Need words of wisdom from my DVC friends about leaving kids at home.

[disney-super-mom]

DH and I have are finally getting over to WDW (in late January) to check out the DVC resorts and the parks, and take a DVC tour. We're staying at SSR.

It's our first trip to WDW...and our first time EVER away from our kids (DS 7 and DS 3).

At first I was THRILLED about the trip and some alone time for just DH and I, but now I'm having second thoughts about going without the kids. I'm especially worried about leaving Ryan, our 7 year old, because he's high functioning autistic. I don't want anything to happen to him while we're gone.

Their nana is staying with them while we're gone. She loves them with all her heart, but I think she's a bit clueless (or maybe it's denial) when it comes to Ryan's autism. As a "normal" person, she looks at things in a logical way. For example, if the batteries go dead in her clock, she'll just put in new batteries, no big deal. However, when the batteries went dead in Ryan's clock in the middle of the night, it scared him to death. You would have thought the world was coming to an end. He started weeping and was very distraught. Of course, once we put in new batteries, he was fine and started to giggle a little about the whole thing. BUT, he constantly worries about the batteries going dead again. This is not logical, but it's the way Ryan thinks, about many many things, and Nana just doesn't "get it".

She is always wondering "why" with Ryan. Why does he do that? Why does he think like that? Why doesn't he do it like a "normal" person? She doesn't understand that when it comes to Ryan, it doesn't matter "why" he does anything. All that matters is that it "is" the way it is with Ryan, and that's all there is to it.

Anyway, it has really started to worry me. Even to the point that I'm having dreams about it at night. Now I'm starting to stress about leaving them at home. I'm starting to feel guilty. I'm actually thinking about taking them with us.

One the other hand, I think DH and I "need" this trip for ourselves. I think with all the stress we've been through the past 8 years, and especially lately since DH lost his job in November, that we need a bit of a breather.

But how can I take a breather and enjoy our alone time together if all I'm doing is worrying about Ryan?

I know that this is just a silly, pointless thread, but honestly I don't know what I'm going to do or why I feel the way I do.

I know a lot of the DVC members have enough points that it affords them the opportunity to take trips without their kids, so if you have any words of wisdom for me, I'm all ears!

 

[graygables]

Having a HFA DD and another w/ suspected bipolar and being their primary caregiver as well as educator (we e-school), I know how you feel. My mother is the same way, with her it is denial. She refuses to acknowledge that anything could possibly be wrong and just calls them brats. Obviously, I can't leave them with her.

If their Nana can still care for them and do what needs to be done, then I don't see a problem. You may have to lay out some boundaries ahead of time: you can't "fix" the problem, so don't try, just do it the way it has to be done to be successful. Asking "why" is not moving forward, the answer will always be the same: "because that's the way it is".

It is very difficult to not worry about our children, esp when they are different, BUT you have to learn to get beyond the worry. Having followed your situation, IMO, adding them to the trip is a mistake.

A) You are going clear across the country, so transportation costs would double.

B)Last I read you were on the DDP, so those costs would increase (and it's already a lot of food, btw, here's a hint for you...we would get cookies or some kind of portable dessert w/ the counter service for a snack later, then used snack credits for Mickey Rice Krispie treats that pack well and hold up to bring home for souvenirs! We wound up with 11 snack credits the last day )

C) You and your DH have been through a hard thing and need a break and time away together. My DH and I have never had an alone trip in our nearly 12 years of marriage and it's beginning to show. I worry about what is going to happen when our DDs (10 & 8) are grown and gone b/c we have really lost touch outside the children.

D) Your children probably could use a break from you. I know MINE need a break from me as much as I do from them. I used to hover a lot more and now it's become easier for me to step back. I had to practice, though. DH sent me on a couple of solo trips to WDW which helped me see in a practical way that someone else really can keep fed and clean (well, fed anyway ) without me. I started dropping them off at dance, skating, art class, church things, etc rather than stay around. It's made a huge difference in my attitude AND theirs. Granted, since we e-school and are around one another so much, it was more of a leap than if I put them on a bus everyday, but still it really helped me detach for a bit and just be ME for a few hours a week.

The closer I get to a trip, the more weird dreams I have. It's just a matter of my mind playing out my fears. As long as I remember those are only my fears and not reality or premonitions, I'm OK. It's completely normal to feel the way you are (not at all "silly" or "pointless"), but I honestly believe once you get there, all of that will ease up and you will have a great time. When I was on my solo trips, I scheduled calls to check on everyone back home and told myself that THAT was my time to think about it. When the call was over, it was ME time again (although I also had to remind myself a LOT that "I'm worth it"). Remind yourself that you will be a better Mom for it, rejuvinated and ready to plan the next trip WITH them when you get home!

