Never Loan Money to Friends or Family

[snarlingcoyote]

I bought the airfare for my BFF to attend another BFF's college graduation to save her about $200 - I can catch sales and know how to work these sorts of things and she's hopeless at them.

Well it's been 3 months. She has promised two months in a row that I'd get a check in the next couple of days. I've told her that if she's short, just to tell me and we can work something out, no problem!

So I get a card in the mail from her today.

And no check.

Dave Ramsey says that if you loan money to friends or family you shouldn't expect to get paid back if you want to keep the friend or keep the family member dear to you.

We once had some family members start using a car we'd left on their property when we moved (technically it was DH's mom's car) and after getting about $1K on a $6K car over a 3 year period, and knowing their financial situation we and DH's mom just said well, it's gone to a family that needs it badly, so it's now a gift with our love.

This is only about $650, so. But it still burns because the BFF in question always goes on and on about how upstanding she is and how she's a person who always pays people back.

And I already know she'll try to mooch if I don't stand up to her at BFF's graduation - she used to not be that way, either. I don't know what's gotten into her. She makes about 3/4 of what DH and I make put together AND gets bonuses AND gets stock options. (Which, to be fair, DH gets the occasionally itsy bonus and has a teensy bit of stock - nothing like what her company has handed out, though - and I don't get any of that. I was thrilled that we had a really nice company picnic this year!)

Okay, time to go pray and ask God to let me give this one up and not be resentful and then to suck it up and call her and tell her the airfare is now a gift, but she will be expected to pony up exactly half of the upcoming trip. And a private note to self not to use any of my airline miles to fly her anywhere or to take more than my half of any bill in the future with her - ever.

Okay, maybe in that prayer to God, I need to get him to work on my attitude too. . .

 

[ceecee]

Sounds like she's taking advantage of your friendship. Flat out ask her for the $.
We sold my nephew a car and he agreed to pay $150 a month and on the last payment (of 4) he didn't pay because the car needed repair! Not the $ just the principal of it! It was an old sports car. Which he sold for MORE than we sold it to him not working and had to tell everyone. Same kid took Grandma's car when she bought a new one FREE then bragged that he got $2000 when he totaled it. We learned our lesson. Do not lend unless it's a gift.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Sounds like she's taking advantage of your friendship. Flat out ask her for the $.
We sold my nephew a car and he agreed to pay $150 a month and on the last payment (of 4) he didn't pay because the car needed repair! Not the $ just the principal of it! It was an old sports car. Which he sold for MORE than we sold it to him not working and had to tell everyone. Same kid took Grandma's car when she bought a new one FREE then bragged that he got $2000 when he totaled it. We learned our lesson. Do not lend unless it's a gift.

I've flat out asked her for the money twice and so has DH.

But yeah, it's a hard lesson to learn. Thing is, when she was younger and broker, a couple of times we gave her money - a couple hundred here or there - because we didn't want her on the streets or whatever, and she always insisted on giving the money back. Always.

It's been just here recently in the past year or two that she's, I dunno. Taking me for granted. If we didn't have so many years history, I'd be just about completely fed up.

 

[squirrel]

If you haven't already gone to the graduation can you cancel the airline ticket. You would get at least some of the $ back and it would teach her a lesson.

 

[rock_doctor]

It's gone. Sorry, you don't lend money to friends and family. You give it to them, even if that was not what you had originally intended to do. Shame that she wants to chance ending your friendship for $650 but some people live at their means. She many not have it to part with. You have to decide how important your friendship is. If you are willing to let it go then take her to small clams court if not then just get her to pay for lunch, dinner and so on. It will take time to get it back but you can piece·meal it over time and get it back a dollar at a time.

 

[mrsklamc]

But yeah, it's a hard lesson to learn. Thing is, when she was younger and broker, a couple of times we gave her money - a couple hundred here or there - because we didn't want her on the streets or whatever, and she always insisted on giving the money back. Always.

Just a thought- are you sure she was broker? Just cause she's making more doesn't mean she is less strapped- some people just spend everything they get.

Sorry you're in this position. I personally wouldn't give up on it yet though.

 

[disneyfreakk]

If you haven't already gone to the graduation can you cancel the airline ticket. You would get at least some of the $ back and it would teach her a lesson.

I don't think that the airline would credit back the OPs credit card. A airline credit would be issued to the ticket holder. I book our guys airfare for work and this is how it works with the airlines I have dealt with.

 

[disneyfreakk]

OP, since you are so savy about booking airfare this may come up again. If it does, why not get that persons credit card and personal info and buy the airfare with their cc? They would get the awesome discount and you would get the warm fuzzys of helping someone out without the chance of being screwed over.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

OP, since you are so savy about booking airfare this may come up again. If it does, why not get that persons credit card and personal info and buy the airfare with their cc? They would get the awesome discount and you would get the warm fuzzys of helping someone out without the chance of being screwed over.

