not allowing an alcoholic to come for Thanksgiving

[kacaju]

I am asking my dear dis friends your opinion on this.

I have a brother who is 40ish and still lives with my Mom. He is an alcoholic. My mother enables him, myself and my other brothers enable him to a point.

I believe we enable him by always overlooking his shortcomings. I am tired of it. I am tired of his lies. I am tired of waiting until the morning of...or even an hour before a family event to see if he graces us with his presence.

In Oct he told my brother and wife he would come to their house for my nieces Birthday (and bring Mom) Last minute he decided not to come. Well, he was *nice enough* to drive Mom to their house (with her car I might add..god forbid he used his gas) and he dropped her off in front of the house...with my niece and nephew on the front lawn and then just pulled away...never said hi to them.

They are kids...under 10 they don't understand why their uncle did that.

my kids are older and they know he is an alcoholic.

So after that I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings

I spoke to my Mom yesterday. She is under the impression he is coming to my house for Thanksgiving.

I really just want to call him and leave a message (he never answers the phone) not to come.

I know I cannot change him. I am not trying to. I am just sick of him and how he treats my Mom.

The lastest...He owes her money..he pretty much gives her *rent* when he feels like it.

Well Mom was asking him for money and now he claims the car he bought from her 6 years ago (which he dumbed as soon as he could ) was not worth the money he paid her for it so he feels she *owes* him that money.

My brother sand I have had plenty of *fmaily* meetings trying to se ehow we can help mom. Everynoe agrees and knows he is an alcoholic and we all know we cannot change him...nor Mom enabling him.

BUT...here is why I am asking...first off no one will get truly mad at me for telling him not to come...but everynoe is feeling guilty and saying oh...we can't not invite him.

Like I said... I am so over this... I really do love my brother, but I feel that we all tiptoe around him and my toes hurt!! I am tired of the crap.

Would I be a terrible sister to call him and tell him not to come.

 

[Jex]

If he won't come if invited, why bother uninviting him. Also, you and your family can help him by stop enabling him.

 

[olwyngdh]

As long as it isn't going to upset your Mom, I would say tell him he isn't welcome.

 

[Agri]

You would not be a terrible sister.

It is your house and you should not have to put up with anything you do not want to - even if its from a relative.

 

[stsomewhere]

You would not be a terrible sister.

It is your house and you should not have to put up with anything you do not want to - even if its from a relative.

I agree!
i have a lot of smokers in my family. I have NEVER allowed them to smoke in my home. not the same as drinking...but, it is my house my rules.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Alcoholics aren't bad people because they are alcoholics. They are sick.

He sounds like he might not be a good person for other reasons, but being an alcoholic does not make him morally weak.

Still, I don't understand why you would uninvite him. If he is not making a scene when he actually is at your house, then why ask him not to show up? If your problem is that he has a tendency to let people down, just don't mention to anybody that he's coming. If he shows up, it's a surprise.

 

[MrsPete]

You're talking about a family celebration. I have a great deal of experience with alcoholic relatives, and I'd include him. NOT including him will be painful for other relatives, and it's not worth the emotional toll. Plus, you want him to understand that his family cares for him -- it's just his drinking that isn't acceptable.

I wouldn't give him money, let him live in my house for free, give him a reference for a job that'd make me look bad, provide him with clothing and other necessities that he could/should provide for himself . . . but I wouldn't leave him out of family events either.

Of course, I should mention that I wouldn't serve alcohol at Thanksgiving either. It's just not something that I personally would do, regardless of who's invited.

 

[Jennasis]

We all reach our breaking point eventually. You have to do what is right/best for you and your family. If that is not inviting your brother, then so be it. If it means inviting him but having no allcohol available at the house, so be it.

We don't get to pickour relatives in life, and I have few myself that I would not choose to associate with if I were not related to them.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Is the worst he is doing not showing up for family functions? Could it be that he is drunk and thinks it might be better to not show up like that or to talk to the niece and nephew in that shape?

