No gift on Mom's day?

[NMAmy]

I don't have teens yet, so this may seem naive.

BUT-At what point does a child think they can get away with saying "I hate you"? I know, never say never, but I can guarantee you, if my child told me they hated me, they would NOT be having 12 girls over for a sleepover party. That just seems so out of control.

Do all teens get like this? I can imagine a bit of an attitude, but the blatant disrespect? Right to a parent's face?

Is it possible for teens and parents to live in harmony? I guess I have visions of grandeur. They will be old enough to enjoy nice restaurants and shopping. They will want to travel to places other than WDW (shhh--I know But I would like to do Europe). We can spend a year visiting college campuses and filling out applications. Bringing their friends home to hang out or do school projects, while I order pizza and pass out the Cokes? Mother daughter spa days? Is this all a silly dream?

Oh, I wish it were like that! Sort of like the idealized version of the toddler I visualized dd becoming when she was still a little baby.

Don't get me wrong--there are times when dd is just a blast to hang around with. But, for the last month or so--yeah, the disrespect is pretty blatant. Grounding works but then I'm stuck with her in the house with me 24/7. Yes, we bite the bullet and do it anyway, but it's just as much a punishment for DH and I as it is for dd.

 

[Mishetta]

It isn't only teen girls. I have a 15 yo son who is quite a challange!

Oh, I don't even want to think of what my DS will be like at 15 since he already has such a nasty disrespectful attitude. My DS (10) has a sense of 'entitlement" already! He feels we 'owe' him things. Also, he TELLS me what he's gonna do instead of 'asking' me. Yesterday in fact, he finished his homework, got up & says to me "bye, I'm going to Andrew's house..." I was stunned! I said "since when don't we ask anymore?" He just looked at me with one of his bored looks & that's when I said "no, you won't be going there at all today. Next time you'll ask me instead of tell me that you're going!" (Where is that MAD smiley face??) KIDS!!!

WHERE IS THAT MANUAL WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET WHEN WE HAD THEM??!!!

 

[mickeyfan2]

My 15 y/o DD informed me last weekend that I would not be getting a gift from her this mother's day. She is impossible to get along with these days but I do try hard with her. Her older brother is gone and on his own, so she is alone at home with us. She stays in her room with the door closed most of the time. The thing that led to her not getting me a gift was something silly. We were actually driving in the car last sat when she started with the bad attitude. When I asked her to stop and pointed out how hurtful it was, she screamed "this is why I hate you" Then she said she would not be getting me a gift or card. Resentfully I told her that was ok with me. Now she is saying that I OK'd no gift for mom's day so there will be no gift. I can't even talk about this w/o crying. I have only spoke about this with my DH and her adult brother. I just feel so bad that she acts like this and is so uncaring. PLUS, mother's day is also her 16th birthday! We have gifts for her and the whole nine yards inlcuding a sleepover party for 12 the day before.

If it was me I would be canceling the party/sleepover and returning all the gifts and disposing of the card. 16 is old enough to get it. Repect is a two way street.

 

[VSL]

Agree with mickeyfan2.

I don't, personally, 'get' Mother's Day (or Father's Day - although I still get gifts for my parents..) - isn't it all just a card shop thing? - but her attitude stinks.

Unfortunately, the teenage years are vile and her attitude will probably stink for a few years yet, but that doesn't mean that you should still allow her major treats.

 

[redshoes]

The old cliche, "We always hurt the ones we love" comes to mind. What a horrible thing for her to say and do and she needs to understand how badly she hurt your feelings. At 16 years old she has the concept that words can be used as weapons and she needs to understand that what she has said and done is not acceptable. I would ask her how she would feel if because of her actions you decided not to acknowledge her birthday and see what she has to say. Put the ball in her court and at the very least let her think about how hurtful she was and that her words can really come back and bite her in the butt.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I always find these topics interesting. We have a DS(14), & I often tell my DH we're doing him a disservice by letting him by with too much. Thankfully, he doesn't yell at me or tell me he hates me, etc. yet, but he's the king at totally ignoring me when I ask him to do something. He also thinks he's the most intelligent person alive. I tell him I can't figure out he was born with a high IQ, when his parents are obviously such idiots. He will argue anything with me, social & political issues, etc. It finally comes to a point that I have to tell him "Enough, this topic is closed." DH pretty much thinks everything he does is because he's normal teenager & ignores it. I'm left to be the nagging parent, which isn't a fair position for anyone to have to fill. However, if it comes to a point of him being disrespectful toward me, my DH will step in & put him in his place.

