Need some boyfriend advice...

[JerseyBallerina]

We've been together for 4 years and have talked about getting engaged but we both agreed that we should wait until we're more financially stable. Believe me, we've both heard from people that we shouldn't be moving in together but we think it's the best thing for our relationship right now. If I don't live with him, I would have to move back home - I can't live by myself and no friends are looking for a place to live.

Also, it's been something we've been planning since last summer.It's not a spur of the moment type thing which is why we've been doing our research and looking at different places before settling.

I just feel like I'm getting conflicting advice from everyone and I'm very confused about what we're going to do.

 

[dodukes]

I have no advice on the apartment yet but i do have to say to GO ON SPRING BREAK!!!....if you are graduating , its your last and believe me I miss them..lol. But serioulsy just because he cant afford to go doesnt mean you shouldnt. I live with dbf and theres a lot of things we cant do tgether due to he works m-f like me but he works till 9pm at night all day and its very hard for him to take time off. He cant take time off around hoidays etc. In the past 6 months I have taken 3 trips without him, two of them short, weekends(long weekdns) and one to visit family in europe for like 16days. yeah its sad that he cant go but i am not stopping my life all the time for something that he wont be able to do due to work. I dont mean to sound mean about it, but just think about it, what if later on down the line you break up with this guy and you regret not ever going on spring break, or even if you dont, you still might regret it. If you can afford it and want to go, he shouldnt be upset about it. He should support your decision to go.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

My dbf and I are planning on moving in together sometime this year (hopefully). He makes quite a bit more than I do and has been able to save more than me (I pay a lot in rent right now and he pays next to nothing), so we're going to find a place we can afford equally and use any extra money in buying a place of our own eventually. I just wouldn't feel right if he paid more rent each month than I did.

 

[frndshpcptn]

My advice - first of all - go on spring break. I didn't go on break my senior year because of my college boyfriend and I really regret it.

Second, if you are only looking to move in together so you don't have to move to your parents house, then maybe living together isn't the right step. If your parents are agreeable, move back for 6 months to a year while you get on your feet work-wise and then see where things stand with your boyfriend. If he really is the one, living with your parents for a bit should not change that and you can still plan to get engaged when the time is financially right.

 

[Hercules10]

*Stash your extra cash (make sure it's 100% in your name).

*Then find a place that fits within your combine income level at graduation.

*Find something fun to do with him over spring break. You don't have to go out partying with your friends to enjoy your time off.

Personally I think it's OK to shack before getting hitched.

Good luck!

 

[JerseyBallerina]

I am considering going on Spring Break but I know what would happen. He would borrow the money from somebody, probably his parents, so he could go too. His parents don't have a lot of money but they always manage to give him and his brother whatever they want. And that's just more money he owes someone else instead of paying for the apartment.

Of course I would rather go to Cancun instead of staying here in Jersey, where it is currently -10 degrees but there so many other things to consider.

 

[noseybuddy]

Not getting a job during the school year doesn't = lazy. .

I never said that it did. If you noticed, asking about being lazy was my second question. Just trying to see where his mind is at. I also asked this question before the OP told us about his major and how hard it is.

 

[DMickey28]

and I'm not sure whether what she's doing is a good thing or a bad thing.

I work in an area of D.C. that is being "revitalized." About 2 years ago, they vacated the "projects" directly behind our office building. All the buildings were boarded up and fenced in but, of course, there were holes and such in the fence and cats and HUGE rats were living in them.

A woman in our building was going out there several times a day and setting up food for the cats. She would also try to catch them and take them to her home and have them adopted out.

Well, they finally tore down the buildings a few months ago and, for now, they are vacant lots with some debris. Each day I have seen this woman walk out there with boxes, food, and water. I realize she wants to *help* the cats but, at the same time, I can't help but think she is prolonging the agony. Also, the stuff she puts out is attracting rats and seagulls.

As an animal lover, I understand the desire to help, but on another level, I'm thinking it's not the wisest thing to do at this point.

