O/T What would you have done??

[fluffernutter]

Im really looking fror outside opinions on a family situation Im dealing with.

My husband's father lives in Puerto Rico in a nursing home. He got a call yesterday morning that he went back to the hospital,he now has pneumonia,2 weeks before that he went in for a blocked intestine,got better on meds and they released him back to the home. fast forward to yesterday when he all of a sudden has pneumonia. Later at 6pm we got a call that he was in critical condition and on a ventilator.
I quickly got my husband on a plane to PR last night into Ponce which is about 1 1/2 hrs drive away because there were no other flights from jfk to San Juan on any airline that I could find.
He is there now and his father is in a coma and they say its all in gods hand at this point, they said he caught some type of bacteria that got into his body and affected his lungs,and other organs,etc and it is a day to day thing.

I didnt go with my husband,it was such a quick thing,that we werent anticipating,I guess I just didnt give too much thought into it,the only thing on my mind was to get him there as fast a I could.
Should I have gone/go??

I will just tell you a little background info. I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and just miscarried 3 weeks ago and have two girls under the age of 3 . They have never been on a plane before and I cant see how I could do this trip myself.
the very little family (an aunt and uncle where he is staying)my dh has in PR dont speak any english and I would be staying with them.

I just feel very guilty mostly due to a family member saying I should be there and if it was her husbands father,she would be there,etc etc yet my sister who is saying this ,has no kids, and cant speak about my situation if she isnt in my shoes.
I feel I can be more of support to him here,Im on the phone with him every few hours,etc
I know Im rambling,I do feel guilty but I dont know if Im wrong .
I had asked my husband tonight,if he wanted me to come with the kids,and he said no,that he doesnt want to take any chance with them or me,and the bacteria that his father caught could be this MRSA thats in the news,etc etc
so Im just at loss right now,with everything that just happened to us with the baby and now his father,am I wrong in staying home with the kids
please dont pass judgement just give me honest opinions -pro and con

thanks for listening

 

[RumpleMom]

I can't believe you are second guessing yourself on your decision to not go.

You are doing the right thing by staying home with your children. Your children need you to recover your health, so you can care for them.

Support your husband, but take care of yourself and your children first.

 

[npmommie]

I think the fact that you discussed this with your husband and he wants you to stay put is your answer, It is your family and you do what is right for you. Honestly I would do exactly what you are doing in the same situation.
Don't worry about what other people say or think, they do not walk in your shoes,
hang in there!

 

[Princess Roo]

It sounds like YOU (most importantly) think the right place for you to be right now is at home and DH (2nd most importantly) agrees, so everyone else can just keep their opinion to themselves, as far as I'm concerned! In a perfect world, it would be easy for you to be with your husband right now for this, but that is not the situation that you have. It sounds like you're doing a GREAT job providing the best support for everyone that you can right now (DH over the phone and for the rest of of your family at home). And I am so very sorry for what a difficult few weeks this is for you and your family.

 

[ENSOCK]

You and your family are in my prayers. IMO you are doing the right thing. Just 3 weeks after your lost I don't blame you. You have to take care of yourself and your children. Pixie dust and prayers your way!

 

[MiniGirl]

I had asked my husband tonight,if he wanted me to come with the kids,and he said no,that he doesnt want to take any chance with them or me,and the bacteria that his father caught could be this MRSA thats in the news,etc etc

I think there is your answer right there -- assuming your dh would tell you if he really did want/need you there. Don't second guess yourself.

I lost both of my parents less than 6 months after I got married, and it was important to me to have my dh's support -- but not necessarily his presence. I liked being able to talk to him on the phone, but I liked him not being there while I took care of my mom. (My mom died 3 weeks after my dad. She was in the final stages of cancer and just sort of gave up after my dad died. After his death, I took a leave from work to care for her.) If he were there, I would've felt guilty for not paying enough attention to him or entertaining him enough. Crazy, I know, but that's how I would've felt.

Prayers for you and your family.

 

[2Kds2K9]

Been there, twice. I stayed back with the kids and my DH tended to his parents. It was best for all concerned. He felt he could focus all of his efforts on his parent at the time. He knew I was on the other end of the phone and would do whatever he needed. He also knew I was there to talk and lean on too. Once the parent passed and funeral arrangements were made, I came with the kids.

Your family is in my prayers.

