Need some advice on future funeral for father-in-law

[jjarman]

I know that sounds really strange but there is a story here. My husband and I have been married 25 years. In that 25 years I have seen my father-in-law 2 times. He lives about 11 hours away and he and my son are not close at all. He only reconnected with us after our son was born. He is not a nice person, very self centered, selfish, alcoholic, etc. I don't like the man at all. I tolerate him because he is our son's grandfather. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was after Hurricane Katrina. We were right in the middle of the disaster. Fortunately little damage to our home but we were without food, water, power, gas, etc. for a while. Also the banks were all closed and no one could take a debit card or checks. Cash was it. We quickly ran out of cash. All of our family had evacuated so there was really no one to turn to. We finally got in touch with the father-in-law to see if he would wire us a few hundred dollars just until the banks were open again. We had the money but just could not get it. Now this man routinely walks around with several hundred in his pocket so a short term loan was not big deal. He said no. That did it for me.

Now back to the present. I have a trip scheduled with my family to WDW in 3 weeks (DH does not want to go and that is fine with me) DS will be out of state working and that is fine also. Well, my father-in-law is in the hospital sick, again. He lives in a nursing home now but is in and out of the hospital every few months. He always manages to beat whatever it is even when the doctors say this is it. The man is strong as an ox for someone his age (84). I told my husband if he should happen to die while I am on my vacation I can't come back for the funeral. I mean I have people riding with me and they would have to come back as well. Husband was really not that upset. He just does not want to go by himself up there (remember 11 hour drive). I explained that this trip is with my mother too so I don't think I should have to cancel my trip for his father's funeral considering I don't even like the man. None of us really do. He is just this old man we know. That is how I look at it. I told him if he did die to just post pone the funeral until I get back and DS gets back from work. What do you guys think? I know this sounds heartless and so unchristian but he is just not a nice person, has no relationship with any of us, etc.

 

[KathyTX]

Does your FIL have other family, or is it just your husband?

A funeral is really for those left behind, not for the deceased. A funeral's not even actually *required*, but it's a time for family and friends to gather and remember and honor the one who has passed.

Your attendance at the funeral would really be in support of the family, not your FIL.

That said, if there's family traveling in for the services, you should be considerate of everyone's schedules and emotional needs. Asking to postpone the funeral so you can finish your vacation would be pretty insensitive if this would impact more people than just your (understanding) husband...

 

[Nancyg56]

Who else would be impacted by your decision? I think that it is important to make sure his family is not placed in an uncomfortable position while you are vacationing. When my DH Aunt passed away her DD made the Funeral Mass a week after her death. It was a nightmare week for the rest of the family. We really could not go forward until we had her Mass. His aunt's sister neices were shell shocked for that week.

If you really do nto want to attend and have determined that you must complete your vacation your DH may need to attend the services alone if the rest of the family is opposed to waiting.

 

[BelleWDW]

Honestly, if your son is his only close relative-I'm assuming no wife in picture, you can just have a few prayers at the grave-no long wake etc-I've seen funerals held up for even a week.

 

[N.Bailey]

I agree with Kathy. My main concern would be, how does your husband feel about his father? He's probably the person who will need the most support upon his father's death. I understand you don't like this man (and I don't even blame you), but I doubt your husband shares that sentiment.

I'm often reminded of the movie, Small Sacrifices, which was based on the true story that Ann Rule wrote a book about. Farrah Fawcett starred in it and while it's beside the point, she did a fantastic job. Long story short, the mother shot all 3 of her children. One died, one remains vegetative to this day, and the one had a long recovery, but is able to function in society. As a child, she had to testify against her mother, and on the stand she still couldn't deny that she loved her mother very much.

For me, it just shows the depths of unconditional love. While your husband probably doesn't love everything his father has done, he probably does love him very much. To heck with the father, IMO, but try to do what you can for your DH.

 

[AKL_Megs]

For me, it just shows the depths of unconditional love. While your husband probably doesn't love everything his father has done, he probably does love him very much. To heck with the father, IMO, but try to do what you can for your DH.

I agree. My MIL is the most selfish, greedy, self-important person I know, and she treats my DH like crap (but her lazy boyfriend like a king), but he still thinks the whole world of her. Sometimes it makes me sick, but that is a whole other story... Like just two days ago, when she called and asked if we wanted for Christmas dinner - turkey or ham - and DH said he would enjoy turkey, and his mom said, "Well, my boyfriend hates turkey, but I guess I can make it this one time."