 

[JerseyBallerina]

My biggest fear is the resentment we'll have towards each other. If we get the expensive apartment, he might feel resentment towards me for taking away his "manhood" or whatever. And I know I will him if we live in the cheaper place and I'm not happy because I would know we had the capability to live in a better place. It seems like a lose lose situation but there has to be a solution that makes us both happy.

 

[chyam]

Just my opinion but you have to give the guy credit for wanting to pay his share, so many guys I know "live" off their girlfriends! If you really love him enough to move in with him then finding a "comfortable" but affordable apt. should be the priority, not wanting to move into an apt. with him because it isn't exactly what you want and expect (even though you are willing to pay more than your share to get it) just screams to me that you do not care enough for him to be willing to compromise, and quite honestly that is not the way to start a relationship. Relationships are about compromise and trying to meet each other's desires, he is man enough to admit that he does not want to be supported by you but yet he cares enough about you to want to live with you. Down the road when he is making the money then it's time to let him be the breadwinner if he wants, alot of men were raised that way and I think are a much better mate then those who expect others to pick up their slack..........just my 2 cents.

 

[JerseyBallerina]

It really is a good quality of his that he wants to pay for everything but he never, ever lets me pay for him. Even when we go to the movies or get pizza. If he's having a rough week, he might not pay for me but he has always paid for himself. Like you said, it was how he was raised. Both his parents worked but his mom stopped after she got pregnant with his older brother. He saw that his father took care of his mother and he has this idea that if a guy can't "take care" of his girlfriend/wife, he isn't a real man.

But because he applies to all situations, it can get annoying. Especially when I'm stuck worrying and feeling guilty that he can't afford it when he doesn't think twice about it.

 

[Sandy V.]

Relationships are rarely 50-50. They are usually 70-30. You just have to decide if a certain issue is that important to you that you want to fight for the "70" and when it's okay to let it drop and live with the "30".

And that's something you and your boyfriend are going to have to decide. Frankly, I think there are bigger battles to fight than this one, but that's just me.

 

[northcapemaymom]

I thought I'd put in my 2 cents.

Go on your Spring Break. I went my senior year in college and it was a great experience. It's a nice life experience that won't come again.

Hold up on the apartment. Concentrate on your studies, kick butt on your finals, and enjoy the end of your college experience. If you have a soft place to fall at home, go there, get your jobs set up (you never know what your commute could be or what opportunities may present itself), and then look for an apartment. Even if you're back home for a month or two, it's a small amount of time compared to the rest of your life. I know from my own experience my mind was clearer to make important decisions when I was home and done with school than under pressure with college stuff.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and I'm sure you will put in a lot of thought into your final decision. Just keep communicating with your boyfriend and tell him not to get to hung up on the money thing. Not everyone has the same amount of money at the same time. Good luck with your plans and Congratulations on your upcoming Graduation!!

 

[kennancat]

Of course, I would prefer to live in the nice apartment but I don't want him to feel like he owes me anything or that I'm taking away his manhood or something. I'm thinking of telling him it's either the nice apartment or we won't live with each other at all but I don't know what his reaction will be.

Money plays a big role in our relationship already. Like, I would offer to pay for dinner or something and he gets all offended, like I'm insinuating that he has no money. He refuses to ask me for money and he owes various friends and family members about $1,000 because he refuses to admit he can't do something or go somewhere because he doesn't have the money.

I know this is horrible, but I'm not going on spring break with my friends because I knew he couldn't afford it and I didn't want him to feel bad about it so I'm staying home with him.

For me, these things would be major, major red flags. There are many couples out there where the wife makes more than the husband. For him to feel emasculated by not being the primary breadwinner would mean that he has values and priorities that are not compatible with mine. You may not feel the same way I do, but if you do, this is a discussion you need to have with him sooner rather than later.

 

[KristiKelly]

For me, these things would be major, major red flags. There are many couples out there where the wife makes more than the husband. For him to feel emasculated by not being the primary breadwinner would mean that he has values and priorities that are not compatible with mine. You may not feel the same way I do, but if you do, this is a discussion you need to have with him sooner rather than later.

I agree.

I would hold off on the expensive apartment. Save that money for a down pmt. on a house in a few years. You will be so glad you did.