 

[jodifla]

You shouldn't feel guilty. It's a huge expense to go that far. And with two small children! As long as your DH is OK on his own, that should be all that matters.

I do still feel bad about missing FIL's funeral. DS was only five weeks only when he died, and we didn't feel ready to travel with him across country, so I sent DH on alone.

 

[Merriwind]

Please don't feel guilty. DH feels better with you and the girls safe at home. Your DDs need you and you need to take care of yourself. Whatever ever happens with FIL, you are supporting your DH now and will probably be better able to support him when he returns by staying home.

Best wishes.

 

[Tammysue5]

Please do not feel bad. You have yourself and the kids to think about. Your DH feels that you are right where you should be.. so, let others say what they may. That is a long trip and I have seen some folks hang on for 'extended' periods of time. (1 day or 2 weeks? who knows)

Your husband is right it could be MRSA that your FIL is fighting. Not sure how the testing is done in PR.. but they should beable to find out very soon through simple lab tests if in fact it is MRSA.

Please feel comfort in your decision....you are doing exactly what we would do. Sending many thoughts your way.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree with the others, take your dh's advice and take care of yourself and the kids, and support him how you can. When my mom was sick this last year, it was much better for me NOT to have my family or at least my dh with me. I could focus 100% on my mother and during phone calls with my dh I could focus 100% on home. If you were to go, your dh may feel guilty about leaving his father and being with you and the girls. Since you would be staying with relatives that don't speak English, you may be uncomfortable and he may try to be there for you to. He needs to be with his dad.

Try not to feel guilty. If this is the end, you can prepare yourself to possibly go to the funeral when your dh will need you 100%. After focusing on making those last days good for his dad, letting him know that he is there, he will probably need the comfort of his family.

Kelly

 

[Mkrop]

I agree with everyone I think you can do a much better job supporting him where you are. He is not worried about you and the kids bc he knows that you are home and not in a stranger(yet family's home). He can concentrate on his dad and do whatever is necessary be it running around or just sitting by his bedside. Please concentrate on getting yourself better as wel. Your DH does not need the stress of worrying if you are ok. Get yourself better so you can be for him when he gets home or if you do have to eventually fly down there for a funeral. Is there someone that the kids could stay home with if eventually you need to go at a later date?

Also some people who have kids just dont get it, some do, but I know I didnt fully aprreciate all that traveling with kids involved before I had them.

 

[TXTurtles]

In cases like this no matter what you do SOMEONE is going to tell you that you're doing it wrong. My mom went through something similar with family members telling her what she should have done each time her mother got sick - it usually came down to something like "you're a horrible person because you didn't drop your family, your job, and $600+ you don't have to fly out to be with her every time she's sick or falls." The frustrating part? The people who told her this lived less than an hour from her mom. But did they drop everything to be with their sister? Nope. Didn't even visit a day or two latter. Just found someone else to drop the blame on.

So I guess what I'm saying is that you know the situation, those who criticize don't and so their suggestions aren't going to be good ones. And even if you listen and do what they ask - someone else is going to start telling you why you should stay home. From what you're saying it sounds like you've got a whole lot of very good, practical reasons to stay and a few good emotional reasons to go. In some cases emotions can win. When your health and the health of your little daughters are at stake, practicality sounds like a trump. But it still hurts and is frustrating. I'm with the others, staying sounds like the best solution, especially since you're husband sounds like he might deal with the grief and situations a little better without worrying about what you and the girls are exposed to. And it is ok, when people start clucking, to tell them "it's hard but we've weighed all the factors and decided I should stay. Let's talk about something else" and stick with it. Hugs to you during this very very rough time!

 

[grlpwrd]

yet my sister who is saying this ,has no kids, and cant speak about my situation if she isnt in my shoes.

Please consider the source and even so... you are healing and recovering.

Take care and my prayers are with your family

 

[disneygal2007]

U and your girls need to stay home. U just lost a baby and your dealing with that. If u go you can expose yourself and your kids to what ever is air born there. Plus with your babies not being able to speak the language can really confuse them. They will already feel out the loop cause there will be allot of talk that they don't understand. It will make it more confusing and scary to them if they have people coming up to them that they don't understand. Please stay home.


I am so sorry for your loss of your baby.
We have just gone through it ourselves not to long ago. God bless

 

[finz2left]

Huge Hugs! Don't second guess your decision. You and your husband are the ones who matter in this process -- not others who don't have a clue about what family life if like!

