Rajah
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Aug 17, 1999
- Messages
- 9,632
Rather than responding to all the PMs and emails with all of this same verbage, I'm going to post this update here. Thank you all for your PMs and emails of support, and I'll try to respond to each one individually at least with a thank you, but if I miss one, I apologize, don't take it personally. I appreciate each and every PM and email I've gotten so far.
As suggested, we are taking this one step at a time. Right now, it's hour by hour. Tomorrow, we'll start day by day.
I have learned a lot through this experience already: I've learned who my friends are, and how many I have. Once again, it's more than I realized. I've learned, once again, just how much Peace can come from prayer chains. I've learned that the company I work for is a gem. My dad used to work there too (it's going to be VERY hard getting used to that), even in the same department though we were on different teams. (If the company weren't so great, I don't know that I could continue to work there -- but I know that my team mates will help me get through when I do return to work). The managers have been unbelievably helpful. They and the people they've put us in contact with so far aren't treating us like employees. They're treating us like family, and they're going to make sure we're taken care of.
I've learned that I've horribly misjudged my inlaws for the past 4 years. I've always felt that my FIL at least wouldn't know how to be compassionate if he took 10 years of training. That was proven wrong today. I've always felt that my inlaws wouldn't be there in a timely manner in an emergency. They were at my house before we got there, and they stayed with us the entire day while my DH took care of the responsibilities back at my parent's (mom's, now) house. My FIL was an unbelievable pillar of support for my mom, and I'm very greatful. One thing about this -- in the past few months, two tragedies have brought me closer to them than I ever thought I'd be, though I'm still a long way off from calling them "best friends". First was the lost of my FIL's mom to... I think it was Parkinsons. Now this.
I've learned that, despite all the complaints I've had about my DH and vented about here on the boards, when it comes down to it, he is *there* for me. He is my (physical) pillar of strength.
I've learned that yes I *can* ask for help, and accept it. Even if I have to do so via email to be able to voice what I'm feeling inside.
I've gotten back in touch with the minister who performed the wedding for DH and me, the only minister I've ever really "connected" with (if that makes sense) since I was 12. That is a good thing.
I have learned once again just what kind of unbelievable gems I've got in my friends, especially my best friends. I know that between friends, coworkers, and family, everything will be alright and we will go on.
I've learned that, even in the midst of tragedy, it is possible to still laugh and smile, and *necessary* to do so in order to heal. I'm not talking about covering up and hiding what you're really feeling behind a false smile, I mean it's possible for someone to honestly and truely make you laugh, even if it's just for the briefest of moments.
There are some things to be thankful for, even in the midst of this:
1) that none of us found him. My mom, I feel, was "directed" not to investigate and instead call the police, so she didn't find him. The police wouldn't let us into the house at all until everything was known, and they did a very good job of trying to take care of us. None of us saw him. (Could someone remind me when things slow down that I'd like to send a thank you card to the police? This is an honest request, I will not remember, even by making notes)
2) That I live in the same town as my mom. Well, technically it's two towns over, but within 15 minutes counts.
3) That I have so many friends here (home), many I didn't even realize.
4) That somehow I was able to remember (I think I was "told" by the angel on my shoulder) the phone number to the one person I could call and talk to at work. A coworker of mine who is a minister as well and just the person I needed to talk to to break the news.
5) That the company I work for is being so great
6) The DIS, and the support group here. And, for that matter, all that I've learned through the DIS in the past by reading what others have been going through in their lives. I have learned *so much* from this place, it's unreal. Thank you, to everyone.
And for those of you who pointed out that even if we'd been able to see this coming and stopped it last night, it still would have happened eventually -- thank you. You won't ever know or understand just how much that made me feel better. That one statement has kept me from sliding into the "I could have stopped this" quagmire, at least so far. And now that I have found out he was most likely dead before I even was called by the police, I know there was nothing at all I could have done. Please remind me of that when I forget it in the upcomming months, days, and even years.
In reviewing all that's happened in the last 30 hours, my mom and I both have decided that he *knew* when I left their house yesterday evening that he was planning or at least considering this course of action. I won't go into the details, but in hindsight we think the clues were there. But they were subtle enough that even being concerned about him, none of the clues *pointed* to what he planned without looking in hindsight. The only thing about this that is actually good is that the last thing he saw or spoke to me was to make me laugh. He always loved to make me laugh or smile, and he was the only person who could make me smile *no matter what*. Shoot, just picturing him standing next to me and doing his "gime a smile" thing makes me smile. Bittersweet, but smile.
I do know he loved me very much, and I know he knew I thought the world of him. So at least I have that. I don't know if the same can be said for my mom, but I know she knows that *I* love her. And, from what my mom described, I know he flipped last night, and I think we've pretty much put together what happened and why. And though we can point to some things and say "that was a sign", I know that on their own, none of what he did pointed to where he was heading without it being in hindsight. I knew he was a bit depressed, but he was so good at hiding things that I had no idea it was this far -- shoot, *all* of us in the space program are at least somewhat depressed since Columbia. If I had known, I could have taken steps to prevent it. But, as others have posted, if he hadn't gone this way last night, he would have found another way.
I know that I need help, I can't make it through this alone, and I know that the help is out there for the asking. And for the first time in my life, I've been approaching people, such as the minister, asking for said help.
For those who are responding to my request for someone in the ministry -- I think I've gotten my answer. Thank you.
I will be here off and on over the next several weeks, but I will check in here as I can and as I need to let y'all know how we're doing.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. My mom and I both know the power of prayer, and unless you've also experienced it, you don't know how comforting and helpful it is to know that several-hundred people are praying for you, and possibly even several-thousand.
