Need serious advice (long_)

[Toad_Passenger]

I'm going to echo what a lot of people said. If there is the slightest doubt in your mind, then I wouldn't go through with the wedding right now.

You said in a PP that you have extra money to save or use for entertainment every month. Why not cut down on those "extras" and throw that money at your debt? We all love to have fun, but that "fun" takes on a whole new meaning when you're debt-free!

As to the situation about dreams and goals, that's where I differ from a lot of people. To me, if you are truly in love with someone you are willing to give up some of your individual dreams, or work towards those dreams together. I know it's a terribly sappy movie, but I think of the movie "Love Story" when Jenny tells Oliver that she doesn't care about all those things that he thinks he "stole" from her (music, traveling to Paris, etc.) because once she married him none of that mattered anymore, so long as they were together.

It's Hollywood idealism, but it rings true. If you have even the slightest resentment for what this man may take from your life, than, perhaps, the "love" you feel isn't all that strong.

Good luck with all of your choices, and I think you have plenty of good advice from the Dis-ers!

 

[fatuhiva]

If I were him, I would not have proposed.

Just being honest. But I would not have. I realize he feels awful about this and I know he is scared. But at the same time, he realizes that asking me to give up everything else I ever wanted in life (a home, travel) to stay with him is a bit of a stretch.

You answered your own question. If you wouldn't have proposed, you don't think you should get married. Postpone/cancel/whatever, but if you're having these doubts now, it's not going to get any better after the wedding.

 

[snowbunny]

All I can say is don't get married if you have any doubts.

Completely agree. Although you say the only reason to cancel is budget, the real underlying issues (on the basis of your description) seem to be whether you feel you can trust this man completely and whether you have the same goals in life.

Money brings up all sorts of major issues in a relationship, starting with control. It's never "just" about money. On the basis of what you've said --don't do it.

 

[momtosam]

I wouldn't get married if I had doubts of any kind. Don't do it.
Sorry!

 

[eeyorethegreat]

Completely agree. Although you say the only reason to cancel is budget, the real underlying issues (on the basis of your description) seem to be whether you feel you can trust this man completely and whether you have the same goals in life.

Money brings up all sorts of major issues in a relationship, starting with control. It's never "just" about money. On the basis of what you've said --don't do it.

I agree I don't think finances are the only issue that is causing the OP to reconsider her commitment to this man. It is important to understand as others have said similar that there is no "perfect" marriage. If you look for it you won't find it. Perfect marriage would require perfect people and people don't come perfect. It seems like the OP is not ready to fully invest financially or emotionally in this relationship. If that is the case as it sounds, she needs to be realistic, honest and clear both with herself and her fiance.

Add: the issue with this house, I don't know but it just all sounds very odd to me. That isn't a judgement of anyone involved but the little that we know from what has been posted, it just doesn't sound like it is the whole story. OP you need to get the whole story if you don't have it already.

 

[Mrs. Bradbury]

I agree with everyone who said not to get married if you have any doubts. After 2 failed marriages I'm a sadder but wiser woman. As a never-married, you cannot imagine the h*ll you can be in in a miserable marriage but trust me, because I've lived it. Also, I'm not sure if this has been touched on because I haven't read all the pages of replies but you do NOT want to tie yourself to this man legally with his looming family financial/legal troubles. And speaking from experience again, when you marry a man you marry his family, too, and in his case that should be sending off alarm bells in you, too. Family dynamics are sooooo complicated and even if he wanted to have less to do with his brothers, they will still pursue him.

Loving him doesn't mean throwing yourself headlong into a situation that he and his brothers created, at the cost of your happiness and financial security. Postpone at the very least. Good luck.

 

[LauraAnn630]

These are the types of issues that lead people right to DIVORCE.

I would most defiantly put the wedding on hold. Give yourself more time.
OHH how I wish I would of been more patient myself! I just had to get married - big mistake!

He isn't in a position to ask you to married him right now. You can stay engaged. If you wait you can have the wedding you always wanted.
You deserve it!

Dont feel bad or sorry for him. There is a fine line between love and feeling sorry for someone.

With the economy the way it is you have to be extra careful now. A situation like this can ruin your financial situations for YEARS. Most married couples problems is MONEY!