I'm sorry, but I just don't buy this "typical teenager" argument. No offense to anyone, except my DH maybe. I just turned 38 this month, so I'm not exactly that old school. I grew up in a house with 6 girls. If any of us had ever talked back to our mother in any way, we knew we would have had to deal with dad's wrath. My dad was the most loving, kind man in the world, until someone crossed my mom. Let's just say, it wasn't a smart thing to do. It never would have occurred to me to argue with her or tell her I hated her. Like one poster mentioned, if I'd thought it, I would have kept it to myself. My DH & I recently took a trip, & allowed our DS to stay with friends, because he didn't want to go. I have since regretted that, because my parents would never have allowed us to opt out of a family vacation. In our home, our parents demanded respect & they received it. Both of my parents are gone know, but I've always said I had the best parents ever. I have nothing but love & admiration for them, & wish I could be 1/2 as good a parent.

I'm sad to admit it, but I really don't think our "new" way of parenting works. People can say anything they want about the virtues of "time out", etc. I really think we're deluding ourselves. Kids aren't respectful toward adults like they were 20 years ago. We have to ask ourselves, "What has changed?" I'm as guilty as anyone else. The older my DS gets, the more I realize I'm not doing him any favors. I just wish I had the will power to change my parenting methods. I now realize all those parenting magazines I read are full of it. Everywhere I go, I see that other parents have read the same junk. It shows in their kids too. When is everyone going to admit that our "enlightened" way of parenting just isn't working?

Sorry, for the rant. I really have been thinking about this a lot in the last few years, & needed to get my thoughts out there. OP, this wasn't directed at you in any way. If anything, I'm trying to talk myself into doing better.

 

[Disney Doll]

If it was me I would be canceling the party/sleepover and returning all the gifts and disposing of the card. 16 is old enough to get it. Repect is a two way street.

Had I had the nerve at the age of 15 or 16 to behave in this manner toward my mother, I can tell you that the last thing I would have been getting would have been a party or gifts.

If your kids are disrespectful, it is because you are allowing it. If your kids have a sense of entitlement, it is because you are instilling it.

 

[jimmalru80]

Count me in as "Old School". I'm 48 years old and the father of twin DD's, now 16. DS is 22. DW and I have always preached that "Life is Choice and Consequence", and our children are fully aware of what that entails. The girls are old enough to drive a vehicle w/ their permits, have cells phones, computers, I-Pods and the like, and they are old enough to have respect for their mother. While I do not condemn anyone elses choice of how they would handle this situation, that party would be history. We could "celebrate" the birthday as a family, but that is where we would draw the line.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I always find these topics interesting. We have a DS(14), & I often tell my DH we're doing him a disservice by letting him by with too much. Thankfully, he doesn't yell at me or tell me he hates me, etc. yet, but he's the king at totally ignoring me when I ask him to do something. He also thinks he's the most intelligent person alive. I tell him I can't figure out he was born with a high IQ, when his parents are obviously such idiots. He will argue anything with me, social & political issues, etc. It finally comes to a point that I have to tell him "Enough, this topic is closed." DH pretty much thinks everything he does is because he's normal teenager & ignores it. I'm left to be the nagging parent, which isn't a fair position for anyone to have to fill. However, if it comes to a point of him being disrespectful toward me, my DH will step in & put him in his place.

I'm sorry, but I just don't buy this "typical teenager" argument. No offense to anyone, except my DH maybe. I just turned 38 this month, so I'm not exactly that old school. I grew up in a house with 6 girls. If any of us had ever talked back to our mother in any way, we knew we would have had to deal with dad's wrath. My dad was the most loving, kind man in the world, until someone crossed my mom. Let's just say, it wasn't a smart thing to do. It never would have occurred to me to argue with her or tell her I hated her. Like one poster mentioned, if I'd thought it, I would have kept it to myself. My DH & I recently took a trip, & allowed our DS to stay with friends, because he didn't want to go. I have since regretted that, because my parents would never have allowed us to opt out of a family vacation. In our home, our parents demanded respect & they received it. Both of my parents are gone know, but I've always said I had the best parents ever. I have nothing but love & admiration for them, & wish I could be 1/2 as good a parent.

I'm sad to admit it, but I really don't think our "new" way of parenting works. People can say anything they want about the virtues of "time out", etc. I really think we're deluding ourselves. Kids aren't respectful toward adults like they were 20 years ago. We have to ask ourselves, "What has changed?" I'm as guilty as anyone else. The older my DS gets, the more I realize I'm not doing him any favors. I just wish I had the will power to change my parenting methods. I now realize all those parenting magazines I read are full of it. Everywhere I go, I see that other parents have read the same junk. It shows in their kids too. When is everyone going to admit that our "enlightened" way of parenting just isn't working?

