OMG, parents get WAY too caught up in kids sports

[NowaSki]

Of our three kids my youngest son is the athlete. He has been playing soccer for six years now and is playing at the competitive Travel Team level. I coached him for four years, during the non-competitive intramural seasons. At the end of each season the coaches were suppose to give each player a ranking (1-5) based on not only skills, but coachability, do the parents bring the kid to practices and games, etc. At the start of the following season we would have a draft to try and keep the teams as balanced as possible. I heard grumblings from other coaches that certain coaches were purposefully rating their best players low so that they would be easier to pick up in the draft. There were about 80 kids in this age group, and usually less than 10 were ranked 5, but less than 20 ranked as 4s, the majority of the kids were ranked as 3’s. Over the four years I got suspicious of what was going on, and held on to my draft sheet to see how kids were ranked. It was always obvious who the most skilled players were, and coaches knew them. So, as a coach you had no choice but to rank them as 5’s. It was the others that should have been 4’s that I found coaches putting down as 2’s. Over the last two years that I coached there emerged to two teams that were dominating the rest of the teams, and it was those coaches that were working the draft system. This was for kids playing soccer starting at age 6 up to age 9.

I’ve also had to deal with over the top parents even at the 4 year old level. I just don’t get it. I had a parent talking to the other parents behind my back complaining I wasn’t teaching the kids anything. These were 4 and 5 year olds. The fundamentals for 4 and 5 year olds is to learn proper dribbling and kicking. I told my parents that these kids need to learn how to dribble and keep their heads up so that they can see where they are going. Sure enough, during one game a player from the other team had the ball and dribbled full steam into the goal post. Luckily it was only a small bump on his head, but I turned to my parents and said this is why we work on our dribbling skills so much.

 

[Camicar]

The New York Times had an excellent article yesterday about college athletic scholarships-basically how some parents' expectations of a college scholarship for their kid will never be met. Interesting statistics! Other than the big money sports of football and basketball, athletes in the other sports don't get the "full ride" that many parents seem to expect.

When I worked at colleges/universities, I did some admissions work and I was always astonished at the number of parents who were flabbergasted when I told them that their kid's stellar sports record was NOT going to get him/her a free ride to the college.

"But...but....but...we invested Xthousands of hours and Xthousands of dollars into this sport so s/he could get a free ride."

"Did you do any research to determine the likelihood of that investment paying off?"

"Well, no. We just assumed..."

"Did you do any research to determine the monetary return on your monetary investment?" (Because, seriously, the tens of thousands of dollars some of these parents invested -- if they'd actually invested that money, they'd probably be set for college.)

"No." (And why not? They wanted the GLORY of a high school and college athelete. The notion of a scholarship was really just the cherry on top of the sundae.)

 

[debster812]

Ah yes....the wonderful world of Youth Sports.

DS is 10, and is really a soccer kid. He hacks around at baseball and basketball, but soccer is his 'thing'. The first year he played, he was 5, and would run AWAY from the ball. He is now 10, and the starting goalie on his U12 Travel Team. We've been blessed with WONDERFUL soccer coaches, but I've seen the behaviors you all are describing. For us, in our small town, baseball is the real political Youth Sport. DS is just playing baseball for fun, and we've actually lucked out the past two years, and a great coach has drafted him both times.

I do remember when he was playing soccer as a 6 year old, and there was one mother who was positively BERATING our kids (her son was on the team), the poor 12 year old who was reffing tried 3x to get her to hush, and to no avail. Finally our coach called time out, told the ref he would handle it. He walked across the pitch, and told her she had 2 choices, she could leave, and he'd be happy to bring her son home at the end of the game, or she could leave and take him with her, but she was not allowed to stay. She stormed onto the field, grabbed her child, and left. This kid actually turned up on DS's club soccer team this past year, and was asked to leave after the Fall season, due to poor attendance, and an even poorer attitude in training and at games, so sadly not much has changed with them

 

[janets]

Our son is 10 and plays baseball. My husband has asst coached for the last few years with a wonderful coach...the kind of guy you want your kid getting. He understands the need to learn the basics of the game, work on fundamentals, learn to play, while encouraging everyone to do their best, yet also teaching about winning and losing. He was terrific. Now, was this team the best...absolutely not. This year, his family moved out of our district so my husband is not asst coaching. We registered both of the boys and waited to hear about teams.