 

[*Fantasia*]

what about later in time after you guys are married, when you make more money than he does and you want a bigger house a nicer car and he tells you that you guys should just purchase a smaller house and a less expensive car because of what he can afford, would that be a problem for you? or what if he tells you that you have to be a stay at home wife/mom, would you be okay with that?

i guess some of these things you might want to think about if the "manhood" or "ego" is very important to him and you really love him and want to be with him for the rest of your lives, then you and him have to compromise somewhere to make the relationship to work, otherwise, it will be a problem later, just like it's a problem now. you need to bring this issue up so you both know what to expect in the future.

my advice.. take the spring break. just to make him happy and this is just a temporary apartment, just go with the smaller apartment.

 

[LadyShiva]

For me, these things would be major, major red flags. There are many couples out there where the wife makes more than the husband. For him to feel emasculated by not being the primary breadwinner would mean that he has values and priorities that are not compatible with mine. You may not feel the same way I do, but if you do, this is a discussion you need to have with him sooner rather than later.

I also agree with this.

Be very sure you can make the apartment rent by yourself. Not only is that protection for your own credit rating, you really do need to know you can depend on yourself. The ramifications are lifelong; sooooo many women are unable to make hard decisions in their own favor because they are financially dependent on a man.

You need to learn who you are before you pledge everything to a partner. The best relationships are made from equals who acknowledge the needs and strengths of their partner, in my experience. It might be best for you to scale down your dreams for your first "real" apartment to one you can afford by yourself.

If he does end up helping with the rent and having his own space in the apartment, that would be better for your relationship in the long run. You have the help financially; you've addressed his request for equality in your relationship; and you have the knowledge of knowing if he walked out, you wouldn't take a hit financially as well as emotionally.

You two aren't married, and currently aren't on the path to get married (not planning on getting engaged until you are financially "secure"<--good luck!), so don't treat this as a marriage. The expectations are that you'll have a roommate, not a life mate. You two just happen to like each other a great deal and have been dating for a long while. You both seem like you're not ready to be life partners, so relax and give yourself time.

About going on Spring Break... I see that as a symptom of you two not being ready to settle down. He won't talk frankly of his real finances, and you aren't ready to compromise a good time to make him happy. Think about that. How serious are you, really, about this guy? That should help you make this decision.

There's nothing wrong with being young and acting young; just realize where you are mentally, and don't make promises you aren't ready to live with. Always give yourself a backup plan!

Hope that helps!
Brandie

 

[singingpixie]

I'm agreeing with a lot of other posters here. He needs to learn to live within his means (ie. not going on spring break if he can't afford to, even if you go! <--- which you should, by the way!) You need to let him live within his means by not pressuring him to go for an apartment he can't afford to pay his share in. Until you guys are at a point where you're ready to get married and truly merge your finances (ie. living expenses come from what's "ours" instead of "his and hers") it makes sense that things should be split equally, at least the basics. It's one thing for you to pay more for incidentals like movies and dinner. It's your money, and if you choose to treat him, that's your right. It's another for you to set yourself up to pay more than half of living expenses that need to be paid no matter what happens. Living expenses should be paid out of your income, not your savings (it's nice to have that cushion in case something happens, but it shouldn't be a primary sourse of rent money). Trust me, you'll be glad you didn't blow that savings on rent (which is just throw-away money, not an investment) when you have major purchases to worry about down the road.

As far as your relationship goes, be very careful about how you each deal with money and how you deal with it together. As unromantic as it sounds, that's one of the major issues in many marriages, and there has to be a common ground if you're going to move past the dating stage and into something more serious. Living together is a step toward the serious.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I hate the thought of sacraficing myself to make him happy but I also hate the thought of him feeling inferior because of the money situation.

Why do you have to move in together?

The obvious solution is to get your own place so you will not be "sacrificing" and he will not be "feeling inferior".

Get your own place for a couple of years while he builds up his income....

Above all else LISTEN to what he is saying. He is telling you he will not be comfortable with the current situation. Give him some time.

 

[lil mermaid]

I think you should go to Spring Break, it is your last chance!

Don't have advice for the other thing.

I couldn't agree more with this.....go to spring break with your friends.