No Alcohol at a Wedding?

[mjkacmom]

Thank you so much for responding. I guess like anything it is about making it a priority - which I totally respect. I also get the cultural differences regarding this topic - especially the viewpoint that weddings are "nights out". I just think of all the different segments of the population who get married and I can't imagine everyone in your area (or any area) being able to pull this off.

I've probably been ot 30-35 weddings and they have run the gamut. My actual favorite was a small intimate on a beach in Hawaii with a nice luncheon reception for abotu 35 people. It was just lovely. I honestly don't recall if there was alcohol there or not . . . I kind of like having variety in the weddings I attend. Otherwise it gets really repetitive over time for me personally. Though of course I support the bride and groom doing what works for them and their families.

Now that I think about it, you can cut corners. You can get a cheaper dress, find a cheaper venue, do less courses, just have cake for dessert, use cheaper invitations... Most people will scale down, but still have the limos, open bar, dj, etc.

 

[DisneyKT]

My wedding 2 bottles of wine at the table.* Of Course free coffee and soda etc.If anybody wanted more alcohol to drink they had to buy it themselves. My DH father is a recovering alcoholic and we have several on my side of the family though they don't admit it.Tacky maybe but to bad.

 

[ntsammy5]

Our reception was in the church hall - so no alcohol, but we had a real party the next month. My in-laws do not drink and the family was pretty much the same. Both my daughter's weddings had an over abundance of alcohol.

 

[bethy]

Now that I think about it, you can cut corners. You can get a cheaper dress, find a cheaper venue, do less courses, just have cake for dessert, use cheaper invitations... Most people will scale down, but still have the limos, open bar, dj, etc.

See now my sister did do this. And I've seen many others do this. And sometimes as a guest it's quite honestly a little painful to watch. I seriously wanted to hide at my sister's wedding because she was so obviously trying to have it all but with very limited resources so a bunch of stuff went awry or just was kind of bare bones. For me, I guess I'd rather do less but do it very well. To each their own.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

It insults the multiple people on this thread who have pointed out that they had a cash bar at their wedding.

Any bride who gets married reads bridal magazines, etiquette books etc.

Any bride who had a cash bar at their wedding screwed up from a formal etiquette standpoint. You NEVER ask a guest to pay for anything.

Maybe people in your area are not insulted - but I would find a cash bar to be in extremely poor taste.

 

[MushyMushy]

Any bride who gets married reads bridal magazines, etiquette books etc.

Any bride who had a cash bar at their wedding screwed up from a formal etiquette standpoint. You NEVER ask a guest to pay for anything.

Maybe people in your area are not insulted - but I would find a cash bar to be in extremely poor taste.

I never read a bridal magazine, not once.

I had an actual wedding planner helping me every step of the way, and she knows the customs of our area -- never once did she suggest it was a bad idea. In fact, she loved the way we had open bar up til dinner, then it was cash after because it included everyone, from my non-drinking family to DH's drinkers.

As for "never" asking a guest to pay for anything, I've seen quite a few people on these forums saying that the guests should buy a gift AT LEAST the equivalent to the cost per plate. How is that not rude and tacky?

 

[bethy]

As for "never" asking a guest to pay for anything, I've seen quite a few people on these forums saying that the guests should buy a gift AT LEAST the equivalent to the cost per plate. How is that not rude and tacky?

Hee, see now for me I personally don't really agree with either approach - to ask or expect guests to pay for their plate OR for their drinks.

In our circles guest don't really give cash for gifts either. I don't even care for registries.

 

[powellrj]

I have a question. I keep reading about the norms in different areas, but because I was raised in the midwest in pretty conservative christian areas, having no alcohol at a wedding isn't unusual for me.

My question is what do conservative christian who live in areas where the big blow out weddings are the norm do about serving alcohol or are conservative Christians who don't drink pretty much limited to the midwest and south?

Many of my family members married catholic spouses, so alcohol was served, but all of the ones who married conservative Christians (like Baptist and Church of God or Church of Christ) all had alcohol free receptions. I can't imagine a hard line baptist serving any kind of alcohol so in the areas where that is the norm. what would you do if you are planning a wedding.

 

[Alesia]

I never read a bridal magazine, not once.

I had an actual wedding planner helping me every step of the way, and she knows the customs of our area -- never once did she suggest it was a bad idea. In fact, she loved the way we had open bar up til dinner, then it was cash after because it included everyone, from my non-drinking family to DH's drinkers.

As for "never" asking a guest to pay for anything, I've seen quite a few people on these forums saying that the guests should buy a gift AT LEAST the equivalent to the cost per plate. How is that not rude and tacky?

That is tacky.

So is a cash bar. I know it's becoming commonplace. But it's still tacky.

Hospitality is about entertaining your guests in the best way you can afford. If you can only afford cookies and punch in the church basement, then that's what you have. Anyone who complains about that is just ridiculous. There is nothing tacky about living within your means.