Actually, that sounds like a plan for the future! I just never would've thunk that this person, out of all people, would stiff me.

But yeah, if she's strapped for cash, I've asked her - just TELL ME! Let me know! I can work with that. Don't keep on telling me "I'll send it, I'll send it."

I think if she hadn't sent me that card without a check I wouldn't be steamed right now. That was just the icing on the cake. She knew she'd promised to send me a check in the mail, so I open the mailbox see a card from her and I think "oh. Finally. Yeah!" And I'm all happy and telling myself, see, she's not flaking out on me, she's the same person. And then I open the card and there's no check.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Just a thought- are you sure she was broker? Just cause she's making more doesn't mean she is less strapped- some people just spend everything they get.

Sorry you're in this position. I personally wouldn't give up on it yet though.

Yeah. I have noticed that she puts far more money into her retirement than the advisors tell you to do and whatever is left she spends until she has nothing left.

This is not my problem, normally. Dh and I are both thrifty and spendy, but in entirely different ways, so we manage to keep each other in check, but I can see how not having someone to help you be thrifty in the right ways could lead to some bad choices that would just snowball.

Still. If she would just suck it up and say to me "I can't send you the check because of XYZ." We'd be good. She was in a car wreck and dinged her bumper and had to get it fixed. (I'm sure she was just out her deductible though.) I offered that as an out to let her save face. I mean, hey, these things happen. I can eat it for a while - I'm making the grand sum of .75% on my savings accounts right now. No big.

And she still insisted she was sending me a check.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Just talked to DH who is away on business. I'll just tell her, you pay for the hotel room all nights we are away and for the rental car. The hotel room I know is one she can pay for with points for 3 of the 4 nights and the rental car is only $200. If we paid cash money, it would be even stevens, so that's fair.

I am still steamed about the card. She does things like this occasionally and I don't understand it. I think she is just trying to avoid conflict "What? I didn't put a check in the card?" but after 17 years, you'd think she'd figure out that I do better with just a straightforward "I goofed. Whoops!"

Of course, after 17 years, you'd think I'd figure out that she hates admitting when she's goofed up or needs extra help.

Yeah, neither one of us is in the running for Ms. Perfect, but then, who is.

 

[mrsklamc]

I would call her up and tell her just what you are telling us. " hey you said you'd be mailing a check so that card really got my hopes up. I need to know exactly when you'll be sending it."

 

[ceecee]

Just talked to DH who is away on business. I'll just tell her, you pay for the hotel room all nights we are away and for the rental car. The hotel room I know is one she can pay for with points for 3 of the 4 nights and the rental car is only $200. If we paid cash money, it would be even stevens, so that's fair.

QUOTE]

That sounds like a plan!

 

[beansmom]

Dave Ramsey says that if you loan money to friends or family you shouldn't expect to get paid back if you want to keep the friend or keep the family member dear to you.

.

well, YEAH. I NEVER lend money I expect to see back. That way I'm not disappointed and am often pleasantly surprised.

 

[beansmom]

It's been just here recently in the past year or two that she's, I dunno. Taking me for granted. If we didn't have so many years history, I'd be just about completely fed up.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

 

[DeltaDiamond001]

I'd cancel the ticket. At this point, it's more about the principle than the money.

 

[squirrel]

I'd cancel the ticket. At this point, it's more about the principle than the money.

As long as the credit goes to the OP. I think most Airlines are now making the credit in the persons name on the ticket. They may make an exception since the OP paid with her CC.

If the airline will credit the OP in $ or points, then I say go for it. I don't think her friend will get any notification that it is cancelled unless she tells her. It will be only a day away from the flight when she finds out and does the online check in. Maybe I'm mean but that would be

 

[hsmamato2]

So I get a card in the mail from her today.

And no check.

Dave Ramsey says that if you loan money to friends or family you shouldn't expect to get paid back if you want to keep the friend or keep the family member dear to you.

Do you still want this person as a friend? B/C she isn't much of one. Is she really still 'dear to you?' if so,then no complaining,and just pay for everything she wants you to. If you feel like you've been cheated and taken advantage of, then let her know that you're no longer concerned about keeping her 'dear' to you,and she needs to pay it back . Does small claims take care of these type of things? IMHO,that person wouldn't be my 'friend' anymore.

 

[hsmamato2]

No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

 

[bpesch]

She does things like this occasionally and I don't understand it.

The fact that you know this tells me that you should have been careful about the whole process right in the beginning. Not to sound mean or anything but you can't be taken advantage of unless you allow it to happen.