Need some advice for my husband...

[LovingWife2one]

Hi...I am really a long time member using another name. I am doing this because this is a personal issue and I don't want any family members to find out I am posting this.

My FIL came in town this weekend and is staying with us. Today he took my husband to my BIL's home to talk to them. He told them that he is gay.

Now this isn't a big deal to me, I kind of always knew. But my husband and his brother aren't taking it so well. I didn't think they would take it so hard...their mother is a lesbian, so I guess I thought this would be easier...

So any advice on how to help them get past what they are feeling now? I am not sure if they are angry or hurt...neither are willing to do any talking right now. I just want them to have a good relationship with their dad...
Thanks...

 

[disney4us2002]

Talk about a shock. I'm assuming their parents are divorced? So, if mom is now a declared lesbian and dad, gay, I would guess the kids would be sort of lost, thinking their whole early family was a sham. I'm wondering about your middle paragraph claiming to know he was gay and why given the mom's status, it wouldn't be so hard to hear. Men, generally, tend to identify with their fathers so I can see why it would be more of a shock for dad then mom to be gay. I think you need to give dh lots of time to adjust, don't rush him to talk, etc. Again, I have only brothers, a father, dh, and 3 sons (no women really in my family) and I've come to learn that most males are just not good about talking about feelings.

I certainly hope I've added enough qualifiers in this post!

PS: If you haven't already mentioned to dh that you aren't surprised, don't!

 

[Mermaid02]

I'm assuming he's a good father and he loves his sons. They are lucky to have him. Life is short and uncertain- tell them they ought not waste precious time on something that really doesn't matter.

 

[FairlyOddFairy]

When I "Came out" My dad took it the worst of everyone. Now he loves my partner and how happy we make eachother.
I totaly understand why they would be shocked and not want to talk. It could feel like they have been lied to their whole life and not want to trust anyone. they probably feel betrayed. Just remind them their parents are good people that made them who they are and in time hopefully realize that this is what makes them happy and does in no way reflect on them as being gay. It is not hereditary! Good luck with everything. I hope it all works out in due time. But it will take time

 

[LovingWife2one]

Talk about a shock. I'm assuming their parents are divorced? So, if mom is now a declared lesbian and dad, gay, I would guess the kids would be sort of lost, thinking their whole early family was a sham. I'm wondering about your middle paragraph claiming to know he was gay and why given the mom's status, it wouldn't be so hard to hear. Men, generally, tend to identify with their fathers so I can see why it would be more of a shock for dad then mom to be gay. I think you need to give dh lots of time to adjust, don't rush him to talk, etc. Again, I have only brothers, a father, dh, and 3 sons (no women really in my family) and I've come to learn that most males are just not good about talking about feelings.

I certainly hope I've added enough qualifiers in this post!

PS: If you haven't already mentioned to dh that you aren't surprised, don't!

They are separated but stay legally married for the health insurance and tax benefits. I had an idea that he was gay because of little subtle things...my MIL always dropped hints...I didn't realize they were hints until now. The thing is my husband still has trouble admitting his mom is gay...even though she told him almost 10 years ago(when he was in high school) and has been living with her SO for the past 13 years. I guess they always figured that she figured out late in life that she was a lesbian and met and fell in love with a woman...while now it looks more like She was a lesbian and he was gay and they wanted a shot at a "normal" life...so they got married, had kids and put up this front. Their dad still doesn't want anyone else knowing...which is why I am posting this under another name.

I guess I too would feel upset if I realized my parents entire life together was a cover-up....but then again my parents divorced when I was young.

I don't know, it just seems like he is really hurting...I just want to help him through this.

 

[CEDmom]

I have to say I'd be shocked as well. It's not that common for 1 parent to realize they're gay but both parents - honestly, what are the odds? I have to believe your DH is probably feeling like his entire family is a sham.

I'm sure deep down your DH loves his parents but he really needs time to digest this. I think all you really can do is validate your DH's feelings and give him and space/time he needs to come to terms with this. Good luck.

 

[MrsKreamer]

I say just give them some space. Hope he comes around.

 

[BratTink]

When I "Came out" It is not hereditary!

How can someone who is gay say this? I assume you didn't choose to be gay, right? Its all about genetics honey.

 

[LovingWife2one]

How can someone who is gay say this? I assume you didn't choose to be gay, right? Its all about genetics honey.

I also thought it was genetic...?

 

[OceanAnnie]

I agree. Space is probably the best thing you can give him right now. When your DH does want to talk about it, (if I were in your shoes) I'd probably remind him he's still the same guy that was there for him (assuming he was) all of his life. I'd probably say something like if it's this hard for you, imagine how hard it must be for your dad.

It does sound like a double whammy in the family structure department. Memories are probably being relooked at with the new information in the forefront. He's probably asking himself, were the times he thought were happy, really happy at all? It'll take time and talking to his dad to come to terms with their family history and what it means to him.

Anyway, that's my take on it.

 

[Beth76]

How can someone who is gay say this? I assume you didn't choose to be gay, right? Its all about genetics honey.