 

[Jenn4615]

DO NOT GET MARRIED! Money is one of the number one issues people divorce. You also sound as if u need to do some growing up on your own!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I was thinking over this while cleaning and starting to put all of your posts together in my head. I am afraid I will upset you by posting this, but I do not mean any harm at all. I truly mean to help you by pointing out what I see as a very real possiblity so you can think things through and come to a decision. You have said that you do not think he should have proposed given the financial situation AND have been clear that your life plan includes having to be married by the arbitrary age of 35, something I assume you have shared with your DFi (given that you are very open about it on the DIS and in real life with your future partner you absolutely need to be able to talk about these things--I do not know your "real" username but I clearly recall posts from somenone whose fiance is upside down in a house with his two brothers so I am assuming this is you). You have even indicated that simply not being able to marry THIS man by age 35 is reason enough for you to leave and find someone else (I have to comment here that, barring feeling the need to marry before you become unable to conceive because you feel compelled to have children, I do not understand this at all. Wouldn't a better goal for anyone be to GET MARRIED WHEN YOU MEET THE PERSON YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH, rather that happens at 25, 35 or 65????). Anyway, putting this together I think it is very possible that:

You DFi may have propsed because he felt he HAD to or else you would leave him to find someone who was ready to marry you before your 35th birthday. Perhaps he believed that if he proposed and you guys set a date, etc you would realize he was serious about the relationship and then you would either:
A. Realize it would be better to wait beyond that magical age and get finances in order first
B. Become more flexible about other areas of your life. For example, maybe he thought you would realize havina roomate as a married couple would be okay (lots of people do--especially in high cost of living areas. DSiL and her husband have a roomate in LA. They make a good living but see no reason to spend a fortune on housing--they would rather have that extra money to travel the world, have nice clothes, etc.). Or maybe he thought you would take another look at what you consider to be "ghetto slum" areas and realize they are not so bad (okay, I was never more than a New Hampshirite who visited Boston now and again and I did know better than to be in some areas alone when I did not even know my way around, BUT I do not recall any part of Boston that was nearly as dire as you make it sound. The way you describe it kind of highlights to me that you have not travelled the world yet and seen what a ghetto slum truly is).

He may have also thought his brothers would be more willing to work on making this work if you were his soon to be wife and not jsut "some girl" he happens to be dating.

Now that the wedding is getting closer and neither A nor B has happened I wonder if he either totally fabricated this lawsuit, or made it out to be a much bigger deal than it is, in the hopes that you will back out now (so he does not have to "man up" and be the bad guy and call it off himself).

This being the budget board, I also want to ask if you have retirement savings that you simply forgot to lsit with all of your financial details? It really is important. If you do not, and nothing big changes (your income, how much you are paying in rent, getting rid of a car since you live where public transit is good, spending less on "entertainment" each month, etc) it seems like it will be a looooong time before travelling the world will be an option for you anyway. Maybe you need to really look at what YOU are doing to help yourself meet your goals before you look at what someone else will do to hinder you. Even with Boston housing costs it just seems to me you have a lot of debt and not much money left at the end of the month for being only one person supported by 45K a year. I think maybe you and your DFi could both use a little help in the budgeting area of your lives.

 

[rockundergirl]

Something sounds shady about what this guy is telling you. I would do a background check on him. Even if he works full time with at a retail store, after the mortgage is split by 3 he should have more then 200 dollars left over... I understand other bills come with the house, but If hes that upside down it in that he can't afford to live, he should have a bankruptcy. With a chapter 7 ( since he doesn't want/need to keep his portion of the house) he would free up most of his income. So like I said , something is not adding up. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. If he got him self into this money mess and can't get out, he will continue to get himself into messes he can't get out of. IMO

 

[KennedyMcKenna]

I don't have any advice, other than to say to take a deep breath, and know that people are thinking of you. Try to stay as stress free as possible, and love your life. My heart goes out to you.

 

[kaysmommie]

I would absolutely rethink marrying into a situation like this one. Life and marriage are challenging enough without all his financial burdens. It would postpone the wedding at the very least. I don't care if he is the sweetest person on this earth I would not put myself in this situation.

