Good morning Gnomies!!!! Now, I know I owe you all an explanation of my "life-changing" weekend, and I am about to embark on the adventure of sharing that with you all in just a second---but I do want to put out this one disclaimer......it was life-changing for me, you might read and think that it is not earth-shattering in the least, but it sincerely has created a major change in me. I also want to throw out this disclaimer that what I am about to discuss involves my religion---just a tiny bit---and although I usually don't like to bring religion into conversations because it tends to cause conflict and division, it is necessary to understand what happened. Please take no offense by what I share---because none is meant by what I have shared. I was born and raised Catholic, so this is the religion that I practice, but I have the utmost respect for all religions and non-religious beliefs---this is just how I was raised and what I know, and what "works for me!"
Okay---so "here's the story...."
About a month ago, an aquaintance of mine from Megan's preschool invited me to take part in our Church's biannual Women's Renewal weekend---it is a two-day women's retreat focusing on pampering and taking care of the women in our parish as well as helping the women renew or refresh themselves however we might need it. We are girlies here---we know how exhausting the demands of being a wife, mother, woman in this world are all too well. The concept is to provide some relief from all these roles and duties and give us a chance to focus on ourselves----I KNOW, AMAZING huh?!?!?!? I was at first hesitant to go because although I wouldn't mind the pampering, I didn't want to work on my relationship with God for reasons I will explain. Anyway, she kept persisting in her recruiting though, so I relented and signed up to go with MUCH HESITATION. The weekend was the most relaxing one I have had in SUCH a long time---from the moment I arrived I had people carrying my bags, cooking and providing all my food, cleaning up after everything, and just generally taking care of ALL my physical needs! You feel incredibly pampered, and as a woman, I think it was so nice to experience this for a change. When it came to the aspect of working on my relationship with God though, I was still hesitant......at first. As I said, this was the part I was NOT looking forward to---ever since Megan was born, "The Big Guy" and I have not been on the best terms. I have been very angry over everything that happened at the time of her delivery---not only was I upset for bringing me so close to dying, but Megan too. When you experience such a traumatic near-death experience, it definitely changes you---you can't help but realize how brief and fragile life is, and you do begin to fully appreciate everyday you have here, but I unfortunately looked at the whole situation as "Why Me?" "What did we do to deserve this?"---you know the whole, "we are good people, why have you betrayed/forsaken us" mentality. As Megan's complications grew, my bitterness towards God only grew---"how could he punish/torture a child so small, so innocent?" So, over the past five and half years, my relationship with God has crumbled and there has just been a lot of anger growing over what didn't happen, what we couldn't have (more kids), what was going on in our lives that has really brought me down. To add even more fuel to the fire, we also were dealing with the fact that no one around us could understand our grief---I have heard enough "just get over it and move on"s to last a lifetime---and we even had to endure some pretty nasty and shrewd attacks by very close friends for not being willing to try to have more kids, for supporting the organization that saved our lives (March of Dimes), and for not understanding all of Megan's issues and problems. It has just plainly put, been a rough 5 years as you can imagine. I was in no way going to expose myself and share this with anyone on this weekend, but they were relentless. I was being taken care of by the most giving, supportive, and caring group of women I have ever met (honestly, it reminded me alot of you girlies!) and they were relentless in trying to break down the wall I had built up. I had the most intense, nuturing, and uplifting conversations with these women and our pastor at our parish this weekend about all of this---obviously I am not going to go into depth about it all, but let me just say that over the course of those two days, they finally got me to tear down the wall, share all I was feeling and dealing with, and counselled me in the most loving manner. They helped me realize that a lot of what I have been dealing with is likely linked to Post-traumatic stress, and they allowed me to grieve for the first time all that I have "lost" over these five years---the completion of my pregnancy, all the idyllic notions associated with that, the ability to have more children, and the closeness to those friends that have wounded me so much by their words and actions. They have also helped me see that I have not been "left behind or forsaken," and that I need not believe anymore that God had turned his back on us---like so many of my friends have lead me to believe. (They have made us feel like we are BAD Christians because we aren't trying to have anymore children.) Anyway, I left there feeling so much better and having such a change in perspective on our situation. Yes, Tom and I would have loved being blessed with a horde of children, but that was not in the plan, and that is okay! I think I have been blessed with the MOST AMAZING daughter, and that is good enough for me. I can't verbalize or explain all that happened this weekend, but just know that a great hole in my heart has been healed---permanently!!! I feel incredibly refreshed and restored, and no longer feel tortured or forsaken. I hope I haven't offended anyone by what I have shared---you wanted details, so I wanted to deliver them to you all without seeming "preachy" or make anyone feel uncomfortable. If I have, please forgive me because that was not my intent. We all are on separate journeys in this life---mine involved dealing with this since my faith is a part of who I am and my upbringing. But I completely realize that faith is not a part of everyone's journey---that is what makes our world so completely beautiful and unbelievable---we are all so different.......okay, maybe there is a HUGE tie that binds those of us on this thread, and I have often felt like CP and I have been separated at birth by our similarities, but I digress. I love all you girlies, and I hope as you read my story, you merely saw it as a story of healing and hope, and not some religious rant---because it DEFINITELY was not that! I literally FEEL better....as if some invisible weight has been removed from my shoulders that has been dragging me down over the past five years. I am so in love with my life, my family, my friends, my DISgirlies, etc.---the joy is overwhelming!!!
)
..... July trip...officially cancelled
.... I got the job!!!
.... I can now really get to planning for September and stop debating 'what ifs'
She wants me to upgrade it before she gets there that way we don't have to mess around with it once she arrives which is fine by me. I priced out a flight for her today and told her how much it would be to upgrade the ticket, so I am hoping that she says yes for sure soon. I need to plan afterall. 
The peace is palpable and I feel it spreading to my hubby, and all is good!
