Oh no Nephew changed wedding to our cruise departure date UPDATE OP

[Judique]

Cruise!!

 

[ShootingStarMom2]

Vacation!

They moved the date way up, and I understand that things change. But when they made the change they should have realized that some people may not be able to so as quickly.

 

[Zim]

Well, there you go... just send your sister this link and say you had to go with the popular vote. Then she can blame us and you get off scott free, right?

 

[ksjayhawks]

Take the cruise.

The happy couple are the ones that changed the date to what would work best for them. If they had been worried about everyone else, they would have sent out feelers about changing the date. Who knows, his deployment could change again and the date for the wedding have to be changed again as well. It would be terrible if you changed your date for the cruise, only to have them change the wedding date again.

Call your sister and tell her that you heard through the family grapevine that dn's wedding date had been changed. Let her tell you the date, pause before you answer and then tell her that your family will not be able to be there as you have nonrefundable vacation plans that have been booked and paid for. Say you are sorry to miss it, etc, etc. If she starts to get mad or bully you, hang up.

Talk with dh and come up with your standard reply for all who ask why you won't be there. "We hate to miss it, but we have nonrefundable vacation plans that have been booked for years and already paid for. We will look forward to seeing the pictures and hearing all about it. " Repeat this over and over and over. Do not give reasons or excuses or explanations. That only gives them something to argue with you about--and you won't win and will make it worse. If they won't let up, bean dip or get away from them--"Isn't this weather something else? or Excuse me, I need to talk to Sue about something."

Relative: Why won't you be at dn's wedding?
You/dh: We hate to miss it, but we have nonrefundable vacation plans that have been booked for years and already paid for. We will look forward to seeing the pictures and hearing all about it.
Relative: Why can't you be there? Reschedule your vacation!
You/dh: We hate to miss it, but we have nonrefundable vacation plans that have been booked for years and already paid for. We will look forward to seeing the pictures and hearing all about it.
Relative: You should be there. Why can't you change the dates?
You/dh: We hate to miss it, but we have nonrefundable vacation plans that have been booked for years and already paid for. We will look forward to seeing the pictures and hearing all about it. Oh, there is Sue. I need to talk to her. Catch you later.

YOUR family comes first. Go on your cruise and enjoy! Send a nice gift--don't go overboard so it looks like you feel guilty, just send the type of gift that you normally would. Attend any prewedding activities that you can--showers, etc.

 

[lunalibre]

Go on your family vacation!!!

I have a nephew-in-law in the military, and his deployments have changed by months - always earlier than expected. Chances are HIGH that your nephew's deployment date will change multiple times even before next summer. In fact, he nearly had to reschedule his own wedding because just a few weeks before the wedding, they canceled all upcoming leaves! My niece was panicked. Luckily the commander was sympathetic and gave him a 72-hour pass to leave the base to go to his own wedding. He left the base at the first possible minute, drove straight through to barely make it to the rehearsal, and had to leave before noon the day after the wedding to drive straight through to make it back to the base on time. Something to think about!!!

I absolutely would not change a family vacation for my immediate family in order to accommodate extended family. I love mine dearly (most of them, anyway ), and I would do a lot to attend weddings (and once did two 24-hour-round trip drives two weeks apart to go to two different family weddings), but I will NOT give up vacation time with my kids.

You've had this cruise booked for YEARS. It's not your fault your nephew planned his wedding for that date. Everyone will survive without your family's presence.

If (well, when) your sister gripes, just repeat how sorry you are to miss the wedding and no, your plans can't be changed. Then watch how many times your nephew's deployment dates change between now and next June.

 

[charming23]

I say go on the cruise.

I understand where you are coming from though. My Mom's side of the family gets very offended if a family member can't attend any kind of event. I still get flack for going to a dance camp (once in a lifetime opporotunity) rather than go to my cousins confirmation. They even go nuts if a person can't be at another's birthday dinner, so stressful.

 

[Kirby]

Call your sister and offer your regrets that you can't make the wedding. Go on your cruise and have a good time!

My son missed my parent's 60th anniversary reception because he had already made plans to go on a cruise before we planned the reception. We told him to go and have a good time. Did we miss him? Sure we did. Was it detrimental that he be with us? No.