Sorry, for the rant. I really have been thinking about this a lot in the last few years, & needed to get my thoughts out there. OP, this wasn't directed at you in any way. If anything, I'm trying to talk myself into doing better.

I quoted your entire post because I thought it deserved a second read. I too think a lot of the parenting magazines are full of "it".

 

[NMAmy]

I'm sad to admit it, but I really don't think our "new" way of parenting works. People can say anything they want about the virtues of "time out", etc. I really think we're deluding ourselves. Kids aren't respectful toward adults like they were 20 years ago.

I know my mother would disagree with you on that last line. My parents were in no way lenient toward us growing up and yet we still were disrespectful and rude at times. In fact, she thinks it's hilarious that I'm now going through what she did. I do have a lot more compassion for her situation now than I did then. She went through it with all three daughters. Seriously, I don't know how I'm going to get through it ONCE.

This kind of thing has been going on forever. Here's a quote from Socrates that I always dig out for these threads: "The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."

 

[Mom_]

Yes, I think I may cancel the party. It makes me feel very bad though that she is acting like this and ruining her own 16th birthday. She will take a huge fit and screamed hate comments. It is so bad with her that she will not even shut off her computer if I tell her too. She just screams and tells me to get out of her room. My DH remains neutral most of the time. He has reined her in a few times but she screams at him too. She has him wrapped around her finger. She can turn on the tears at will. He is usually not home when she pulls this and hears about it second hand. She talks over me while I'm speaking to him. I just want her to get her head on straight before she leaves for college in 2 years.

 

[kirbsam]

i think most of us that have teenagers, are thinking to themselves, that i would never have said that to my parents. it just wasnt allowed. i would have said it once, and that would have been it. parents have total control over there kids. they buy there food, they cook for them, they do their wash. your daughter will be driving soon. if she were mine there would be no way she would be getting a drivers license until she shapes up. get over the guilt and get tough. even thinking about giving her a party is ridiculous. you hold all of the cards. enough with the coddling. sorry if this seems harsh, but she needs a lesson. and you need to teach it to her. her behavior is unacceptable.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I worked with a guy whose daughter would always slam her bedroom door. One day he could not take it anymore. She slammed it and he told her to stop. She said she did not slam it. He went to the garage and got a screw driver. Returned to her room and removed the door. When she asked him why he said it must be broken, since it keep slamming itself, so he was taking it to the garage to fix. It was in the garage for weeks and she had no door. Finally she came and asked for her door back. She promised not to slam it again. He put the door back. From what I last heard, she stopped slamming the door.

 

[SC Minnie]

Yes, I think I may cancel the party. It makes me feel very bad though that she is acting like this and ruining her own 16th birthday. She will take a huge fit and screamed hate comments. It is so bad with her that she will not even shut off her computer if I tell her too. She just screams and tells me to get out of her room. My DH remains neutral most of the time. He has reined her in a few times but she screams at him too. She has him wrapped around her finger. She can turn on the tears at will. He is usually not home when she pulls this and hears about it second hand. She talks over me while I'm speaking to him. I just want her to get her head on straight before she leaves for college in 2 years.

This adds a little more fuel to the fire. THere is absolutely NO WAY I would tolerate this. The way to get her off the computer when she is grounded etc is to take it out of the room. The is no excuse for the constant disrespect.

From your OP it sounded like this was the typical moody thing that swings from one day to the next not constantly. I am on the side of cancelling the party. Yes, she will say she hates you more but why should you put yourself out $ and time for someone that disrepects you.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I don't have teens yet, so this may seem naive.

BUT-At what point does a child think they can get away with saying "I hate you"? I know, never say never, but I can guarantee you, if my child told me they hated me, they would NOT be having 12 girls over for a sleepover party. That just seems so out of control.

Do all teens get like this? I can imagine a bit of an attitude, but the blatant disrespect? Right to a parent's face?

Is it possible for teens and parents to live in harmony? I guess I have visions of grandeur. They will be old enough to enjoy nice restaurants and shopping. They will want to travel to places other than WDW (shhh--I know

But I would like to do Europe). We can spend a year visiting college campuses and filling out applications. Bringing their friends home to hang out or do school projects, while I order pizza and pass out the Cokes? Mother daughter spa days? Is this all a silly dream?

