not allowing an alcoholic to come for Thanksgiving

[HOGFAN]

your brother must be my brother in law!! small world! IF DH and his brother dont get into a knockdown dragout it will be a surprise. BIL also lives with his enabling mother(my MIL). He is going to a pay-for-diploma school and not working parttime to help out. MIL told me he is so smart he is teaching the professors stuff yeah, right!. When I told him the CVS around the corner was hiring parttime, should have seen the look he gave me. Thursday he will do his usual, eat then go to bed. He treats his parents horribly and DH says he is not talking to him and will knock his lights out if BIL says anything disrespectul to the parents. Should be an interesting holiday.

 

[Katy Belle]

i think i know where you are coming from. It hurts. It hurts to be constantly stood up. It hurts to watch him disappoint the children of the family. It hurts to watch your mom be treated badly over and over and over. It hurts to walk on tip toe year after year. It hurts to have the focus be the one who is not treating people right. You feel like it sets the wrong example for the kiddos.
Been there.
No advice. Just

 

[kacaju]

i think i know where you are coming from. It hurts. It hurts to be constantly stood up. It hurts to watch him disappoint the children of the family. It hurts to watch your mom be treated badly over and over and over. It hurts to walk on tip toe year after year. It hurts to have the focus be the one who is not treating people right. You feel like it sets the wrong example for the kiddos.
Been there.
No advice. Just

THANKS that is exactly how I feel right now.

You have all given me food for thought, I will not uninvite him. If I am lucky he will have to *clean his room* like he did a few Easter's ago.

He is not a bad person, he is not a bad drunk. In fact you don't even notice he is here. He does not talk to anyone..sits quietly by himself, he does sit at the table, but sneaks away as we are all talking and you don't even realize he is gone. I do realize he is sick, honestly I do.

I am just tired of it all.

 

[LukenDC]

I'm of the opinion that the holidays are not the best time to confront the ongoing, unhealthy behavior of a family member. Holidays are stressful enough as is and you need to consider whether or not you want to add this additional layer of stress to your holiday.

 

[cepmom]

wow, I guess I'm in the minority because I wouldn't hesitate to not include my alcoholic brohter in our family functions. I have not invited him over in 2 years due to his alcohol/drug abuse and his lack of taking any respoinsibility for himself. he lost custody of his little girl and had all the opportunity in the world to get help but he didn't bother. he is not welcome in my life or around my family anymore

 

[happygirl]

I think you would do more harm if you tell him he can't tell. I think he needs his family support so he can get better. If he feels like an outcast that not going to help him

 

[Nik's Mom]

wow, I guess I'm in the minority because I wouldn't hesitate to not include my alcoholic brohter in our family functions. I have not invited him over in 2 years due to his alcohol/drug abuse and his lack of taking any respoinsibility for himself. he lost custody of his little girl and had all the opportunity in the world to get help but he didn't bother. he is not welcome in my life or around my family anymore

You aren't alone. I have addicts in my family who I no longer want to be around. There is only so much I can take, and if the person does not want to get help, what else can I do. The holidays are not a time for an intervention, but at some point, sometimes a family has to force the addict to hit rock-bottom. Sometimes that means cutting ties, as hard as that sounds.

 

[quasar4legs]

I don't have any personal experience with this situation but I can't imagine not inviting a sibling to a big family gathering.
Provided your brother was not going to be drunk I would want him to be with us on Thanksgiving.

In our family everybody comes to family functions including the out of control kids, the uncle that pretends to be a magician and a 94 year old aunt that recites poetry and sings.

Honestly, I can't imagine excluding someone but only you know what is right for you and your family.

Hope you can work out something

Quasar

 

[jmpurdy]

Yes, but she needs to put things in perspective. I don't think she "gets it" at all.

Kicking someone when their down to make oneself sound knowledgeable is pretty crass. OP move on from this non-helpful and mean spirited poster. Many others are giving you very good and kind advice.

 

[Polyluvr]

I don't have any personal experience with this situation but I can't imagine not inviting a sibling to a big family gathering.
Provided your brother was not going to be drunk I would want him to be with us on Thanksgiving.

In our family everybody comes to family functions including the out of control kids, the uncle that pretends to be a magician and a 94 year old aunt that recites poetry and sings.

Honestly, I can't imagine excluding someone but only you know what is right for you and your family.

