Online Dating

[disneychrista]

Minor update on the first guy I went out with that put things on “pause” due to his kids. But said he’d still like to get together sometime. I am in his area today and messaged him if he’d like to meet (for a beer or ice cream) and he never responded. This shouldn’t be his weekend with his kids and sure he could be busy but to me this tells me he was never really interested in getting together again. This fine. My intent on meeting was just to say hi not to try to “rekindle” anything.

 

[Piglet99645]

I’d agree with this. Suggesting and insisting aren’t the same thing. I recently suggested meeting at a brewery and was countered with the park. I would never insist on a bar/brewery and am always open to suggestions for different locations. Anyone who INSISTS on a specific location including a specific coffee shop would give me pause.

thanks For giving me the opportunity to clarify. Personal preference and comfort for both people is all that matters. If two people can’t even agree on where to meet, might as well not bother. Lol

 

[Piglet99645]

Minor update on the first guy I went out with that put things on “pause” due to his kids. But said he’d still like to get together sometime. I am in his area today and messaged him if he’d like to meet (for a beer or ice cream) and he never responded. This shouldn’t be his weekend with his kids and sure he could be busy but to me this tells me he was never really interested in getting together again. This fine. My intent on meeting was just to say hi not to try to “rekindle” anything.

Ugh. I went through this multiple times and it sucks.

I got better at reading the signs eventually but then just gave up on dating altogether.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My intent on meeting was just to say hi not to try to “rekindle” anything.

Honest answer, if someone I was talking to as a potential dating partner wants to actually meet up I'll probably assume they want to try again. If they just want to say hi/check up on how I'm doing then we can chat casually via text or through a app/website. If he doesn't respond at all I'd just take that as he's not ready/willing to reengage in a romantic sense at this time. Totally just my opinion though, just that I would personally view actually meeting up to mean a bit more than just casual "checking in on how ya doing" chit chat.

 

[disneychrista]

Honest answer, if someone I was talking to as a potential dating partner wants to actually meet up I'll probably assume they want to try again. If they just want to say hi/check up on how I'm doing then we can chat casually via text or through a app/website. If he doesn't respond at all I'd just take that as he's not ready/willing to reengage in a romantic sense at this time. Totally just my opinion though, just that I would personally view actually meeting up to mean a bit more than just casual "checking in on how ya doing" chit chat.

Totally understandable. And I’m not taking it badly. But I also won’t attempt contact again. If he is interested then he is free to contact me. I also wonder no matter how much a man says they WANT the woman to initiate contact if in the end they really don’t and it might intimidate them. I am trying to not be too forward but it is who I am. I am not one to wait around waiting for a guy. If I like you and want to meet or get to know you more I’m going to let you know.

 

[Piglet99645]

You know I get this part even if I don't share the opinion. But if you don't want to drink alcohol that's not the same as the environment making you uncomfortable. So I guess were you really meaning a bar scene makes you feel uncomfortable or gives off a certain impression of what the date is about?

I hate to belabor this topic, honestly.
It’s like with the guy who was absolutely adamant that we would meet at the dive bar by the college (we were both in our 40s) instead of Barnes and Noble’s Starbucks. I told him quite directly that I wasn’t interested in meeting him at the dive bar. He argued (we literally went around about this for 15 minutes via text) with me that it was more convenient for him. But I didn’t have to justify my preference to him.

However, in the case of the poster who frequents breweries and feels comfortable there, by all means. Go be on your turf where you know people and feel safe. I don’t feel safe alone in bars BECAUSE people are drinking. But I grew up with alcoholics and also married one. So bars are not a safe space for me. Nobody has to feel the same way, but a potential date should respect the preference.

 

[disneychrista]

However, in the case of the poster who frequents breweries and feels comfortable there, by all means.

Nobody has to feel the same way, but a potential date should respect the preference.

I think both of you insisting on a specific place was wrong. If you don’t want to meet at the bar (which I totally get) and he not at Starbucks then maybe fine a neutral third location.

And yea a potential date especially one that you are looking to possibly have a relationship with should not only respect your preference but also have similar view points.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I hate to belabor this topic, honestly.
It’s like with the guy who was absolutely adamant that we would meet at the dive bar by the college (we were both in our 40s) instead of Barnes and Noble’s Starbucks. I told him quite directly that I wasn’t interested in meeting him at the dive bar. He argued (we literally went around about this for 15 minutes via text) with me that it was more convenient for him. But I didn’t have to justify my preference to him.

However, in the case of the poster who frequents breweries and feels comfortable there, by all means. Go be on your turf where you know people and feel safe. I don’t feel safe alone in bars BECAUSE people are drinking. But I grew up with alcoholics and also married one. So bars are not a safe space for me. Nobody has to feel the same way, but a potential date should respect the preference.

To the bolded--Sure and I don't think anyone would say otherwise, I think the responses you got was because you have a background story to alcohol that is not necessarily shared by many others that interacts how you feel about meeting up where alcohol is prevalent. I cannot say meeting for drinks makes the situation rapey or that many people don't want to drink on the first date. I can respect that for you it does. I think that's why you got sorta the "huh?" responses as I don't think many of us thinking meeting for drinks equals rapey or as you've given us a definition from a source sexually aggressive.

FWIW my grandparents were alcoholics, my mom and her siblings were all raised by alcohols, my husband's step-brother (well not by marriage any longer) is an alcoholic and bars don't represent a non-safe space for me nor for my husband. My mom it totally fine with meeting guys in bars, she actually used to go to the dance clubs (like American Bandstand back in the day and other ones once that closed). That doesn't mean I don't understand how you feel on the matter, it's your personal experience coming into play.

