No Alcohol at a Wedding?

[PrincessSuzanne]

Thats it! Im moving! You guys are luring me away from the Northeast with your tales of fun, affordable weddings with punch. Im sold! Count me in. Seriously they sound lovely! We are currenlty in wedding planing he&$ . At least once a day we decide to elope.

PS I want some of this punch you describe, but the Boston in me is thinking, wouldnt it be better with a little vodka?

I tell Dh quite often that if I had to do it all over again, we would have gotten married after church services and saved our money for something better and our entire wedding probably cost less than $5,000. We had a very nice ceremony and reception with many finger foods, my friend that catered even fixed up a basket for me and Dh to take with us.

Wedding expectations have certainly changed over the past 30 years. When I grew up, the norm for a wedding was having the ceremony at a church with the reception in the church basement. The reception consisted of cake, ice cream and punch. No D.J. or band. Folks simply talked to each other and had a nice time. The reception normally lasted a little over an hour.

Now, people EXPECT to be fed a meal, have alcoholic drinks and entertainment. It's no wonder that most weddings cost more than what I paid for my first house. IMHO, it is a ridiculous waste of money. All that for one day/night. When my daughter gets married, I'm giving her the choice to have a reasonably priced wedding or money for a down payment on a home. She has already said she will be taking the down payment.

Peggy, I have to agree with you wholeheartedly, I think people spend way too much on weddings and that is ridiculous. My wedding was just as nice as any other of the young women in the church and didn't cost near as much because we utilized friends help and since it was at Christmas, the church was almost completely decorated. My dress fabric and all (custom made) was $200 and of course is one of a kind. We did most everything ourselves.

Many couples are still paying for the wedding for several years to come and many don't even last.

Your daughter is a very smart and beautiful young lady.

Suzanne

 

[MushyMushy]

If it's the norm in the area where the wedding's being held, I don't think it's at all tacky.

In this area, 90% of the weddings I've attended over the last 30 years have had a bottle of champagne on each table, beer and soda provided free of charge for guests, and a cash bar for people who choose to drink something else.

And there's the key word right there -- "choose" to drink something else. In all the weddings I've been to where there was a cash bar, all non-alcoholic drinks were free and in a few cases even beer and champagne toast was free. If the guests wanted more expensive cocktails, then they could pay for them and nobody ever batted an eyelash because that's just the way it's done around here.

But then again, where I'm from, we're the ones who don't pay $100+ per head, don't expect our guests' gifts to cover the cost of the plate, and we invite children. So what do we know?

 

[MarkBarbieri]

So is it tackier to not have alcohol available or to have it available at a cost? From what I'm reading, it sounds like no alcohol is not tacky but having a cash bar is tacky. It seems odd that giving someone an option to do something is tacky but not giving them the option isn't.

I definitely agree with the others that find typical modern wedding costs ridiculous. I'm glad that I have boys instead of girls. At the last wedding we went to, I told my wife that I couldn't fathom spending in excess of $10,000 for a single evening of ceremony. She laughed at me and said that $10,000 wouldn't even begin to cover the costs of a typical modern wedding.

 

[frndshpcptn]

Its interesting, for my Bat Mitzvah (18 years ago), I had an open bar, cocktail hour, sit down meal, dessert bar, DJ 5-hour party with favors and full themed decorations at each table - plus a fabulous balloon arch!

It was in a hotel ballroom. It was so normal, that I went to a bat / bar mitvah just like it every weekend for my entire 7th grade year (the nortorious bat mitzvah circuit).

Now all these people are getting married and the weddings are basically the bar mitzvah party, part 2. Same set up - more people drinking as there are less kids involved!

If and when I get married, I'm putting my foot down and breaking tradition around here to do something MUCH more low key.

Already had the big bash...now it's time to figure another way to celebrate!

 

[CharityLynn]

We don't drink so we didn't have alcohol at our wedding. I don't think anyone really cared, people danced and had fun anyways. It may have ran later if we did have alcohol but I don't regret the decision.

 

[Arielle22]

About 16 years ago DH and I went to his cousin's wedding in Maine. It was BYOB.

The odd part was the wedding was a more refined event than other I have been to (married in a church on the historic register with a flutist and harpist).

Most of the weddings I have been to were for family members. Usually it is open bar through the cocktail hour and then a cash bar.

