OMG What do I tell my friend????

[The Mystery Machine]

Here's the question I would ask her to ask herself -

"If you knew that every day for the rest of your married life, your husband might be looking at gay porn on the computer, could you accept that and be happy in your relationship?"

If her answer is yes, she should ignore it and plan her wedding. But if the answer is no, as I suspect it will be, she should end this now and move on.

Yes, this is the correct way to handle it. Tell your friend until she accepts that her future DH looks at reg. & gay porn she cannot marry him.

Also if he is on the DL she is risking HIV. That is too big of a risk for me.

Is she planning on kids? This does not sound like someone who is "ready" for that white picket fence life, you know?

 

[RadioNate]

wow what a horrible situation. the thing is, he probablly does love her. he just isn't ready to admit to himself who he is. I hate to be so cliche but I think this is a 'cry for help' type thing. Deep inside he knows he is gay. He doesn't want to be and hasn't accepted it. He may be on the down low now but I can't see him living that way forever. eventually he'll be ready to admit it and then what?

That is the question she has to ask herself.

Just be there for her. Don't go outting him to everyone, either.

 

[sajetto]

This is a sticky situation for me and I want to help, but I understand where I should probably just keep my mouth closed and listen. DVCLIZ, your input sounds the most reasonable and that way I'm not telling her what to do and she can make the decision on her own. I don't want to lose a wonderful friendship by giving advice that could be the wrong advice.

 

[sajetto]

Is she planning on kids? This does not sound like someone who is "ready" for that white picket fence life, you know?

She really wants children and works with them everyday as a teacher. We went to undergrad together to get our degrees in elementary education and she's always talked about having a family.

 

[goofygirl]

I dated a guy for months who turned out to be bisexual. I learned about it through other people, not him. I was heartbroken but glad I found out before things got really serious and long term.

I'd tell your friend, in a delicate way, that she should get out now. Who knows what else he's been up to, or if he's sleeping with men? Adultery and STDs and being lied to are big "deal breakers" in my book.

 

[Castlebound]

He may be just looking now but there may be a time when he wants to act on it. Can she deal with that? There is enought free porn on the internet that if he was just curious he could have had his fill and then some. Most straight guys would rather be blinded than see male gay porn.

 

[SandraVB79]

When you first said/ wrote he looked at porn, I was like "so what?". I mean, it's not a disease or something, just hormones.
But then you said it was gay porn, and he paid for it (a larger amount of money). That really doesn't saound right. If he was surfing the web for porn and came on such a page and saw it, fine. If he actually pays for it... still fine for him, but not anymore for her.
Yes, he says he isn't gay. Do they live in a region where people are openminded? I can imagine it's not easy to admit you are gay, and especally not if you live somewhere where people are very... narrowminded (is that a word?) I went to the wedding of a gay couple, and one of the two men had been married before with a woman and has two kids out of that marriage. How come? No he hasn't turned into gay after the first wedding, he has always been like that, but because of different circumstances (society, community, family, ...) he just never admitted it to himself and the rest of the world. During his first marriage, the general ideas of society have changed a lot here, and now being gay is accepted by most of the people.

As a friend, I wouldn't directly say "run" or "stay", because in the end, it will come back at you. I think you better give her the advice to go find counceling. Independent counceling, a councelor with open mind, and not someone who is determined to keep them together (chuch is probably not a good idea). They need to find out why he subscribed to the porn site.
Next to that, you can also bring on some questions, like other people here have already said. If she can live with ssomeone from whom she knows he pays to see porn online, then there is no problem.

What I wouldn't do, is tell her to just run away like that. Let them find the "source" for this act, and find a solution/ help/ whatever. Since they are engaged, I can only assume they love each other. That love shouldn't disappear just like that *poof* because of that one thing. In the end, being gay is not a crime. In case he is, and only finds out now, it isn't going to be an easy time for him, and he will need support, and not insults/ anger/ whatever.

 

[SueM in MN]

She told me that she has caught him with pornography twice before and verbalized how much she doesn't like it, but here is where it gets MUCH WORSE

last night she was on his computer and saw that he had SUBSCRIBED to GAY PORN!

then it seems to me that someone willing to pay $40 to look at that has more than just a passing interest in it.

These are all facts that make me question the situation. He knows that she caught him with porn, not once, but twice.
Yet he still chose to subscribe to gay porn - knowing she might/probably would find out.
Why?

Tougth situation. This is really something SHE needs to be discussing with her Fiance. Just be there for support, but I really wouldn't giver her any advice. Perhaps he is bi-sexual and she needs to decide herself what she is comfortable with.

