Need help on how to approach friend.

[BellvilleDad]

As other have said, I'm sure he's feeling flattered, but it's time for him to man-up. He needs to take care of his family and stop indulging this girl.

 

[N&B'smom]

You aren't sure what to tell him? Really?

Tell him to RUN away from this woman asap. Remind him that at one point he felt like his wife was 'the one' also. The grass isn't always greener, she's just a new distraction and he needs to spend his time focusing on his WIFE.

How does he KNOW they have so much in common just from working with her????? My guess he's been spending time with her, slowly allowing himself to get more and more involved. He needs to end it NOW before it's too late. (if it's not too late already!)

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Stepped out for lunch and just got caught up with all the responses. I really appreciate all of the responses.

I do agree with everyone who says just go and smack him back into reality, but that may set the wrong tone for something he may really be struggling with. Like I said, I can't wait to go out with him tomorrow and see really what is going on. I don't get the sense that he's asking "permission" because, as PPs have said, he's going to do what he's going to do. I'm wondering if he's seriously trying to figure out how to handle the situation.

Knowing him for all of these years I know he's shy, and I'm certain that he's loving the attention from all of this. Perhaps he's trying to figure out a way to set this girl straight, but still keep her as a friend, because of the way she flatters him? As I said, tomorrow I'll be able to get all of the details and we'll go from there.

I've gotten so many good ideas on how to approach the situation, that I think I'm well armed for battle.

The DIS is really one of the best advisory panels you can find!

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Huh? My parents have been married for fifty three years. Not in perfection OF COURSE but my father still looks at my mother like she's the redheaded girl he missed streetcars for and fell head over heels.

One of my best friend's husband started out "innocently" flirting with other women at work (he coaches gymnastics). It progressed into flirting with, well, anyone he encounter. Then he cheated. Then he cheated again. (all the while BFF was at home with their infant daughter and preschooler - he was "at work").

People usually don't dive headfirst into straying - there is usually a testing of the water through flirting, messaging, water cooler talk.

He is hosting the idea of going further with the other woman. That is COMPLETELY different than thinking about her. I believe he is seeking OP's permission/blessing whatever to move further.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I do agree with everyone who says just go and smack him back into reality, but that may set the wrong tone for something he may really be struggling with.

What could he be struggling with? It's not that hard of a question to figure out... he either wants to make it work at home or he doesn't. If he's questioning his marriage, he and his wife should try counseling. However, he may already be too far gone and is on the fence about the emotional stuff (breaking up of the family, etc.). You need to ask him if it's worth it. Then smack him back into reality...

 

[smartkim]

What's he going to do 10 years from now when another temptation like this comes along (and it WILL happen)?

His vow to God and his wife should be enough of a reason to stay away from it. And, if for nothing else, the love of his children. A spouse should never go through the other one having infidelity but the children especially don't deserve the heartbreak it brings.

The best advice you could give to your best friend is that if this other woman is causing him to think of her or talk about her, she is too much of a temptation and he needs to get out of the situation even if it means to find another job because eventually disaster IS going to happen. There is nothing good that will come from flirting with danger, he WILL get bitten.

 

[krcit]

Just tell your friend that the more he sees of other women, the more he'll appreciate the one he's got.

It sounds to me like he's been thrown for a bit of a loop and is seeking some reassurance from his friend. Not permission to cheat. Not knowing the young woman or your friend, it's probably one of those deals where there is a spark. It does happen. All of us have multiple kindred spirits throughout our lives. It's only a problem if he acts on it. You might recommend that he keep his distance though from this new colleague. Don't seek her out and don't let her seek him out (i.e., if they like to have morning break together to chat about common interests, stop doing it).

Don't lecture the poor guy. Be supportive but do help him remember all the things he loves about his wife and their life together. We all get bored. That's what makes live a challenge. Successful married folk learn that you have to keep falling right back in love with each other. Maybe he and his wife have been too wrapped up in work and their daughters. You might suggest that he take her away for the weekend for a bit of "reacquainting".

I agree with this. I didn't know that when I got married I would be immune to all temptation and/or 'bad' thoughts Guess what? I'm not and I will admit to there being a time when I needed to discuss things with my best friend. I needed her to tell me all the stuff I already knew deep down but after a decade of marriage was sort of forgetting. Just because this guy admitted to having these feelings doesn't make him a *******. I suspect that he confided in his friend to help him deal with it and/or guide him to do the right thing. I think OP was looking for advice he could give the guy such as cut off all non work related contact including Facebook. remove himself from temptation before he does something that he will regret. I just don't get how a guy feeling confused and wanting to talk about it instantly makes him a *******.

 

[walden]

I'm not sure I understand your question. Are you wanting to know how to tell him that he's a whining, petulant little fool who needs to grow up and realize that (a) the grass always looks greener on the other side, and (b) why would he be interested in the kind of woman who would throw herself at a married man? Or are you wanting to know if you should tell him to go for it?

I was asking myself exactly the same questions. I think we are all zeroing in on the strange repetitions of "unfair situation." The situation is certainly unfair -- to the wife and children.