 

[aprilgail2]

ETA- I think cash bars are super tacky though. Either have no alcohol or pay for it. I think asking guests to foot the bill is rude.

I agree- I can't think of anywhere where it would be acceptable to ask your guest to pay for a drink!

 

[stepharelli]

I have been to both equally. I find that I enjoy myself a lot more at the weddings withOUT alcohol, but that could be because I am so paranoid about accidentally getting alcohol (I am allergic and end up in anaphylactic shock) that I just can't relax. The other guests at the wedding seem to enjoy themselves at the dry weddings also.

I don't know anyone who has ridiculed the couple for a dry wedding either.

 

[bethy]

My wedding 12 years ago was dry basically for financial reasons. But it was a short, sweet and simple mid afternoon wedding and reception. Just cake, punch and a few snacks. No dancing or anything - just a lovely string quartet. I loved it but yes, if I would have had a ton of money available to me I probably would have done a full on party in the evening with dancing. But we were young and had no money and weren't willing to go into debt over something like that. My parents had just paid for my entire college education and that was far more important to me.

We're still very happily married 12 years later - we have a wonderful life despite a bare bones wedding. Believe it or not it has not ruined our marriage nor do I harbor once ounce of resentment or sadness for the lack of dancing and alchohol!

If someone were to riducule me for having a dry wedding then they shouldn't be there in the first place.

I should add that I think cash bars are tacky too. Either pay for the alchohol or don't have it at all IMO - but whatever. People should do what works for them.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Not to beat the dead wedding carriage horse, but while overall weddings in general have gone more formal, the differences are not so much time related as region related.

My family is from the NYC area. When my parents got married nearly 50 years ago, they were fairly poor. However, it never occurred to them that they would have a wedding without serving some sort of sit-down meal with wine. There may have only been 20 people at their wedding, but it was still meal and wine.

When I got married 26 years ago, again there was no question that you would have a sit down meal, drink of all kinds, and a band. My wedding had full appetizers, a sit down full plated meal, a traditional cake, an open bar, wine on the tables, champagne toast, and TWO drink fountains -- this was considered the norm. We spent a grand total of $1500 (for everything). We avoided any problems with drunks by not inviting the drunks. (Hey, we're New Yorkers, we have no problem telling it like it is. What can I say?) The overall idea was that if you weren't going to serve a 'real' meal, then you were eloping and no one was there but your parents and best friends who stood up for you. There was no inbetween. I can also tell you that my parents -- who footed most of the bill -- would have never given me the money for a house downpayment or to pay off my student loans. That money was for my wedding, period.

The thought of a cash bar was absolutely unthinkable. I had never even heard of a cash bar at a wedding until my SIL got married in MA and had the most expensive wedding any of us had ever attended, but had a cash bar (complete with $10 Diet Cokes in 1984). Her cash bar was considered the height of tackiness and 20+ years later, people still talk about it. Her father offered her the money t use instead for a house down payment and he was considered beyond the pale for even making that suggestion.

I had never even heard of a church basement reception with punch and mints until I moved to the midwest 20 years ago.

This is such a great post. My parents and inlaws both got married almost 40 years ago. They both had a catering hall reception with cocktail hour, sit down dinner, full open bar, band etc. That was the norm and it still is the norm here. In fact, my parents had rolling bars with bartenders to serve the guests at their tables that were around the room in addition to the regular bar so guests would not have to get up to serve themselves. Not sure if the inlaws did but I am sure they probably did.
When we got married we had the same thing. Fancy reception with all the trimmings. That is simply what a wedding reception is here. I can tell you that if our parents had a cash bar at their wedding or we had one at ours our families would be beyond insulted. They'd still be talking about our wedding and not in a good way. Inviting a guest to an event and then expecting them to pay for food and drink is simply not done here. If you do it in your region and you are fine with it then more power to you. It is not what we are accustomed to here. There are no punch and mint receptions in our area. I didn't even know people still did that until I read it on the DIS. I had only seen it in old movies! If I went to an event out of state for people that were from out of state then I might expect things to be different. If I went to an event locally, I would never ever expect a cash anything.

 

[jodifla]

Until I was in college, I had no idea that it was SOP to have a big wedding reception with alcohol, dancing and food. The ones I had been to were church affairs with cake and punch in the reception hall, then maybe another party back at home that had alcohol. Those were fine.