I got a call yesterday from the new coach, never heard his name before, don't know him, husband doesn't know him. So clearly, my son, who is good (not great but good) has been put on a team that doesn't contain a decent number of good players. We know this because of the draft. My husband has been at the draft for the last few years and understands about ranking your players. Coaches only have a certain number of holdovers from previous teams and the rest go into the pool. Yet, year after year, there emerge 2 dominent teams with THE SAME PLAYERS each year. How is this possible? Because of the false rankings to keep certain kids out of the first round, so that these teams can pick them up after your retention kids.

I have a serious problem with this. It is unfair, to everyone. My kid never has a chance to be on a competitive team, because all of the best players are retained on 2 teams. He'll never have a chance at the championship. His team is laughed at. And now, we don't even have the coach that at least taught him about sportsmanship and skills.

One of the other asst coaches from our previous team has a son that is in school w/ mine and they have known each other since kindy. He's a pretty good player. And his father believes that he has a future as a ballplayer. So this year, he formed his own team w/ another father, got his son and the other coach's son on their team and drafted their own players. My son, who has played w/ his son for years, was not one of them. And his son actually went up to my son and told him that his dad is coaching, named some of the boys on the team and told him you're not on our team. And then walked away. What does this say to our kids? Frankly, I'm appalled at it.

Okay, I guess you get my feelings about organized sports. I think it's awful, in most cases the kids don't learn what they should, they are taught that being winners is more important than anything else and that if you're not on the winning team, you have less value. I have to work hard at getting this thought out of my 10 yo's head.

 

[golfgal]

When I worked at colleges/universities, I did some admissions work and I was always astonished at the number of parents who were flabbergasted when I told them that their kid's stellar sports record was NOT going to get him/her a free ride to the college.

"But...but....but...we invested Xthousands of hours and Xthousands of dollars into this sport so s/he could get a free ride."

"Did you do any research to determine the likelihood of that investment paying off?"

"Well, no. We just assumed..."

"Did you do any research to determine the monetary return on your monetary investment?" (Because, seriously, the tens of thousands of dollars some of these parents invested -- if they'd actually invested that money, they'd probably be set for college.)

"No." (And why not? They wanted the GLORY of a high school and college athelete. The notion of a scholarship was really just the cherry on top of the sundae.)

No KIDDING!! I pointed that out to some parents once and they just couldn't understand what I was talking about. If you put that $5000/year you are spending on JO Volleyball into even just a savings account after the 12 years they have been in JO Volleyball you would have her college paid for and then some.

I am all for sports, love them, think they are great but I agree so many parents are WAY over the top. We were talking about this at basketball over the weekend. Apparently there is a boy in our town that travels all over the country for golf. I know of plenty of kids that do this and they are extremely talented and are looking at pro status most likely. This boy is a freshman in high school and is shooting in the 90's. While that is an ok score it doesn't justify the expense for the summer golf. That money put into a college fund would have paid for his schooling easily.

 

[golfgal]

Our son is 10 and plays baseball. My husband has asst coached for the last few years with a wonderful coach...the kind of guy you want your kid getting. He understands the need to learn the basics of the game, work on fundamentals, learn to play, while encouraging everyone to do their best, yet also teaching about winning and losing. He was terrific. Now, was this team the best...absolutely not. This year, his family moved out of our district so my husband is not asst coaching. We registered both of the boys and waited to hear about teams.

I got a call yesterday from the new coach, never heard his name before, don't know him, husband doesn't know him. So clearly, my son, who is good (not great but good) has been put on a team that doesn't contain a decent number of good players. We know this because of the draft. My husband has been at the draft for the last few years and understands about ranking your players. Coaches only have a certain number of holdovers from previous teams and the rest go into the pool. Yet, year after year, there emerge 2 dominent teams with THE SAME PLAYERS each year. How is this possible? Because of the false rankings to keep certain kids out of the first round, so that these teams can pick them up after your retention kids.

I have a serious problem with this. It is unfair, to everyone. My kid never has a chance to be on a competitive team, because all of the best players are retained on 2 teams. He'll never have a chance at the championship. His team is laughed at. And now, we don't even have the coach that at least taught him about sportsmanship and skills.

One of the other asst coaches from our previous team has a son that is in school w/ mine and they have known each other since kindy. He's a pretty good player. And his father believes that he has a future as a ballplayer. So this year, he formed his own team w/ another father, got his son and the other coach's son on their team and drafted their own players. My son, who has played w/ his son for years, was not one of them. And his son actually went up to my son and told him that his dad is coaching, named some of the boys on the team and told him you're not on our team. And then walked away. What does this say to our kids? Frankly, I'm appalled at it.

Okay, I guess you get my feelings about organized sports. I think it's awful, in most cases the kids don't learn what they should, they are taught that being winners is more important than anything else and that if you're not on the winning team, you have less value. I have to work hard at getting this thought out of my 10 yo's head.

