not allowing an alcoholic to come for Thanksgiving

[jmpurdy]

Thanksgiving is not the forum to have an intervention imo. Yea, I get you are sick of him, it, & the whole enchilada. It is just not the place to make a stand.

Oh and stop with the interventions and other mess. If you want to help go to Al Anon. You sound like a person who does not "get it", truly.

Let people live their own lives, it is very freeing.

Oh and your story is pretty mild. Be thankful.

Wow, you know it IS a big deal to OP. It isn't a 'mild' story at all. KInd of curt and I think OP 'gets it' just fine. There are many people in the exact same boat as this family. Different reason maybe, but conflicts that threaten to ruin a family get together. Agree that it should be dealt with before the holiday and not right before perhaps. If mom won't get on board with Al Anon, then you, OP, should go so you can feel ok to let your mother know that you are not going to participate in the enabling behavior anymore. It's really all you can do. And it may affect your relationship with your mother too for awhile. If you can do it, and stick with it, you should stand your ground for your own mental well being and that of your family. Best of luck whatever you decide.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow, you know it IS a big deal to OP. It isn't a 'mild' story at all. KInd of curt and I think OP 'gets it' just fine. There are many people in the exact same boat as this family. Different reason maybe, but conflicts that threaten to ruin a family get together. Agree that it should be dealt with before the holiday and not right before perhaps. If mom won't get on board with Al Anon, then you, OP, should go so you can feel ok to let your mother know that you are not going to participate in the enabling behavior anymore. It's really all you can do. And it may affect your relationship with your mother too for awhile. If you can do it, and stick with it, you should stand your ground for your own mental well being and that of your family. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Yes, but she needs to put things in perspective. I don't think she "gets it" at all.

 

[Disney Doll]

The fly in the ointment here is the enabling mother.

OP, until your mother stops enabling him, the situation will not change and it is something you have no control over, even if you hate it, hate the wayhe treats your mother, hate the way yourmother enables hhim and hate the way your mother allows herself to be treated.

So step away from that aspect of the situation. If your mother complains to you about alcoholic brother, the best thing you can do is say "Mom, when you are ready to learn how to dealwith the situation and not enable his alocholism, I will be happy to help you do so. Until then, you are part of the problem because by accepting his behavior as you do, he thinks it's OK to behave that way". And then change the subject.

As far as Thanksgiving...I wouldn't invite or not invite him. Sounds like he might not show anyway. If he does show, you have every right to expect a certain kind of behavior while he is in your home and you have every right to ask him to leave if he doesn't behave.

I had an uncle (now deceased) who was an alcoholic and I watched my mother struggle with it until she decided that it was time to stop the nonsense.

 

[krcit]

The fly in the ointment here is the enabling mother.

OP, until your mother stops enabling him, the situation will not change and it is something you have no control over, even if you hate it, hate the wayhe treats your mother, hate the way yourmother enables hhim and hate the way your mother allows herself to be treated.

So step away from that aspect of the situation. If your mother complains to you about alcoholic brother, the best thing you can do is say "Mom, when you are ready to learn how to dealwith the situation and not enable his alocholism, I will be happy to help you do so. Until then, you are part of the problem because by accepting his behavior as you do, he thinks it's OK to behave that way". And then change the subject.

As far as Thanksgiving...I wouldn't invite or not invite him. Sounds like he might not show anyway. If he does show, you have every right to expect a certain kind of behavior while he is in your home and you have every right to ask him to leave if he doesn't behave.

I had an uncle (now deceased) who was an alcoholic and I watched my mother struggle with it until she decided that it was time to stop the nonsense.

I agree with this. I had an alcoholic uncle who treated my grandma like dirt. It killed my mom to see that but all she could do was explain her feelings to my grandma and that's it. My mom refused to enable her brother but my grandma did, right up until she died.

 

[DisneyScraps]

Are we related? That could be my brother.

Here is how I would handle it. I would not uninvite him, chances are he might not come anyway and if you make that phone call you could be starting a lot of drama a few days before the holiday. I know it would be on with my family if I uninvited someone.

I have learned that I can not interfere in my brothers relationship with my Mother. She allows it and therefor she must be getting something out of it. I don't understand it but my getting all worked up over how my brother acts itsn't going to hurt anyone except myself. She doesn't get it nor does she want to. My words fall on deaf ears so I don't speak the any more.

Good luck with your family.....mine......well, they are MOVING to my town. I had a 600 miles buffer for the last 18 years but now and my Mom, crazy Uncle and alcoholic Brother are moving here in 2 weeks!

Lisa

 

[wilderness01]

Yes, but she needs to put things in perspective. I don't think she "gets it" at all.

Unless you personally know the OP, how can you know what she gets or doesn't get? What am I not getting?

 

[eliza61]

Unless you personally know the OP, how can you know what she gets or doesn't get? What am I not getting?

I think what Mystery machine meant (and I'm not her so I'm just injecting what I got from her post) is that op has to "get" that she cannot change anyone's actions.

I know as a sibling of a substance abuser one of the hardest things I had to do (and I had to literally move out of the city) was to accept that I could not, 1) save my brother, he must do that himself and 2) I could not force my parents to stop trying to save him.

I know a lot of times I would "react" to a situation or "do' some thing thinking I was "punishing or shameing" my sibling or forcing my parents "to see the light" when in reality I was probably just causing more ulcers for myself.

It is a very hard and I feel very sad when you realize that the people you love are self destructive and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

[wilderness01]

Thanks.

 

[TDC Nala]

Why uninvite him if he probably isn't going to show up anyway, just to make a point with him? Will that cause you problems with your mother? Would she defend him? Do you want that going on at Thanksgiving?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes.