I don't know, I would not bother making things worse by telling him he's not welcome. Is he going on alcoholic rages, being rude to people he's around...?

We have a close family member who is an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in 10 years. When he was drinking, we hated to see him like that but we would never have excluded him from a family function unless he was rude and belligerent. Yes, there were lies, awful situations he got himself into with drinking and driving (no one was hurt) but we loved him-even with his disease. We all feel we conquered his problem due in part to the love we showed him, while not enabling him. He has completely turned his life around after years of heavy drinking, is living life to the fullest, has moved out of moms house and gotten married.

The enabling has to stop, sounds like al-anon would be a great place for you and your family to start to understand alcoholism and your role in it.

 

[luvsJack]

I can relate in the fact that my brother is an alcholoic (he doesn't drink except at a bar, but he spends ALL of his time in bars). He rarely comes to family functions and seems to feel like the black sheep of the family.

We would never not invite him. He doesn't drink around any of us and he has never and would never cause a scene--which seems to be the same with your brother.

I don't approve of his lifestyle, but he didn't ask for my approval either.

 

[MickeySP]

How did my brother get in your family? I also have one just like yours, he treats my Mom like a doormat.

I have no siblings thank goodness so I was able to just finally voice it all. I had my Dad's lawyer(Dad is deceased) protect her assets. I am the executor of his estate and we generally cut him out & off.

No you have evry right not to subject yourself to his antics. The "however" in that is he is still your Mother's child. you need to be ready for her to stay home as well.

I tolerate my brother fo rher sake but it is oh so clear once she is gone - he is out of my life.

Good Luck.

 

[rebelstand]

Sometimes your life is better for saying "No, I don't want you here". It is a sad fact but if it's stresses you out on the holiday, why have the possibility of him showing up? The holiday should be about fun and thankfulness, not about someone's drinking mood swings!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am asking my dear dis friends your opinion on this.

I have a brother who is 40ish and still lives with my Mom. He is an alcoholic. My mother enables him, myself and my other brothers enable him to a point.

I believe we enable him by always overlooking his shortcomings. I am tired of it. I am tired of his lies. I am tired of waiting until the morning of...or even an hour before a family event to see if he graces us with his presence.

In Oct he told my brother and wife he would come to their house for my nieces Birthday (and bring Mom) Last minute he decided not to come. Well, he was *nice enough* to drive Mom to their house (with her car I might add..god forbid he used his gas) and he dropped her off in front of the house...with my niece and nephew on the front lawn and then just pulled away...never said hi to them.

They are kids...under 10 they don't understand why their uncle did that.

my kids are older and they know he is an alcoholic.

So after that I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings

I spoke to my Mom yesterday. She is under the impression he is coming to my house for Thanksgiving.

I really just want to call him and leave a message (he never answers the phone) not to come.

I know I cannot change him. I am not trying to. I am just sick of him and how he treats my Mom.

The lastest...He owes her money..he pretty much gives her *rent* when he feels like it.

Well Mom was asking him for money and now he claims the car he bought from her 6 years ago (which he dumbed as soon as he could ) was not worth the money he paid her for it so he feels she *owes* him that money.

My brother sand I have had plenty of *fmaily* meetings trying to se ehow we can help mom. Everynoe agrees and knows he is an alcoholic and we all know we cannot change him...nor Mom enabling him.

BUT...here is why I am asking...first off no one will get truly mad at me for telling him not to come...but everynoe is feeling guilty and saying oh...we can't not invite him.

Like I said... I am so over this... I really do love my brother, but I feel that we all tiptoe around him and my toes hurt!! I am tired of the crap.

Would I be a terrible sister to call him and tell him not to come.

Thanksgiving is not the forum to have an intervention imo. Yea, I get you are sick of him, it, & the whole enchilada. It is just not the place to make a stand.

Oh and stop with the interventions and other mess. If you want to help go to Al Anon. You sound like a person who does not "get it", truly.

Let people live their own lives, it is very freeing.

Oh and your story is pretty mild. Be thankful.