I also agree with Christa that in this case both parties were in the wrong for different reasons. He for making it about being convenient for him in a pushy manner and for you, it's not that you have to disclose your personal background around issues with alcohol/the scene feeling rapey but that it's also an opportunity for compromise. If the location is important to the other guy but the venue makes you uncomfortable maybe there's another place close by to the bar.

 

[fla4fun]

Not offended. Just don’t understand how having a drink with someone equals rape. One could spike your vanilla latte just as easily as your red wine.

I totally understand being cautious. But to me there is nothing inherently more risky with having a drink or coffee or ice cream with someone.

I agree that if the intent is for one person to drug another in order to harm them, the venue won’t matter. I think the choice to have a first date at a bar isn’t inherently more dangerous, but what concerns me is that on a first date neither person knows how the other handles their alcohol. I had a friend who fought alcohol addiction for years, and once they took that first drink they couldn’t stop until they blacked out. While they were drinking, they acted like a toddler with no boundaries. Not something the average person wants to deal with on a first date.

But each situation is different, and if you are doing a lot of chatting or texting ahead of time you have the ability to find out a lot ahead of time. I would not look down on someone choosing to include alcohol on a first date. I have family who enjoy an occasional drink without any issues. It just wouldn’t be my personal choice (ice cream sounds good though) even though I know I could stick with ginger ale. Everyone serves to feel safe on a first date.

Sorry it’s been such a long and winding road to find love. Don’t give up!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I had a friend who fought alcohol addiction for years,

Then that is a person who because of this addiction should not drink any alcohol period regardless of how they act.

 

[The WDW 3]

Minor update on the first guy I went out with that put things on “pause” due to his kids. But said he’d still like to get together sometime. I am in his area today and messaged him if he’d like to meet (for a beer or ice cream) and he never responded. This shouldn’t be his weekend with his kids and sure he could be busy but to me this tells me he was never really interested in getting together again. This fine. My intent on meeting was just to say hi not to try to “rekindle” anything.

sounds like he ghosted you

 

[Piglet99645]

I think both of you insisting on a specific place was wrong. If you don’t want to meet at the bar (which I totally get) and he not at Starbucks then maybe fine a neutral third location.

And yea a potential date especially one that you are looking to possibly have a relationship with should not only respect your preference but also have similar view points.

there are so many details I’m not interested in sharing here.... boiling it down to “bar vs Starbucks” seemed simplest. Good luck out there.

 

[The WDW 3]

Just get a hotel room And don’t even speak a word to each other

 

[fla4fun]

Then that is a person who because of this addiction should not drink any alcohol period regardless of how they act.

True. I would hope anyone suggesting a bar for a first date would not suffer from alcohol addiction.

 

[disneychrista]

sounds like he ghosted you

Maybe. But since we are no longer “seeing each other” not sure it really applies. I asked, his answer was not responding.

 

[disneychrista]

Just get a hotel room And don’t even speak a word to each other

I did have someone mention a hotel room and I am pretty sure talking was not what he had in mind.

 

[La Tomate]

I haven’t read this entire thread so if it’s a repeat I’m sorry. But every time I go to DL with my kids I think “THIS is where I could probably find the perfect guy for me.” Lol.

Ogas needs a singles night.

Disney cruises have single minglers type things I believe. I've told myself that next time I cruise I *WILL* be brave and check one out.
But yes! I wish there was more Disney friendly ways to meet like minded peeps because in a few years when the kids are no longer interested I'm going to need someone to do Disney things with me :-D ... And mebbe open the odd jam jar or catch a spider or something.

 

[La Tomate]

My intent on meeting was just to say hi not to try to “rekindle” anything.

Honestly, when there's been a break in convos like you had, and he pretty much ghosted after the date?
Don't go back. Nope. Onwards and upwards!!!
I haven't come across any man who is down for "just saying Hi" that behaved like your dude did previously.

Plus, isn't it nice to feel wanted? Even for conversation? So when they ghost or shelf you? Cut loses and walk away, don't look back.
Unless they're keeping up their side of a friendship too? Bye Felipe!!!

 

[La Tomate]

I haven’t read this entire thread so if it’s a repeat I’m sorry. But every time I go to DL with my kids I think “THIS is where I could probably find the perfect guy for me.” Lol.

Ogas needs a singles night.

Disney cruises have single minglers type things I believe. I've told myself that next time I cruise I *WILL* be brave and check one out.
But yes! I wish there was more Disney friendly ways to meet like minded peeps because in a few years when the kids are no longer interested I'm going to need someone to do Disney things with me :-D ... And mebbe open the odd jam jar or catch a spider or something.

I took the advice here and checked up on a guy I started a very brief conversation with, that only messaged me early hours and asked to go on Whatsapp. When I searched him on FB his name came up first search so I'll bet he'd tried to look at mine. But his profile said he was in Indonesia, not nearby me where he mentioned and his profession date started on July 7th, 2021. I'm betting he just made up that profile so not even messaging him back to say no thanks.

I never jump to WhatsApp, that's a red flag for me. I counter with either a flat "chill!" (And they get uppity, drop them)) or suggest ******* - this way you can chat without disclosing your phone number ;-) at this point if they get pushy or neggy, be done. If boundaries won't be respected at this early stage? Red flag. I mean carry on, but it's a red flag.

 

[Scouter]

Minor update on the first guy I went out with that put things on “pause” due to his kids. But said he’d still like to get together sometime. I am in his area today and messaged him if he’d like to meet (for a beer or ice cream) and he never responded. This shouldn’t be his weekend with his kids and sure he could be busy but to me this tells me he was never really interested in getting together again. This fine. My intent on meeting was just to say hi not to try to “rekindle” anything.

Hmmm, not sure if he really intended on getting together at all or was trying to be polite before?