Hope you can work out something

Quasar

Can I come to your family functions!?!? Sounds like soooo much fun!!!

A holiday is not the time to draw a line w a family member~ I wish you the best of luck; bur remember you love your brother.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Hi, I've not read the entire thread so I'm not sure if this has been said several times. My uncle passed away a few years ago at the age of 50 shortly after being diagnosed with esophageal cancer which he got from his alcoholism. He was often difficult to deal with and I often wished he was not at most family gatherings. Similarly to you, he lived with my grandmother (paying her rent here and there) till she passed away, and then with another relative for a few years after.

Despite all that, my family, especially my mom (his sister) and my uncle (his brother) would give anything to be aggravated by his drunken presence once again. It's not the same without him, no matter how annoying he seemed at the time.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, yes, you have every right to cut yourself lose from this relative and their self destructive addiction. Of course you do.
And, in fact, in a way, figuring out how to handle the grim reality that you have an addicted, self-destructive, brother and an enabling mother, is YOUR biggest personal challenge.

But, to be honest, I don't think now, 48 hours before Thanksgiving and the onset of Christmas, is the time to do this.
Not at all. (You say that he is not likely to ruin the whole holiday)

At this point, you would be creating pain and stress and drama around the whole holiday. This would NOT bode well for you.
Believe me.

Go forward with your current Thanksgiving plans.

Make a very, VERY, firm NEW YEARS RESOLUTION, a real commitment to go to Al-Anon, and to learn how to draw your boundaries and cut any ties during the coming weeks and months of the new year.

PS: I just happened to catch of a few minutes of Dr. Phil doing an interview on GMA (or similar show) this morning. It was about how to handle the holidays. The first and biggest thing that he wanted to stress to everyone, "The holidays are NOT the time for this kind of confrontation". I have to say that in this instance, I think he is right.

 

[Robindianne]

You aren't alone. Sometimes that means cutting ties, as hard as that sounds.

Ditto

Peace to you OP.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Kicking someone when their down to make oneself sound knowledgeable is pretty crass. OP move on from this non-helpful and mean spirited poster. Many others are giving you very good and kind advice.

Actually I was responding to your post. Nice to take my words out of context.

I was not "kicking the poster".

 

[bethy]

You're talking about a family celebration. I have a great deal of experience with alcoholic relatives, and I'd include him. NOT including him will be painful for other relatives, and it's not worth the emotional toll. Plus, you want him to understand that his family cares for him -- it's just his drinking that isn't acceptable.

I wouldn't give him money, let him live in my house for free, give him a reference for a job that'd make me look bad, provide him with clothing and other necessities that he could/should provide for himself . . . but I wouldn't leave him out of family events either.

Of course, I should mention that I wouldn't serve alcohol at Thanksgiving either. It's just not something that I personally would do, regardless of who's invited.

I totally agree with the above. As long as he will likely behave decently if he does show up then he would be welcome in my home for Thanksgiving - the ultimate annual family get together. If there's any time he should be invited it's for Thanksgiving.

 

[kacaju]

OP, yes, you have every right to cut yourself lose from this relative and their self destructive addiction. Of course you do.
And, in fact, in a way, figuring out how to handle the grim reality that you have an addicted, self-destructive, brother and an enabling mother, is YOUR biggest personal challenge.

But, to be honest, I don't think now, 48 hours before Thanksgiving and the onset of Christmas, is the time to do this.
Not at all. (You say that he is not likely to ruin the whole holiday)

At this point, you would be creating pain and stress and drama around the whole holiday. This would NOT bode well for you.
Believe me.

Go forward with your current Thanksgiving plans.

Make a very, VERY, firm NEW YEARS RESOLUTION, a real commitment to go to Al-Anon, and to learn how to draw your boundaries and cut any ties during the coming weeks and months of the new year.

PS: I just happened to catch of a few minutes of Dr. Phil doing an interview on GMA (or similar show) this morning. It was about how to handle the holidays. The first and biggest thing that he wanted to stress to everyone, "The holidays are NOT the time for this kind of confrontation". I have to say that in this instance, I think he is right.

THANK YOU!! The more I really think about it...we (my family) were at this exact point last year as well.
After Christmas last year i did look into Al Alnon..but then I got a job (started Feb 1st) so I quickly got wrapped up in my own life and he was *being good* again to Mom so I forgot about it.
I have spoken to my mom many times about not telling me his crap.... it only frustrates me to hear her carry on how she can't live with him and she needs him out of the house.
Two days later all is good because he washed a dish or emptied a garbage can for her and she backs off.

