Need engagement party gift advice...what would you do?

[CleoPahd]

Sorry, this is going to be a long one...
My brother, who is 3 years younger than me, got engaged in May. Though we live in different states we have always been very close despite being quite opposite. The weekend of the engagement my parents, my husband and I chipped in and made up a gift basket with champagne, a picture frame, glasses & goodies to congratulate them. My parents are not well off. They are not poor, but they have struggled the past few years due to medical expenses. We are comfortable, (not loaded by any means)but are able to stay that way because we don't splurge on ourselves often so that we can save for things we truly enjoy such as vacations and a nice home. Fast forward to now, 5 months later. The bride's family has decided to throw them a lavish engagement party at a nice hotel with a sit down meal for a large number of people (100+), but only the brides side of the family is invited, with the exception of me, my husband, our daughter and my parents. I feel obligated to give another gift, but am on the fence about how much to spend. I've already picked up two novelty books as a token gift...one for the bride, one for the groom, related to getting married($7 ea), but I'm thinking I should be giving a cash gift as well.

Before I go any further let me say that when my husband and I married 5 years ago at Disney my brother did attend the wedding, but he and his then girlfriend (now soon to be bride who opted to not come to our wedding) did not give us any gifts...NOTHING. We are pretty low key people and had a very small, intimate wedding and had no showers/parties before the wedding. I knew the trip would be of some expense to our immediate family, so I did not expect fancy gifts, however I thought we would receive something, even if it was small and after the fact.

My brother spends money on himself like it's burning a hole in his pocket and spares no expense. He lives a high end/fast paced lifestyle. I can't compete with his lifestyle, nor would I choose to. I fully plan to spend a comfortable amount when they have their shower which will only be a few months away at this point and for the wedding this summer, but I just don't know how to handle this particular event. He is my only sibling. I looked at their wedding registry and the things they are asking for are extremely expensive. For the price of 1 fitted sheet on their registry I could buy myself several complete sets! What should I do?

There is already starting to be some bad blood within the family over this wedding. My brother has chosen not to invite just about anyone from our side of the family, making it seem as though he is embarrassed by us which has been very hurtful to my parents. Though they dated for a few years, this engagement and wedding came on quite quickly and my parents have not committed themselves financially to any part of it just yet, though I know they will do good by my brother. They are actively saving for this event, but my brother is upset by the fact that they have not taken the traditional role of the grooms parents and promised to pay for the traditional expenses. When I was married I knew they could not afford a wedding for me, nor did I expect them to pay for one-and they didn't.

For months my brother and is fiance have told us all about the people they asked to be in the wedding and how they took all these trips to go out to where these people lived and asked them in person. Early on I thought I might be asked due to how close we have always been, but after hearing about the other people and having visited with my brother and his fiance a few times since their engagement I assumed I hadn't been considered. It was much to my surprise when I received a call from his fiance asking me to be in the wedding. I was caught completely off guard as she explained to me how they really wanted to ask everyone in person, but since they hadn't been able to see me she was asking me over the phone. It was odd because I had visited with my brother 1 1/2 weeks prior(which is when he told me he wasn't wanting to invite anyone from our side of the family because he didn't really care for them and needed the room for his friends), and with them both 3 1/2 weeks prior. When I didn't jump to say yes right away she became audibly upset. I started to cry and explained that I might not be such a good fit for a number of reasons and that after my visit with my brother some unexpected feelings came up that I hadn't shared with him and that I wanted to talk to him and think about it. They are very appearance obsessed and live for high end name brands....sooo not me. I'm slightly overweight and love a good bargain. On our last visit they were telling us how they planned to get their teeth done together because we couldn't understand what it was like to be surrounded by beautiful people all the time, that this is what they had to face every day with their friends and they were humiliated to have less than perfect teeth. Sitting there as they said this was my poor mother who has battled tooth problems her entire life and is so embarrassed by it, but can't afford to fix it and my poor husband with cf whose teeth are in terrible shape and stained due to all the powerful medications he's taken over the years. By the way, they both have very nice teeth...much straighter than mine and bright white. More power to them if they want to have perfect teeth, but to say it like that made us all feel like we were so beneath them and those they know.

Ok, back to the phone call...Later that night my brother and I spoke and had a good cry and he told me that he was wrong to not want our family there but that the wedding was happening so fast, faster than he was planning and that he wanted me to take my time and not rush to answer, that there was plenty of time to think things over. A week later I found out through the grapevine that they had a wedding website and upon visiting it I saw the entire wedding party listed with a synopsis about each person...no mention of me, but there were an even number of guys & girls. So I'm guessing they were hoping I would say no and maybe just asked me as a courtesy...I don't really know. As much as I would have loved to have stood up with my brother as part of his wedding party, it's comforting to know I'll be seated with my immediate family and parents. I think they will need all the comfort they can get since it seems as though we'll be the losers in some dark corner of the venue.

