Need Relationship Advice

[The Mystery Machine]

Shrugging your shoulders, huh? I guess I have to spell it out for you.

Well he rants on "women taking his money" so you won't ask him.

It is called manipulation.

 

[poohandwendy]

It's obvious you are uncomfortable with the idea of discussing this with your boyfriend. I'm going to tell you what my mother told me many years ago. You simply have no business living with or marrying somebody that you cannot talk to about finances, household planning, sex, health, religion, family, and future plans. If you can't sit down and talk about these things without fear of being mistrusted or fear of starting a fight, then you should really rethink this. Communication is the single biggest factor to success in a relationship. It doesn't sound like you guys have that. Just because he gives you attention and dotes on you does not mean he has any desire to communicate with you.

You are young. The right partner is out there for you. It would suck if you missed him because you were busy trying to prove your love and worth to this guy.

Your mother is a very wise woman.

 

[bamajill]

It's obvious you are uncomfortable with the idea of discussing this with your boyfriend. I'm going to tell you what my mother told me many years ago. You simply have no business living with or marrying somebody that you cannot talk to about finances, household planning, sex, health, religion, family, and future plans. If you can't sit down and talk about these things without fear of being mistrusted or fear of starting a fight, then you should really rethink this. Communication is the single biggest factor to success in a relationship. It doesn't sound like you guys have that. Just because he gives you attention and dotes on you does not mean he has any desire to communicate with you.

You are young. The right partner is out there for you. It would suck if you missed him because you were busy trying to prove your love and worth to this guy.

I don't think you will get any advice that is better than this, OP. This post sums up everything that needs to be said!

 

[PrincessKitty1]

I guess love is blind? I wanted to SHOW him that I'm not after any $ because he's been hurt so badly in the past by those he trusted. I really don't need the $, but I'm starting to really resent that he hasn't even offered.

OK, I didn't start out thinking there was any trolling going on, but I'm starting to change my mind.

If you are actually serious and not just yanking our chains, my advice would be to tell him you do not think you want to live with somebody who is so opposed to marriage. That you think the two of you may have jumped into this too quickly. That you would like him to move out to take the pressure off both of you so that you both can make decisions about what kind of a relationship you want in your future.

A good man would not offer to pay his half of the expenses, he would INSIST. A man that cheap and withholding with his finances is bound to be as cheap and withholding with his love. If I were you, I'd realize I'd made a big mistake and thank my lucky stars that I figured it out before I married the dude. Then I'd kick him to the curb, as others have already suggested.

Meanwhile, if you insist on letting this cheapskate live with you all expenses paid, make sure you keep a close eye on your credit card bills and check your credit report to make sure he isn't already opening up new cards etc. in your name.

 

[suzannen]

It's obvious you are uncomfortable with the idea of discussing this with your boyfriend. I'm going to tell you what my mother told me many years ago. You simply have no business living with or marrying somebody that you cannot talk to about finances, household planning, sex, health, religion, family, and future plans. If you can't sit down and talk about these things without fear of being mistrusted or fear of starting a fight, then you should really rethink this. Communication is the single biggest factor to success in a relationship. It doesn't sound like you guys have that. Just because he gives you attention and dotes on you does not mean he has any desire to communicate with you.

You are young. The right partner is out there for you. It would suck if you missed him because you were busy trying to prove your love and worth to this guy.

Bolding this because, Dakota_Lynn, this is a great barometer for anyone who is even thinking of living together or getting married! I'm passing this to my eldest DD (28) who is in a serious relationship and they are wondering are they ready for a more serious commitment. Your mom sounds very wise!

 

[punkin]

Meanwhile, if you insist on letting this cheapskate live with you all expenses paid, make sure you keep a close eye on your credit card bills and check your credit report to make sure he isn't already opening up new cards etc. in your name.

good point

 

[agnes!]

Me = late 30's, divorced
Him = late 40's, divorced 2x
Began dating = 7 months ago

Fell head over heels in love with this guy. Asked him to move in 2 months ago, he did. Gave me an engagement ring for Christmas. We are both financially stable, but he is very frugile and oftentimes comments that he was "taken to the cleaners" by 2 wives and that he wouldn't let that happen again. He has a general distrust of women, still regularly fighting one of his ex-wife's as she still tries to open credit cards in his name every couple of years. Yes she's insane & he's made poor choices in past relationships.

