Need help on how to approach friend.

[NHdisneylover]

Exactly. I vote to send him my way. My dad cheated on my mom and it destroyed everything. I will sit him down and set him straight! It took me a long time to realize what you said above. It also creates major trust problems. If your dad, the one man who you are supposed to be able to always count on, can betray your mother and you and your siblings, how do you trust anyone else? There is no need to hurt the innocent people in this situation. And by acting on any of these feelings, emotionally or physically, he is doing exactly that.

Same boat here, it took me over 10 years to learn to trust my DH. I couldn't trust any man after daddy took off on the family to have his ego stroked by some young co-worker who saw "an established family man with a decent income" that she wanted for her own use.

And that lasted less than a year, surprisingly it isn't so fun anymore when you realize that all the tart wants is your wallet.....what about all that talk about being handsome, smart, interesting, having so much in common...

I am so sorry that both of your fathers let you down like that I am glad you both eventually learned to trust men again--there are good ones out there

 

[Robinrs]

TP:

Didja THINK you'd come to the DIS and get a bunch of people telling you to tell him "have fun, guy"????

Most of the people here are WIVES.

Your friend is the one with the issue. He's NOT going to need your permission or okay to do whatever he does. You can tell him whatever (and tell him you asked a bunch of women on a Disney site and they AGREED with you) and see how that flies.

In the meantime see what comes of it. He may do it or not, you don't have to give your opinion. I think he was probably expecting a "high-five" from you but you are a different kind of guy, and I'm sure he knows that by now.

Good luck.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Oh please. Is this guy a grown up? Because grown ups understand that LIFE ISN'T FAIR!! You make your choices and you live with them. Is it fair to his daughters and his wife that suddenly daddy isn't happy because he wants to chase some tail? This guy's a *******.

Exactly!

Has your friend ever wondered why this 'great' girl isn't married or have an unmarried man as a friend? She sounds desperate since she needs to go after a married man.
Anytime I hear a situation like this, I think of some of our infamous politicians whose lives and families' lives have been ruined because some new female paid attention to them. Most went from being highly respected to being regarded as fools and the butt of jokes. Is your friend that easily manipulated?

 

[ccgirl]

I want to share a personal story with you in the hopes of sharing your friend and his family some heartaches. My DH did the same thing. Had an emotional affair with someone at work. Thing is, he was with her more than me due to work. The important thing to remember is, they (the friend/coworker) have no burdens. For example, bills, 3 kids etc. We will always be tempted. My DH and myself went to counseling once he told me he still loved me. Turned out, he didn't "love" the other woman as much as he thought he did. He loved the idea of a carefree lifestyle. We had issues in our marriage as well that we needed to deal with. I am happy to say that we are stronger today than we have ever been. He was 17 when we met so I was his high school sweetheart and only his 2nd girlfriend. If he is feeling a strong urge to stray he needs to ask himself why. Maybe he and his wife need some marriage counseling. We never know what happens behind closed doors. Is he really willing to throw his family away? Eventually, new relationships will have burdens too. I'm not calling children "burdens", I'm not sure of a better word to use. Good luck and thank you for being such a good friend to him.

I just read Tinkermommy's post and just wanted to say that she hit the nail on the head. SOunds like they need to rekindle their romance. Do they go on dates? It is so easy to get stuck in a rut when life is happening around you. I know that happened to my DH and myself. Maybe he can take his wife on a surprise romantic dinner or a night out at a local hotel. Do they have someone to watch the kids? Good luck to you for wanting to talk some common sense into him.

 

[Motherofboys]

I am so sorry that both of your fathers let you down like that I am glad you both eventually learned to trust men again--there are good ones out there

Thank you The effects on the kids is one of those things people don't think about when they are deluding themselves with thoughts of "my kids want my happiness too" or "kids are flexible, they will learn how to cope"

You know one of the compounding factors in the whole "I can't trust any man, men are all pigs" issue was the fact that all of my dad's friends (who were family friends of many years) all showed up at his wedding to the mistress, supported him, etc.....not one had the guts to say there was anything wrong with what he did to my mom and us kids

I really hated all of them for that, not one guy had the guts to say that cheating on your wife and leaving your family was wrong.....because hey, they are guys and guys don't do that Wouldn't want to make your buddy mad at you!

 

[ols386]

From how you describe your friend, it sounds like he is loving that he is getting attention from the young, cute woman. If he's always been a shy and/or quiet person, this whole situation is probably really boosting his ego.

