Never been in this situation before--need advice

[pearlieq]

A few years ago we came to know that my BIL had fathered a child. He and the mother really don't get along well and BIL doesn't have any formal visitation or regular contact with his son.

Luckily the mom has been willing to stay in contact with me and so I get regular updates, pictures, etc. This is relatively new and I really don't want to screw it up.

With Christmas coming, I'd like to send a gift. I don't know how that works with his siblings. He's got 3 older brothers (all mid to late teens) and 2 younger sisters (2 year old twins).

Do I sent a gift for just him? Do I need to buy all the kids gifts?

I don't want anyone to feel left out, but I don't really know the other kids. I know 2 year olds aren't too hard to buy for, but I don't even know the teenagers' names, let alone what they'd like.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Any advice?

 

[MsLeFever]

Could you send a family gift? Something that would be special for the child but that they could all enjoy - like a Wii games?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How about sending the mom a gift and then including some gift cards for the kids?

That is my thought on it.

Tricky situation. Although you could probably just send a gift to the mom and the son, since there are 5 siblings.

Or how about include food so they can share in the gift? That might be a diplomatic way to go about it.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I'd send something for the whole family. Best not to single anyone out, especially if the relationship with mom is tenuous. How about a family movie 'box'? A DVD or two, a box of candy and a mini bag of popcorn for each child, some packets of Koolaid or something (if you have to mail it, otherwise a couple bottles of soda or another drink 'treat'), maybe even a gift cert for pizza from a place local to them.

 

[Rafiki31]

I would def get a family gift! I think this would be the PERFECT situation for a family movie basket. Put in a pizza gift certificate, a netflix or blockbuster GC, and some candy and popcorn.

That way they can all enjoy together, and it will not cost a fortune. No one will feel left out.

edit- Brens mom, great minds think alike, must have been posting at the same time!

 

[bgohre]

If it was me, I would have no problem just getting your BIL's son a gift. You have no relation with any of the other kids and are not obligated to buy them anything. Their mother should be able to explain to them who the gift is from and why.

If you start sending them all gifts now, you will have to do it until the end of time.

 

[mickeyboat]

I would also not feel too badly about just sending one child a gift. I wouldn't make it something really flashy that will make the other kids insanely jealous, but something to let him know I was thinking about him.

Maybe you could ask the mom if she thinks it would be o.k.

Growing up I received gifts for Christmas and birthdays from my godparents that my brothers did not receive, and vice versa. We understood.

 

[Pakey]

Having a mixed family, I know that my husband and I both felt that the kids had to be treated the same. So my vote is for a family gift.

 

[eeyore kelly]

I vote for a small gift for the child and a family gift basket for all. The other kids are not being left out, but yet, the little guy that is special to you, gets a little something special.

 

[Stacerita]

I vote for a small gift for the child and a family gift basket for all. The other kids are not being left out, but yet, the little guy that is special to you, gets a little something special.

Another vote for a small gift for the child, and a family gift for everyone.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Just buy a game or a book everyone can share.

 

[pearlieq]

Thanks for the input!

I like the idea of a small gift just for him and a larger family gift for everyone to share.

Off to see how much I can stuff in a flat-rate postal box!

 

[Erin1700]

May I suggest that if you do a family movie night box, put in a bag or 2 of goldfish crackers or something. The 2 yr olds might not be allowed popcorn.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

A few years ago we came to know that my BIL had fathered a child. He and the mother really don't get along well and BIL doesn't have any formal visitation or regular contact with his son.

Luckily the mom has been willing to stay in contact with me and so I get regular updates, pictures, etc. This is relatively new and I really don't want to screw it up.

With Christmas coming, I'd like to send a gift. I don't know how that works with his siblings. He's got 3 older brothers (all mid to late teens) and 2 younger sisters (2 year old twins).

Do I sent a gift for just him? Do I need to buy all the kids gifts?

I don't want anyone to feel left out, but I don't really know the other kids. I know 2 year olds aren't too hard to buy for, but I don't even know the teenagers' names, let alone what they'd like.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Any advice?

I would do a little bit more research into the family dynamics.

Are the other kid's paternal families involved in their lives? Do they get presents from them but your BIL's son does not? If that is the case, he may be feeling left out and a present just for him might make him feel special too. If he is ignored by his half-sibling's families, he may be resentful to have to share "his family's" gift with them when he is not recognized by their families. With 5 half siblings, there is the possibility that the other families only buy for their children/grandchildren. It would be good to find out.

If the other kids' father(s)/families are not that involved, then I vote for the small special gift for him and the family gift. Still make him feel connected to his family, yet not ignoring the other kids.

Your best bet is just to ask the person who knows best, their mother. Just tell her you want to get the son a present and ask how would she would like to handle it. Would it be better for the boy to get his own present or would she prefer including all the kids in a family gift? She would know best.

 

[dicar123]

My mother was in a similar situation. She did send gifts for all of the children in the family. Then as the kids got older, it just got harder and harder. She didn't know them at all, but how do you just stop?

 

[quasar4legs]

Another vote for a family gift, I would never ignore some of the children in a blended family.

Glad you are able to have ongoing contact with your niece.

 

[golfgal]

Another vote for a family gift, I would never ignore some of the children in a blended family.

Glad you are able to have ongoing contact with your niece.

Is it a blended family though??? It sounds like this boy lives with his mom and has no contact with the Dad.

I would send the nephew a gift and nothing for the rest of the kids.

 

[bookgirl]

I've been on both ends of this (as a step and as the aunt of a step). If you have no relationship with the other children then a gift to your nephew only is not out of line.