No gift on Mom's day?

[Mom_]

My 15 y/o DD informed me last weekend that I would not be getting a gift from her this mother's day. She is impossible to get along with these days but I do try hard with her. Her older brother is gone and on his own, so she is alone at home with us. She stays in her room with the door closed most of the time. The thing that led to her not getting me a gift was something silly. We were actually driving in the car last sat when she started with the bad attitude. When I asked her to stop and pointed out how hurtful it was, she screamed "this is why I hate you" Then she said she would not be getting me a gift or card. Resentfully I told her that was ok with me. Now she is saying that I OK'd no gift for mom's day so there will be no gift. I can't even talk about this w/o crying. I have only spoke about this with my DH and her adult brother. I just feel so bad that she acts like this and is so uncaring. PLUS, mother's day is also her 16th birthday! We have gifts for her and the whole nine yards inlcuding a sleepover party for 12 the day before.

 

[NMAmy]

I have a horrible 15 yo dd, as well. Frankly, if my dd was going to be like that about Mother's Day when her birthday falls on the same day--I would tell her since we're apparently not doing any gifts or form of appreciation this year, I'll be taking your gifts back to the store. I've found that the only way to get DD to stop being so self-absorbed is to point right out to her how her behavior effects her priviliges. Doesn't always work but sometimes it gets my point across.

You're not alone--there's a whole bunch of us that have some nasty teens. It's been driving me crazy lately because this has just started happening in the last month or so--everything was perfectly fine right up till then.

 

[SC Minnie]

Please don't take it personally.

She is 15 and is acting like a typical 15 yo. She will grow out of it eventually.

 

[Microcell]

I am the queen of guilt, receiving and giving.

I would hug her, even if she resists and tell her that you love her and when you die not to worry, you know she loved you.

My vow is no matter how much we are not getting along when my kids are teens, I will insist on a hug every day from them, even if I don't want to.

My mom and I actually got along well, and when she died when I was 16. That day is foggy to me still 17 years later, but I know I gave her a hug, because mad or not she gave me one every day. The day she died we had been fighting the night before, but as I was leaving she got up to give herself a shot if insulin and I hugged her and told her I loved her. I was still mad, but it is what she established we do.

I am so happy I did that.

Oh and she will realize you are not stupid in about 7 years. My favorite all time quote is by Mark Twain (paraphrazing here) "When I was 17, I knew my dad was the dumbest man alive, imagine my surprise at how much he had learned by the time I was 25!"

 

[MouseWorshipin]

Teenagers are horrible, vile creatures. Haven't been through it with the girl yet (she's turning 12), but have started with the boys. I actually called my son a Buttwipe (only not butt) once.

You know what everyone says, "Wait it out, they come back to you."

 

[L107ANGEL]

I'm sorry. Your sweet DD will be back someday. The teen years stink!

 

[Lewski709]

I wouldn't be so upset. Teens don't realize how important their moms are until they are in their late 20's. Besides, do you need a gift to know you are great? I don't.

 

[poohandwendy]

All I can tell you is to try really hard to not make it personal with her. When you take the insults personally, you have given her a weapon to use every time. Make your mantra "I am sorry you feel that way" and WALK AWAY. Do not let her see that she is having an affect on you emotionally.

Her actions have more to do with her age than anything else, try to remember that every time something like this comes up. This too shall pass. I have been there.

Try to make this Mother's Day a day to celebrate the many jos you have received in the past and the ones you willn receive in the future (and I promise you, they will come), ignore her if you have to.

{{{HUGS}}} to you, I know it is tough.

 

[poohandwendy]

I am the queen of guilt, receiving and giving.

I would hug her, even if she resists and tell her that you love her and when you die not to worry, you know she loved you.

My vow is no matter how much we are not getting along when my kids are teens, I will insist on a hug every day from them, even if I don't want to.

My mom and I actually got along well, and when she died when I was 16. That day is foggy to me still 17 years later, but I know I gave her a hug, because mad or not she gave me one every day. The day she died we had been fighting the night before, but as I was leaving she got up to give herself a shot if insulin and I hugged her and told her I loved her. I was still mad, but it is what she established we do.

I am so happy I did that.

Aw, that brings tears to my eyes. What a blessing that you have that.

I hope you have a wonderful Mothers Day Microcell. Your mother is in your heart and always will be.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this and wish you the best.

If it were me, I would calmly set her down and discuss what's taking place and how she's behaving. Then I would tell her that I won't allow her to treat me with such disrespect (not so much the gift for Mother's Day issue but more the threatening me with it, yelling at me, the "I hate you" kind of thing) and that her party is now canceled, and her gifts are being returned. I would tell her that I love her but that love is about more than parties and gifts (and that it's a two way street).

There are consequences to our actions, and as hard as it may be, she may need to find that out (granted her 16th birthday is kind of a rotten time for it to happen, but she's the one who made the choice to behave like she's doing).

That said, all of this is just my opinion, and you certainly know what's best for your family.

Good luck with however you decide to handle it.

EDIT: After more thought, I'd probably give her the birthday presents, but I'd definitely cancel the party and explain about the amount of work and effort that has to put out by you to have it and that it's not reasonable to do it considering how she's choosing to treat you. In fact, it would sort of be a form of enablement.