What do I do? Do I need an expensive gift for this party and if so, what should I be spending? I don't want there to be any more hurt, this is supposed to be a happy time and I truly am happy for them.

 

[NMAmy]

First off-- I can tell you're hurting from your brother's behavior.

For the engagement gift, I would go ahead and give the books that you've already gotten the couple. You've already given them an engagement gift and it's not like you need to feel as though you're matching an extravagant gift given to you by your brother when you were married.

As to being in the wedding party, after reading about the way your brother and fiance act, I'd decline. My guess is that the financial outlay you'd be expected to put out would be very uncomfortable for you. When I read that someone spends their own money like water, in my experience, that kind of person is very willing to volunteer you to spend your money like that, as well.

If I were you, I'd also have a talk with your parents. They should not be contributing to your brother's wedding if they're having financial hardships themselves. No one is owed a big wedding. If your brother and his future wife want a big fancy party, then they should be footing the bill themselves.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would give a card with cash if I were attending the engagement party. I know you would like to punish them however that would have better done declining the engagement party. Since you choose to attend you are obligated to give a gift. I think cash is best for this.

If I were you, I would just let all your frustrations go and not worry about your brother. Stop calling him and talking about the pain of the wedding plans. That is just not a good thing to do. You have said you piece, now let it go.

I know what they are doing is hurtful, they sound very selfish. Attend, be polite, and try and have a good time.

Thank goodness you are NOT in the wedding party! I would decline as well. Geesh. That would not be something I would want to be a part of.

 

[kimblebee]

I don't think you should have to give a gift beyond the books you already have. You already gave them a gift, you said you are going to give them a shower gift AND you are going to give them a wedding gift. Holy smokes that's a lot of gifts for anybody.

I do agree that it is probably better to decline the invitation to be in the wedding party. That way, you can sit and watch from a distance.

 

[CleoPahd]

Thank you all for your kind words. This hasn't been easy. He's my only brother and I love him very much, but there is obviously a lot of hurt right now. My intention isn't to punish them, as sad as I am. I just feel like I'm expected to give give give, but there's never been a whole lot of receiving on my end. My brother calls me frequently to speak of the wedding details...we are that close. I try not to put in my 2 cents and just listen and wish him well. The thing is, I never had the opportunity to decline being in the wedding party....they just sort of rejected the invite after they asked me without even telling me. The next time I spoke to my brother after I saw the website, I told him how beautiful it was and what nice things they had written about everyone and my brother said to me that he knew it wasn't really my style to be in the spotlight so he figured I wouldn't be in the wedding. It had only been a week since he had asked me to take my time and think about it.

As to why I am attending the party at all... When my parents were told about it by the brides side they were informed of where and when the event was and told that they could go for free, but anyone else would have to pay and gave the dollar amount per person. The only other people that could have possibly been invited from our side was me, my husband and daughter since my brother had rejected all friends and family from our side to make room for his own friends. My parents insisted on paying for us to attend with them so that they would not be alone at the party. They were also told that it would be appreciated if they could help with the expense of the event, which caught them off guard since they had had no say in where or when the party would be and who would be invited.

For those suggesting I give cash, how much would even be appropriate? This would be their second engagement gift from me. Again, that you all so much for taking the time to read this and offer advice.

 

[Christine]

I would just give the books and leave it at that. The books are a nice, thoughtful gesture on your part. They don't *need* anymore money, especially from people who can't give it and they shouldn't expect it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you all for your kind words. This hasn't been easy. He's my only brother and I love him very much, but there is obviously a lot of hurt right now. My intention isn't to punish them, as sad as I am. I just feel like I'm expected to give give give, but there's never been a whole lot of receiving on my end. My brother calls me frequently to speak of the wedding details...we are that close. I try not to put in my 2 cents and just listen and wish him well. The thing is, I never had the opportunity to decline being in the wedding party....they just sort of rejected the invite after they asked me without even telling me. The next time I spoke to my brother after I saw the website, I told him how beautiful it was and what nice things they had written about everyone and my brother said to me that he knew it wasn't really my style to be in the spotlight so he figured I wouldn't be in the wedding. It had only been a week since he had asked me to take my time and think about it.