However, you never, ever ask your guests for money.

You also don't expect a gift (regardless of size.) Gifts are optional, no matter how much the hosts spent on your dinner.

 

[disykat]

I remember the first wedding I went to that had an offsite reception. I was in college. It had alcohol, a dance floor, (I don't remember anyone dancing)and little finger sandwiches. It was really kind of awful and I remember feeling sorry for my friends. No one knew how to behave and just sort of stood around trying to be polite! The general thought was that the mother of the bride was showing off.

I'm still not fond of weddings that are parties. I know it's hard for people from places where a wedding IS a party to understand that, but it's equally hard for us to understand the party mentality.

 

[gina2000]

As for "never" asking a guest to pay for anything, I've seen quite a few people on these forums saying that the guests should buy a gift AT LEAST the equivalent to the cost per plate. How is that not rude and tacky?

No one ASKS the guest to pay for the cost equivalent of a plate. Guests do it if they can because they WANT to. Big, big difference. It's an honor to attend a wedding and we tend to give as much as we can....from the heart. But I've NEVER, EVER met a bride, a groom, a mother or father who EXPECTS or DEMANDS a guest to do anything more than come to the wedding and enjoy him/herself.

It's obvious we all have different customs. I have never seen a cash bar at a wedding, a mint and cake wedding, a dry wedding, a wedding dance, copious amounts or children at a wedding or any of the numerous customs people on the boards discuss and defend. If we all go by Emily Post's Guide to Etiquette, I'm sure we'd all be guilty of a faux pas or two. Most of the customs puzzle me and a few I openly disagree with. Sorry 'bout that. But I figure NY/NJ weddings puzzle and upset many people just because they are openly ostentatious affairs with no children normally seen. And we like it that way.

 

[MushyMushy]

No one ASKS the guest to pay for the cost equivalent of a plate. Guests do it if they can because they WANT to. Big, big difference. It's an honor to attend a wedding and we tend to give as much as we can....from the heart. But I've NEVER, EVER met a bride, a groom, a mother or father who EXPECTS or DEMANDS a guest to do anything more than come to the wedding and enjoy him/herself.

You must not read these wedding threads very often because that's exactly what many brides say about the gifts! Even the thread on children at weddings had someone saying it.

 

[Arielx2]

You must not read these wedding threads very often because that's exactly what many brides say about the gifts! Even the thread on children at weddings had someone saying it.

Yep, they don't ask, but it is expected.

 

[Mom2Nick]

You must not read these wedding threads very often because that's exactly what many brides say about the gifts! Even the thread on children at weddings had someone saying it.

It had a bride saying they expected their guests to cover their plate or was it a guest saying they tried to cover their plate?

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

It had a bride saying they expected their guests to cover their plate or was it a guest saying they tried to cover their plate?

It is always guests. I cover the cost of my plate - gosh how horrible to give $hundreds of dollars as a wedding gift.

But I am too proper to ever demand or expect it. At my wedding we received gifts big and small - all were thanked and all were appreciated.

It would be tacky for a bride to demand certain gifts.

 

[collcass]

No one ASKS the guest to pay for the cost equivalent of a plate. Guests do it if they can because they WANT to. Big, big difference. It's an honor to attend a wedding and we tend to give as much as we can....from the heart. But I've NEVER, EVER met a bride, a groom, a mother or father who EXPECTS or DEMANDS a guest to do anything more than come to the wedding and enjoy him/herself.

It's obvious we all have different customs. I have never seen a cash bar at a wedding, a mint and cake wedding, a dry wedding, a wedding dance, copious amounts or children at a wedding or any of the numerous customs people on the boards discuss and defend. If we all go by Emily Post's Guide to Etiquette, I'm sure we'd all be guilty of a faux pas or two. Most of the customs puzzle me and a few I openly disagree with. Sorry 'bout that. But I figure NY/NJ weddings puzzle and upset many people just because they are openly ostentatious affairs with no children normally seen. And we like it that way.

I have been to 29 weddings over the past 3 yrs. I have been in 21 of those. The majority of them were in the tri state area (NY/NJ/CT w/ a spattering in PA. EVERY SINGLE one EXPECTED the guests to cover the plate.

Going back to the original post: I have been to 2 dry weddings. Both were Pentecostal familes. The first was when I was in college. The 2nd was my cousin's. His wife's religion is a mix of Pentecostal and baptist (don't remember the actual name) It was very different from any wedding we've been to. We didn't ridicule them but we did all stop at the ABC store along the way to the reception and were conveniently leaving @ 5AM so had to leave the reception very early

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I have a question and I swear it is not loaded. I am just truly in awe and am wondering how so many couples afford to get married if *everyone* does a full on party with all the trimmings for their reception? I just can't imagine that every family has a minimum 20-40k sitting around to pay for this. Do people in these regions just not get married at all if they can't afford to put on a party like this? Or do they do the same thing as the folks of earlier generations and just invite a few people to the reception (not that that is a bad thing.)? I do think we have a unique population here at the Dis of people who can afford to frequent Disney parks so that could be part of it . . .

