New to this forum & have a ? about DS's behavior

[pandora174]

I will try to make it as short as possible. DS now 6 was a preemie, 6 weeks. He has been genetically tested (negative), had a brain scan, seen a neuro- cleared, orthopedist, cardiologist etc all clear as a baby/toddler. Since 15 months he underwent ST, OT & PT for "developmental delay". That was his diagnosis with language impairment.

He is now in first grade, mainstreamed, gets pulled out for ESE 1x per day & receives 1 hour of private ST. He has always had behavior problems as a toddler i.e. biting self, banging head, extreme tantrums. We took him to a pyschologist who advised this was due to his frustration due to lack of communication & immaturity & she taught us some behavior modifications. But that it was all "drama" her words for our attention & to ignore the bad behavior.

Fast foward to today. His behaviur has improved, he no longer hurts himself. Last year in Kinder as his first yeat mainstreamed in a strict Christian school was a nightmare, constant complaints. But the teacher & together with myself & DH handled it & he finished. All A's & B's but always conduct. This year he is better at conduct in school, talks alot & makes noises at his desk.

He is extremely social, I have him in church group every Sunday, every Saturday in Soccer & take him to every birthday party & play with the neighborhood kids as much as possible. He can be loud but never aggressive just very excitable around other children. He behaves well at parties, church, sports activiities. Nothing that would stand out just that he's really happy & loves other kids. He plays well with others, never pushes & is great with little ones & is not shy at all.

The problem is at home. It causes my DH & I to fight ALOT. One day DS does as he is told, the next he yells at us, curses, throws things & lately has been urinating & defecating in his room. It usually always starts with when he is told "no" to something. I am the disciplinarian & DH is the softie. We have discussed this & DH agrees we have to stand united but it's exhausting. After rounds of time outs, privileges revoked & the bad behavior keeps on & on to the point he will get a nose bleed from screaming. We're talking hours here. This happens at least 1 to 3 times a week. At this point DH will spank him, DS will say something mean & then go his room & then come back later like nothing happened.

I've spoken to DS & he always says "I don't know". I explain how he has to listen & that we love him but he can't do whatever he wants or destroy his home. He breaks every toy, he is rough. He has destroyed the verticals, painted on doors, urinated on the dog's bed, kicked & pushed his father etc. We have lived in our rental home for 1 year & have had to re-paint 2 times already. His verbal skills are excellent now. He's getting excellent grades in school. I just don't get it.

I do not want DH to spank him anymore. It's never drastic just a tap on the rear & he starts to cry & stops the behavior immediately. He's too old & it always leaves DH feeling horrible but a quiet house.

For example this past Firday & Saturday he behaved great. Did as he was told, a model child that we went to the movies. Last night after a horrible afternoon b/c he decided to take every blanket into the living room & I told him "no messes in the living room" he promptly refused. If you tell him to go to his room, he'll say " I am listening but I'm going to color in my book on the dining room table" I explain no, that is not listening, you were told to go your room. Then he says I'm not bothering I'll just play quietly, again no that is not listening etc. See how it goes. Then he screams "I am listening !!! OK OK OK " & then it ends with slamming doors, huge mess in the living room & this morning feces in his bedroom because he "couldn't make it to the bathroom" a few steps away from his room.

My DH thinks this is his personality & now we have to deal with the consequences. I am at my wits end. Anyone know of any behavior books or ideas ? Anyone dealt with a child like this ? At this point we have decided not to have another child because DS needs so much attention. Any suggestions ?

 

[LMC]

A development neuropsychologist would be a good person to consult with. They delve deeper into it than a neurologist. As far as the toileting in his room, I'd get him some disposable gloves and make him help clean it up. If you are the main disciplinarian and the one having to clean it up, he is probably doing this to get back at you. Has he been eval'd for ADHD yet? My youngest DS would constantly make noises (still does some even medicated), was always the loudest kid in the room, always moving around, and NO ONE ever wanted to keep him for me when I needed to go do something. I finally had him evaluated at age 8 and he was diagnosed as being severely ADHD. Conduct was always a problem last year until he was medicated. Now school is a dream. He does get medication 3x per day though but we have to do it to save everyone's sanity in this household!

 

[bookwormde]

I agree with the Neuropsycologist path also. My first gut feeling is that there are some significant sensory issues that have not been identified. If he has tactile sensory issues and was spanked that would explain the localization of much of the behaviors to home. I would also suggest modifying to a principles based approach to structures and rules that you need to apply within your family. This does require a lot more time and efforts and proceeding from a different point of view. There is definitely something going on that has not been identified yet.

bookwormde

 

[pandora174]

I agree with the Neuropsycologist path also. My first gut feeling is that there are some significant sensory issues that have not been identified. If he has tactile sensory issues and was spanked that would explain the localization of much of the behaviors to home. I would also suggest modifying to a principles based approach to structures and rules that you need to apply within your family. This does require a lot more time and efforts and proceeding from a different point of view. There is definitely something going on that has not been identified yet.

bookwormde

Thanks for the advice. His pediatrician specializes with special ed kids. None of his therapists ever mentioned anything else except he's immature, he'll grow out of it, just look at all the improvement etc. etc.

Regardless, I'll be taking him to his pediatrician for a referral. Is there a book or website to learn "principles based approach to structures". Is this a behavior modification program ? I started a board with stars on behavior for DS. I don't know if it will work but it's a try. If he doesn't listen or behaves he loses for ex. 30 min of computer time, if he listens he gets a star. Let's see how that works. If he can get through a week of more stars he gets a reward. He seemed to really like that idea. My DH also has agreed to not spank but to use time out & ignore the screaming & he noticed it worked for him yesterday. After 20 minutes DS saw the screaming wasn't getting him anywhere & he did his time out

 

[bookwormde]

I cannot say that there is any book devoted to “principles based” approach but is referenced in most behavioral and neurological variation texts. Basically it sidesteps the authoritative “rule” model which works (to a point) for typical children and uses an approach were structural limits are based on the principles behind what would be a typical “rule” with the time and efforts taken each time the child “strays” from these principles to review the principles, their basis how and to what extent the child is varying and the impact on others and the environment and practical examples of how the child could have met he principles in the particular situations and to build skills to make it easier to do that in similar situations. Of course the first step is to get the child to “buy into” the principle in the first place.

It has been my experience the rewards system only works for a very brief period of time and actually degrades into a worse situation with children who exhibit like your child since it does not get to the root cause, but maybe you will be one of the lucky families where it does work over the long run.

bookwormde