need some advice for what to do!!?? (sorry, long)

[pyrxtc]

I have a DD named Alyson.

Alyson is having problems in school, she is 9 and in 3rd grade. They don't get real grades, they get C's or I's (Consistent or Inconsistent) and N's, B's, or P's (Novice, Basic, or Proficient) her report card 1st quarter was not very good and I told her that if she did not improve then i would be taking away her after school activities. her last report card was horrible, she evcn got I's and N's and B's where she got good grades ont he 1st one.

i took away one afterschool activity. She attends what is called a friends program. She spends an hour after school with a female adult and plays games and does art and stuff like that. it cannot be used to do homework and they are not working on any skills. Alyson gets very easily distracted in class. She does not complete her classwork or homework or she will complete it and not turn it in. I check her bag eveyr day and she sits at the table and does her homework right after school 1 page can take her 3 hrs becasue she does everything but homework. I ahve n appt with her Dr to get a refefrel for whoever else we need to see to get help with this.

Now the problem, my ex-husband dropped off aly's Planet project today and the principal wanted to let him know it was not a good idea that we pulled her from the friends program. So my ex called on his cell on his way to his house and was arguing with me about her not cutting it. I feel that she did not keep up with her end of the bargain. I cannot sit with her in class to make her pay attention, nor can I see that she does her homework if she does not bring it home. Every few months I go to school and pull out about 20-30 pages of unfinshed work. I have also e-mailed back and forth with her teacher but nothing seems to help.

Would you pull your child froma program that does an hour of fun stuff with your child? The principal and my ex say no way. the person with whom she spends the time understands completely. I think it is only fair, she doesn't do her schoolwork, she doesn't get to do the fun stuff either.

We are going to the Dr's next week to get her a referrel to see a specialist. I know she needs something but now sure what. She does not need extras for not doing her work.

What would you do??

I was the same way when I was in school. I was grounded pretty much my whole life. I was a big time day dreamer but I eventually learned to focus and do my work.

I think a lot is the way the teachers handle it but the teachers in our school sytem let everything go. They will not sepaerate her from her friends or move them by themselves or out in th hall. There is no sitting in the corner or anythng like that. They fear it will humiliate the child so they won't do it. they will not even give detentions because the parents complain about having to come and pick up their children. It is really pathetic. I am looking into a private school so she will have a little more discipline and the teachers will make sure her work is done. (yes, it is a catholic school). It will be tight on the budget but worth it if it will help her focus.

I think with the right help, she will learn to do better in school. she can do the work, in fact, when she does do her work, she excels! I am at my wits end and my husband agrees with my decisions but my Ex-husband (her father whome she sees 2 x's a month and lives about 2 hrs away) does not. he thinks we should just go on like normal and help her improve her grades. the project she is turning in today was mostly done by him. he wants me to sit and help her with her homework but with two younger siblings, I cannot sit there forever. if she has problems with anything, she asks and I help. her homework is the same every week, same as last year too. I sent some unfinished work to his house with ehr last weekend and when he brou8ght her back, he said to "never do that again cuz it took her 8 hours to do 5 pages!" Well, what does he think I go through every day!

So basically, should I be pulling her from extra-cirricular activities? I don't think she deserves them right now. She ahs to earn the priveledge, correct?

 

[pyrxtc]

Every conversation with my ex ends with him saying "she should just live with me then". veyr bad idea, he is not a good role model and there is a reason that he has no physical custody. he does not even pay his child support and his parents let him slide on his rent ont he apartment that he lives in and they own. he lost so many jobs, his father started his own company just so Ex could have a job. Everyone who knows him thinks he is a major loser, even the poeple who originally thought it was my fault for the divorce now see what kind of person he is and tell me it is the best thing that could have happened. Unless it is something that I do and he does not like, he takes no interest in his DD's life that does not concern his visits directly. he swears at me and yells all the time on the phone and we have been split up since DD was 9 months old. She's 9 now!

 

[darrose]

Check first with her teachers to see if they thought her report card was bad. For example maybe most of the class received a novice for a new math concept that was being graded and will receive a grade of basic next report card when they have mastered the newer topic.

