Need some advice for DSD

[BabyTigger99]

Okay, so DH's 13 year old daughter moved up to our house 2 weeks ago. Things are slowly getting better, but here is my issue. Yesterday, I stopped home from work, talked with her a little bit about the day, she said it was okay, I asked about what she had for homework (which her mom would have never done), she told me, and asked if I would help her when I got home from teaching my dance classes. Everything was going fine. When I got home, she asked if we could go to the YMCA to work out first, which was fine, I had actually mentioned it to her during the day. So we talked the whole way there, and the whole while we were walking the track. Got home, I helped her with her homework (DH doesn't have the patience to help her, they both get frustrated with each other, so I am the one to help her now), and we were talking about school. She had decided that she was going to go to Homework Help afterschool, because I was having some problems helping her with her math (my way wasn't the right way). She and I also talked about her being on the Yearbook team, and she got really excited about doing it. Everything seemed to be going well.

Fast forward to an hour later. She had been on the phone with her old friends. All of a sudden, she had a bad attitude about her new school, she was not going to go for Homework Help, because only geeks do that, and she doesn't want to do yearbook, she doesn't need friends at our house, you can't make her do what she doesn't want to do.

When she isn't talking to her old friends, things are so much better. She has her own cell phone, which her mom got for her and pays for, so that is how she is talking to them. The poor attitude she displays is having a big effect on her little brother (DS is 7).

This morning she did say that she would fill out the paperwork to be on Yearbook. So she must have had a change of heart. I just am looking for some advice on how I can help her break away from her old friends, and look for some new opportunites at our house.

 

[L107ANGEL]

She needs to make new friends and that will come in time. I think you are doing a great job with the transition

 

[MareQ]

I would let it be and not press the issue with her. Trust in her to make the right decision. There's obviously things she wants to do and her old friends are making her feel bad about it. Just the fact that this morning she is back to doing what she wanted to do to begin with says a lot. As time goes by she will lose interest in people that don't support the things that she likes.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I was going to say the same as the above posters. As she makes new friends she will outgrow her old ones.

 

[mom2boys]

Sounds like you are doing a great job. It also sounds like she really does want to make a new start. Since you can't keep her from talking to her old friends, just let her vent. They are her "comfort zone" even if she knows deep down that they will hold her back. Time and distance will take care of the old friends. Just keep doing what you are doing and don't take the bait after she has talked with the old friends. Gently let her know that she has to live with her decisions and that some decisions will make her happier than others ie: getting homework help; joining yearbook or another organization she enjoys...

 

[Christine]

I am having similar problems with my 15 y/o daughter. See my "unmotivated teen" post that I started this morning.

My DD has been at her new school for 2 months. She is also keeping in constant contact with her "old" friends from the old school. Now, I don't want to forbid this. Many of these kids are nice kids, but I do feel like her "heart" is still with them and it is holding her back from progressing in her new school. I do not, for one minute, believe that the other kids are encouraging her to be this way. I think she talks to them, misses them, and feels angry at having to have made the change. So she puts up a wall that she's not going to make new friends and do new things. I am really hoping that this just "goes away" but the longer time goes on the worse it gets.

I think at age 13, the loyalty will slip away a bit easier. My DD is 15 and many of her friends are driving and are quite independent. It is a bit easier for them to keep up friendships on their own now that they are older.

I don't really have any advice. I understand and agree that getting rid of these friends will probably help your DD in the long run, but please understand that the friends are probably not doing anything or saying anything to encourage this.

 

[CEDmom]

This is very typical behavior of 13 yo girls. This could have happened had she always lived with you. Her school friends might encourage her to do 1 thing and her neighborhood/church/soccer/whatever friends might encourage her to do something completely different. To save face she agrees with both and then works it out when she's alone.

I think you're doing great giving her the time and attention she needs. She'll adjust but don't expect this not to happen again.

 

[BabyTigger99]

I think some of my DSD's problem is that there are rules and consequences at our house. When she lived with her mom, she could do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, which explains all the F's she got last year and this year. I do think she does like having DH and I home at night, that we have dinner as a family, that she is not left on her own all the time. But, in that same vein, she is not used to people being around, making sure her homework is doing, making sure she gets to bed at a decent hour.

She did go visit her old friends last weekend, and was absolutely terrible when she came home. DH told her that if she acts that way after next time she goes to visit, there will be no next time.

 

[mickeyboat]

I moved almost every two years while growing up. Just when I got settled in one place, felt comfortable with my friends and school, we would up and move. I made friends easily, but it took time, and while I was waiting, I kept in touch with old friends by letters, no cell phones LOL!). My old friends were security for me while I was struggling to fit in at a new school.

I also felt a lot of resentment towards my parents for moving us so often, and it showed itself in a bad attitude.

I think what your DSD is doing is perfectly normal for someone in her stiuation, and agree with the above posters that things will improve in time. Give her lots of love and support (your DH, too), and I am sure you will see a change in her soon.

Denae

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I agree with the others. as she becomes closer to new friends the old friendships will slip away. If you try to hasten that along. you will only wind up being the bad guy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We moved from Missouri to Texas last year. In fact in April when dd was in 8th grade, she is now in 10th.

She is still friends with her Missouri buds and is also having a hard time here making "best friends".

Getting involved in school is a good way for them to feel connected to the new place. My dd is in the HS Marching Band and they are always together practicing and going rallies and the games.
She is also in Spanish Club.

So I would encourage her to get involved in the new school through activities but expect alot of irritation along the way.

 

[bananiem]

SInce it's only been 2 weeks I'd say you've got a good foundation started (her wanting to go to the Y with you and talking). But it has only been 2 weeks. I have a 12 year old dd and her moods swing pretty wide. I agree with the other posters that as she gets used to the new school and makes friends the old friends will become less important to her.
I think if you can be very supportive of her during the "calm" talks it will help too.

 

[minniecarousel]

Whatever you do - don't point out that talking to her old friends gives her a bad attitude! (DH's comment about seeing them isn't the same thing.) As the Step Mother, you have to tred lightly. Continue being her friend, guide her when it seems appropriate & try not to criticize (sounds like you're already biting your tongue!)

Hang in there!

 

[ChrizJen]

I don't have any advice, but I want to chime in with the others and say that it sounds like you are doing a stellar job, and that your DSD sounds like a GREAT kid who's adjusting to a change that's probably pretty scary for her. And 13 is a difficult time for any kid...Keep up the good work, and continue to be there for her, and things will just fall into place.