Not about Disney, need advice from POC - Did I overreact to my kid being called by their race? (AITA)

[SonyaX]

I know this is the wrong place to ask for advice, but everywhere else, the kid or his parent might see and I don't want a giant Internet brouhaha. Plus Disboards people are usually cool folk.

I'm a Widow. My husband had non-white heritage. I don't. Hence my uncertainty. I don't want to be that white lady who overreacts because they don't understand the experience and perspective of POC. My kiddo looks like an average white protestant, and most people have no idea she is anything else.

I had recently started dating again. I was with a (white)guy who had a (white)son about my kiddos age. Things were going well. Then one day we were all four playing minecraft, when my kiddo does or says something (and I have no idea what it was anymore) and that boy said angrily "That's cause she's half *racename*!"

To be clear, it wasn't a rude word inherently, it was just a word usually used to describe a specific POC , but said in a rude derogatory manner, as if it explained why someone was awful.

The dad laughed it off awkwardly ("Yeah, that kind of stuff is why I'm worried about him." *awkward laugh*) and we played a little more. Afterwards my kiddo and I looked at each other incredulously. It was the first time she had ever been called that, in a rude, slur-like manner. We were both shocked and bothered.

I can't ask my late husband his opinion, and oddly my mother-in-law has been drinking the Fox news Kool-aid and thinks I'm just being oversensitive.

I broke up with the guy, as it just rubbed me the wrong way and I realized I didn't want his kid in my house, or hanging out with my kid. Especially if the dad just laughs this stuff off. Shouldn't it be more of a serious discipline talk event if your kid does that?

Am I the A$H for breaking things off or should I be more undersanding about what is possibly just dumb teen behavior? Can any POC give me some advice?

 

[starlite_]

You did the right thing, that kid is racist and the dad just brushed it off instead of disciplining him or even telling him to apologize. You're a good mom.

 

[fly girl]

I know this is the wrong place to ask for advice, but everywhere else, the kid or his parent might see and I don't want a giant Internet brouhaha. Plus Disboards people are usually cool folk.

I'm a Widow. My husband had non-white heritage. I don't. Hence my uncertainty. I don't want to be that white lady who overreacts because they don't understand the experience and perspective of POC. My kiddo looks like an average white protestant, and most people have no idea she is anything else.

I had recently started dating again. I was with a (white)guy who had a (white)son about my kiddos age. Things were going well. Then one day we were all four playing minecraft, when my kiddo does or says something (and I have no idea what it was anymore) and that boy said angrily "That's cause she's half *racename*!"

To be clear, it wasn't a rude word inherently, it was just a word usually used to describe a specific POC , but said in a rude derogatory manner, as if it explained why someone was awful.

The dad laughed it off awkwardly ("Yeah, that kind of stuff is why I'm worried about him." *awkward laugh*) and we played a little more. Afterwards my kiddo and I looked at each other incredulously. It was the first time she had ever been called that, in a rude, slur-like manner. We were both shocked and bothered.

I can't ask my late husband his opinion, and oddly my mother-in-law has been drinking the Fox news Kool-aid and thinks I'm just being oversensitive.

I broke up with the guy, as it just rubbed me the wrong way and I realized I didn't want his kid in my house, or hanging out with my kid. Especially if the dad just laughs this stuff off. Shouldn't it be more of a serious discipline talk event if your kid does that?

Am I the A$H for breaking things off or should I be more undersanding about what is possibly just dumb teen behavior? Can any POC give me some advice?

I am white so I am not who you are directing the questions to, but I will say if it gave both you and your daughter a huge pause, that should suffice. You're following your instincts, it didn't pass the smell test.

If a teenager says that without batting an eye in front of someone, imagine what is said behind closed doors?

 

[wilkeliza]

NTA.

The ex's child said something racist and instead of addressing it and correcting them the father laughed it off. The child probably heard that from their father. You saved your child from a possible hostile living situation if things has progressed with that man and his child.


(Edit to add not POC but am Jewish and I would not continue to date someone if they laughed off their child saying "it is because they are half jewish")

 

[Goldelpack]

Although I personally am just plain "white" - I very gratefully have a fully mixed race (& religion) family and over the years have heard about or experienced some very disturbing (though usually innocent) comments. In other words - they were not necessarily meant to be derogatory or racist - but something about how it was phrased, or the context, or something would make it not feel right. And for the most part - this was a very good indicator of how that person's thought process worked.
Bottom line - if you felt some type of way about it - go with your feeling.

 

[Magical2017]

Kids will say things, but then a discussion should occur. I am a mixed race person and in my experience, letting things like that go make the kid think it's okay. It is up to you whether or not to continue the relationship, but there will need to be open and honest dialogue and not just once. It is not your job to make the dad feel comfortable about an uncomfortable topic.

 

[Karin1984]

I would not just be worried because the kid probably picked the word up from family (how old are the kids?) and apparently can use it casually.

I am more thinking: who told the child your kid is mixed race? If she resembles a white protestant, someone must specifically told the child about this. Did you discuss it with your ex? Or did he see pictures of you with your deceased husband?

 

[CynBeth]

You did the right thing, that kid is racist and the dad just brushed it off instead of disciplining him or even telling him to apologize. You're a good mom.

I am white and completely agree.

 

[Minnesota!]

I think the fact that the kid felt comfortable enough to say it, and the dad did not immediately correct him....good call on moving on. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who pull that crap.