In the past 2 months, he has offered no contribution to living expenses and I haven't requested any. After one of his women-hating tirades several nights ago, he tells me he really doesn't want to get married. Marriage is all upside for women, downside for men.

OK I love this man. He's living in my house, free of charge. I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to be taken advantage of.

I need advice.

Thanks for the advice so far. What do I see in him? He dotes on me like no other man has before. He is very affectionate and tells me he adores me. He's brilliant and funny... teaches me something I didn't know every day and makes me laugh every day!

His last divorce was 7 or so years ago and he has had one other serious girlfriend since then.

I guess love is blind? I wanted to SHOW him that I'm not after any $ because he's been hurt so badly in the past by those he trusted. I really don't need the $, but I'm starting to really resent that he hasn't even offered.

And you believe him?!?
Unless you have independent corraboration...
You only have his word that he's "only had one serious girlfriend" since the last divorce,
you only have his word about the divorces themselves,
you only have his word about the ex-wife/credit cards,
you only have his word that he is even divorced...

Unfortunately, in today's world, you cannot always trust what a stranger tells you. Personally, if I were dating and I didn't really know this guy very well, I would hire a personal investigator and have a background check done FOR SURE before I would even think about him moving in with me.

If you're not a troll, then you already know the answer.
agnes!

 

[Oreo Cookie]

It's obvious you are uncomfortable with the idea of discussing this with your boyfriend. I'm going to tell you what my mother told me many years ago. You simply have no business living with or marrying somebody that you cannot talk to about finances, household planning, sex, health, religion, family, and future plans. If you can't sit down and talk about these things without fear of being mistrusted or fear of starting a fight, then you should really rethink this. Communication is the single biggest factor to success in a relationship. It doesn't sound like you guys have that. Just because he gives you attention and dotes on you does not mean he has any desire to communicate with you.

You are young. The right partner is out there for you. It would suck if you missed him because you were busy trying to prove your love and worth to this guy.

Great post and I totally agree.

OP - If he's in love with you then the two of you would be communicating and building a future. He would want to share in the expenses, not sponge off of you.

 

[CTrumble]

1) make a grocery list, ask him to get the stuff....assuming he does this and doesn't mention the money he spent, then you MIGHT just have a clueless guy on your hands, then....

2) all you have to do is pay the bills in front of him as an easy way to broach the subject of him contributing to the household


Personally, I'd put tampons on the list and see if he brings them home.....

 

[Rhonda922]

Personally, my first thought was 'why would you even want to be with this man'? It just sounds like a relationship with him is going to be a pain in the neck. I don't get it. Plus, for me, I cannot stand a man who doesn't pay his own way. I can't stand a lazy stingy man. I mean, there is such a thing as if my DH doesn't have money, I will certainly give it to him. We don't even bother to pay it back when we give each other money. But in your case, if he's not uplifting you and making you feel good all-around then you might as well be by yourself. What do you need him for??

 

[PrincessKitty1]

And you believe him?!?
Unless you have independent corraboration...
You only have his word that he's "only had one serious girlfriend" since the last divorce,
you only have his word about the divorces themselves,
you only have his word about the ex-wife/credit cards,
you only have his word that he is even divorced...

Unfortunately, in today's world, you cannot always trust what a stranger tells you. Personally, if I were dating and I didn't really know this guy very well, I would hire a personal investigator and have a background check done FOR SURE before I would even think about him moving in with me.

If you're not a troll, then you already know the answer.
agnes!

Good points. My sister married a man who told her (among many other lies) that he'd been married once at a young age and, like her, chose to raise his children after he divorced instead of remarrying. DH and I looked him up on line and found out he had been married AT LEAST 4 times (and this was in 1996 before there were a lot of databases on line--he may have been married many times more in other states). My sister was, at the minimum, his 5th marriage.

Was my sister mad at him for lying? Who knows?? I do know she was FURIOUS with us for looking him up on line.

 

[LBelle]

Says it all!!!!!

