need some advice for what to do!!?? (sorry, long)

[tkd lisa]

You're entitled to your opinion re: the medication issue. But you did ask for opinions, so here's mine.

Your daughter sounds like classic ADD to me. And my DD is as well. The friends program is a big tip off to me. Because that's usually set up and offered to help kids that have some interpersonal problems. And yes, my DD was in such a program. The other big tip off is the time spent on homework that she WAS capable of doing. I can remember 60 minutes in first grade spent just to write 10 spelling words 3 times each. It was absolute torture for the entire family!

We did the entire gamut of treatment options (yes, we did and do medicate, and it does make a world of difference). But one thing our child psychologist told me that really stuck with me was this. She said that "Your DD truly doesn't MEAN to not turn in her work. There are parts of her brain that just don't fire right all the time. Even though she can do it some times, if there is anything distracting, she just can't pull it together. We've all had those days where we seem to walk around in a fog. Well, an ADD is like that most of the time. So punishing them can often be unfair."

So, in this case, from the information you've given, I wouldn't pull her out of the friends program. Because the positives she gets from that are very beneficial.

What I would do (and what I did with my DD) is:

1) Find out if she can have a central point for homework turn in (early in the day is best). Basically, all her homework goes in one folder, that gets dropped in the teachers in-box on the way to your daughter's seat. That's before she gets distracted with anything else!

2) Find something that she likes as a reward. For my DD, she loved reading to the younger kids. So if she met her goal for the week, instead of recess, she read to the kindergarteners.

3) Set a time limit for homework. If it's not done at the end of the time, it's not done. If completing her homework is part of the reward in 2, then there is a consequence to this. In my experience, just getting the homework done in elementary school is NOT worth the pain. Obviously this needs to be discussed with her teacher so they understand that sometimes homework won't be in the folder.

I hope the doctor can help you out here. We were very limited in our options in our last location, so didn't have a lot of physician support.

 

[pyrxtc]

The teacher says that she cannot do this for all 16 of the students (i think it is down to 14 now) what would she have done when I was in school and there were almost 30 kids in every class. I review the homework list with her and although i cannot sit there, I do check up on her eveyr 20 minutes or so. I also do things like "I want to see 3 problems done in 15 minutes and I will come back. She does her homework at the same place every night and I baby gate the boys from there so they cannot distract her. I will read her word problems and help her with anything else she needs. but unitl my Dh gets home from work, my DS's will not give me a whole half hour to dedicate to her. If after speaking with a specialist, time is needed, then it will have to be dedicated at night right before bed when DH is home.

 

[pyrxtc]

The teacher also refuse to take away recess to ahve her comlete work and as I said does not even check on the homework for days at times to know wether or not it was turned in.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

The teacher says that she cannot do this for all 16 of the students (i think it is down to 14 now) what would she have done when I was in school and there were almost 30 kids in every class.

That is crap.

Yes she most certainly can. My son's teachers did it for him and other students in his classes from 2nd through 4th grade -- and he had anywhere from 20 to 31 kids in his class. As I said, if you get an IEP, then she has no choice.

I know it is hard with several kids at home in the evening. My DH travels out of town on business alot.....It is tough.

 

[Christine]

You amy all state your beliefs also even if they don't agree with mine and that is fine but please don't tell me my beliefs are wrong. I will not tell you that yours are wrong either.

Gee, somehow I think you just did tell me my beliefs are wrong. It's one thing to say you won't medicate, that's great. But to say you think it is a made up diagnosis like alcoholism is insulting.

Have you ever seen a PET scan of the brain of a person diagnosed with ADHD placed against a non-ADHD person? There are visible differences in brain function. Do you think that someone made those up?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I asked for advice on wether or not to cut out the friends program. Please re-read my original post. I am listening to advice on that.

Cut it, not cut it. Doesn't matter as it will do no good as far as your dd's learning is concerned.
So you stop it. What do you expect to gain from that?

I guess I do not see that as "punishment". Punishment should be linked with the problem, ie she does something related with schoolwork or something along those lines.

 

[Planogirl]

Why ask for advice? All you're doing is telling people that they're wrong or arguing with the advice that you're given. It sounds like you've already made up your mind.