 

[englishteacha]

Go on your cruise. I have over 20 nieces and nephews. 2 nephews got married in the past year. Besides seeing them for about 2 minutes after the ceremony to say congrats and give them a hug, I didn't get to spend any time with them at all. They were glad I was there, but they wouldn't have been broken hearted if I couldn't have made it. Another nephew is getting married next fall. I've already told him (well, his fiancee) that we probably can't attend. It's 4.5 hours away and we'll have a 3 month old. Baby may not like riding in the car (and goodness knows, 4.5 hours for 2 adults could stretch to well over 5 hours if you throw in a fussy/hungry/needs-to-be-changed baby!), and with drive that long we'll have to stay overnight somewhere (if it were just us we'd drive there and back in one day, but that's a LOT for Baby in one day with a party in the middle!). They're a little bummed, but they understand. My immediate family has to come first.

Oh, and OP, don't even mention, "I can't afford it." Just tell folks that you have plans with your family that you can't change. Don't let people bully you about how you spend your money. I choose to live frugally so I can afford to travel and do fun stuff. I could probably "afford" different things, but I don't choose to spend my money that way.

 

[MrsPete]

Given that you didn't tell them about the cruise, I'm thinking that you're not all that close. Therefore, I say stick to your vacation plans.

As many others pointed out, HE changed the date. You'd reserved the first date. Not your choice.

Whatever you decide to do, make your decision and stick to it. Explain yourself, give the facts. Don't apologize for having chosen. Don't waiver. You've made your choice. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into conversation about it.

However, I would make a point to do something nice for the couple ahead of time: Perhaps offer to host a nice shower.

 

[MineMail]

Would you be able to get a refund if you changed your cruise date or cancelled? Try calling to ask, saying that your nephew's pending deployment created a scheduling conflict. Maybe they'll be understanding and take pity on you. Doesn't cost anything to ask, right?

If it would cost you a lot of money to change or cancel, I'd go on the vacation and send a really nice gift to the wedding. They have to realize that people might have other plans for June - it's prime vacation season. While it's a cruise in your case, I have a relatively inexpensive family reunion planned for this coming July. If anyone schedules a wedding for those dates, they'll get a regrets response from me. So don't feel too guilty. In fact, you'll be helping them trim their guest list, which they might appreciate since the date's closer and they have less time to save money in advance.

As for not telling them about the cruise, so what? It's your money and you're okay financially, so ignore any backlash about spending it on a vacation. I have family members who don't believe in spending money on vacations and begrudge anyone who stays at hotels instead of campgrounds. Yet, they spend just as much on new things for their home and hobbies. Six of one, half-dozen of the other.

Good luck!

 

[runwad]

Would you be able to get a refund if you changed your cruise date or cancelled? Try calling to ask, saying that your nephew's pending deployment created a scheduling conflict. Maybe they'll be understanding and take pity on you. Doesn't cost anything to ask, right?

If it would cost you a lot of money to change or cancel, I'd go on the vacation and send a really nice gift to the wedding. They have to realize that people might have other plans for June - it's prime vacation season. While it's a cruise in your case, I have a relatively inexpensive family reunion planned for this coming July. If anyone schedules a wedding for those dates, they'll get a regrets response from me. So don't feel too guilty. In fact, you'll be helping them trim their guest list, which they might appreciate since the date's closer and they have less time to save money in advance.

As for not telling them about the cruise, so what? It's your money and you're okay financially, so ignore any backlash about spending it on a vacation. I have family members who don't believe in spending money on vacations and begrudge anyone who stays at hotels instead of campgrounds. Yet, they spend just as much on new things for their home and hobbies. Six of one, half-dozen of the other.

Good luck!

Yep as long as I cancel before the paid in full date in March I can get my deposit back; if I were losing money it's a no brainer we cruise. I keep flip flopping on this. After sleeping on it I woke up thinking there is no way we can miss this wedding for a vacation. Then I thought maybe I can see if I can reschedule for May 2012(kids get out of school mid may) but nope those prices are more then we can do. I'm still thinking. Luckily this sister won't be at Thanksgiving so I won't have to deal with it this holiday. When she finally does get around to telling me I can tell her that we already have this cruise booked and see how she reacts. Maybe I am making to much of this and she'll be "oh we'll miss you" and not be mad? I think I'll handle it like that since I can't make up my mind. Just see what happens. Like others have said his deployment has been changed 3 times already who's to say it won't change again? Thanks for all your encouraging words!!

