Need to vent

[fly girl]

@luvnwdwgal, sorry I missed this post earlier and Happy (belated) Birthday! Sounds like you made the best of your day after the rocky start. I am so happy to read that.

I am glad you conveyed your thoughts to your husband. I don't know if he just forgot about your morning plans or if he blew them off , but I am glad you advocated for yourself. If you have been with him for 40+ years no doubt he has some wonderful attributes, but no one perfect. Keep vocalizing when he is dropping the ball.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

Might be worth thinking about: Tell your husband that you are offering him the chance to give you a "do-over" birthday this year. Set a date, and let him know specifically how you want to spend the day with him. Then do it. It's too easy to simply apologize considering this is a long standing issue. Good practice for him for next year!

 

[mumto3girls]

I wish it were that simple. My husband’s siblings refuse to have her declared incompetent so if she causes enough trouble, which she’s perfectly capable of doing, then she’ll get thrown out and will have to go back home. The in home care she just had couldn’t even take care of her and lasted only 4 days. Fortunately one of them had connections to the nursing home and got her in but it’s not a done deal. She wants out and wants to go home.

I’m sorry, OP. This sounds like an extraordinarily difficult situation. I am hoping for you that your MIL stays put. I do think it is important though, no matter what happens with her, for you to have an honest conversation with your husband about what you need going forward. He may have obligations to his mother, but his primary obligation is to you and it is up to you to reach an understanding with him about what that looks like. Sure, with elderly parents emergencies come up (been there done that with all 4 of our parents in the last decade) and plans may need to be altered or postponed, but it sounds as though you are always last and that should not be the case. I wish you the best.

 

[shh]

Reddit has a subreddit called JustNoSO and there are some doozies there. (there's also JustNoMIL, JustNoFamily, and JustNoFIL as well) Some of the stories are very over the top, some clearly fake, but there are some that are pretty real and honest. I've posted on the MIL subreddit myself about my now deceased MIL.

Or in other words:

 

[barkley]

I wish it were that simple. My husband’s siblings refuse to have her declared incompetent so if she causes enough trouble, which she’s perfectly capable of doing, then she’ll get thrown out and will have to go back home. The in home care she just had couldn’t even take care of her and lasted only 4 days. Fortunately one of them had connections to the nursing home and got her in but it’s not a done deal. She wants out and wants to go home.

i've not read of all of your challenges with your mil but i just wanted to let you know from a personal perspective having dealt with something somewhat similar/having retired from social services-if the call comes from the nursing home and your mil cannot safely live alone it may be the best option to get adult protective services involved. even with the buy-in of siblings it can be near impossible to get someone declared incompetent (i also have legal guardianship of my disabled adult child so i'm familiar with the legal process). doctors are VERY HESITANT to sign off. adult protective services however will look to the safety and well being of the senior person and can take steps to make sure the person is in a VIABLE, safe environment. that sometimes means them working with the nursing home to prevent/delay a forced removal until appropriate care/housing is available (and mil just figuring her kids will 'figure it out' does not cut it, the other adult children of the person saying 'such and such has handled it before, he'll deal with it now' does not cut it-they have to observe the plan actively and effectively in place).

if your husband is open to it you might want to see if you have a local ombudsman organization that oversees adult care. they can educate you about options, explain how adult protective services can help if it comes to that, and just help explore what options are out there in your area and if they are even viable (i had a predatory sibling who was mom's 'yes man' only b/c he was concerned about inheriting-once the ombudsman were aware of the dynamic they knew to make adult protective services aware that any promises or guarantees on his part had to be fully vetted b/c he would convince mom of options that were entirely inappropriate/not feasible).


good luck to you. take care.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