 

[Rora]

Honestly, I would invite him but would expect nothing.

If he comes, great, if not, fine.

 

[DebbieB]

How would your mother feel about this? That is the big question in my mind. If it would upset her that he was not invited, then I would not uninvite him. Holidays are not the place for bad feelings.

 

[eliza61]

Another sibling of a alcohol/drug abuser.

I invite my sibling to all family functions, he is a member of the family but he has to be clean and sober.

As for his life. I have tried to get substance abusers help before, as most support groups will tell you, no one but the abuser can change their life.

I do not enable. No money, no food, no couch to crash on. substance abuse is an illnes yes but they have the ability to destroy anyone and everyone around them. do not think otherwise.

 

[shortbun]

I think he's doing you a favor by not attending functions if he'd rather be drinking somewhere, he'd not be too pleasant if there. Seems that if you DO invite him, he doesn't show so if you DON'T invite him-will he come? Leave it alone, he'll probably no show anyway. If it were me, I'd be finding a recovery meeting somewhere filled with families and loved ones of addicts. There will be al-anon, acoa and other meetings filled this holiday season.

 

[Hannathy]

Still, I don't understand why you would uninvite him. If he is not making a scene when he actually is at your house, then why ask him not to show up? If your problem is that he has a tendency to let people down, just don't mention to anybody that he's coming. If he shows up, it's a surprise.

agree. I don't understand how having him for Thanksgiving is enabling him? It is a holiday dinner.

You have the right to tell him he can't come drunk or there will be no drinking at your house (then no one else can either) but why not to come?

You also can not like how he treats your Mom but she is a big girl and it is up to her whether she allows it or not, not you.

Invite them tell them what time dinner is and then what they do is up to them. You don't have to wait for him or make any special accommodations for him but I don't understand why you wouldn't invite him.

 

[VAN]

Based on the info you have given, I wouldn't bother telling him not to come. Just have no expectations for his appearance.

Aside from that, I also agree that Al Non (or the family support group) might be useful for your family to attend. It may be a way to educate yourselves on how you can stop enabling your sibling.

Not sure of the situation with your mother though. Is he sponging off your mother? Is she able to live on her own, both physically and financially? Are any of the other siblings willing to have her at their/your home? I'd definitely make sure your mother is looked after ... she does not need to, at this time of her life, deal with worrying about her own safety and/or financial future. If you feel there is either mental or physical abuse going on, you and your siblings definitely need to step up to the plate in that regard.

Anyway, hang in there ... we all "love" our siblings but it is very common that you might not "like" them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Based on the info you have given, I wouldn't bother telling him not to come. Just have no expectations for his appearance.

Aside from that, I also agree that Al Non (or the family support group) might be useful for your family to attend. It may be a way to educate yourselves on how you can stop enabling your sibling.

Not sure of the situation with your mother though. Is he sponging off your mother? Is she able to live on her own, both physically and financially? Are any of the other siblings willing to have her at their/your home? I'd definitely make sure your mother is looked after ... she does not need to, at this time of her life, deal with worrying about her own safety and/or financial future. If you feel there is either mental or physical abuse going on, you and your siblings definitely need to step up to the plate in that regard.

Anyway, hang in there ... we all "love" our siblings but it is very common that you might not "like" them.

In addition OP needs to understand "her role" in this and needs to learn how to disengage.

OP does not understand that by doing this to her sibling, she is actually only "hurting" her family in an attempt to berate her mother for enabling this situation.

Oh what tangled web we weave. OP, I truly truly, get "the place" you are at, I really feel for you.

However it is time for you to make the leap of faith and understand you are powerless against your brother's addiction and your mother's enabling.

Don't make your life about about their choices. If mom talks to you about your brother you need to learn how to tell mom to stop talking about it to you. In other words you need to learn the skills of disengaging.

When you "make a drama" like not inviting the brother, you are playing into the hand of the dynamic.

Now if he was evil, destructive, dangerous, then I would say ban him from your home. However you description of your brother is really not that situation from what you posted.