Need help with appropriate punishment.

[rockin_rep]

I agree with what everyone else said here but will expand. I think one of the most important things you can teach your kids is that they can come to you when they make a mistake. I think by doling out such a cruel punishment for such a minor infraction at such a young age, you are going to teach your kids that they better figure out a better way to hide it when they make mistakes because they are really in for trouble if you find out. Maybe you think I am being overdramatic about it being a cruel punishment, but to a 4 1/2 year old, dangling a gift in front of them and then taking it away can be pretty mentally cruel. As someone else pointed out, their ability to reason abstractly is not yet developed. .

I agree. While it's not always easy to do, i think we need to differentiate between *intention / rebellion*-- and *immaturity* -- and this just sounds like an immature act becuase he's so young. It doesn't sound like he intended to break the ball out of rebellion, anger, etc.

Immaturity, when they're exploring to learn, shouldn't be punished....and it does sound what happened. At least the broken ball part. Keeping it from you is another matter, but again, at that age it's likely immaturity.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Well he obviously knew he did something wrong because he tried to hide it. I think a good "talking-to" is in order.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The ball destruction is more of an accident.

Now not taking a nap? Well my kids were done with naps at that age. Perhaps you should examine this mom.

Instead of punishment I would discuss it with him. Perhaps this is your "sign" that he is ready to give up his nap.

I would pay attention to that. He is growing up.

 

[AMcaptured]

He's four!!! Accidents happen!

I am sure he didn't do it with malicious intent however showing him something you bought him and now are going to take back to the store as punishment for breaking a ball ( I agree with another poster, those balls are pretty darn hard to destroy) is malicious.

We have two, in different sizes, and my daughters friends are always messing around with them, and they are teenagers, and nothing has ever happened to them. Something freaky happened and he knew you used it and he knew that you would be upset with him and he didn't want to upset you. I think punishing him now for such a minor thing is just going to teach him to hide things from you and not be honest and open. I believe he knows he upset you.

Merry Christmas

 

[Marseeya]

Well he obviously knew he did something wrong because he tried to hide it. I think a good "talking-to" is in order.

Or a time out.

Yikes, I can't imagine thinking up elaborate punishments for a 4 year old anyway. I would have made it clear to my kids that they weren't being punished for breaking the ball, but for hiding it from me and being dishonest.

 

[aprilgail2]

Now not taking a nap? Well my kids were done with naps at that age. Perhaps you should examine this mom.

I would pay attention to that. He is growing up.

The OP said he was supposed to be sleeping, not napping....I didn't think napping I just thought sleeping for the night...I may be wrong but I just assumed that since he is 4 years old that it would not mean napping.

 

[pattyT]

When he woke up did you ask him what happened?
was he honest?

umm it is a ball - something that most kids are use to being able to play with right.

I think that is an extreme punishment.

Maybe you should put your things in a safer place...

aren't you the child physchologist??

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The OP said he was supposed to be sleeping, not napping....I didn't think napping I just thought sleeping for the night...I may be wrong but I just assumed that since he is 4 years old that it would not mean napping.

OOPs, missed that part. Thanks.

 

[birdiesunshine]

It's an exercise ball for god's sake. Go get yourself a new one. Feel free to tell your son that you are upset that he broke it let that be the end of it. Don't withhold any gifts.

 

[Black Diamond]

I say get over it and get some Christmas Spirit. He's still a baby for godness sakes. Buy yourself some new balls.

 

[ducklite]

I also agree with Dakota Lynn's idea. I do think this is something you must address now. Yes, accidents happen and I also do not think the value of the ball is what is important. If the fact is he hid the damage from you, that is what I would be concerned with. Goodluck.

I totally agree, the hiding of the ball is a big concern. Although I'd be interested in how or why he damaged it.

Could it be that he feels "left out" when you are excercising, and in his four year old brain thought if the ball was gone he'd have more of your time? That's the type of thing you need to figure out, and work out with him.

Anne

 

[becka]

Well my son is about a year younger but I don't think my opinion would change if he was 4 1/2. If this happened at my house my DS would get a "talking to" and I would tell him how disappointed I was and that because he broke the ball I now had to buy a new one. I would also take away a privilege for the day such as no TV or no computer games, etc.. I would not bring Christmas into it at all. I find that taking away TV or the computer works well because it is something DS wants to do and whenever he asks to do one of those things he is reminded of why he can't do them - actually I make him tell me each time he asks why he can't watch TV, etc.. I think this helps reinforce the connection between his behavior and the loss of the privilege.

 

[wilderness01]

I agree that I would be a little upset that he hid the ball but has he done something like this in the past and been given such a harsh punishment so that is what he has learned to do?

He is so young that I would just talk with him and tell him that I was sad. I agree maybe take away a favorite toy or activity for a period of time or a time out but to take away a Christmas present is so harsh that it concerns me. I am certain your pediatrician would agree. What would that be teaching him? He is so young why would you want to taint his thoughts of Christmas? The appropriate crime should fit the punishment and believe me I am no push over with my kids. But if you do that at this young age what on earth are you going to do when the child gets older and is really naughty or makes a bigger mistake? Please be kind to him and really maybe this sounds rough and I really don't mean it to be, but I think both you and your husband need to get a book on child rearing. The thought of dangling a gift over a 4 year old's head and then taking it away is just plain cruel and uncalled for. I hope that was just your anger talking. Get over it and go purchase a new ball. Then put it away where the child can't touch it.