 

[pyrxtc]

most of the worst grades were in effort. They are stil doing the same addition and subtraction that they have been doing for 3 yrs. I ahve talked to the teacher and the grades are for work that was not turned in or turned in too late for credit.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I also have a 9yodd in 3rd.

My answer to you is not to punish until you do medical stuff first. If she truly has a medical issue she cannot help that she is unable to "organize" her brain.

Right now I would be proactive and set up a system with the teacher. The teacher, doctors, and you need to guide her to success.

 

[Christine]

I hate to give kids labels all the time--especially sitting here behind a computer screen, but this kids is SCREAMING ADD/Inattentive to me.

I think you are taking the right steps to get your child treatment.

In my opinion, I think very few children at age 9 are lazy goof-offs (and being a lazy, goof-off *is* a punishable offense in my book!! ). Most children in 3rd grade WANT to do well. For some reason, your DD cannot. She obviously cannot pay attention and/or focus. My DD had this same issue and it really came out in the 4th grade. This is the common trait in girls who have ADD. You probably had it yourself and, by the time you got older, you had developed coping mechanisms to handle it--which is also very normal.

Before you go taking things away from your DD, please make sure of what you are dealing with. If she does have a legitimate problem, all the "punishing" in the world will not help it and may make it worse.

Proceed with your doctor's appointments and go from there.

 

[pyrxtc]

well, i just think it's only fair that if you do not do you work or turn it in, then there has to be some sort of balance. Letting her do all her fun stuff and getting away with it will not help her to learn she needs to learn to cope and work her way through this. when she wants to do soemthing, she can ahve her homework done in 15 minutes but she doesn not feel it is important.

 

[Certifiable WDW Nut]

I totally agree. Please make the school have her tested for ADD and any other learning disabilities in the subjects she has the most trouble in. My DD is 13 andvery bright. She reads at a high school senior level, but she also has ADD and it really manifests itself in math because she also has a learning disability where she can do calculations. Over the years she has learned some tricks, but I don't think she'll ever be able to add double digits in her head. Your DD should be getting some help if she is having this much trouble and honestly, I agree with your ex on this one. If she is having this much trouble in school, the friendship and emotional support that comes from this friends program may be something she desparately needs. My 2 cents.

 

[HayGan]

I understand that the after schoolhour is fun but if you have a good relationship with her mentor can't it also be used as an encouragement session. Sometimes it helps young children to have someone other than their parents guiding and giving them encouragement.

I think you are doing the right thing by talking to her ped.and having her evaluated. It also sounds like there may be more issues at play (relationship with her dad and the underlying tension) that may need to be addressed.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

well, i just think it's only fair that if you do not do you work or turn it in, then there has to be some sort of balance. Letting her do all her fun stuff and getting away with it will not help her to learn she needs to learn to cope and work her way through this. when she wants to do soemthing, she can ahve her homework done in 15 minutes but she doesn not feel it is important.

Again, no. 8 hours to do homework? Not normal.

Taking priviledges away only works if you have all the puzzle pieces. Otherwise consistancy goes out the window.

What "fun stuff" are you talking about, anyway?

 

[CEDmom]

I understand wanting to cut out the fun if she isn't doing her work. However, it sounds like she is doing her work just not turning it in. So, is cutting the fun going to have any impact on her turning her work in. I guess if your DD is upset enough about the program it might but then again it might not. Have you tried working with your DD and her teacher to come up with a solution. Maybe your DD could have a planner where she has to write her assignments everyday - you'd initial when the assignment is completed and the teacher would initial when it's turned in. All of you would then stay on top of things.

 

[pyrxtc]

her previous Dr told me last year that it was a phase and she would eventually grow out of it. Now no flames please for the next part of my response......

this is what I believe and everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. I will not debate about the ADD thing, I will not be medicating my child. for many decades, people have had what they call "ADD" and they found a way to deal with it and improve their life. if the Dr does diagnose her with a focusing problem, alternative methods will be used and my child will never be reliant on medications. We will find a Dr. who will work with us on alternative methods to help her.I don't beleive this is a "disease" I think it is something they came up with to explaina way a problem we have in America. Just like obesity is a "disease" and smoking, and alcoholics are "diseased" t is something you need to train your mind to do. It just takes longer in some than others and some refuse to do it.this is the only thing I will say about it. I'm sorry if someone you know has wether it be you or your child but I do not believe ina lot of modern medicines. We do not medicate our child unless absolutley necessary, no cold and cough or throat sprays or anything else. It will all run its course and we need to let our immune system do its job. I believe our brain can fix itself too if we teach it how.