 

[bumbershoot]

My FIL died almost a year ago. He spent almost 2 months in the hospital, one thing going wrong after another (and most caused by the doctors, but I digress).

We got the call that he was in the hospital while we were on vacation. We couldn't see what good it would do to have me and DS go home, b/c DS wouldn't have been allowed in more than a few minutes at a time, and we don't have anyone to watch DS so I couldn't go more than DS...so we stayed at my brother's while DH went home.

Once it was time for our flight we went home, and it was just as I thought; there was no time for me to be there other than when DS was allowed in, so we just sat at home waiting for DH.

Since life goes on for small children, even though they might pick up on some of the mood and be a bit sad, they tend to just continue on as they were before. So if you went, you would be staying with a family who is dealing with your FIL's illness, and it would be hard on everyone. You couldn't do tourist things to amuse the kids b/c it wouldn't be right to do given the illness, so you'll be hanging out in the house. With people where there's a language barrier on both sides. That is NOT fun. My mother in law is Korean, and in the days after my FIL passed she had a million visitors from her temple, and no one chose to speak English for the benefit of me and DS, and it was very difficult for me. I didn't say anything, of course, b/c they weren't there for me, but since I was trying to help her out, it would have been nice to know what people were saying around me.

What I'm saying is that it would be stressful for everyone.

As nice as it sounds, to go and be there for him, especially in your situation it would be beyond crazy. And I'm sure that your FIL wouldn't want you to go, or bring the kids. I'm sure he knows that you all love him and are rooting for him.


The ventilator thing is rough...I hope the hospital personnel are kinder to your husband's family than they were to us, once FIL was on the ventilator.

 

[ArmyMom23]

I would not even stress this issue. I was on the other side of the fence when my mother passed away. My husband was in the hospital recovering from being injured in Afghanistan when my mom died. The hospital would allow him to travel to go to the funeral but I insisted that he stay, it was more imporant to take care of himself, I have never felt bad that he was not able to be there. You have to do what is bested for your family as long as you and your husband are on the same sheet of music it does not matter what anyone else is playing.

 

[TotalSnowWhite]

First, I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. My thoughts are with you!

Second, I'm sure your husband knows how much you care about him and his family and that you support him no matter where you are!

 

[perdidochas]

Im really looking fror outside opinions on a family situation Im dealing with.

My husband's father lives in Puerto Rico in a nursing home. He got a call yesterday morning that he went back to the hospital,he now has pneumonia,2 weeks before that he went in for a blocked intestine,got better on meds and they released him back to the home. fast forward to yesterday when he all of a sudden has pneumonia. Later at 6pm we got a call that he was in critical condition and on a ventilator.
I quickly got my husband on a plane to PR last night into Ponce which is about 1 1/2 hrs drive away because there were no other flights from jfk to San Juan on any airline that I could find.
He is there now and his father is in a coma and they say its all in gods hand at this point, they said he caught some type of bacteria that got into his body and affected his lungs,and other organs,etc and it is a day to day thing.

I didnt go with my husband,it was such a quick thing,that we werent anticipating,I guess I just didnt give too much thought into it,the only thing on my mind was to get him there as fast a I could.
Should I have gone/go??

I will just tell you a little background info. I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and just miscarried 3 weeks ago and have two girls under the age of 3 . They have never been on a plane before and I cant see how I could do this trip myself.
the very little family (an aunt and uncle where he is staying)my dh has in PR dont speak any english and I would be staying with them.

I just feel very guilty mostly due to a family member saying I should be there and if it was her husbands father,she would be there,etc etc yet my sister who is saying this ,has no kids, and cant speak about my situation if she isnt in my shoes.
I feel I can be more of support to him here,Im on the phone with him every few hours,etc
I know Im rambling,I do feel guilty but I dont know if Im wrong .
I had asked my husband tonight,if he wanted me to come with the kids,and he said no,that he doesnt want to take any chance with them or me,and the bacteria that his father caught could be this MRSA thats in the news,etc etc
so Im just at loss right now,with everything that just happened to us with the baby and now his father,am I wrong in staying home with the kids
please dont pass judgement just give me honest opinions -pro and con

thanks for listening

It's what your husband wants that counts. It's probably a whole lot easier for him to deal with his father without having to worry about you and your daughters.

I think you are right to stay at home with the kids.