I have tried to get her back to Al-Alnon and she refuses to go.
(My dad was also an alcoholic) so her thinknig is she has been there done that she knows what they will say.
She had the strength to kick my Dad out and because of that he went to rehab and never drank again.
He came back home after he sobered up and he had done well. (he died of cancer 6 years ago)

 

[castmemberb4]

This is just my personal experience.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, I was by far younger than my siblings and by the time I was growing up my parents were seperated. They never divorced and my mother did a lot to help care for him, he could no longer drive. It was his choice not to live with us but my Mother truly still loved him, anyway most holidays she'd go get him and bring him to our house, there was no drinking at our house but he'd have had a few beforehand, he was never overly drunk though. There were years during my adolescence that I'd beg her not to go and get him, mostly it was just embarassing for me to have him around as I'd have friends there, some years she'd give in and not go get him. He died when I was 18.

Now as an adult it breaks my heart that we left him alone or with friends/neighbors on Holidays. He may not have even known what day it was
though most likely he did. I can never get back that time I didn't spend with my father and regret the loss now, no matter what the quality of time would have been.

I don't even have advice here, just want you to see this perspective.

 

[Nik's Mom]

OP, yes, you have every right to cut yourself lose from this relative and their self destructive addiction. Of course you do.
And, in fact, in a way, figuring out how to handle the grim reality that you have an addicted, self-destructive, brother and an enabling mother, is YOUR biggest personal challenge.

But, to be honest, I don't think now, 48 hours before Thanksgiving and the onset of Christmas, is the time to do this.
Not at all. (You say that he is not likely to ruin the whole holiday)

At this point, you would be creating pain and stress and drama around the whole holiday. This would NOT bode well for you.
Believe me.

Go forward with your current Thanksgiving plans.

Make a very, VERY, firm NEW YEARS RESOLUTION, a real commitment to go to Al-Anon, and to learn how to draw your boundaries and cut any ties during the coming weeks and months of the new year.

PS: I just happened to catch of a few minutes of Dr. Phil doing an interview on GMA (or similar show) this morning. It was about how to handle the holidays. The first and biggest thing that he wanted to stress to everyone, "The holidays are NOT the time for this kind of confrontation". I have to say that in this instance, I think he is right.

Great post! I think this sums up how I feel. You put it in a great way.

 

[ols386]

OP, yes, you have every right to cut yourself lose from this relative and their self destructive addiction. Of course you do.
And, in fact, in a way, figuring out how to handle the grim reality that you have an addicted, self-destructive, brother and an enabling mother, is YOUR biggest personal challenge.

But, to be honest, I don't think now, 48 hours before Thanksgiving and the onset of Christmas, is the time to do this.
Not at all. (You say that he is not likely to ruin the whole holiday)

At this point, you would be creating pain and stress and drama around the whole holiday. This would NOT bode well for you.
Believe me.

Go forward with your current Thanksgiving plans.

Make a very, VERY, firm NEW YEARS RESOLUTION, a real commitment to go to Al-Anon, and to learn how to draw your boundaries and cut any ties during the coming weeks and months of the new year.

PS: I just happened to catch of a few minutes of Dr. Phil doing an interview on GMA (or similar show) this morning. It was about how to handle the holidays. The first and biggest thing that he wanted to stress to everyone, "The holidays are NOT the time for this kind of confrontation". I have to say that in this instance, I think he is right.

I think this is great advice!

And I also agree with what Dr. Phil said.

 

[Andtototoo]

We all feel we conquered his problem due in part to the love we showed him,

OTOH, I had an uncle who finally admitted he had a problem and sought help after I refused to invite him to my wedding. For 20+ years, we had ignored his problem and his behavior. I was then an adult and I was not going to have my wedding affected by his behavior. So I refused to invite him. He was livid and forbade his wife -- his biggest enabler -- and kids from attending the wedding as well. My aunt was absolutely furious with me and called me every name in the book.

A few months later, he called me up to thank me for, as he said, 'kicking him in the keister." Sitting home on my wedding day and then hearing about our great day thereafter had gotten through to him because he finally had to face that there were consequences for his behavior. For some reason, that exclusion was the turning point.