 

[a1tinkfans]

I feel for you OP, not an easy situation to be in.
You sound VERY conflicted, which tells me, you "know" you should cancel and you"feel " bad....so if all this angst is already there...I say, see if you CAN change without cost to you, and IF there is any additional cost, then call you Sis and tell her, I already planned this vacation, already made calls and cannot lose money, I am sorry that I cannot make it...but hope to attend everything else (the shower etc) that I can...

and IF you think that'll fly, great, if not and it'll cause WW3 as you "think" it will, Id say, forgo the vacation....is WW3 really worth it....its you sis after all......
Hope it works out for you.....
and congrats to your nephew,

by the way, thanks for his service to this great country of ours and AMAZING dedicated people like Him!

 

[jessica52877]

I would go on the cruise, family does come first and to me that means my immediate family. You cannot help that they changed the dates. What if they get changed again.

 

[krcit]

I'd have to cancel/postpone the cruise. I wouldn't want to miss my nephew's wedding unless it was unavoidable. To each their own though, this is the kind of thing where you have to follow your heart.

 

[edk35]

I would keep your cruise dates. His military orders could change again. I grew up in a military family and married a military man.....things happen....things change. You might cancel....then find out your nephew has to change his wedding again.

 

[edk35]

Yep as long as I cancel before the paid in full date in March I can get my deposit back; if I were losing money it's a no brainer we cruise. I keep flip flopping on this. After sleeping on it I woke up thinking there is no way we can miss this wedding for a vacation. Then I thought maybe I can see if I can reschedule for May 2012(kids get out of school mid may) but nope those prices are more then we can do. I'm still thinking. Luckily this sister won't be at Thanksgiving so I won't have to deal with it this holiday. When she finally does get around to telling me I can tell her that we already have this cruise booked and see how she reacts. Maybe I am making to much of this and she'll be "oh we'll miss you" and not be mad? I think I'll handle it like that since I can't make up my mind. Just see what happens. Like others have said his deployment has been changed 3 times already who's to say it won't change again? Thanks for all your encouraging words!!

I didn't read this before I posted....but if his dates have changed three times.....no way would I change my dates. Friends of ours.....have had their orders for next summer....changed three times to three different countries. He is an O-5 .... so changes happen to even those that have been in over 20 years.

 

[LilyWDW]

I didn't read this before I posted....but if his dates have changed three times.....no way would I change my dates. Friends of ours.....have had their orders for next summer....changed three times to three different countries. He is an O-5 .... so changes happen to even those that have been in over 20 years.

I agree. When I first posted, I had no idea how the military part plays a role in it so I kept it out of the equation. Now with the information people have posted about the orders sometimes changing multiple times... well, my answer is the same (keep the trip) but for even more reasons now. It would really stink to change the vacation to accommodate the wedding only to have the wedding change AGAIN because his orders change.

I wouldn't change the trip. I would say "I am sorry, but we can not attend due to a prior commitment on the new dates." If the sister has a hissy fit, then so be it. Nothing you can do will change someone who is unable to understand that if you change the dates you may run into conflicts.

 

[HM]

The fact that you can't change the dates of your cruise without incurring more costs is what should lead you to go with your original plans, if not for any other reason. You've got the deal of a century. No way you'll get five of you cruising on the ship you want for that ever again. And as you said, you're oldest kids are growing older and who knows what will keep them from traveling with your family in the future, college jobs, internships?

 

[Bren's Mom]

If you have until March to cancel without penalty, I'd just leave things as they are for now and wait and see.

It's possible the date will change again, and if you've already canceled you will be very upset.

If the date still hasn't changed, you have at least had more time to try and find another week to switch the reservation to that won't cost you more money.

 

[39CINDERELLA]

If you do not go on your trip with your kids you will have regret for that. It will always be in the back of your head "what if". What if you cancel, and his date changes again? You will have lost out on your family time.

Quit worrying what your sister and other family members will think of you. Been there. done that. get over it. STOP stressing on it.