As a basketball coach with 20+ years of high school coaching experience your son is WAY better off playing on a less competitive team at this stage of the game. On the better team he might see a few minutes of playing time where as on the team he is on he will probably play most of the game. In all my years of coaching/playing basketball I have yet to see the stand out 10 year old become the standout varsity player. Just keep letting him play and it will pay off.

 

[lucyanna girl]

My son plays baseball. It has always been stressed to him that he is there to have fun, win or lose, though we try our best to win. He gets it. Heck, he is the team's biggest cheerleader even if they do bad, he is sure to tell everyone they played a great game.

I was very grateful that my son got on a team where the coach, while competitive to the point that he wants to get the kids to strive to win, isn't a big yeller or makes them feel bad if they mess up or in general makes a jerk out of himself on the field. We've had bad calls against us, we just take it as it comes....

I was flabbergasted today at my son's game when the coach on the opposing team started having a freaking temper tantrum because our first baseman's miraculous catch (we are talking 5 and 6 year olds here) caused him to accuse us first of cheating because the child jumped into the baseline to make the catch (thus supposedly purposely blocking the batter from making it to first base), but then when it was called an out went on to badmouth our team as being the team no one wanted to play because we were such jerks and tell our kids to keep running instead of stopping at first base. (yes, he was met with replies of "if the kid hits it to the fence, yep, we're going to let him get a homerun." ).

It is a GAME. If my 6 year old gets it that its not the end of the world if you lose, why can't adults?

People need to let their KIDS play and enjoy the game!

As my son says, "We're 5 and 6, we don't know what we're doing"

It sounds like your little sweetie has the right attitude about sports. Too bad the kids can't teach some of the parents how to act.


Penny

 

[Beth76]

My 1st grader is starting his second season of baseball, in the training league. Fortunately, we haven't had to deal with parents or coaches like this yet. We have a great baseball coach (this year and last) and his soccer coach was also great. We also don't keep score yet, so I think that helps. It's all for fun. Next year, he'll be in the regular league, if we do it.

My son has one friend who was on the team last year who is going to the "select league" this year. They're 7. I didn't even know they had select teams this young.

 

[wilderness01]

Just wait, unfortunately this is just the tip of the iceburg.
It has always amazed me how these parents act.

Slightly off topic here but this also bugs me:

My one friend, who can't afford to pay her bills per her, has her kid in a traveling hockey and a traveling baseball league. The amount of money they spend is out of this world, but yet they say they won't be able to afford to help him at all when he goes to college. I like the other poster have said "why don't you put all that money in a college fund and let it grow instead of hoping for a full ride somewhere?" She just looks at me like I have 2 heads and says but we are really counting on this. Oh ok, and you are getting your water dispenser taken back because you haven't paid the bill, but yet are spending thousands of dollars per year on a maybe? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Or the one I love the most is the kid who is failing or barely getting by in school but yet on a traveling team with private practices from a trainer. Hello, when did sports come first in grammar school? Or even high school? Isn't the main goal of education in grammar/high school to learn, better yourself, get into a good college, and get a degree that is employable so you can one day be independent? When I say things like this it is totally disliked so I have learned to keep my mouth shut and say nothing.

Sorry Op for the off track response. I have been in your shoes and it is disgusting how some "adults" act.

 

[sk8ingmom]

ITA on the crazy hyper competitve parents. I think the politics or youth sports suck! We've been really lucky so far on my kids teams. Gosh, hockey parents get a bad rap, but I'd take our hockey parents over your baseball parents any day!

My guys (7 & 9) play hockey and baseball, they've also tried lacrosse, soccer, and just signed up for a kid triathlon. We spend tons of money on hockey. They go to a day camp or 2 each summer, ice is expensive, equipment is expensive, travel is expensive, jerseys are expensive, socks are expensive...you get it.

Why do we do it? Because they love to play & it is something we can do as a family (DH & I both coach). I am in no way under the delusion that my kids are going to have the size or quite frankly the skill to play in college, let alone get a free ride. That's not why we do it. My kids have the same rule I did - when it isn't fun anymore, you can quit when the season is over. Competitive sports teach kids so much more than how to play.

My parents spent what I'm sure amounts to tens of thousands of dollars on my competitve figure skating career when I was growing up. No scholarships, not Olympic aspirations, but I loved it and I was decent at it. My particiaption in youth sports has a great deal to do with the person I am today - not because of what I won, but because of what I learned.

THUD! That was me gracefully exiting my soapbox.