Um, yeah! Maybe because your flesh and blood SON likes it??? Okay, there I go again...

And I agree that the funeral is for the living... if your DH is the only living relative, and he doesn't need one, why have one? Say a prayer at his grave.

 

[jjarman]

Thanks so much for the advice. There is very little other family other than my husband's sister. She lives closer and is somewhat closer to their father but it is not a normal father/daughter relationship. He was pretty much absent their whole childhood. My husband would just as soon not go to a funeral either but feels like he should. He would not be upset in the least at his dying. He just does not want to make the long drive alone. I told him we will just take it one day at a time. The trip is not for 3 more weeks and based on how my father-in-law has done in the past he will most likely get better but if he should die it will be before the 3 weeks I am sure. Wow. That sounds morbid.

I know I may sound selfish but I truly don't like the man and this trip I am making with my family is a once in a lifetime trip. My mother is 80 and this will more than likely be the only time she will be going to WDW with me, her son, daughter-in-law and two small grandsons. I really feel our trip is more important. Like a PP said, the funeral is for the ones left behind. This trip is for the ones still here.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would change the date of the trip. Move it up or push it back a few weeks. The funeral is for those left behind and your dh is left behind. Remember that after all is said and done your dh will remember that you didn't care that he was left behind. You may hate the man but he is still your dh's father. That is who you should do it for. YMMV.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I would change the date of the trip. Move it up or push it back a few weeks. The funeral is for those left behind and your dh is left behind. Remember that after all is said and done your dh will remember that you didn't care that he was left behind. You may hate the man but he is still your dh's father. That is who you should do it for. YMMV.

I agree. Your FIL will only have one funeral. There will be other opportunities for family vacations.

 

[OurDogCisco]

So, does your FIL have family? Who would be organizing the funeral? In my eyes it would be your husband and his sister. So, your dh would be doing a lot of driving. It is not easy to get someone affairs in order.

I would have bought trip insurance and this way if you had to cancel you could get reimbursed and reschedule the trip for another day.

Also, I'm not sure I'd worry about something that hasn't happened yet.

 

[Bluestars]

If it were me, my main priority would be being there for my husband when he needs me most. Nothing else would even come close.

I hope your FIL gets better.

 

[Teacher03]

Thanks so much for the advice. There is very little other family other than my husband's sister. She lives closer and is somewhat closer to their father but it is not a normal father/daughter relationship. He was pretty much absent their whole childhood. My husband would just as soon not go to a funeral either but feels like he should. He would not be upset in the least at his dying. He just does not want to make the long drive alone. I told him we will just take it one day at a time. The trip is not for 3 more weeks and based on how my father-in-law has done in the past he will most likely get better but if he should die it will be before the 3 weeks I am sure. Wow. That sounds morbid.

I know I may sound selfish but I truly don't like the man and this trip I am making with my family is a once in a lifetime trip. My mother is 80 and this will more than likely be the only time she will be going to WDW with me, her son, daughter-in-law and two small grandsons. I really feel our trip is more important. Like a PP said, the funeral is for the ones left behind. This trip is for the ones still here.

I think you should be there for your husband, but that is just my opinion. I think your husband will be upset when his dad passes, no matter how he was treated (which sounds horrible). I truly hope your vacation goes on as planned and your FIL gets better.

 

[kidzmom3]

I think that you are wrong when you say your husband has no feelings for his father. When he dies, there will be feelings. Positive or negative, they will be there. It is completely unfair of you to expect his son and daughter to wait for you to finish a vacation.

I would never support this position.

 

[sunnyday123]

I think that you are wrong when you say your husband has no feelings for his father. When he dies, there will be feelings. Positive or negative, they will be there. It is completely unfair of you to expect his son and daughter to wait for you to finish a vacation.

I would never support this position.

Exactly. There will be things that were never said, guilt, anger, etc. I cannot imagine wondering if I should still go on vacation or not if this was going on. And telling your husband you're not going anyway? A funeral is mainly for the people remaining, and while he was a crappy father, your husband in no way should have to deal with this while you're in Disney. Spouses are supportive. Stay home and be supportive.