Once I graduated though, EVERY wedding was a big event with a full reception.


I immediately thought that looked like more fun!

We had a GREAT afternoon wedding that several of our friends copied parts of later. The ceremony was in the gazebo in the side yard of a historic home. In the side yard, we had a white tent we rented, put a dance floor under it, had a friend DJ, bought our own liquor and hired a bartender, and even played croquet! Champagne buckets filled with champagne graced every table for our 110 guests.

It was a great party, and kicked off a great marriage now 21 years along! We did most of it ourselves, so we got a lot out of a minimal amount of money.

 

[bethy]

This is such a great post. My parents and inlaws both got married almost 40 years ago. They both had a catering hall reception with cocktail hour, sit down dinner, full open bar, band etc. That was the norm and it still is the norm here. In fact, my parents had rolling bars with bartenders to serve the guests at their tables that were around the room in addition to the regular bar so guests would not have to get up to serve themselves. Not sure if the inlaws did but I am sure they probably did.
When we got married we had the same thing. Fancy reception with all the trimmings. That is simply what a wedding reception is here. I can tell you that if our parents had a cash bar at their wedding or we had one at ours our families would be beyond insulted. They'd still be talking about our wedding and not in a good way. Inviting a guest to an event and then expecting them to pay for food and drink is simply not done here. If you do it in your region and you are fine with it then more power to you. It is not what we are accustomed to here. There are no punch and mint receptions in our area. I didn't even know people still did that until I read it on the DIS. I had only seen it in old movies! If I went to an event out of state for people that were from out of state then I might expect things to be different. If I went to an event locally, I would never ever expect a cash anything.

I have a question and I swear it is not loaded. I am just truly in awe and am wondering how so many couples afford to get married if *everyone* does a full on party with all the trimmings for their reception? I just can't imagine that every family has a minimum 20-40k sitting around to pay for this. Do people in these regions just not get married at all if they can't afford to put on a party like this? Or do they do the same thing as the folks of earlier generations and just invite a few people to the reception (not that that is a bad thing.)? I do think we have a unique population here at the Dis of people who can afford to frequent Disney parks so that could be part of it . . .

I haven't read through the entire thread so I hope I'm not repeating things. I'm just truly curious.

 

[Arielx2]

I agree- I can't think of anywhere where it would be acceptable to ask your guest to pay for a drink!

I think the expectation that you pay for your plate as a wedding gift, which is essentially buying your own dinner and drinks, to the tune of several hundred dollars is tacky and rediculous.

 

[taylor3297]

At our wedding almost 9 years ago we did not serve alcohol, nor did we have a DJ, or dancing. It would have been nice to have the whole sit down dinner, with the open bar and dancing, but the wedding budget did not allow for it. So we went with a late afternoon ceremony, appetizers, cake and punch and coffe at the reception. The wedding ceremony was beautiful, the church looked beautiful (even with minimum amount of flowers) music was perfect. I had a lot of family and friends attending who had not seen each other in awhile, so the reception gave them a time to catch up. We held the reception in the church fellowship hall.

A few months after our wedding we went to a friends wedding, where the ceremony was rushed (it literally lasted 10 minutes), music was the bridesmaid pushing play on a cd player. Once we got to the reception, it seemed as everyone was there to get drunk. It was evident that the wedding couple spent more money on the reception with little planning for the wedding itself. So it all comes down to what you want for your wedding.

Now I would not have planned a wedding like our friends, but they were happy with what they had and no regrets. As I had no regrets with ours.

Now I have been to weddings where certain drinks were free while "premium" you had to pay yourself. I didn't think it was tacky.

 

[pearlieq]

From what I'm reading, it sounds like no alcohol is not tacky but having a cash bar is tacky. It seems odd that giving someone an option to do something is tacky but not giving them the option isn't.