 

[BrianL]

Yeah, I think you're okay on this too (I am white though). It's not necessarilly a problem to say that someone is half-race if it is merely a description, but it sounds as if it were being used to explain a bad move in the game, as if that should contribute to ability. The father's reaction gave you pause, and it's probably best to trust your instincts. If it were a serious relationship, I might say it's worth discussing it with the guy, but you know, the kid picked it up somehwere. If he had been quick to jump in and correct the kid, that would be a different story.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I know this is the wrong place to ask for advice, but everywhere else, the kid or his parent might see and I don't want a giant Internet brouhaha. Plus Disboards people are usually cool folk.

I'm a Widow. My husband had non-white heritage. I don't. Hence my uncertainty. I don't want to be that white lady who overreacts because they don't understand the experience and perspective of POC. My kiddo looks like an average white protestant, and most people have no idea she is anything else.

I had recently started dating again. I was with a (white)guy who had a (white)son about my kiddos age. Things were going well. Then one day we were all four playing minecraft, when my kiddo does or says something (and I have no idea what it was anymore) and that boy said angrily "That's cause she's half *racename*!"

To be clear, it wasn't a rude word inherently, it was just a word usually used to describe a specific POC , but said in a rude derogatory manner, as if it explained why someone was awful.

The dad laughed it off awkwardly ("Yeah, that kind of stuff is why I'm worried about him." *awkward laugh*) and we played a little more. Afterwards my kiddo and I looked at each other incredulously. It was the first time she had ever been called that, in a rude, slur-like manner. We were both shocked and bothered.

I can't ask my late husband his opinion, and oddly my mother-in-law has been drinking the Fox news Kool-aid and thinks I'm just being oversensitive.

I broke up with the guy, as it just rubbed me the wrong way and I realized I didn't want his kid in my house, or hanging out with my kid. Especially if the dad just laughs this stuff off. Shouldn't it be more of a serious discipline talk event if your kid does that?

Am I the A$H for breaking things off or should I be more undersanding about what is possibly just dumb teen behavior? Can any POC give me some advice?

How does a Protestant look?

 

[Moliphino]

How does a Protestant look?

They probably meant like WASP. Your stereotypical upper class white preppy sort of person.

 

[mjkacmom]

How old are the kids?

 

[ronandannette]

Yeah, I think you're okay on this too (I am white though). It's not necessarilly a problem to say that someone is half-race if it is merely a description, but it sounds as if it were being used to explain a bad move in the game, as if that should contribute to ability. The father's reaction gave you pause, and it's probably best to trust your instincts. If it were a serious relationship, I might say it's worth discussing it with the guy, but you know, the kid picked it up somehwere. If he had been quick to jump in and correct the kid, that would be a different story.

I was thinking this exact thing. This has never happened to me so I can’t know for sure, but I think I would have confronted the kid’s bigotry and held his feet to the fire about want exactly he meant. Made him explain, out loud, what negative characteristics he thinks people of that race have and why he has those ideas. Teachable moment lost. Does a kid that age even understand that such thinking is racist? So many people lead with “I’m not a racist...” then go on to exhibit that they hold ideas like this.

An interaction like this may well have been the end of the relationship anyway, but maybe it would have rattled Dad’s cage enough to address it with the son. If it were me and my kid randomly came out with something this startling, I’d damn straight want to be getting to the bottom of it and making the necessary corrections.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Average white Protestant? Sounds like you have your own issues.

 

[Christine]

Kids will say some dumb stuff--always pushing boundaries--but dad should have corrected him immediately. He did laugh "awkwardly" so I'm sure he knew--and maybe he had a discussion later, but doesn't sound like it.

I would be forgiving of the kid's dumb remark but sounds like the adults going forward might not see eye to eye on basic things like that so maybe no future there anyone.

Personally I would have probably had a longer discussion with the guy to see where he's at on this but i probably give people too much leeway.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I'm thinking referring to your own kid as looking like "a white Protestant" isn't a whole lot better. Sorry it comes across to me as just really inappropriate in so many ways.

 

[tzolkin]

At first, I thought you were talking about children (like maybe 5) not a teenager. That is ridiculous and he absolutely should know better.

If it had been a small child, I would have discussed it with the parent. But, I would have absolutely no hesitation calling a teenager out immediately for saying something racist or inappropriate. The fact that the father just shrugged it off would have also been the end of the relationship for me.

I'm thinking referring to your own kid as looking like "a white Protestant" isn't a whole lot better. Sorry it comes across to me as just really inappropriate in so many ways.

I think she said it for context. My husband is native, but we may mention that he "looks white" if it was relevant to a story. People often say lots of racist things in front of or directly to someone when they assume that person is a particular race based solely on their appearance.

I think it was relevant that the OP mentioned that her daughter appears white because it's likely the dad was talking to his son about her child's race before they came over to the house for him to even know that information to use it to try to insult her.

 

[mjkacmom]

I am white so I am not who you are directing the questions to, but I will say if it gave both you and your daughter a huge pause, that should suffice. You're following your instincts, it didn't pass the smell test.

If a teenager says that without batting an eye in front of someone, imagine what is said behind closed doors?

How do you know it’s a teen?

 

[DisneyHardin]

How do you know it’s a teen?

The OP, in her last line says "Maybe it was just dumb teen behavior"