Mind you, to do him justice, in his first post the OP said: "However, I'm a very strong "never cheat, never stray" type of guy, so I don't want to go light on him about this, and make sure I get some sort of point across."

So, OP, I'm assuming you agree with us and want to tell him he is being an idiot to even contemplate risking his marriage and relationship with his children for this young chick.

In addition to all the great suggestions above, here are a couple more:

After you tell him he is a fool, also tell him that he needs to talk to a professional counselor not to you. You cannot endorse his behavior if he pursues a relationship with this woman, you will not sympathise with him and, furthermore, you will certainly not be used as an alibi if he wants an affair. Believe me, confiding in a friend is frequently a prelude to Ratty telling his wife that he is late home because he was with Toad.

Second, if a good sense appeal to his morals doesn't work, warn him in no uncertain terms that a relationship with a co-worker is almost always a bad idea. It is almost impossible to keep secret, and rumors will get back to his wife. Also what happens if they break up?

Finally, whop his rear-end with this one: Even if they are not actually in a supervisor/supervisee position (definite potential sexual harassment charges down that road) it is possible that other co-workers could file a "hostile workplace" complaint if their relationship becomes known. No, it does not have to be as blatant as having relations on the copy machine* but can be a simple as making other employees uncomfortable.

* This actually did happen in on place I worked, married man and nubile young thing. Someone walked in on them and both employees were terminated immediately.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

What's he going to do 10 years from now when another temptation like this comes along (and it WILL happen)?

His vow to God and his wife should be enough of a reason to stay away from it. And, if for nothing else, the love of his children. A spouse should never go through the other one having infidelity but the children especially don't deserve the heartbreak it brings.

The best advice you could give to your best friend is that if this other woman is causing him to think of her or talk about her, she is too much of a temptation and he needs to get out of the situation even if it means to find another job because eventually disaster IS going to happen. There is nothing good that will come from flirting with danger, he WILL get bitten.

Yeah, I'm seeing that the "tough" route is going to be the one I have to take. It's not going to be any fun since you never want to be that way with a good friend. The truth is, I know he's going to be upset because he's struggled so hard to find friends at work, but I guess I have to make him see how this is not the friend to have.

Guess I'll have to update this one after tomorrow night.

 

[HeatherH]

Stepped out for lunch and just got caught up with all the responses. I really appreciate all of the responses.

I do agree with everyone who says just go and smack him back into reality, but that may set the wrong tone for something he may really be struggling with. Like I said, I can't wait to go out with him tomorrow and see really what is going on. I don't get the sense that he's asking "permission" because, as PPs have said, he's going to do what he's going to do. I'm wondering if he's seriously trying to figure out how to handle the situation.

Knowing him for all of these years I know he's shy, and I'm certain that he's loving the attention from all of this. Perhaps he's trying to figure out a way to set this girl straight, but still keep her as a friend, because of the way she flatters him? As I said, tomorrow I'll be able to get all of the details and we'll go from there.

I've gotten so many good ideas on how to approach the situation, that I think I'm well armed for battle.

The DIS is really one of the best advisory panels you can find!

You tell him he is playing with fire and if he continues to do so, he risks it turning into a raging inferno that will destroy him and his family.

I wouldn't crucify him as others would. It IS flattering to have someone of the opposite sex think you are interesting and attractive, especially if you are someone who married young and didn't really "play the field" much. THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO PURSUE ANYTHING, but it is just a fact that as humans, especially humans who have been married for a while, we like to be reminded that we still "have it".

However, the person who should be reminding him of that is is his WIFE...and he should be doing the exact same thing for her.

Since it sounds like you are trying to help him extract himself from this situation, I think you need to tell him that subtleness probably won't work here. He needs to tell the woman directly that he is happily married and that their relationship can be nothing but professional. He could try just being "distant" with her but for someone like her, that may make her chase him even more. I think he just has to man up and be direct.

And then go take his wife out on a date.

 

[SaraJayne]

Why is it the woman's fault? Isn't it the man who has the commitment? Lots of married men don't even let you know they're married until it's too late, who is at fault then? He's not being manipulated, he's making a choice. And if he's a butt after that he deserved it.

Women who pursue married men are just as pathetic and disgusting as the men that don't put a stop to it.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Stepped out for lunch and just got caught up with all the responses. I really appreciate all of the responses.

I do agree with everyone who says just go and smack him back into reality, but that may set the wrong tone for something he may really be struggling with. Like I said, I can't wait to go out with him tomorrow and see really what is going on. I don't get the sense that he's asking "permission" because, as PPs have said, he's going to do what he's going to do. I'm wondering if he's seriously trying to figure out how to handle the situation.

Knowing him for all of these years I know he's shy, and I'm certain that he's loving the attention from all of this. Perhaps he's trying to figure out a way to set this girl straight, but still keep her as a friend, because of the way she flatters him? As I said, tomorrow I'll be able to get all of the details and we'll go from there.