 

[Resseda]

Not sure really what help I can suggest, other then, to say: If you are already resenting things that havent even happened yet, and already bitter about wedding issues....it will only get worse once you are married. Marriage is tough enough when you are in love beyone measure and have normal first years problems, the kind that you will have would be beyond that "normal" scope IMO.

If you are unhappy and resentful now, it really will only get worse. Do not go forward with the wedding. Right now, you don't even need to figure out the next step after that...just don't get married. Step back, stay where you're at, plan...but don't dive into a marriage you're not emotionally/financially prepared for, because it's a whole lot easier for you to remove yourself now than after you're married. All your plans are based upon in X amount of time, this will be paid off, and that will be paid, and the house will be sold...if something happens and those things don't happen, your resentment and unhappiness will be unbearable.

Been there...PM me if you'd like.

Ress

 

[GingerJay]

To answer a few of the questions.

It is important to me to be married. I'm not comfortable just living with someone or just dating forever. I would like this, ideally before I am 35. I'm not getting any younger and I want to start building a life with someone while I am still young enough to be working, traveling and able to put money away for retirement.

I have suggested FI just walk away. I am the LAST person who would ever tell someone to trash their credit. But his house situation is very dire. But he refuses to walk away because it would hurt his brothers. None of the 3 of them can afford even 1/2 the house on their own.

They are also afraid that if they just let it foreclose, they will end up owning the bank for the lawsuit.
I know very little about it. I try to stay uninvolved in the house since it is not my house and his brothers do not want my say. I suspect they do not want to move out as bad.


I think I have to just start coming to grips with the fact that I have to choose between the life I wanted or the man I wanted to share that life with.

It's just not fair.

Just FYI- As long as the loan against the house as used to purchase the property (ie not an equity line or 2nd mortgage), the bank shouldn't be allowed to get a defeciency judgement if they don't get enough at the foreclosure sale to payoff what he owes.

 

[piglet50]

run away while you still can.

 

[Va-bear]

Nothing is wrong with wanting a partner...two equal members of a relationship. But if you are wrapped up completely in the finance of the relationship it sounds like you are looking at a business partner, not a life partner.

To me, it sounds like you don't want to get married...so don't. I don't mean to sound cruel, really I don't. But it seems to me that your responses/comments are answering the question you originally asked. You don't want this.

I agree w/this post 100%. Don't get married - it sounds like you will be miserable - life is WAY too short to be miserable, by choice.

At every step, you sound unhappy and unwilling to change - even 'small' changes, like "I will NOT get married, PERIOD, if we have to take a roomie" (not a direct quote...). Taking a roomie could help make this situation doable. DH and I had a roomie at times early on in marriage, no it wasn't ideal (not even close), but it was what we had to do - were HAPPY to do - to make it work for us. When we were able we stopped having a roomie. It is just one example - along w/ the many others folks have given you - that could help. But for these things to work you'd have to be willing to except some change or less than ideal situations...sounds like you are not and that is your right, but it just backs up my 'dont get married' vote.

I hope things look up in one way or another soon.

 

[bethy]

I haven't read all the replies but my response is DO NOT GET MARRIED. At least not to this man right now.

Love will not solve all of these issues. True love that lasts a lifetime is not a feeling but a decision. There are times in marriage when you will not "feel" love for someone but you still decide to keep loving them. All of these problems you are facing now while you are desperately in the throes of new love will only get worse once married and all the excitement wears off.

Right now you still have the opportunity to back out of this arrangement. Once you are married you will forever lose that option. You will be permanently tying yourself to a man and a situation you have doubts about. Once married you do have to take things that come along, join forces and tackle problems together as a team. For any problems or isues that preexisted you will have to make the best of it and lie in the bed you made YOURSELF.

This is your decision and yours alone. If you commit yourself to this marriage you will be doing it with eyes wide open and once done, you alone will be accountable for your circumstances and your decision. You will no longer be ablet to blame your finance for anything - it sounds like he's been very upfront about his situation.

When people tell you who they are, listen to them. When an obvious situation stares you in the face, acknowledge and internalize it. None of this will go away once you are married and the stakes will only seem higher.

Your finance deserves a happy loving marriage, too.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Um, no. I was not planning to get married to increase my income. If I was planning that, I would have sought a man who made more than I do. What a joke.