 

[mikron]

I can't put my self in your place, I think you deserve some alone time in life. This trip will take a lot of thinking about investing in DVC. Your son will injoy many trips to disney with you in the future. If you need a referral, PM me for my info and my guide he is great.

 

[mamatojon]

Just a thought too, it might be good for Nana to spend this time with Ryan. If there are no worries that she is going to be mean or abusive or something like that, then maybe it would be good for both of them that she sees the real life day to day stuff, maybe she'd be more clued in to his autism? I don't know because I don't have that situation, but if you are sure she will be loving towards your kids then I'm sure it will all work out okay in the end. If I remember right you are only gone four nights right? That's not too long to be away.

That all said, if you do decide to take them, I'm sure you will still have a great time. As a parent I have always done what my heart is telling me and tried not to overthink things too much. Do what feels best for you. How does your husband feel about it?

 

[bobbiwoz]

I was studing to be a teacher in the '60's and there was a book, I think called Son Rise, regarding autism. That book opened my eyes and helped me understand autism. I wonder if you could suggest that nana read a book to help her understand what is going on. I agree that you need some time, and I think it's great that you'll have this opportunity. I would be more confident if nana did have a clue, both for her sake and your DSs.

Bobbi

 

[solgent]

I have left my children quite a few times; DH stayed with them. My trips were for business or a couple of times for me to get together with a good friend who lives in another state.

My situation is different in many respects. However, I can say this:

Always, when I planned the trip I felt fine about it. I knew I didn't have a lot of choice (on the business trips) or it would be really fun (on the friend trips). But anxiety and second-guessing always kicked in a couple of weeks before departure. "Maybe I'll get sick and won't have to go." "Why did I plan this?" "Is there no way out?" "I won't enjoy it." "I'll be counting the minutes until I get back." All these thoughts would run through my head.

Every time, these worries fell away when I got on the plane. At that point, I was on my way and it was like I knew that these kinds of thoughts weren't accomplishing anything. I still missed the kids at times but I was distracted by my new surroundings, and while I was there, I was reminded again and again that I couldn't have brought them, it wouldn't have worked, and the best thing was to be present where I was and make the most of it.

If you have a good plan in place and have confidence in the care-giver, then I think and hope that you will be able to relax & enjoy once your trip begins.

Your care-giver will not handle everything the way you would. Gosh, that reminds me of the time earlier this year when, in my absence, DH tried to help DD with a homework project and his well-meant intervention left both of them upset and angry. I had to talk to both of them on the phone at length and I was late for a lunch date. I was angry at DH for not handling it better, not backing off when DD asked him to, requiring me to step in from hundreds of miles away. But, whatever. It happened, and I should be glad that I was able to calm things down a bit. I was stressed at the time but it didn't ruin the trip or make anyone say I shouldn't go away. It's just something that happened. I certainly hope everything goes smoothly on both sides for your family, but if not, it seems like you're well able to accept what life shows you.

 

[Pennyguy23]

Parents need some alone time. You shouldn't feel guilty about it. Also you are in for a HUGE treat. We go to Disneyland once a year and Disneyworld two or three times a year. Disneyworld is ALOT more fun, and alot more things to do. Have a GREAT trip.

 

[disney-super-mom]

Thanks everyone! I actually feel better and much, much more confident about taking this trip now that I've read your responses.

Yes, Nana (my mom-in-law) will be a good caretaker. She'd never do anything to harm the kids. DH is not to worried at all. In fact he's more worried about her instead of the kids. In other words, she's 65 years old and hasn't spent four nights and days with kids that young since her own kids.

I think I'm just going through the usual second thoughts that any parent goes through when they leave their kids for the first time, except my second thoughts are just a little more compounded because of Ryan's problems. Overall though, he's a pretty easy going kid. He's quiet, reserved, and loving - definately a gentle soul. But he has moments of fright or can get upset by something minor to the point of wheeping. Not crying really - more of a quiet sobbing where the tears just stream down his face.

Anyway, she has spent a lot of time with the kids over the years. She takes them out almost every weekend - to a movie, or a playground, or out to eat. They have a lot of fun together.

Everyone I've talked to about this, including DH, says "You're CRAZY! LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME! THEY'LL BE FINE! GEESH!"

Okay, so I'm being a bit overprotective. I've just got to buck up and get over it!

Boy, I think that's easier said than done.