I haven't read through the entire thread so I hope I'm not repeating things. I'm just truly curious.

This is a great question. I will try my best to answer it. A lot of people here save and pay for most of their own weddings. There are some that have parents that will gift them $25,000 or so that they have saved since the child was little because weddings are a big thing here. People do have smaller weddings and there are a few venues that offer a wedding package for 100 people for around $10,000. So some people do chose that option. There are also people who do the whole destination thing but more and more people do that for the bachelor/bachelorette party. Some chose to have a dinner at a local restaurant. That can run anywhere from $30-75 a plate depending on what you chose, the day of the week and the menu. Some people do just go to the courthouse and call it a day.
I know it seems crazy to someone who doesn't live here but weddings are a big deal here. Parties in general are over the top here. I have rented halls for baptisms complete with djs. Same for 1st birthday parties. Communions are also huge here. We are not rich. We save for these events as they are very important to us. It is not to be showy etc. We genuinely like to celebrate things. We love getting together and we just love what many consider over the top. Most events the gifts are cash- however- we never expect anything from anyone and we are grateful for anything that someone gives. If I throw a party I don't expect anyone to cover anything. I am the host and I want you here because you are important to me.

I am gald you posted your questions. So many people think we are just being showoffs etc. because we have what others consider to be elaborate parties. We're not. We just like it that way.
BTW- We are in Long Island- the wedding capital!

 

[bethy]

This is a great question. I will try my best to answer it. A lot of people here save and pay for most of their own weddings. There are some that have parents that will gift them $25,000 or so that they have saved since the child was little because weddings are a big thing here. People do have smaller weddings and there are a few venues that offer a wedding package for 100 people for around $10,000. So some people do chose that option. There are also people who do the whole destination thing but more and more people do that for the bachelor/bachelorette party. Some chose to have a dinner at a local restaurant. That can run anywhere from $30-75 a plate depending on what you chose, the day of the week and the menu. Some people do just go to the courthouse and call it a day.
I know it seems crazy to someone who doesn't live here but weddings are a big deal here. Parties in general are over the top here. I have rented halls for baptisms complete with djs. Same for 1st birthday parties. Communions are also huge here. We are not rich. We save for these events as they are very important to us. It is not to be showy etc. We genuinely like to celebrate things. We love getting together and we just love what many consider over the top. Most events the gifts are cash- however- we never expect anything from anyone and we are grateful for anything that someone gives. If I throw a party I don't expect anyone to cover anything. I am the host and I want you here because you are important to me.

I am gald you posted your questions. So many people think we are just being showoffs etc. because we have what others consider to be elaborate parties. We're not. We just like it that way.
BTW- We are in Long Island- the wedding capital!

I completely and totally respect your culture and perspective on this. I think prioritizing exhuberant celebratons with friends and family must be a wonderful way to live! What's not to like? Plus I'm sure it is a great industry in terms of providing jobs and commerce for the area. And now I want to go to a wedding in the Northeast!

 

[Mom2Nick]

I completely and totally respect your culture and perspective on this. I think prioritizing exhuberant celebratons with friends and family must be a wonderful way to live! What's not to like? Plus I'm sure it is a great industry in terms of providing jobs and commerce for the area. And now I want to go to a wedding in the Northeast!

They really are over the top This is the current menu offering from the venue where I had my reception. Page 1 and 2 are just the cocktail hour. That's followed by a several course meal. Usually 4 but mine mine was 5 with an appetizer, pasta, salad, entree, dessert plate and wedding cake.

http://www.themanorrestaurant.com/wedding_cocktail_hour_4.htm

By the way my father paid for my entire wedding otherwise DH and I would have had to make several adjustments

We also do big celebrations in NJ for first birthdays, christenings, communions etc

I don't begrudge others with their choices and customs. If the bride (and groom) is happy then the guests can suck it up and be happy for them.

 

[disneystacy]

They really are over the top This is the current menu offering from the venue where I had my reception. Page 1 and 2 are just the cocktail hour. That's followed by a several course meal. Usually 4 but mine mine was 5 with an appetizer, pasta, salad, entree, dessert plate and wedding cake.

http://www.themanorrestaurant.com/wedding_cocktail_hour_4.htm

By the way my father paid for my entire wedding otherwise DH and I would have had to make several adjustments

We also do big celebrations in NJ for first birthdays, christenings, communions etc

I don't begrudge others with their choices and customs. If the bride (and groom) is happy then the guests can suck it up and be happy for them.

LOL I had my Sweet 16 dinner at The Manor. Small world! We also looked at The Manor for our wedding since hubby was from Short Hills, NJ, but since I was from Long Island and we lived in LI, we had our reception on LI.