Reasons why, in my opinon, this is the case:

1.) Cash shouldn't change hands at a social event.
2.) My guests should be able to eat and drink their fill of everything available. I'm treating them and want them to be able enjoy freely.
3.) A cash bar creates a deprivation. If there is no alcohol, most people won't give it much thought. They'll just grab their favorite soda, sample the punch, and get on with having fun. A cash bar dangles alcohol in front of you, but denies it if you can't or won't pay.
4.) It can make people feel bad about what they don't have. If someone usually enjoys a cocktail, but they just lost their job and it isn't in the budget right now, they have to be reminded of that. Plus they may have to answer questions about why they aren't drinking, potentially causing awkwardness.
5.) Cash bars are often overpriced. People don't like being gouged because they're a captive audience.
6.) People don't always carry cash.
7.) Cash bars make the hosts look cheap. They're acknowledging that they don't feel their event is complete without alcohol, but they're not willing to pay for it.

Put the question in another context:

Say I invite people over to my home for a cook-out to celebrate my DH's birthday. At this party, we are offering hot dogs and hamburgers. However, when you arrive, we inform you that if you'd like, we can put a steak on the grill for you, but you'll need to give us $5.00 per steak to cover the cost.

Sure, we're offering you the "option" of having a steak, but I can't imagine anyone who would interpret that as us being considerate.

 

[disneystacy]

I have a question and I swear it is not loaded. I am just truly in awe and am wondering how so many couples afford to get married if *everyone* does a full on party with all the trimmings for their reception? I just can't imagine that every family has a minimum 20-40k sitting around to pay for this. Do people in these regions just not get married at all if they can't afford to put on a party like this? Or do they do the same thing as the folks of earlier generations and just invite a few people to the reception (not that that is a bad thing.)? I do think we have a unique population here at the Dis of people who can afford to frequent Disney parks so that could be part of it . . .

I haven't read through the entire thread so I hope I'm not repeating things. I'm just truly curious.

We saved for 18 months to pay for our wedding. My parents gave us 5000.00 and hubby's parents gave 5000.00. We were both working and we saved. Thats how we were able to afford it. Our wedding cost about 35,000 (about average for 200 people in NY) not including our honeymoon. Most weddings in the NorthEast are big fancy affairs. We also normally receive money as gifts (thus why most people from the Northeast tend to "cover their plate" as weddings are usually "nights out"). We received approx 15,000 in gifts which we then put down on a house.

 

[bluesaturn]

Well, it's tacky to point it out at the wedding, or to say something to a person who was involved . . . in a discussion like this when it's all hypothetical, it's fine. It insults no one personally.

It insults the multiple people on this thread who have pointed out that they had a cash bar at their wedding.

 

[MushyMushy]

It insults the multiple people on this thread who have pointed out that they had a cash bar at their wedding.

I think that's probably the point.

 

[bethy]

We saved for 18 months to pay for our wedding. My parents gave us 5000.00 and hubby's parents gave 5000.00. We were both working and we saved. Thats how we were able to afford it. Our wedding cost about 35,000 (about average for 200 people in NY) not including our honeymoon. Most weddings in the NorthEast are big fancy affairs. We also normally receive money as gifts (thus why most people from the Northeast tend to "cover their plate" as weddings are usually "nights out"). We received approx 15,000 in gifts which we then put down on a house.

Thank you so much for responding. I guess like anything it is about making it a priority - which I totally respect. I also get the cultural differences regarding this topic - especially the viewpoint that weddings are "nights out". I just think of all the different segments of the population who get married and I can't imagine everyone in your area (or any area) being able to pull this off.

I've probably been ot 30-35 weddings and they have run the gamut. My actual favorite was a small intimate on a beach in Hawaii with a nice luncheon reception for abotu 35 people. It was just lovely. I honestly don't recall if there was alcohol there or not . . . I kind of like having variety in the weddings I attend. Otherwise it gets really repetitive over time for me personally. Though of course I support the bride and groom doing what works for them and their families.

 

[mjkacmom]

We saved for 18 months to pay for our wedding. My parents gave us 5000.00 and hubby's parents gave 5000.00. We were both working and we saved. Thats how we were able to afford it. Our wedding cost about 35,000 (about average for 200 people in NY) not including our honeymoon. Most weddings in the NorthEast are big fancy affairs. We also normally receive money as gifts (thus why most people from the Northeast tend to "cover their plate" as weddings are usually "nights out"). We received approx 15,000 in gifts which we then put down on a house.

I agree with this. Also, keep in mind, at least where I live here in NJ, the median income is about $75,000, higher than in other areas. My parents paid for our wedding, my IL's paid for the flowers and rehearsal dinner. We used our wedding gift money towards a downpayment on a house.