 

[noseybuddy]

Aww, he's just 4 years old. I think having a talk with him and letting him know that mommy is sad and disappointed and punishment enough. Those little brains can only understand and comprend so much.

ITA

 

[bananiem]

Well, I have to agree with the majority of what has been said by other posters.
In my experience working with 4-5 year olds, generally they think Mommy and Daddy or Teacher can fix anything. They'll bring you all kinds of little broken pieces to fix. The fact that your son felt he had to hide it speaks volumes for what his experience has been.

 

[DawnCt1]

14 years ago my MIL and FIL decided that they would not give 3 out of our 4 sons a Christmas present. Not that they were ever generous with Christmas presents anyway, so clearly any present they gave was purely symbolic. The reason???? They didn't write a thank you note to them for the Christmas presents from the year before. Let me add that my in laws have NEVER written us a thank you note for anything, so they were expecting a "courtesy" that they have never extended nor expected from anyone else in the family. Christmas is Christmas. Now flash forward 14 years later. They still remember that, and not fondly, I might add. Why taint Christmas.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I have a real problem with kids breaking things do to careless behavior and it is something that tends to get me mad. However, he's 4yo and I would not take away a present, much less show him what I am taking away! I might want to do that and knowing me I'd even threaten it , but I would not carry through on it. I would have him "work" it off. Kind of hard to do with a 4yo, but you could think of some small jobs he could help you with around the house. A better lesson than taking a present away.

I didn't read all the replies to find out of he was trying to break it or if it was an accident. I would have more severe consequences if he had been trying to ruin it, but I have a feeling that wasn't the case with a 4yo.

 

[minkydog]

I agree that I would be a little upset that he hid the ball but has he done something like this in the past and been given such a harsh punishment so that is what he has learned to do?

He is so young that I would just talk with him and tell him that I was sad. I agree maybe take away a favorite toy or activity for a period of time or a time out but to take away a Christmas present is so harsh that it concerns me. I am certain your pediatrician would agree. What would that be teaching him? He is so young why would you want to taint his thoughts of Christmas? The appropriate crime should fit the punishment and believe me I am no push over with my kids. But if you do that at this young age what on earth are you going to do when the child gets older and is really naughty or makes a bigger mistake? Please be kind to him and really maybe this sounds rough and I really don't mean it to be, but I think both you and your husband need to get a book on child rearing. The thought of dangling a gift over a 4 year old's head and then taking it away is just plain cruel and uncalled for. I hope that was just your anger talking. Get over it and go purchase a new ball. Then put it away where the child can't touch it.

You are right on the mark. This is a 4yo child who made a mistake. It wasn't life-threatening and it wasn't mean. Yes, he hid the ball--who wouldn't? Have you never broken something and then hid the evidence hoping no one would find out? If his parents get this bent out of shape over a broken ball, can you imagine what would happen if he broke a plate or scratched his ABCs into a doorframe or flushed his poopy undies down the toilet(all things my children have done)?

The thing to do is show him the ball and tell him you are sad about it. Tell him you love him and know he didn't mean to pop it,but it can't be fixed. Ask him what he thinks should happen next--you might be surprised at how he would punish himself for this. Then remove a privilege, replace your precious ball and keep it out of his hands. Leave Christmas out of it(sheesh!) Little kids make mistakes.Show some mercy.

 

[Beth76]

Wow, wasn't expecting 3 pages when I woke up!!! OK, so we won't take the toy away. At least not tell him about it. There was a toy I was considering taking back anyway because he didn't specifically ask for it and he's got so much already. To be clear, my son was not supposed to be napping, he was supposed to be sleeping for the night and he came into my office where I keep the ball (I sit on it at the computer). I asked him this morning what happened to my ball and he just said "I don't know" and ran away. So, I'm guessing he wasn't just playing with it and it broke. I'm guessing that he did something to break it, but I have to go investigate further.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Wow, wasn't expecting 3 pages when I woke up!!! OK, so we won't take the toy away. At least not tell him about it. There was a toy I was considering taking back anyway because he didn't specifically ask for it and he's got so much already. To be clear, my son was not supposed to be napping, he was supposed to be sleeping for the night and he came into my office where I keep the ball (I sit on it at the computer). I asked him this morning what happened to my ball and he just said "I don't know" and ran away. So, I'm guessing he wasn't just playing with it and it broke. I'm guessing that he did something to break it, but I have to go investigate further.

Okay to return an unwanted toy is one thing. To return a toy for something your DS did and you don't tell him about it, makes absolutely NO SENSE. Christmas should play NO PART in what happened. Give him a talking to, give him a time-out, take something away now, but to return a gift he doesn't even know about as a punishment makes no sense what so ever.