She said hereditary, not genetic. Hereditary means "passed on" like certain diseases can be passed down through the generations. Gay people don't necessarily have gay children.

OP, I really think there's nothing you can do for now. This is HUGE news that will take a while to settle. Even though their parents' marriage was obviously not what they (your DH and brother) thought, I'm sure they both love their children. Sexual orientation doesn't affect your ability to parent. Hopefully, once they get over the initial shock, things will settle down.

 

[barkley]

depending on how old your dh and his sibs are, their parents may have never felt comfortable aknowledging even to themselves their true sexual orientation when they were younger (the parents) and may have entered into their marriage truly believing that they were hetrosexual-i have friends that are my age (40's) whose parents lived what they truly believed was a "normal mariage" until they entered relationships with people of the same sex and had what was the first truly passionate and fullfilling experience of their lives-(they did'nt know what they were lacking in their relationships until they experienced it first hand).

so their marriage may have never been a 'cover'.

by virtue of his father (and previously his mother) coming forward and telling him face to face in an honest manner what his sexual orientation is, shows in my opinion a great deal of love and trust. his father loves him enough to be honest about an extreemly personal aspect of his life (lets be honest-how many hetrosexual parents discuss their sexualty with their children)-and trusts that his son(s) will continue to love and support him. this is a awsome statement about the caliber of their relationship!

i think once the inital shock has worn off your dh should be happy that his mom is in a committed long term relationship with someone she loves who loves her, and should wish the same happiness will happen for his dd.

-gay or straight, having a parent who never so much as dated once my dad died (26 years ago), i would prefer my parent had found someone to share the remainder of her life with.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know you want them to have a good relationship. Sometimes that is just not possible. People have limitations to the amount of stuff they can handle.

I would give them space and if they choose to not speak to family for awhile then support them.
Things will now be forever changed and they have to go forward in their own way.

 

[LovingWife2one]

I want to thank everyone for their replys so far.

To barkley...

My husband and I are both in our mid-twenties, his brother is a few years older and closer to thirty. His mother has told me she always knew she was a lesbian and that my FIL knew this when they got married. That is one of the things that made me start to think he was gay. The other main thing was that while MIL is happy in a long term and loving relationship, FIL has never once mentioned a girlfriend or mention that he was even dating...he goes out a lot, but never said he was seeing someone.

FIL is staying with us until tomorrow. He went out tonight, we live in a party town with a lot of bars. As he was getting ready I could see some hurt in my husband's eyes. I guess I have been trying to see this from his POV. I don't see either of my parents being gay, and I guess once upon a time he probably thought the same thing.

I just hate seeing him like this. He told me his brother took it worse then he did....So now I am hoping my BIL is ok too. I just don't want to come off as pushy, just "I am there for you"...does that make sense?

 

[minkydog]

Give them some time. You know this has to hurt. I can only imagine how betrayed your husband must feel--that what he thought he knew was really a lie. It would be like finding out your Dad was a spy for a subversive nation.

Leave it alone;he'll talk went he needs to. In the meantime do what you can to make his life easy in other ways to let him know you care.

 

[LovingWife2one]

thanks again to everyone

 

[arminnie]

Il. It's not that common for 1 parent to realize they're gay but both parents - honestly, what are the odds?

More often than you would think. I've had gay friends who were divorced tell me that their spouse also came out. Usually not at the same time though.

 

[lowie]

i wonder if lesbian mom and gay dad got together because they both 'knew' they were gay but wanted a family.. could have been for convenience.. either way, your dh is lucky to have a dad and mom, hopefully he was loved as a child and can still have a nice relationship with his dad. maybe once the shock wears off he'll want to talk.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I hope I can accurately articulate my thoughts.

OP,
This really has nothing to do with your DH or his brother. This is their DAD'S thing. I can understand them being shocked, but this isn't something that is being done TO them. Your FIL has been struggling with coming out to them, I am sure. I am sure he is nervous about their reactions, but this isn't about THEM. Does that make sense? FIL is still the same person he has always been, but now he wants to be honest with his sons about exactly who the person he has always been really is. The issues that kids of gay parents face may not be issues for your DH and your BIL because they are already adults. They obviously will have feelings of confusion, maybe betrayal, anger, etc. that can be worked out either in counseling or just over time. I'm not sure if having your MIL already out makes it better or worse.

I guess my point is that while you definitely want to be loving and supportive to your DH, keep in mind that this isn't really about him, it's about FIL. Maybe try to gently remind your DH to keep the focus where it belongs.

I guess it is kind of the backwards version of kids coming out to their parents. It isn't about the parents, although they often want to make it into "Woe is me! Our child is gay!" It's not about them! Their child is still the exact same person, and still deserves the exact same love and respect that they have always deserved.

 

[BratTink]

She said hereditary, not genetic. Hereditary means "passed on" like certain diseases can be passed down through the generations. Gay people don't necessarily have gay children.

I'll let it go after this. What you describe is the exact same thing.

To the OP, sorry for stealing your thread. I hope you guys come through this and can remain a tight, happy family.