Here's the question I would ask her to ask herself -

"If you knew that every day for the rest of your married life, your husband might be looking at gay porn on the computer, could you accept that and be happy in your relationship?"

These are really good pieces of advice and may also lead to the 'Why' question I asked before.
I can see how someone could be looking at porn once and get caught, but twice, doesn't sound accidental and a third time definately doesn't. That the third time was gay porn (and a subscription at that) sounds like a definite message.
Maybe he really is a nice guy and really does love her, but he has some issues that he doesn't know how to bring up and is afraid to discuss with her. Maybe there are things about himself that he is not sure of and doesn't know how to talk about.
Her finding these things might be his way of putting the information out there so that she knows and she would bring up the subject rather than him.
Or maybe the porn stuff was his way of letting her go because he thought she would just leave if she saw it.
Maybe that porn (or gay porn) is the subject has nothing to do with the message, but is just a way he knew he would get her total attention.

I do agree that the 2 of them have some serious discussion and soul seaching to do. You support is probably the most important thing right now, but they have to make their own decision.

 

[Tinijocaro]

I personally would have broken it off with the straight porn- she said it bothered him, and he continued. Disrespectful. I'm not willing to live with that.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I mean he actually paid to see it for a whole month. I think she said it was nearly a $40 subscription.


The previous porn he's been caught with was straight but this is definite gay porn, not a straight person in the bunch.

Searching for images on a computer is not the same thing, in my opinion, as subscribing and paying for them.

To me, it sounds like more than just a passing curiosity. He either wanted to look at them bad enough one time to pay for it, or he planned on coming back again.

I think she needs to think long and hard whether she wants to continue this relationship. The deeper it gets, the more it'll hurt if she can't deal with his addiction.

 

[UnderTheMistletoe]

Hey babe-

So sorry to hear about this. I think you've got a lot of good, sound advice here- listen to her and support her decision while trying to keep you're opinions out.

Maybe some Ben and Jerry's a good movie on hand would help, too? I dunno.

Good luck and keep me posted?
xoxo

 

[DVCLiz]

OK, I'm printing this entire thread in order to wave it into my daughter's face, because she NEVER thinks I give good advice!!! Thanks, everyone!!

Just kidding -actually, her friends usually come to me frequently for advice on "girl things". I'm pretty reasonable...

OP, I hope your friend works this out!

 

[RitaZ.]

Here's the question I would ask her to ask herself -

"If you knew that every day for the rest of your married life, your husband might be looking at gay porn on the computer, could you accept that and be happy in your relationship?"

If her answer is yes, she should ignore it and plan her wedding. But if the answer is no, as I suspect it will be, she should end this now and move on.

Yes!

The warning signs are there, don't ignore them. At least she found out about it before they got married. Good luck!

 

[robinb]

I think that your friend needs some serious marriage counseling. FWIW, I think porn is porn: hetro or gay. If he's prone to cheating he'll do it with a woman as fast as he'll do it with a man.

 

[ImMarcik]

sajetto, I PMd you.

 

[Chim Chiminy]

I would suggest she talk with a therapist.

Not just to vent/discuss these issues, but to help her figure out why she is attracted to the type of guy she has been with.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with the last poster.

Just because, initially, on the surface, this guy 'seemed like a great guy', that really does not mean anything. Your friend is choosing guys who have issues which mean that she can not be intimate with them and have a positive relationship.

As far as this guy. This sounds TOO classic to me. I mean, HELLO, a proposal to a woman, and a subscription to gay porn, at the exact same time. Doesn't take much to figure out that this is one very very conflicted person.

As far as how to handle it. You have gotten some great advice here. And, it seems that you have been in this situation with your friend before. How did you handle it then. Did you hold her hand? Did you tell her to run? Does she actually beg you to tell her what she should do? (even so, you should not tell her directly....)

Hope all works out for the best.

 

[NewJersey]

Sent a PM instead.

 

[RickinNYC]

Ok, here are my thoughts as a gay man. Your friend asked you for your advice so you are allowed to say what's on your mind. And frankly, I would suggest you advise your friend to reconsider her relationship right now. I've met a few women and one man, all of whom were married to others who were "curious" and they are all now divorced and their former spounses are now gay. If she can live with that risk of potential heart ache, then more power to her. But honestly, if she's in hysterics now and she's only been engaged for a week, then imagine where she will be in the future.

I think her fiancee has to figure out where his head is at. If he's bi, fine, but he needs to be upfront with her about it. If he's gay and in the closet, then that is so incredibly unfair to your friend.

My heart goes out to both of them.

 

[AC7179]

Just be there for her whatever she decides. Let us know if she decides to stay with him or not.