have to be in that relationship and if all members of their family of three know about it, I don't see the problem at all.

I also don't have a problem with any open relationship, as long as all are consenting adults. I would never be in one because that isn't what I want.

And we are animals.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Personally, I like being called an animal.

You're an H.Sapien. You could say we're animals all day long (we are ape-like in biology) but you know there is something different about us. Australopithicus Africanus/Afrensis was when we were born.

 

[NY Disney fan]

While human life is indeed more valuable than that of other animals, we've, as a civilization, too often too grossly defiled the value of the life of other animals.

Human life IS more valuable, for the most part. But I do not believe in animal cruelty. I eat vegitarian most of the time and I care for my pet bird sacredly.

 

[Andtototoo]

Good lord, it was hard enough training ONE man. There is no way I'd want another one underfoot.

 

[bicker]

Who said your other partner had to be a man?

 

[fireflymedic]

I know I could never do it and exp not ever meet the guy. Sounds like they (husband and wife) have more of a Daddy/dughter relationship than than a man and wife (with age thing goes along with this idea)

 

[ZephyrHawk]

You're an H.Sapien. You could say we're animals all day long (we are ape-like in biology) but you know there is something different about us. Australopithicus Africanus/Afrensis was when we were born.

Well, no, actually.

No first because we're not ape-like. We're apes. We're specifically "great" apes, which has nothing to do with our relative worth, and everything to do with the fact that we're not gibbons or siamungs (which, by the way, are monogamous, getting back on track of the thread a bit). We are also Catarrhines (Old World Monkeys), primates and mammals.

No, secondly, because I don't believe there is anything different about us as humans from other animals (we're intelligent, yes, but give octopi a couple hundred thousand years and who knows what might happen). I won't say that it's impossible for a higher power to have been involved in our development (I'm agnostic, not an athiest), I just don't see it as a necessary act. However, I'm an odd duck. I originally studied behavioral ecology, which takes as its hypothesis that all behavior (or psychology for humans, if you prefer) derives ultimately from evolutionary trends. It's a study that some find personally insulting (like how Hamilton's equation of br>c explains that deep, all consuming love you feel towards your children), but I found it fascinating. So, as such, you probably picked the one person on these boards who really, really doesn't believe there's anything particularly special about our species.

 

[NHdisneylover]

As long as everyone involved knows exactly what's going on... more power to them.

This is my feeling on the matter. If everyone is aware and good with it--then why not? It is not my thing, but neither is baseball or sardines; just preferences really and I feel no need to forces others to have the same ones i do.

Here is my take. I don't believe you can deeply and truly and really love two people at the same time.

That said, the OP's example works for me. I don't have to be in that relationship and if all members of their family of three know about it, I don't see the problem at all.

I also don't have a problem with any open relationship, as long as all are consenting adults. I would never be in one because that isn't what I want.

And we are animals.

I think some people can. I guess it is probably not all that different than how i can truly, deeply love both of my children. Obviously it is a different kind of love we are talking about--but I think that tendency for the heart to have a much bigger capacity to love than we initially believe is possible is still going to be there for at least some people.


Oh, yeah, and we are animals. I have a heck of a lot more in common with an ape, or even a mouse than a tulip or some mold--which would be why I am classified as an animal (and a mammal at that) right along with the ape and mouse.

 

[Sorsha]

Well, no, actually.

No first because we're not ape-like. We're apes. We're specifically "great" apes, which has nothing to do with our relative worth, and everything to do with the fact that we're not gibbons or siamungs (which, by the way, are monogamous, getting back on track of the thread a bit). We are also Catarrhines (Old World Monkeys), primates and mammals.

No, secondly, because I don't believe there is anything different about us as humans from other animals (we're intelligent, yes, but give octopi a couple hundred thousand years and who knows what might happen). I won't say that it's impossible for a higher power to have been involved in our development (I'm agnostic, not an athiest), I just don't see it as a necessary act. However, I'm an odd duck. I originally studied behavioral ecology, which takes as its hypothesis that all behavior (or psychology for humans, if you prefer) derives ultimately from evolutionary trends. It's a study that some find personally insulting (like how Hamilton's equation of br>c explains that deep, all consuming love you feel towards your children), but I found it fascinating. So, as such, you probably picked the one person (no, there's at least two of us) on these boards who really, really doesn't believe there's anything particularly special about our species.

I love you - you're my new best friend. Let's do lunch sometime.

 

[canadianjovigirl]

Not for me, but to each their own, who am i to judge. Between a full time job, 3 kids and keepin my hubby happy i dont think i have time or energy for another one

 

[Mkrop]

I know I could never do it and exp not ever meet the guy. Sounds like they (husband and wife) have more of a Daddy/dughter relationship than than a man and wife (with age thing goes along with this idea)

This was my take on it exactly esp given the age difference.

She has her Sugar Daddy and her boy toy.

Not for me but if all are consenting adults who think idea is hunky dory than go for it.

 

[DisneyFairytale]

The Love and cheating poll made me think about a friends relationship. I know that most of you are not going to agree with this or like it but it seems to work for her.

I have a friend that has been married for 18 years. Her husband is at least 15 years older than she is. She is in her early 40's.

She has an open marriage.

When she explained it to me what she said was she loves her husband dearly and he is one of the most wonderful men she knows. I know him and i think he is pretty terrific. Apparently he is on some kind of medication that prohibits him from having sex. I never asked what it was.

She said that at her age the thought of never having passion on her life again was impossible to accept so she negotiated wi her husband that she be allowed to date openly and to have an intimate relationship if she wanted.

I have watched her date. I never asked what she tells the men and when she tells them. But they all know.

Last year she met someone that she started to see regularly. It got serious.

Serious enough that he met her husband.

They hit it off.