 

[minkydog]

You can do what you want, but if you uninvite him prepare yourself for World War 3. Is this really want you want at the holidays? A huge family row? Cuz that's what you're gonna get. Your mom is enabling him because she wants to. She may say otherwise, but on some level she is getting something positive out of it. It sounds to me like he has sorta checked out on the family anyway, so why go to the bother of making a scene--you know that's how it will go, why do it?

I say, plan your nice dinner. Don't say anything specific to your brother. Let him show up or not show up, his choice. If he shows at the last minute, well, add a plate to the table. Wouldn't you do that if a friend showed up unexpectedly? If he doesn't show, well then, hurray But you all need to get out of this dance where everyone pretends that what's going on isn't really going on. If he acts out, then escort him to the door. If he gets drunk, take him home. You don't have to be burdened with his bad behavior.

 

[mamacatnv]

I think what Mystery machine meant (and I'm not her so I'm just injecting what I got from her post) is that op has to "get" that she cannot change anyone's actions.

I know as a sibling of a substance abuser one of the hardest things I had to do (and I had to literally move out of the city) was to accept that I could not, 1) save my brother, he must do that himself and 2) I could not force my parents to stop trying to save him.

I know a lot of times I would "react" to a situation or "do' some thing thinking I was "punishing or shameing" my sibling or forcing my parents "to see the light" when in reality I was probably just causing more ulcers for myself.

It is a very hard and I feel very sad when you realize that the people you love are self destructive and there is nothing you can do about it.

I got the same idea. My Bro is also an alcoholic and I can't fix him. On top of that if his wife wants to enable his behavior that is her business not mine and I have told her as much. My Bro is a total jerk when he is drinking which is pretty much 18 hours a day and I don't like him much but I would never ban him from a family event.

 

[Nik's Mom]

Well, the alcoholic/drug addicts in my family tend to be the mean, destructive type, so I would not want that in my home. Especially because I still have young children in my home.

Now, I don't know the whole story with the op and her brother. Op, is your brother a mean alcoholic that will totally ruin Thanksgiving for everyone? If so, then I'd say you are right in not wanting him to come. Also, op, you can't control how others are dealing with your alcoholic brother, but you can control the way you are handling it. Don't give money, etc

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why uninvite him if he probably isn't going to show up anyway, just to make a point with him? Will that cause you problems with your mother?

Yes it will and now you have hit why OP wants to do it. This should be her AHA moment.

She is attempting to "model" how you "not enable" or "punish" the brother however it just doesn't work like that with an addict/enabler dynamic.

It is a bond so strong that it is maddening. To say sane you have to "allow" people to live their life while at the same time following DisneyDoll's advice with learning how to redirect conversation.

Of course I am not talking about putting yourself in danger. That is a whole different discussion.

 

[smb6]

You're talking about a family celebration. I have a great deal of experience with alcoholic relatives, and I'd include him. NOT including him will be painful for other relatives, and it's not worth the emotional toll. Plus, you want him to understand that his family cares for him -- it's just his drinking that isn't acceptable.

I wouldn't give him money, let him live in my house for free, give him a reference for a job that'd make me look bad, provide him with clothing and other necessities that he could/should provide for himself . . . but I wouldn't leave him out of family events either.

Of course, I should mention that I wouldn't serve alcohol at Thanksgiving either. It's just not something that I personally would do, regardless of who's invited.

This pretty much sums up my thoughts also...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I think that you need to stop worrying about your mother's relationship with your brother. Unless you are helping her pay her bills, her decisions to help/enable him are none of your business. Now, if your mother complains about this to you, you should tell her that she has made her bed and that you do not care to discuss the matter further until/unless she is ready to change her behavior. Sometimes mothers need tough love, too.

As to the invitation/un-invitation - as others have suggested, nothing positive will come from an effort to un-invite him. Let it go.

 

[dislaney]

I would invite him and agree now is not the right time to take a stand.

 

[RitaE]

From your thread title I thought you would be asking if you should invite him if you thought there was a good chance he'd show up drunk. If that were the case - my answer would be no. Or at the very least I'd call him up and say "You are not welcome here if you have been drinking and if you show up in that condition you will be asked to leave."

Really seems to be your frustration about his relationship with your Mom and what he did awhile back with not showing up at your nieces.

I understand wanting to protect your Mother, but I think this is likely to backfire and she'll get mad at you.

Vaguely invite and maybe he won't show.

 

[scrapquitler]

I have a brother who is 40ish and still lives with my Mom. He is an alcoholic. My mother enables him, myself and my other brothers enable him to a point.

I believe we enable him by always overlooking his shortcomings.

On the other hand, don't YOU have some shortcomings that your family members overlook? Doesn't your MOm have some shortcomings, too? None of us are perfect. I think you can have him over and not be enabling him.

I have a BIL who is a drug addict. Supposedly he's not addicted now, but who knows? He's 35 and still lives at home, and the MIL makes all kinds of excuses for him. (It's not HIS fault, its a terrible sickness, according to her). We do still have him for the holidays because if we disinivited HIM, MIL wouldn't come and would say that we were alienating her from her grandchildren. But we've made it very clear that there will NOT be any drama in our home, in front of our children, or that will be the end of any of them in our house.

Would I be a terrible sister to call him and tell him not to come.

I think you have to consider the larger repercussions of doing this before you do it. Will it cause problems between your Mom and you? Is it worth it? Do you want to deal with that? Does your brother act okay while he is at your house? If he can suck it up and behave for a couple of hours and play by your rules, then why not? Just having him over for dinner doesn't mean that you are condoning his alcholism.

 

[s&k'smom]

I would only suggest you get yourself to Al-Anon. They are every night of the week and probably one at your local church or hall.