now no matter what is said, i will not reply to any ADD comments. You amy all state your beliefs also even if they don't agree with mine and that is fine but please don't tell me my beliefs are wrong. I will not tell you that yours are wrong either. to each his own. everyone has their own problms and reasonings in life. My Ex would have had her on medication 3 yrs ago. he drugs her up with meds at the slightest little cough. It is insane. I am glad my DH shares my belief of a drug free existence except in "no other way to win" situations. My kids will not lose a limb but I will refuse all medicinal treatment unless there is no other alternative.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

her previous Dr told me last year that it was a phase and she would eventually grow out of it. Now no flames please for the next part of my response......

this is what I believe and everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. I will not debate about the ADD thing, I will not be medicating my child. for many decades, people have had what they call "ADD" and they found a way to deal with it and improve their life. if the Dr does diagnose her with a focusing problem, alternative methods will be used and my child will never be reliant on medications. We will find a Dr. who will work with us on alternative methods to help her.I don't beleive this is a "disease" I think it is something they came up with to explaina way a problem we have in America. Just like obesity is a "disease" and smoking, and alcoholics are "diseased" t is something you need to train your mind to do. It just takes longer in some than others and some refuse to do it.this is the only thing I will say about it. I'm sorry if someone you know has wether it be you or your child but I do not believe ina lot of modern medicines. We do not medicate our child unless absolutley necessary, no cold and cough or throat sprays or anything else. It will all run its course and we need to let our immune system do its job. I believe our brain can fix itself too if we teach it how.

now no matter what is said, i will not reply to any ADD comments. You amy all state your beliefs also even if they don't agree with mine and that is fine but please don't tell me my beliefs are wrong. I will not tell you that yours are wrong either. to each his own. everyone has their own problms and reasonings in life. My Ex would have had her on medication 3 yrs ago. he drugs her up with meds at the slightest little cough. It is insane. I am glad my DH shares my belief of a drug free existence except in "no other way to win" situations. My kids will not lose a limb but I will refuse all medicinal treatment unless there is no other alternative.

Standing ovation!!! You go!

 

[pyrxtc]

I understand wanting to cut out the fun if she isn't doing her work. However, it sounds like she is doing her work just not turning it in. So, is cutting the fun going to have any impact on her turning her work in. I guess if your DD is upset enough about the program it might but then again it might not. Have you tried working with your DD and her teacher to come up with a solution. Maybe your DD could have a planner where she has to write her assignments everyday - you'd initial when the assignment is completed and the teacher would initial when it's turned in. All of you would then stay on top of things.

She does her homework that she brings home, she does not do her work in school, she talks, draws or whatever. She just stuffs the papers in her desk. the teacher sends home apage with homework for the wekk every Monday, does not always make it home but I can look it up on the teachers webpage. But for her spelling book, it says chapters to be done if not finished in class. the only ways I can know if it was done in class is that she brings it home but the work given is so inconsitent that it makes it impossible to say bring it home every Tuesday or we will be driving back to school to get it.

The friends program is like big sisters. She gets lots of adult attention between here and her fathers or Nonny's. They will only do fun stuff and whe i suggested that maybe they talk about her scholwork or that the adult could help her with it, the director of the program called to tell me that it was not what the program was for. And unless I remind her evry Monday mornig that she has the program that day, she will just come home and not even think about it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

if the Dr does diagnose her with a focusing problem, alternative methods will be used

That is Ok, I also do not medicate my 14yodd for adhd. She has a repaired heart defect and putting a kid like her on adhd meds is not really a good plan.

However you stated...

he wants me to sit and help her with her homework but with two younger siblings, I cannot sit there forever. if she has problems with anything, she asks and I help. her homework is the same every week, same as last year too. I sent some unfinished work to his house with ehr last weekend and when he brou8ght her back, he said to "never do that again cuz it took her 8 hours to do 5 pages!" Well, what does he think I go through every day!