I've gotten so many good ideas on how to approach the situation, that I think I'm well armed for battle.

The DIS is really one of the best advisory panels you can find!

He should not be trying to keep her as a 'friend'.

 

[tlbwriter]

What's he going to do 10 years from now when another temptation like this comes along (and it WILL happen)?

Or one year from now, when he realizes having "so much in common" really only means they like the same movies and restaurants? And that it was all just about the thrill, and there wasn't ever a real relationship there?

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Yeah, I'm seeing that the "tough" route is going to be the one I have to take. It's not going to be any fun since you never want to be that way with a good friend. The truth is, I know he's going to be upset because he's struggled so hard to find friends at work, but I guess I have to make him see how this is not the friend to have.

Guess I'll have to update this one after tomorrow night.

I'd be upset if I was doing something similar and my friend didn't box my ears and tell me what I was doing was wrong.

You shouldn't purposely be mean to someone who is your friend, but sometimes tough love is in order. If you have to tiptoe around your "friend" you guys are closer to acquaintences than friends. True friends are there through thick and thin and aren't afraid to tell you that you're being an idiot at times. If your buddy had something stuck in his teeth would you tell him or let him find out on his own because you didn't want to embarass him? The tart is like that something. Needs to be called out for what it is.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I'd be upset if I was doing something similar and my friend didn't box my ears and tell me what I was doing was wrong.

You shouldn't purposely be mean to someone who is your friend, but sometimes tough love is in order. If you have to tiptoe around your "friend" you guys are closer to acquaintences than friends. True friends are there through thick and thin and aren't afraid to tell you that you're being an idiot at times. If your buddy had something stuck in his teeth would you tell him or let him find out on his own because you didn't want to embarass him? The tart is like that something. Needs to be called out for what it is.

Well, we are guys, so I'd probably let it stick in his teeth for a little while before I told him.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Well, we are guys, so I'd probably let it stick in his teeth for a little while before I told him.

 

[walden]

Yeah, I'm seeing that the "tough" route is going to be the one I have to take. It's not going to be any fun since you never want to be that way with a good friend. The truth is, I know he's going to be upset because he's struggled so hard to find friends at work, but I guess I have to make him see how this is not the friend to have.

Guess I'll have to update this one after tomorrow night.

Good luck. And do tell him to talk to his pastor and/or a professional counselor. Sounds to me that he could use some therapy.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Hey sometimes comedy writes itself. Food in teeth, toothpaste on shirt...classics.

 

[rockydek]

I say....Go for it!
That way...his wife does not invest anymore time in a relationship that her husband does not RESPECT!
That Husband and Father knows the difference between right and wrong..Waiting for a friends approval...Is so... not cool!

 

[Arielle22]

Mind you, to do him justice, in his first post the OP said: "However, I'm a very strong "never cheat, never stray" type of guy, so I don't want to go light on him about this, and make sure I get some sort of point across."

So, OP, I'm assuming you agree with us and want to tell him he is being an idiot to even contemplate risking his marriage and relationship with his children for this young chick.

In addition to all the great suggestions above, here are a couple more:

Second, if a good sense appeal to his morals doesn't work, warn him in no uncertain terms that a relationship with a co-worker is almost always a bad idea. It is almost impossible to keep secret, and rumors will get back to his wife. Also what happens if they break up?

Finally, whop his rear-end with this one: Even if they are not actually in a supervisor/supervisee position (definite potential sexual harassment charges down that road) it is possible that other co-workers could file a "hostile workplace" complaint if their relationship becomes known. No, it does not have to be as blatant as having relations on the copy machine* but can be a simple as making other employees uncomfortable.

* This actually did happen in on place I worked, married man and nubile young thing. Someone walked in on them and both employees were terminated immediately.

At my last job I worked with DH. DH had worked there 15 years when I started. There was another man DH's age who also had worked there 15+ years.

A young woman in the office started coming onto DH when they shared an office. Among other things, one day at lunch she was peeling his orange. That night I talked to DH and explained it didn't look right. DH was not interested but didn't see how it looked bad. So DH made sure to keep his distance.

The young woman moved onto the other man who was also married and had 2 boys the same age as our girls. The man spoke to DH about how he was tempted by the woman. DH explained that she had already come onto him. The other man didn't listen and they had an affair.

The entire company knew about it and his reputation was shot. He went from an upstanding person to someone who cannot be trusted. His wife stayed with him after she found out and they are still together now.

The woman was engaged but when her fiance found out he broke off the engagement.

DH and I have been married 25 years since we were 19 and 21. We consider ourselves lucky that fate brought us together so young so we can have that many more years with each other.

OP, I would point out to your friend that once he begins something with this woman there is no going back. If you will have changed feelings for him based on his behavior then state that as well. I don't think you should sugarcoat how bad this would be for him. If he is asking your advice and you think it is a bad thing then tell him so.

Also, Is it possible that the woman isn't interested in him that way? Maybe he is confusing friendship or being polite/getting to know a coworker with something more. Unless she tells him her Facebook posts are about him, he doesn't know for sure.