 

[Puffy2]

That's a tough one.

If it was my daughter, I'd probably sit her down at the kitchen table and tell her (in the third person, as if you are talking about someone else) "As a parent, I have this situation: my daughter who is irritated with me has said she won't acknowledge Mother's Day on Sunday. Now, that puts me in an odd situation because it just so happens that I'm also irritated with her behavior - as a mother, should I refuse to acknowledge her birthday?" and see what she says.

It probably hasn't even occured to her that the situations are similar.

I'd follow with "if I acknowledge the birthday, what am I teaching my daughter, that it is ok to be self absorbed? What do you think?What would you do, as a mother, if you were in this exact situation?"

Regardless of how you handle Sunday, remember you are the parent and whatever you do should be in the best interest of the child - independent of your feelings at the moment.

 

[SC Minnie]

When I read this in my late twenties it really hit home as was so true.

The Images of Mother:
4 YEARS OF AGE
My Mommy can do anything
8 YEARS OF AGE
My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot
12 YEARS OF AGE
My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE
Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either
16 YEARS OF AGE
Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE
That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE
Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE
Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE
Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE
Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

 

[Mom_]

Thank you everyone! I do feel better after reading all of your great advice. I know the teen years are hard. We will somehow get through this. You have all helped alot and touched me with your replies. I feel better prepared. Thank you again.

 

[Sandy V.]

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this; I have an 18 year old DD and a 16 year old DS, so I have "been there."

I would hope that your DD's behavior is bothering your husband as much as it does you, because there is absolutely NO WAY my DH would tolerate such behavior towards me. The offending kid would be at the kitchen table in front of BOTH of us while we had a little chat about disrespect!!

So whatever you decide to do, I would make sure that DH was there right beside you. In fact, I think HE should be the one leading the discussion. Kids behave better when presented with a parental "united front".

(I wouldn't cancel the gifts, but I would think about cancelling the party.)

Best wishes and hang in there. My daughter went through her "Medusa" moments, but she and I are very close now.

 

[Puffy2]

Asked my teen about this one - they said that "if it was over something small - then the kid is being a butt and 'no party for her'!" BUT they also said that it really annoys them when "adults" ignor their feelings/opinions and things that are important to them and that the parent in this situation should make an effort to really listen to their kid before they take any presents back.

Sounds like communication would help. Maybe get her to write down her "feelings and thoughts" on the issue before you talk with her about it. Maybe BOTH of you could do that and then share what you wrote.

 

[Mishetta]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this and wish you the best.

If it were me, I would calmly set her down and discuss what's taking place and how she's behaving. Then I would tell her that I won't allow her to treat me with such disrespect (not so much the gift for Mother's Day issue but more the threatening me with it, yelling at me, the "I hate you" kind of thing) and that her party is now canceled, and her gifts are being returned. I would tell her that I love her but that love is about more than parties and gifts (and that it's a two way street).

There are consequences to our actions, and as hard as it may be, she may need to find that out (granted her 16th birthday is kind of a rotten time for it to happen, but she's the one who made the choice to behave like she's doing).

That said, all of this is just my opinion, and you certainly know what's best for your family.

Good luck with however you decide to handle it.

EDIT: After more thought, I'd probably give her the birthday presents, but I'd definitely cancel the party and explain about the amount of work and effort that has to put out by you to have it and that it's not reasonable to do it considering how she's choosing to treat you. In fact, it would sort of be a form of enablement.

I couldn't have said that all better myself. Only I'd leave the gifts out & save them for another time....like when she deserves them (in about 10 years)! Kids!! Sometimes I wonder if I ever came close to putting my Mom through what my kids put me through on a daily basis! If only I had a crystal ball......

 

[FreshTressa]

No birthday party for her! I wouldn't do something nice for anyone that treated me like that, DD or not.

The teen years are rough!

 

[jx3smom]

It isn't only teen girls. I have a 15 yo son who is quite a challange!

 

[Skatermom23]

No birthday party for her! I wouldn't do something nice for anyone that treated me like that, DD or not.

The teen years are rough!

I would celebrate the birthday with the family but a party?? No way....that is something that is earned. My DD has her 13th birthday coming up this summer and has had her moments of attitude recently. I flat out told her to get rid of the attitude or no party. She knows I will follow through. She has been a little angel since!! I know teens all go through their "mom is stupid period" but they best keep it to themselves and never let me hear it. That is just disrespectful.

 

[hentob]

I don't have teens yet, so this may seem naive.

BUT-At what point does a child think they can get away with saying "I hate you"? I know, never say never, but I can guarantee you, if my child told me they hated me, they would NOT be having 12 girls over for a sleepover party. That just seems so out of control.

Do all teens get like this? I can imagine a bit of an attitude, but the blatant disrespect? Right to a parent's face?

Is it possible for teens and parents to live in harmony? I guess I have visions of grandeur. They will be old enough to enjoy nice restaurants and shopping. They will want to travel to places other than WDW (shhh--I know But I would like to do Europe). We can spend a year visiting college campuses and filling out applications. Bringing their friends home to hang out or do school projects, while I order pizza and pass out the Cokes? Mother daughter spa days? Is this all a silly dream?