The boyfriend now lives with them. They live like one family. Sometimes they all go out socially....together.

I never asked her whom she sleeps with at night or anything too intrusive.

Of course you never know but everyone seems happy. They are planing on buying a house together the 3 of them.

So this is one example of being able to love your spouse and another person at the same time.

I know it's crazy. I could never do it but I don't judge them for their lifestyle.

Crazy. I have heard of that happening, and I know some people agree to do it, but to the point where THREE of them live together? that's the extreme end of things. Very interesting. I have enough grief with one man, let alone 2!

 

[JoiseyMom]

The Love and cheating poll made me think about a friends relationship. I know that most of you are not going to agree with this or like it but it seems to work for her.

I have a friend that has been married for 18 years. Her husband is at least 15 years older than she is. She is in her early 40's.

She has an open marriage.

When she explained it to me what she said was she loves her husband dearly and he is one of the most wonderful men she knows. I know him and i think he is pretty terrific. Apparently he is on some kind of medication that prohibits him from having sex. I never asked what it was.

She said that at her age the thought of never having passion on her life again was impossible to accept so she negotiated wi her husband that she be allowed to date openly and to have an intimate relationship if she wanted.

I have watched her date. I never asked what she tells the men and when she tells them. But they all know.

Last year she met someone that she started to see regularly. It got serious.

Serious enough that he met her husband.

They hit it off.

The boyfriend now lives with them. They live like one family. Sometimes they all go out socially....together.

I never asked her whom she sleeps with at night or anything too intrusive.

Of course you never know but everyone seems happy. They are planing on buying a house together the 3 of them.

So this is one example of being able to love your spouse and another person at the same time.

I know it's crazy. I could never do it but I don't judge them for their lifestyle.

What started as an open marriage is now what is called a Polyamorus (spl??) relationship. Whatever works for them.

But humans do have to deal with jealousy..so I am not sure how these relationships can survive longterm. But more power to them!

 

[jlewisinsyr]

Love is not sex and sex is not love.

I've been with my partner longer then the majority of marriages last now a days, but we don't have an option to be married. That said, we have had an open relationship to the extent that we had relations with more then just each other. But there was trust, communication, etc.

It really changed a lot about our relationship, in a positive way. It allowed for even deeper levels of communication, trust became stronger, never the less some excitement it can add back to things.

Is our lifestyle for everyone, absolutely not, I think many people are way to jealous by nature or to immature (trust me my brother's wife before he died would kick him out if even looked at another woman).

 

[Family Fun Mom]

I've done the open relationship thing with several boyfriends. Usually requires a great deal of trust and friendship before even starting it, and you still can "cheat."

Humans are not monogamous by nature. Religion is what made us monogamous. We just simply aren't wired that way.

That is just a lame excuse people use to get away with doing whatever they want. Humans beings can control themselves if they want to. I'm wired that way. My husband is my one and only and even after 16 years of marriage (been together 20) I've never been tempted to stray, because I refuse to even entertain the thought. I hate it when people use the "evolution" excuse. As if we have no control over our actions.

Anyone can be monogamous. I'd never take part in an "open" lifestyle but I can at least respect someone who's honest and just says flat out they don't want monogamy. But when they use evolution as an excuse my eyes start rolling.

I guess you could say that's a pet peev of mine.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Well, no, actually.

No first because we're not ape-like. We're apes. We're specifically "great" apes, which has nothing to do with our relative worth, and everything to do with the fact that we're not gibbons or siamungs (which, by the way, are monogamous, getting back on track of the thread a bit). We are also Catarrhines (Old World Monkeys), primates and mammals.

No, secondly, because I don't believe there is anything different about us as humans from other animals (we're intelligent, yes, but give octopi a couple hundred thousand years and who knows what might happen). I won't say that it's impossible for a higher power to have been involved in our development (I'm agnostic, not an athiest), I just don't see it as a necessary act. However, I'm an odd duck. I originally studied behavioral ecology, which takes as its hypothesis that all behavior (or psychology for humans, if you prefer) derives ultimately from evolutionary trends. It's a study that some find personally insulting (like how Hamilton's equation of br>c explains that deep, all consuming love you feel towards your children), but I found it fascinating. So, as such, you probably picked the one person on these boards who really, really doesn't believe there's anything particularly special about our species.

I love you - you're my new best friend. Let's do lunch sometime.

Shall we make it three?

 

[Goofyluver]

Who said your other partner had to be a man?

Really.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't care what you (or anyone) do in your marriage. And I really do mean, I don't care.

The only relationship I care about is my own. And we value our relationship in a way which tells us it's just us two...

I once had someone on another message board tell me that us gays are more likely to have an open relationship. I called bull on that person's bull. Of course, maybe people think that's the truth since we can't legally marry in most areas of the country...

 

[DawnM]

I knew someone in an open marriage who berated any of us who said it was anything but a perfect choice for all couples.

She is now divorced and has nothing good to say about her "lying, cheating, no good ex-husband" (her words not mine.)

Huh.....you don't say?

Dawn

 

[bdcp]

The only couple I ever knew of in an "open marriage' are divorced. Not surprising. Most couples who do this end up divorced because one of individuals ALWAYS falls in love with someone else.

Our marriage (30 years) is a commitment we made to each other and that never involves anyone else and never will.

BTW, we are not apes and I don't believe in evolution.

I love my DH and he loves me and there is no acceptable reason to go anywhere else. It's called in sickness and in health, not until I feel like I want to do something different.

 

[englishteacha]

I knew a man who claimed to love two women equally and didn't want to choose. One of the women involved loved him enough to be willing to "share" him, figuring that having some of him to love some of the time was better than none of him all of the time. The other woman didn't want to share him. He chose the one who didn't want to share. Go figure. Guess there was a choice to be made.