 

[minkydog]

I think it all depends on what your DH wants. Does he need you to go to the funeral with him? If so, I think you should move heaven and earth to be there. Does he not care one way or the other? Then don't go. EAsy as that.

My father was a very not nice jerk of a man. He died a particularly awful death from mesothelioma(asbestos lung cancer.) In all honestly? He kinda got what he deserved. He was a bad father, he abandoned his family, he refused to help us in college(and he was making $100K, in the70s!), and wanted nothing to do with his 8 grandchildren. My sister and I went to his side before he died, but my brother and other 2 sisters declined. One sister didn't even fly home for the funeral--she had had enough of him entirely. I have never had a moment of resentment or ill-feeling toward my sibs for their decisions. I totally understand. None of us who did attend the funeral had our spouses or children there. He didn't deserve it, IMO. We didn't have a wake, just a graveside funeral. Cremated him and buried him next to his mother.

You can do what you want. BUt I think you have to listen to what your husband may not be saying. If he would feel more supported with you by his side, then I think you have to be available.

 

[N.Bailey]

Well, the man is certainly not dead. I wouldn't be canceling my vacation that is a once in a lifetime opportunity with my own family on the off chance that maybe...... Go enjoy spending this time with your mother. As you said, the opportunity may never present itself again. Enjoy the family that's been there for you your entire life.

If things change, reevaluate.

 

[jjarman]

Well, the man is certainly not dead. I wouldn't be canceling my vacation that is a once in a lifetime opportunity with my own family on the off chance that maybe...... Go enjoy spending this time with your mother. As you said, the opportunity may never present itself again. Enjoy the family that's been there for you your entire life.

If things change, reevaluate.

Thanks. No I am not cancelling now on the off chance the old guy dies. I mean there are other people depending on me to make this trip. Like a 5 year old and 7 year old. It will be the 5 year old's birthday. I can't just ask them to postpone their trip. If he should happen to die while we are on vacation we will manage something. I told my husband tonight they can wait to have this small funeral until after we get back or go on without us. It is not like he ever lifted a finger to help us. The Katrina thing really did it for me. Also, he told us for years he had a college fund set up for our son. When it came time for it was the money there? No. This is why we don't go see him. The only reason my husband wants me home would be so someone could drive with him up there. He feels obligated to go because he is afraid his sister may cheat him out of some of the estate. Not that it is a huge estate or anything but it is half his. I think if anything is going to happen it will be before the trip.

 

[Bluestars]

You won't come back early from your vacation if your FIL dies and the only reason your husband would go to the funeral is to make sure he is not cheated out of half of the estate?

Wow.

 

[N.Bailey]

Thanks. No I am not cancelling now on the off chance the old guy dies. I mean there are other people depending on me to make this trip. Like a 5 year old and 7 year old. It will be the 5 year old's birthday. I can't just ask them to postpone their trip. If he should happen to die while we are on vacation we will manage something. I told my husband tonight they can wait to have this small funeral until after we get back or go on without us. It is not like he ever lifted a finger to help us. The Katrina thing really did it for me. Also, he told us for years he had a college fund set up for our son. When it came time for it was the money there? No. This is why we don't go see him. The only reason my husband wants me home would be so someone could drive with him up there. He feels obligated to go because he is afraid his sister may cheat him out of some of the estate. Not that it is a huge estate or anything but it is half his. I think if anything is going to happen it will be before the trip.

Well, to be frankly honest, if I was without food and my family turned me away in a time of TRUE need (we're certainly not talking about your family trying to take advantage of him here), I wouldn't have looked back, period. If I had to watch my child go without basic survival needs when the situation was out of my control, I don't think I would or could ever forgive that.

I can understand how your husband may not care. I wouldn't either if my father ever said no to me in a similar situation. You weren't asking for money to buy the newest HDTV. Unforgivable, IMO. I'm sure it hurts your husband though. Can you imagine your own mother ever telling you no? It just wouldn't happen!

 

[AshleyW]

You won't come back early from your vacation if your FIL dies and the only reason your husband would go to the funeral is to make sure he is not cheated out of half of the estate?

Wow.

Did you even read the reasoning behind any of this? It's not like this guy has been winning "Father of the Year" awards. I don't blame them.