Anyway, good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The teacher also refuse to take away recess to ahve her comlete work and as I said does not even check on the homework for days at times to know wether or not it was turned in.

Ok, so now we are getting somewhere....

This is good news!!!!

Set your dd up with an assignment book to be signed daily by the teacher. Go to the principal, counselor, etc.... Become proactive!!!

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

It doesn't sound like the teacher is very willing to help, can you go to the school counselor and maybe they can help the teacher?

 

[pyrxtc]

Why ask for advice? All you're doing is telling people that they're wrong or arguing with the advice that you're given. It sounds like you've already made up your mind.

Anyway, good luck.

I am not arguing with people?? I am replyng to questions that were given to me and letting them know that I ahve already tried what they are suggesting and that it has not worked. I gave most of the info as background, not what to do about it. I could have come on her and just said , "My DD does not doe her homework or schoolwork and do you think her punishment should be that I take away her Freinds program?" I agve you background so you could see what I was dealing with on the whole. I could not sit ehre and write everything I tried in one story. I can only reply to what is asked and let them know we have already gone that route or not.

 

[Carrieannew]

I wish you luck and hope this all works out for you. My daughter is 7 and many of the things you and others have mentioned has opened my eyes to issues I am having right now. I have tried taking away after school things and it does not seem to work. But I think each kid is different and responds different. I think that because the program is more of a fun type of thing I think you have every right to take that away. I feel like kids need to learn lessons and see that look this is how life could be. But then again Im not a good person with advice since I am having problems myself. Good luck!

 

[Glynis]

The teacher says that she cannot do this for all 16 of the students (i think it is down to 14 now) what would she have done when I was in school and there were almost 30 kids in every class. I review the homework list with her and although i cannot sit there, I do check up on her eveyr 20 minutes or so. I also do things like "I want to see 3 problems done in 15 minutes and I will come back. She does her homework at the same place every night and I baby gate the boys from there so they cannot distract her. I will read her word problems and help her with anything else she needs. but unitl my Dh gets home from work, my DS's will not give me a whole half hour to dedicate to her. If after speaking with a specialist, time is needed, then it will have to be dedicated at night right before bed when DH is home.

Sounds to me like you might need to change teachers. I taught high school English for 5 years, and dealt with several students with behaviors like your daughters. I taught classes with numbers in the 25-30 range. One boy in particular sticks out in my mind. He would daydream so much, his work was never done, but he was the sweetest student in all my classes. I found that by moving his desk right by mine I could help him focus in class to the point where he got most of his work done by the time class was over. I was in constant contact with his mother, each day by phone. I would tell her what Richard needed to finish up, and would fax her copies of the homework in case he forgot to bring it home with him. Was it a lot of work? Yes! Was it worth it? ABSOLUTELY! The other kids teased him a lot less when his desk was by mine, then when he sat daydreaming. Richard ended up graduating from High school in the top 10% of his class.

If I were you, I'd check on switching teachers to one that would help your daughter to succeed! Good luck to you and
to your daughter!

 

[pyrxtc]

I wish I could switch teachers but here are only 2 in the school and the other is the same as her current teacher. That is why I was thinking strict Catholic school next year. A little more discipline never hurt anyone.

 

[hlbtimes2]

I havent read the whole thread, so forgive me if this has been covered-

Have you tried a positive approach to getting her to get her work done? My 2nd grader has a hard time staying focused. She is extremely bright, but very easily distracted. She is reading at a 5th grade level, but is behind in her reading goal- because she gets distracted and doesnt do her work. Her teacher recomended we set a up a rewards system. If she meets her goal for the week, she gets something.

We asked her what she wanted for meeting her goal. She wants 1/2 hours of time with me, with out her little brother. It can be at home or we can go somewhere. Its much easier for them to work toward something positive, then to work to stay out of trouble.

In order for it to work for you and her, the teacher would need to be willing to send home weekly progress reports to you. Which is probably a good idea anyway.