No, they don't ALL get like this, but a lot of them do. We all look at our toddlers, 8 year olds, 12 year olds and think, "Not me and my kids. We have a special, better relationship." But it happens. I've had an "I hate you" from 2 of the four. DH was there for the second "I hate you," and I thought he was going to kill him! I think DS did, too, because when DH popped up off the couch, DS took off running for his room, with DH on his heels. Later he said he was sorry, "I don't HATE you..." which implied that he didn't like me much, but was enough at the time. I know they don't mean it, but it is really hard to hear at the time.

I think it is the rare kid that sails through the teen years never getting PO'd about the fact that someone else is controlling their life, who never tries to assert their independence, who never says anything nasty to their parent.

With my boys, it gets "different" around 12. Around 14, they start pulling away a little. It's 15-17 where it has been a tough road for me. It isn't like they are vile every single day. 90% of the time I am REALLY happy with the kids. We have fun. But they have their moments! Brats.

DS-17 (18 in a few months, he keeps reminding us!) had a blow-up this week...wants to go to Chicago with his friends when school is out. Without grown-ups. I asked who was going FOR SURE and told him I'd think about it. That alone was enough to tell me that it was lame of me to try to control his "every move" and that he's going to be 18, blah, blah, blah.

I hope they have kids who cause them the grief they've caused me! (Maybe that curse is why we all have so many teen problems! )

 

[Becky2005]

I don't have teens yet, so this may seem naive.

BUT-At what point does a child think they can get away with saying "I hate you"?

Well....my DD just turned 12 in March and told me she hated me when she was WAY younger as she was stomping off to her room because she was mad about something (and I probably sent her there in the first place, which promted the line).

I'm kind of weird on that in that my reply was usually "That's nice" with absolutely no emotion whatsoever. I think that aggrevated her more than her saying it. She hasn't said it in a LONG time now probably because it has no effect on me (I'm sure it's coming again).

Kind of reminds me of the Felicity quote "Words spoken in anger are never from the heart" when I know she's yelling that at me because she's angry. I still remember not liking my mom very much during times of those ages too.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

It is so bad with her that she will not even shut off her computer if I tell her too.

My son pulled this once. Claimed he paid for it, he could do what he wanted. (Another thing that ticks the kids off is that we give them limited funds and insist they buy their own crap.)

I'd forgotten all about that, and it was his biggest Faux Pas yet!

I unplugged it, and took it away "indefinately." He had to go to a friend's house to type his assignments and do internet research. He got it back in 2 months.

 

[mylilnikita]

First let me say that I had a very different teenage life, but not a spoiled teenage life. My parents left me alone a lot, my DF worked an odd shift so I didn't see him much for literally a few years and DM well, she liked to shop and do errands and then they would go away for the weekends. So, I did my own cooking, cleaning the house whatever. I also knew that if I did certain things my DF would come home just to let me have it, so I was pretty good. So I never said I hated my parents, because a lot of time they weren't there and when they were and if I said something like that, DF would put me back in my place.
Now, one day DD will be a teenager and have mercy on my soul, but I tell you what: The computer would be gone. If she said what the OP's DD said, well, I am kind of sassy and I would just return her birthday gifts and put that money and the money that was going to fund the party and give it to myself for one heck of a Mother's Day gift. If there is no Mother's Day, then there wouldnt' be a birthday for her. And if DH won't back you up, then guess what? He needs to have his "privledges" taken away until he can back you up. I told you I was sassy.

 

[Mom_]

This adds a little more fuel to the fire. THere is absolutely NO WAY I would tolerate this. The way to get her off the computer when she is grounded etc is to take it out of the room. The is no excuse for the constant disrespect.

From your OP it sounded like this was the typical moody thing that swings from one day to the next not constantly. I am on the side of cancelling the party. Yes, she will say she hates you more but why should you put yourself out $ and time for someone that disrepects you.

I know, it's pretty bad.

All of your comments are very much appreciated. Thank you.

I'm a long time DISer and under cover with my Mom_ name. I'm ashamed of our situation with my DD. I feel like a failure as a mom but my son turned out fine. I guess it hold true that no two kids are the same... My DD is a challenge to say the least.

 

[mickeyfan2]

My son pulled this once. Claimed he paid for it, he could do what he wanted. (Another thing that ticks the kids off is that we give them limited funds and insist they buy their own crap.)

I'd forgotten all about that, and it was his biggest Faux Pas yet!

I unplugged it, and took it away "indefinately." He had to go to a friend's house to type his assignments and do internet research. He got it back in 2 months.

Good for you.

I would have gone into the basement and thrown the breaker for his room. When he asked why I would have said it is my electricity and you can't have any!!!