But I want an equal. How is that wrong?

I have debts that are old, and will be gone in 2 years. As a single person living with a roommate (pretty common around here where rents for a 1 BR are 800+ a month) I have over $600 a month left over after paying more than the mins on my cc's and loans to save or enjoy life. At the moment, my life is actually pretty sweet. I could get my own studio apt. now if I wanted to and if I don't get married, I probably will.

What worries me is the far off future. It's not like when we are 40 and his house is finally gone and his suit debt is paid off we will then be able to go buy a house and live a life. During the time leading up to that we will have NO money to save. None. Nothing.

Honey, life isn't always equal. You have no idea what the future holds. One or both of you could get layed off, injured, sick etc. There is no way to control that.
You still have debts whether they are old, new, or gone in 2 years it doesn't matter. It's not like you have a sparkling bank account either.
As for having a roomate, I live in NY and 1br apts have always pretty much always been at least $800 a month but usually more. I know, I used to live in one before I got married. I did not have a roommate. I did work a lot though so I could save and still enjoy life. I also traveled.
I am not putting you down but you are very hung up on what your DFI has as far as money and I don't see you as being in too much of a better position. I think you just wanted to be married so you said yes. If I were you (or him) I would call it off and go separate ways. Clearly you do not want to marry him and I don't buy that a neighbor is suing the whole neighborhood. You know very little about the house etc. Sorry, but those are things that you do not keep to yourself when you are getting married. Maybe you just think you love him so much because he happens to be there. I would break up and move on. Better to be alone than be with someone who you think you will have a horrendous life with.

 

[deerhart]

jumping in here again as i have had a chance to think about the emotional isues in this case (versus some of the factual stuff).

Now I am coming from an almost 11 year marriage and we have been through just about every thing here.

Not only should you rethink marrying this guy, but I think you need to rethink your idea of what marriage is, what your expectations of married life are etc..

Marriage has ups and downs. You have clearly laid out what you expect (building a life together, traveling , financial freedom etc), but how are you going to react if one of you loses their job? What if one of you decides to start a business? go back to school and into a new career? What happens if a child does come along?

I understand your doubts and concerns over your dreams changing. But part of life is prioritizing your dreams AND dealing with the ups and downs in life. yes women do give up dreams and get married, or sometimes we just put them off or they have to be reworked. This is because the person we are marrying is more important to us then that dream 9mine was law school NOT in the area I live in, I ended up taking 5 years off, having 2 kids, and then going to law school where we lived at and paying out the nose for it).

If you haven't had many ups and downs in your 30 some odd years good for you!!! But that is no indication that it will stay that way (in my almost 11 years of marriage we have been through 2 complicated pregnancies, 3 job losses AND my unemployment for over 6 months during each of my pregnancies due to the complications, 1 very special needs child the other minor special needs, my return full time to school, dh going part time currently, dh hating his job multiple times, and the list goes on and on)

You should NOT enter into this permanent of a relationship until you are ready to give all of yourself to it. For good or bad, dreams or no dreams. As you said your building a life TOGETHER with your partner... this does not mean that your necessarily building the dream life YOU have created (does he not get a say the life you build together?). It means your building, from scratch, what you both bring into the relationship. This means you set your goals TOGETHER, you make decisions TOGETHER, and you place each brink in the foundation TOGETHER. Your relationship will NEVER be completely equal. You each have strengths and weaknesses and the power will shift from one partner to the other depending on the situation you find yourself in. But you must respect each other, you must converse with each other, and you both must be completely invested into what you have together and the goals you've created together. When you start focusing on solely on you as the individual in the relationship, your in trouble (that's not to say you never think about yourself but when the discussion is about how your losing your dreams and wants and no discussion about us and ours well....). A marriage will never be your way and it should never be his way... its OUR way!

And if you think getting married and this mess is expensive.. try a divorce. The average contested divorce around here (and we arn't a really expensive place to live) is going to run each party $3-$6k. If the financial situation is more complicated (sort of like yours with other parties holding interests etc) then expect that the fees will easily top $7.5k-$10k per person.

 

[bumbershoot]

True love that lasts a lifetime is not a feeling but a decision.

When people tell you who they are, listen to them.

True and true! Very very true!