My mom may not fully understand the power of online communities, but I do.
Thank you.
Thank you all for being there for me.
As suggested, we are taking this one step at a time. Right now, it's hour by hour. Tomorrow, we'll start day by day.
I have learned a lot through this experience already: I've learned who my friends are, and how many I have. Once again, it's more than I realized. I've learned, once again, just how much Peace can come from prayer chains. I've learned that the company I work for is a gem. My dad used to work there too (it's going to be VERY hard getting used to that), even in the same department though we were on different teams. (If the company weren't so great, I don't know that I could continue to work there -- but I know that my team mates will help me get through when I do return to work). The managers have been unbelievably helpful. They and the people they've put us in contact with so far aren't treating us like employees. They're treating us like family, and they're going to make sure we're taken care of.
I've learned that I've horribly misjudged my inlaws for the past 4 years. I've always felt that my FIL at least wouldn't know how to be compassionate if he took 10 years of training. That was proven wrong today. I've always felt that my inlaws wouldn't be there in a timely manner in an emergency. They were at my house before we got there, and they stayed with us the entire day while my DH took care of the responsibilities back at my parent's (mom's, now) house. My FIL was an unbelievable pillar of support for my mom, and I'm very greatful. One thing about this -- in the past few months, two tragedies have brought me closer to them than I ever thought I'd be, though I'm still a long way off from calling them "best friends". First was the lost of my FIL's mom to... I think it was Parkinsons. Now this.
I've learned that, despite all the complaints I've had about my DH and vented about here on the boards, when it comes down to it, he is *there* for me. He is my (physical) pillar of strength.
I've learned that yes I *can* ask for help, and accept it. Even if I have to do so via email to be able to voice what I'm feeling inside.
I've gotten back in touch with the minister who performed the wedding for DH and me, the only minister I've ever really "connected" with (if that makes sense) since I was 12. That is a good thing.
I have learned once again just what kind of unbelievable gems I've got in my friends, especially my best friends. I know that between friends, coworkers, and family, everything will be alright and we will go on.
I've learned that, even in the midst of tragedy, it is possible to still laugh and smile, and *necessary* to do so in order to heal. I'm not talking about covering up and hiding what you're really feeling behind a false smile, I mean it's possible for someone to honestly and truely make you laugh, even if it's just for the briefest of moments.
There are some things to be thankful for, even in the midst of this:
1) that none of us found him. My mom, I feel, was "directed" not to investigate and instead call the police, so she didn't find him. The police wouldn't let us into the house at all until everything was known, and they did a very good job of trying to take care of us. None of us saw him. (Could someone remind me when things slow down that I'd like to send a thank you card to the police? This is an honest request, I will not remember, even by making notes)
2) That I live in the same town as my mom. Well, technically it's two towns over, but within 15 minutes counts.
3) That I have so many friends here (home), many I didn't even realize.
4) That somehow I was able to remember (I think I was "told" by the angel on my shoulder) the phone number to the one person I could call and talk to at work. A coworker of mine who is a minister as well and just the person I needed to talk to to break the news.
5) That the company I work for is being so great
6) The DIS, and the support group here. And, for that matter, all that I've learned through the DIS in the past by reading what others have been going through in their lives. I have learned *so much* from this place, it's unreal. Thank you, to everyone.
And for those of you who pointed out that even if we'd been able to see this coming and stopped it last night, it still would have happened eventually -- thank you. You won't ever know or understand just how much that made me feel better. That one statement has kept me from sliding into the "I could have stopped this" quagmire, at least so far. And now that I have found out he was most likely dead before I even was called by the police, I know there was nothing at all I could have done. Please remind me of that when I forget it in the upcomming months, days, and even years.
In reviewing all that's happened in the last 30 hours, my mom and I both have decided that he *knew* when I left their house yesterday evening that he was planning or at least considering this course of action. I won't go into the details, but in hindsight we think the clues were there. But they were subtle enough that even being concerned about him, none of the clues *pointed* to what he planned without looking in hindsight. The only thing about this that is actually good is that the last thing he saw or spoke to me was to make me laugh. He always loved to make me laugh or smile, and he was the only person who could make me smile *no matter what*. Shoot, just picturing him standing next to me and doing his "gime a smile" thing makes me smile. Bittersweet, but smile.
I do know he loved me very much, and I know he knew I thought the world of him. So at least I have that. I don't know if the same can be said for my mom, but I know she knows that *I* love her. And, from what my mom described, I know he flipped last night, and I think we've pretty much put together what happened and why. And though we can point to some things and say "that was a sign", I know that on their own, none of what he did pointed to where he was heading without it being in hindsight. I knew he was a bit depressed, but he was so good at hiding things that I had no idea it was this far -- shoot, *all* of us in the space program are at least somewhat depressed since Columbia. If I had known, I could have taken steps to prevent it. But, as others have posted, if he hadn't gone this way last night, he would have found another way.
I know that I need help, I can't make it through this alone, and I know that the help is out there for the asking. And for the first time in my life, I've been approaching people, such as the minister, asking for said help.
For those who are responding to my request for someone in the ministry -- I think I've gotten my answer. Thank you.
I will be here off and on over the next several weeks, but I will check in here as I can and as I need to let y'all know how we're doing.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. My mom and I both know the power of prayer, and unless you've also experienced it, you don't know how comforting and helpful it is to know that several-hundred people are praying for you, and possibly even several-thousand.
My mom may not fully understand the power of online communities, but I do.
Thank you.
Thank you all for being there for me.