He needs to focus on his marriage and on his family, not on the other woman. He should try and avoid the other woman as much as possible (but I know you said they work together), and he probably needs to let the other woman know, in no uncertain terms that he is married with a family, and plans to keep it that way. He is playing with fire here.

It sounds as though he is contemplating cheating on his wife, and that's probably a big mistake. If he does, I think he will regret it later.

 

[Robinrs]

Exactly!

Has your friend ever wondered why this 'great' girl isn't married or have an unmarried man as a friend? She sounds desperate since she needs to go after a married man.
Anytime I hear a situation like this, I think of some of our infamous politicians whose lives and families' lives have been ruined because some new female paid attention to them. Most went from being highly respected to being regarded as fools and the butt of jokes. Is your friend that easily manipulated?

Why is it the woman's fault? Isn't it the man who has the commitment? Lots of married men don't even let you know they're married until it's too late, who is at fault then? He's not being manipulated, he's making a choice. And if he's a butt after that he deserved it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Basically a new girl has started at his work and they both have a ton in common. She's fairly attractive, and the common bonds they share only seem to enhance that image, in his mind. This girl is obviously interested (even though she knows he's married) because she constantly changes her facebook status talking about things like, "Why are all the good ones taken," etc.

Help me out DISers!

Sorry, but I just re-read your original post, and really, there is NOTHING to be confused about here.

Look at what I bolded above...

WTH is this guy doing even indulging in this woman's facebook page?

She is a skank.
And, just for going this far with the situation, he is very, very, very, wrong. He should have had very clear pre-existing boundaries. And, these have been crossed. Big time.

You should not be confused.
Your friend should not be confused.

The writing is on the wall.

Your 'friend' will do whatever they decide to do.

As for you, you need to decide, for yourself, if you want to maintain this friendship and continue to be a part of this.
You are only responsible for making your OWN moral decision here.

PS: I have to say that I very strongly suspect that this situation is only being represented as a male friend of a male friend. To me, it has the ring of a possible woman involved in this situation in some way.

If it is, indeed, a man, who is NOT thinking with a body part other than his brain...
that doesn't ring true (or neurotypical).
Thus my thoughts that this person doesn't need a 'tart'...
I feel a strong possibility that he could need some professional help.

There should be absolutely NOTHING that he could have 'in common' with a younger, single, flirty, tart that could even come close to what he should have with his wife... a ten+ year relationship, wonderful children, etc...

A man, thinking with the wrong body part, I could almost understand.

But, to me, what has been described just seems way, way, off.

 

[indimom]

To everything that has already been said here.

And, I'm sorry, he is NOT thinking with his brain. Anyone with half a brain can see all the pain, torment and suffering this will cause and WOULDN'T EVEN CONSIDER IT.

 

[ols386]

Why is it the woman's fault? Isn't it the man who has the commitment? Lots of married men don't even let you know they're married until it's too late, who is at fault then? He's not being manipulated, he's making a choice. And if he's a butt after that he deserved it.

I agree.

He is the one who is married, he is the one who has to put a stop to this situation before it goes any further.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am not seeing where this poster suggested that it was the woman's fault.

She agreed with the very first post, which I love, which called this guy a *******.

He should have stopped any thoughts of this before they ever started.
He has engaged in this, and IMHO, is already at fault.

 

[lisaviolet]

He is a ******* for even hosting the IDEA of her.
.

Huh? My parents have been married for fifty three years. Not in perfection OF COURSE but my father still looks at my mother like she's the redheaded girl he missed streetcars for and fell head over heels.

However, I would be shocked if in those fifty three years if he never hosted in his head the idea of someone other than her. He's human. And he certainly wouldn't be a *******.

OP - hmmm.

Your friend sounds very lost. And this woman is just highlighting it.

One I think it's good in the end your friend spoke this out with you - although it must be very awkward for you. I hear you that it's not normal man conversation. I would bet part of him wants you - maybe even unconsciously - to set him straight and that's why he did it.

I think it's a moment to tell your friend to regroup and go after everything he wants his marriage to be. This girl is merely a wake up call - it's about him and his marriage. If he wants more intimacy - go after it. If he wants more fun - go after it. If he feels he's lacking attention - give his wife more and more each day and I'm sure that will come around back to him. And if after some time if it doesn't - speak up respectfully. Tell him to give his wife everything that he wants and *might* feel he's lacking. And if everything is okay at home - it's time to look at it all and be grateful.