 

[Planogirl]

I am not arguing with people?? I am replyng to questions that were given to me and letting them know that I ahve already tried what they are suggesting and that it has not worked. I gave most of the info as background, not what to do about it. I could have come on her and just said , "My DD does not doe her homework or schoolwork and do you think her punishment should be that I take away her Freinds program?" I agve you background so you could see what I was dealing with on the whole. I could not sit ehre and write everything I tried in one story. I can only reply to what is asked and let them know we have already gone that route or not.

I apologize if I misread your replies. I can see how I might have done that.

Anyway, truthfully I wish you the best. The diagnosis will probably help you a lot in this situation. I know well how tough these things can be.

 

[shamrock30]

At my niece's school, the Friends Program is for kids who are having some kind of social issues. If that is the case with your daughter, then maybe you could take away some kind of privilege at home (television, computer time, staying up late on the weekends, etc) instead of the Friends program. If she's already struggling, it is probably a good outlet for her.

I wish you and your daughter the best!

 

[sharbear]

Sounds to me like you might need to change teachers. I taught high school English for 5 years, and dealt with several students with behaviors like your daughters. I taught classes with numbers in the 25-30 range. One boy in particular sticks out in my mind. He would daydream so much, his work was never done, but he was the sweetest student in all my classes. I found that by moving his desk right by mine I could help him focus in class to the point where he got most of his work done by the time class was over. I was in constant contact with his mother, each day by phone. I would tell her what Richard needed to finish up, and would fax her copies of the homework in case he forgot to bring it home with him. Was it a lot of work? Yes! Was it worth it? ABSOLUTELY! The other kids teased him a lot less when his desk was by mine, then when he sat daydreaming. Richard ended up graduating from High school in the top 10% of his class.

If I were you, I'd check on switching teachers to one that would help your daughter to succeed! Good luck to you and
to your daughter!

You are a great teacher, kudos to you! My DS was Richard. We had him tested in 8th grade and found that he didn't have ADD. We did find after meeting with his teachers that because he was a quiet easy going kid they put him in the middle of the troublemakers. It was the worst thing to do and he couldn't concentrate on him work. We had him moved to the front of the class and his grades went up dramatically. We also worked hard with him, to get him to do his work and to hand it in. It was hard work, it was not easy but he's graduating this year, on the high honor roll, and going to college in the fall with scholarship offers at all of the schools he applied to.

pyrxtc, I will answer the question you asked. I would not take away the after school program. It sound like she is paired with an adult who might be a role model to her. I think that it would be better to take something else away, this seems to be a positive influence.

 

[LanaJayne]

I am wondering about the caption under your picture about your upcoming trip. You say "going with just the boys woohoo!" Is there a reason you are so excited to be leaving your daughter out of a family trip?

 

[pyrxtc]

I am wondering about the caption under your picture about your upcoming trip. You say "going with just the boys woohoo!" Is there a reason you are so excited to be leaving your daughter out of a family trip?

We are leaviong both DD's out of the trip. My DD had a really hard time catching up with her school work after the last trip so I do not want that to happen againand my Step-DD refuses to take time out of school for vacations right now. (she will be in 7th grade). She will be spending some extra time with her grandmother and will probably be going to visit my sister next spring with my mother as she has done before. My boys have not done anything like that yet. My mother will be spending the days at my house to get her to school each morning and my Exes mother will be spending the weekend with her at her house. She will get lots of special treatment from them without missing school. Whne she goes to visit my sister, she goes on school vacation so she doesn't miss anything. She and I will be going in a few years to Germany and leaving the boys behind and I am just as excited about that. I am also excited about the trip that my Dh and I will do eventually that does not include any of the kids.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I really can't see the value of punishing her for something that may be beyond her control. Whether you want to believe it or not ADD is not a "made up" problem. It doesn't mean you have to medicate your dd if that is the diagnosis but you should understand that if her brain functions differently than yours it is not her fault.

I have a son with Asperger's syndrome. I don't know if you think that is "made up" also. I long ago learned (with seven children you do learn quickly) that each child is different and what works for one child may not work for the other.

I too have a problem with leaving you daughter behind while you go to Disney with your sons. It might make her feel like she is being punished even further. Why not wait until school is over so the whole family can take the trip together.