So today is my 60th birthday. I had mentioned to my husband last week that it would be nice to go out to breakfast and go for a walk on the pier. Yesterday he tells me that him and his brother are going to go visit their mother and then go fishing. My MIL is a very sore subject to everybody in the family because they’ve been taking care of her 24/7 for over 2 1/2 years and she makes the wicked witch of the west look like a saint. But thank goodness she recently finally went into a nursing home about 35 minutes away from us. Anyway, I was surprised to hear that my husband had totally forgotten our plans. What I wasn’t surprised about was the fact that whatever his family wants or needs comes first before me. It’s been that way for over 40 years. He did mention that he would go grab some breakfast for me at McDonald’s before they left though. He didn’t even bother to do that. He just left while I was still in bed. It’s not about forgetting breakfast, it’s that he blew me off…on my birthday no less. He tells me that I’m the most important person in his life but I’m not. That’s why nothing gets done on our house. He’s always helping other people. Usually his family. So now I’m sitting here crying because it hurts. But I’ll shake it off and pretend it never happened by the time he gets home because I won’t want him to feel bad. Thanks for letting me vent.

I am truly sorry.
First and foremost HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I enjoy a celebration big or small. I understand wanting to do something "special"
Your husband could be my husbands twin brother, I need say no more.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

So today is my 60th birthday. I had mentioned to my husband last week that it would be nice to go out to breakfast and go for a walk on the pier. Yesterday he tells me that him and his brother are going to go visit their mother and then go fishing. My MIL is a very sore subject to everybody in the family because they’ve been taking care of her 24/7 for over 2 1/2 years and she makes the wicked witch of the west look like a saint. But thank goodness she recently finally went into a nursing home about 35 minutes away from us. Anyway, I was surprised to hear that my husband had totally forgotten our plans. What I wasn’t surprised about was the fact that whatever his family wants or needs comes first before me. It’s been that way for over 40 years. He did mention that he would go grab some breakfast for me at McDonald’s before they left though. He didn’t even bother to do that. He just left while I was still in bed. It’s not about forgetting breakfast, it’s that he blew me off…on my birthday no less. He tells me that I’m the most important person in his life but I’m not. That’s why nothing gets done on our house. He’s always helping other people. Usually his family. So now I’m sitting here crying because it hurts. But I’ll shake it off and pretend it never happened by the time he gets home because I won’t want him to feel bad. Thanks for letting me vent.

I am truly sorry.
First and foremost HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I enjoy a celebration big or small. I understand wanting to do something "special"
Your husband could be my husbands twin brother, I need say no more.

 

[Dan Murphy]

@luvnwdwgal, stopping to hope things go better for you in the future. Recognition of a spouse is so important. A day late here, but hope your day, overall, was in the end, good for you. If I was nearby, I'd give you a

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Almost everyone who goes into a nursing home wants out and wants to go home. But unfortunately, if she needs skilled care, she needs skilled care. And whether she or her sons want to declare her incompetent or not, if she’s not competent, or, in medical speak, her mental status is altered, then she can’t just leave or get thrown out. What might have to happen, though, is that her family is forced to hire personal aides (possibly round the clock) to keep her behavior under wraps, and that can be pretty expensive. But many people have to do it (including my own family at one time). At any rate, they’re used to dealing with that sort of things so hopefully they should be able to work it out. Wishing all of you peace with that situation.

I am truly sorry.
First and foremost HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I enjoy a celebration big or small. I understand wanting to do something "special"
Your husband could be my husbands twin brother, I need say no more.

That’s funny. My husband is a twin.

 

[easyas123]

OP - did you end up discussing how you felt with your husband and get anything resolved?

 

[luvnwdwgal]

OP - did you end up discussing how you felt with your husband and get anything resolved?

I did. He was glad I said something to him. He realizes that his mother is sucking the life out of everybody. He’s so distracted. We ended up enjoying the rest of the evening.

 

[easyas123]

I did. He was glad I said something to him. He realizes that his mother is sucking the life out of everybody. He’s so distracted. We ended up enjoying the rest of the evening.

Nice! I'm so glad it was a resolution that benefited you.