 

[NowaSki]

There is a great organization that is working to make kids sports better. The organization is call the Positive Coaching Alliance http://www.positivecoach.org/

They did a presentation last year for all the coaches in our Soccer club, and the club has made this mandatory for all new coaches and new parents. They have all kinds of workshops.

They don't tell you take the competition out of sports, they teach you how to make the entire experience positive for the kids (win or lose).

 

[bluesaturn]

My kids aren't really into sports. Thankfully, there aren't those kind of parents in the drama, band and wind ensemble.

Oh I'm sure there will be in high school. They just scream less.

 

[minniecarousel]

Ah, this brings back memories! (My DSs are 28 & 25!)

Our youngest played sports year-round. Never stood out in any one (soccer, baseball, basketball - a little roller hockey & HS football, too). The politiking is outrageous! Going from Little League to HS baseball was the worst! Our HS got students from two towns - one (not ours) was heavily favored by the HS baseball coaches (better yet - if you played Pony & Colt as opposed to the older levels of Little League). egads!

Hang in there, parents. Just keep telling your kids to try their hardest. It isn't easy sitting on the bench, but it is character-building. (thank heavens for "minimum-playing-time" in youth sports! - unfortunately not in HS sports). Our son plays softball with his fiancee and some old HS friends. We go and watch (funny to see him play on the fields that he played and umpired on as a kid!)

 

[Aidensmom]

I can't believe there are leagues out there for 5 / 6 year olds that are already playing games?

My 8 year old doesn't even practice until this weekend.

I guess it's a lot warmer in Fl, but we don't start baseball at that level for another 6 weeks as I thinkt the games run from the last Saturday of April until late June (or about 8 weeks excluding Memorial weekend).

How long is your season or do they have more then one season at that level down there??

Our season opener game was February 23, and our last regular season game is May 5. We have a fall season too, which not as many kids play, which I believe ran from the beginning of September through mid-November. The fall season was my son's first time playing, and it seemed a little more laid back than this season does.

Someone commented on how the coaches are harder on their own kids. That is so true, you can tell who the coaches kids are for precisely that reason!

 

[Bob Slydell]

5 and 6 seems kind of young for "competitive" baseball. Our rec league doesn't start paying attention to scores (or outs for that matter) until 7 year olds, which my son is starting this summer. Up to then, every kid gets an at-bat every inning and they play three innings or until they run out of time.

 

[Cindyluwho]

My kids aren't really into sports. Thankfully, there aren't those kind of parents in the drama, band and wind ensemble.

But wouldn't it be super funny if they did act like that at those events???

"Put down that flute, you SUCK!!"
"That's not a monologue. You wanna see a monologue??"

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Parents around here have to sign behavior clauses. We did have a father get prosecuted for attacking his ds' coach at a (basketball?) game a couple of years ago.

Of course the coaches can be really bad too. It's been strongly hinted at that a certain soccer coach has his players "hurt" the opposing players during games. He's still allowed to coach because its never been proven.

 

[RitaZ.]

It is a GAME. If my 6 year old gets it that its not the end of the world if you lose, why can't adults?

People need to let their KIDS play and enjoy the game!

The kids get what it's all about. The adults are idiots. Our oldest played baseball for a couple of seasons. OMG! Some of these parents clearly thought that their kid would be the next Barry Bonds! There was one woman in particular that would continually yell, "Fire it, fire it!" OMG! I wanted to slap her!!!!

Reality check for those wacky parents: very few have what it takes to make it as professional athletes. Have a back-up plan, you know, just in case!

 

[Aidensmom]

5 and 6 seems kind of young for "competitive" baseball. Our rec league doesn't start paying attention to scores (or outs for that matter) until 7 year olds, which my son is starting this summer. Up to then, every kid gets an at-bat every inning and they play three innings or until they run out of time.

I've got a kid who lives for baseball. He apparantly has a special place in his brain for game scores and player stats and all that stuff. He wouldn't enjoy playing if there weren't "real" rules. To be honest, none of the KIDS in his division really seem to have any problems with the competetiveness. Sure, they are happy when they make a run or win the game, but if they lose, they've forgotten about it by the first bite of their after-game snack.

In our league, everyone plays, but each team gets 3 outs or 5 runs an inning, for 5 innings.

 

[DISshopkeeper]

My kids aren't really into sports. Thankfully, there aren't those kind of parents in the drama, band and wind ensemble.

I've seen them at the high school level....

My DH is a paid umpire for baseball and a football referree as well. He has told me stories that would curl anybody's hair. Up to and including a POLICE ESCORT out of a football game. It's really, truly awful out there and I have begun to worry about him when he is officiating. It's out of control and scary.