(OP edited b/c it was a feeling only and not fair).

Every one of us needs to look at what we have - open our eyes to what we have to be grateful for - and try to lovingly change those things that aren't working. Yes easier said than done - but huge benefits.

My parents have been married for a long time. But for me - length of marriage- in itself/in isolation - is not the goal or the be all and end all. A happy marriage is - one that doesn't sit in denial over issues - including all the ups and downs. Ups and downs - both having their importance and beauty.

 

[sunnyday123]

Oh please. Is this guy a grown up? Because grown ups understand that LIFE ISN'T FAIR!! You make your choices and you live with them. Is it fair to his daughters and his wife that suddenly daddy isn't happy because he wants to chase some tail? This guy's a *******.

Exactly. And, might I add, if you don't know what to tell him, you're one in training.

She's the "one"? Because they have a lot in common? Give me a freaking break. Tell whiney boy to get his head out of his butt. Are you sure he isn't a 14 year old girl? Please.

 

[Wishing on a star]

To everything that has already been said here.

And, I'm sorry, he is NOT thinking with his brain. Anyone with half a brain can see all the pain, torment and suffering this will cause and WOULDN'T EVEN CONSIDER IT.

This guy might be thinking with his brain, and not another body part...
If so, this is why I highly suggest that this person is not neurotypical.

 

[tlbwriter]

I'm not sure I understand your question. Are you wanting to know how to tell him that he's a whining, petulant little fool who needs to grow up and realize that (a) the grass always looks greener on the other side, and (b) why would he be interested in the kind of woman who would throw herself at a married man? Or are you wanting to know if you should tell him to go for it?

 

[Lionqueen2]

Why is it the woman's fault? Isn't it the man who has the commitment? Lots of married men don't even let you know they're married until it's too late, who is at fault then? He's not being manipulated, he's making a choice. And if he's a butt after that he deserved it.

You are absolutly right that the married man has the commitment and involvement with another woman is totally his own doing. However, in this situation, it did sound like the office worker was being the aggressor and knows the friend was married based on the comment that 'all the good ones are taken'. There decidedly is something wrong with a woman who knowingly goes after a married man.

 

[bevgray]

Just tell your friend that the more he sees of other women, the more he'll appreciate the one he's got.

It sounds to me like he's been thrown for a bit of a loop and is seeking some reassurance from his friend. Not permission to cheat. Not knowing the young woman or your friend, it's probably one of those deals where there is a spark. It does happen. All of us have multiple kindred spirits throughout our lives. It's only a problem if he acts on it. You might recommend that he keep his distance though from this new colleague. Don't seek her out and don't let her seek him out (i.e., if they like to have morning break together to chat about common interests, stop doing it).

Don't lecture the poor guy. Be supportive but do help him remember all the things he loves about his wife and their life together. We all get bored. That's what makes live a challenge. Successful married folk learn that you have to keep falling right back in love with each other. Maybe he and his wife have been too wrapped up in work and their daughters. You might suggest that he take her away for the weekend for a bit of "reacquainting".

 

[Bethenny]

I want to know what makes this guy think the facebook status is about him? Did it not occur to him that it could be about someone else?

 

[OceanAnnie]

To everything that has already been said here.

And, I'm sorry, he is NOT thinking with his brain. Anyone with half a brain can see all the pain, torment and suffering this will cause and WOULDN'T EVEN CONSIDER IT.

You got that right. I think it's sad a person can become confused over a little attention.

Maybe if your (half-brained) friend put more attention on his marriage and being a parent, than Miss (Kind of) Cute Thing, he wouldn't be confused.

He sounds very selfish and self absorbed. That's something he should be talking over with his wife, not a friend. But I bet he won't do that!

 

[MushyMushy]

I've been going through this with a friend for going on two years now (and I think I've added it up to 10 men she's been interested in). At first I tried giving her common sense advice and being a loyal friend and listening ear. But then I realized that enough is enough. I can't stand to hear it any more. I'm sick of her "confusion." I'm tired of the infidelities right in front of my face. I'm just done.

So, what I would do if I had it to do all over -- I'd tell her to GROW UP and to come back and talk to me when she gets her head out of her butt. I'd advise you to do the same if you want to retain the least bit of respect for your friend.