 

[EthansMom]

He should be willing to pay for his share of reasonable expenses. IMO, that should be one half of food, one half of utilities, and a reasonable amount toward his housing (1/2 if renting, maybe less than 1/2 if you are paying on a mortgage).

If he isn't willing to pay for his portion of reasonable expenses, then tell him that while you care for him you think it would be better if you didn't live together. If he doesn't want to leave and isn't willing to pay for expenses, then kick his butt to the curb.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

If all you need is someone to make you laugh and tell you that you are cute and you will pay all their bills then sign me up! I will even make the kids do the same and they will teach you something new every day! Trust me!

Seriously- why did you not discuss all this before he moved in? I never was afraid to ask my dh anything from the day we started dating. AND- we were only dating 3 months when we moved in (gasp! ) I did however know him for many years as a friend so different scenario but still- if you can't talk to him now you won't be able to talk to him later. I personally think you should run for the hills. Heck join Witness Protection if you have to to get away from him! Any man who is that much of a weinie that he doesn't automatically tell you that he wants to pay his share is just that- a weinie. Doesn't he have any self respect? My dh would have been mortified to be a "kept man". Your boyfriend has more problems than you even know. You are young- don't settle. You will find the right one but sometimes it takes a while. Now go get yourself some hefty bags to pack his stuff up in.

 

[Glenn]

Has this guy paid for anything? Does he pick up grocerys or dry cleaning on the way home? Maybe carry out when your tired & dont want to cook? And what do you mean about paying attention? Does he help around the house? Now if hes doing all the washing, cleaning, cooking and the like that would count at least for making your like easier. If he hasnt paid for anything & doesnt do anything around the place get rid of him considering that your pay is equal. It wont change. Like someone here said to see his reaction start asking him to pick up groceries on the way home. Good luck

 

[mudnuri]

I haven't paid anything since DBF and I started dating. And he doesnt even live here!

If we're together, he pays for whatever it is at that time. Groceries, Fuel for my truck, Walmart, Dinner, Breakfast, snowboards for my DD's...doesnt matter what it is- he pays it. generally pays my rent, and always pays the cell bill, 4 phones, 1 his, 1 mine, and 2 my Dd's...

he also opens every door for me, refuses to walk into a place in front of me, because he cant hold the door if he does that. He shows his appreciation for our relationship in the little things he does...he comes by with flowers, not only for me, but also flowers for my DD's on occasions.

Calls a hotel and gets me a room when he knows I'm exhausted at clinical, and have a 3 hour drive home....just because.....One day I mentioned on my way to clinical I needed to get fuel before I drove the hour to see him that night. I get out of clinical, and my truck's gas tank is full, a single rose on the seat....yup, he drove into a congested city, with his 18 wheeler, found a place near a level III trauma center to park it, and took the Durango and filled it up... why? Certainly not because I'm out for his money

We are able to discuss EVERYTHING...when he first started paying for stuff, it bothered me, because I am a very independent person by nature, and being a single mom I know what I can afford and what I can't. I never went out looking to buy something i knew he would pay for. Because we were open about our financial situations, he fully knew I was not out for his money. He knows that I love him, for the person he is, not the things he buys.

to some, money isn't everything, to others, it will ruin everything. After being in a relationship 100% opposite of this, where I coudlnt discuss ANYTHING that might be controversial...I am NEVER going back to that again. This is the type of relationship for me,

Brandy

 

[Orange County Girl]

Face it OP- You are his "Sugarmama"!

He probably thinks he deserves to be taken care of after all of his "bad luck".

 

[Pumbaa_]

why would he buy you a ring if he has no intention of getting married again? Sorry, sounds like he is not in it for the long haul. How is he building a lifelong future with you?

Surely not by his actions.

On the plus side, you can get him out and no harm done. Live and learn

 

[Mouse House Mama]

why would he buy you a ring if he has no intention of getting married again? Sorry, sounds like he is not in it for the long haul. How is he building a lifelong future with you?

Surely not by his actions.

On the plus side, you can get him out and no harm done. Live and learn

Maybe he keeps the ring and just keeps passing it on to the next sugarmama?

 

[Missy1961]

maybe the ring is fake.