This is a dilemma you have to rectify. You can't say you will help her if she is diagnosed with an issue and then state you can't help her because of her siblings (time).

I would say that this is the first issue you need to solve. Hence becoming "proactive" will be your first line of defense.
Esp...if you are against medication.

You need to seek out a workable system. Then implement it, and tweak it.
After that, the lines wil be "set" and you and your dd will have rules & expectations CLEAR and now you can start with the punishment.
Does that make sense???

 

[Laurabearz]

I would let her continue to go to the 'playtime' hour, but curb all TV and 'at home' privledges.

I also agree with others who said to get her tested.

(((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I can tell you that negative reinforcement for a 9 year old seems to rarely works in motivating for schoolwork. Personally, I would not take away the after school mentor. At that point in the day she has spent approximately 5 hours at school and needs to do something. Please remember that not all "learning" takes place with a book. During that hour your daughter is learning social skills and also some mental skills and problem solving skills from playing the games.

So this is what I see as the problems

#1. She is not bringing her homework home. You and the teacher need to develop a plan where she gets and uses her assignment planner. The teacher or an Aid needs to help in checking the backpack and folders to make sure all homework is coming home. IF you agree for testing an evaluation for Special Services for your daughter -- eventually an IEP meeting will be held. At this meeting you will be able to request that it is contractually written that the teacher will do this.

#2. She is sitting at the table and daydreaming not doing her work. I can tell you what worked for my children.... This is going to take some time and effort from you. I know it is hard with several kids, but it is going to have to be done.

She needs a homework spot. A desk or the kitchen table - same spot every night.

Take one assignment at a time.
For instance, pull out her Math homework. Say "I want you to do the first 5 problems then call me so I can check them."
Walk Away
After 10 minutes or so, if she has called you yet, come back and say "how is it going?" If she is daydreaming redirect her into getting the work done. Keep repeating that until the Math homework is done and done correctly.

Put the Math assignment into it's proper folder to be handed in and then give her a 10 minute break as a "reward" for doing the work.

Take out the next homework assignment and repeat.

 

[RadioFanatic]

why did you ask for advice on what to do if you aren't going to listen to some of it -i.e., the ADD issue. And I won't even get started on the alcholic and drug depency issues you brought up . . . all I will say is that I know people who have those issues and counseling and medication is what helps them.

 

[CEDmom]

She does her homework that she brings home, she does not do her work in school, she talks, draws or whatever. She just stuffs the papers in her desk. the teacher sends home apage with homework for the wekk every Monday, does not always make it home but I can look it up on the teachers webpage. But for her spelling book, it says chapters to be done if not finished in class. the only ways I can know if it was done in class is that she brings it home but the work given is so inconsitent that it makes it impossible to say bring it home every Tuesday or we will be driving back to school to get it.

The friends program is like big sisters. She gets lots of adult attention between here and her fathers or Nonny's. They will only do fun stuff and whe i suggested that maybe they talk about her scholwork or that the adult could help her with it, the director of the program called to tell me that it was not what the program was for. And unless I remind her evry Monday mornig that she has the program that day, she will just come home and not even think about it.

If your DD isn't upset about missing the program and you don't see it benefiting her that much then I wouldn't worry about it. I understand about the classwork/homework stuff because my DD's 1st grade teacher does the same thing. Like you I just have to assume classwork gets done unless I hear otherwise.

If my DD was having this type of issue I'd make an appt with her teacher and discuss how TOGETHER we can help this child do what she needs to do in class. I still think some type of planner would help even with classwork. The teacher could write on the board what the classwork is and your DD would have to write the things in her planner. If she completes it in class she'd initial it and the teacher would initial it got turned in. Homework would be handled in a similar manners.

Does the teacher have a chart for students behavior? My DD's teacher has this green/yellow/red thing. Green is fine, yellow mean missing recess and red means a phone call home or to the parent's work with the child there.

There are plenty of behavioral therapies available to help children reach their full potential. Definitely speak to your Dr about referrals. Good luck.

 

[pyrxtc]

why did you ask for advice on what to do if you aren't going to listen to some of it -i.e., the ADD issue. .

I asked for advice on wether or not to cut out the friends program. Please re-read my original post. I am listening to advice on that.