As to why I am attending the party at all... When my parents were told about it by the brides side they were informed of where and when the event was and told that they could go for free, but anyone else would have to pay and gave the dollar amount per person. The only other people that could have possibly been invited from our side was me, my husband and daughter since my brother had rejected all friends and family from our side to make room for his own friends. My parents insisted on paying for us to attend with them so that they would not be alone at the party. They were also told that it would be appreciated if they could help with the expense of the event, which caught them off guard since they had had no say in where or when the party would be and who would be invited.

For those suggesting I give cash, how much would even be appropriate? This would be their second engagement gift from me. Again, that you all so much for taking the time to read this and offer advice.

So people are paying to attend this? Really? I know your parents are being nice in attending however hindsight is 20/20.

How much are the people paying to attend the event? That is how much I would give. (As tacky as it is)

Your parents sort of roped you into this.

You agreed to go to the event so pay up. If you don't want to give, give, give, then you have to start declining invites unfortuately.

I know it sucks, however it sounds like if you don't give enough $$$ the bride's family is going to be ticked off.

Since you are close with your brother and want to keep it that way, ticking off the bride is probably not the way to go.

Anyway that is how I would play this. Weddings blow things out of proportion and I would not make a "stand" with something I agreed to go to.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[Thmacs1]

I never reply to posts but your obvious pain over this situation moved me to respond. Maybe things are diffrent in the midwest but large engagement parties with sit down dinners are not the norm. More like cocktail parties. Gifts are optional, not expected, and never cash. I think the fact that you have gifted thme once already and your book gift is adequate. Write a lovely heartfelt card wishing them happiness and be done. Save your money for those fitted sheets LOL!! I do believe you will be happier not in the wedding party, even though the situation was handled poorly by your brother and his fiance. Perhaps they can find another role for you in the wedding like a reader in church or the like. So sorry for your pain and hoping you will find peace with this situation.

 

[NMAmy]

They're charging people to attend this party? No way would I give anything besides the books.

 

[CleoPahd]

So people are paying to attend this? Really? I know your parents are being nice in attending however hindsight is 20/20.

How much are the people paying to attend the event? That is how much I would give. (As tacky as it is)

Your parents sort of roped you into this.

You agreed to go to the event so pay up. If you don't want to give, give, give, then you have to start declining invites unfortuately.

I know it sucks, however it sounds like if you don't give enough $$$ the bride's family is going to be ticked off.

Since you are close with your brother and want to keep it that way, ticking off the bride is probably not the way to go.

Anyway that is how I would play this. Weddings blow things out of proportion and I would not make a "stand" with something I agreed to go to.

I hope that makes sense.

I get what you are saying.

The only people that have to pay to attend this are us(me, my husband & daughter). They said my parents are invited to attend for free and that we are also invited, but there was a cost to attend for US. The bride's family is picking up the tab for everyone they invited on their side, which at this point is the only side since there will only be a total of 2 people from our family (my parents )in over 100+ guests. They then tried to get my parents to kick in and pay for part of those other guests as well, which they can't afford to do and in my opinion shouldn't have to do since they were given no opportunity to have a part in the planning of this event and are not allowed to invite anyone else to this event per my brother's wishes. My parents of course feel terrible that we are expected to pay for ourselves so have insisted on paying for us to attend the event since they would like for us to be there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I get what you are saying.

The only people that have to pay to attend this are us(me, my husband & daughter). They said my parents are invited to attend for free and that we are also invited, but there was a cost to attend for US. The bride's family is picking up the tab for everyone they invited on their side, which at this point is the only side since there will only be a total of 2 people from our family (my parents )in over 100+ guests. They then tried to get my parents to kick in and pay for part of those other guests as well, which they can't afford to do and in my opinion shouldn't have to do since they were given no opportunity to have a part in the planning of this event and are not allowed to invite anyone else to this event per my brother's wishes. My parents of course feel terrible that we are expected to pay for ourselves so have insisted on paying for us to attend the event since they would like for us to be there.

So your parents are already covering your "attendance fee"? OK, got it.

Tricky situation. If you give something "cheap" (referring the registery) then that will stand out, if you give nothing that will stand out.

How much do you want to stay close with your brother? This is about appeasing the brides side.

If it were me, I would probably give a card with money and be done.

Your parents are the ones that are making you go and you agreed to it so in order to "save face" with your attendance, give the appropriate gift.

Weddings are not the place to "make a stand". Your issue is really with your parents for making you go to this event since you are really not wanted there in the first place. I am sure bride would not care if you were there or not.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I get what you are saying.

The only people that have to pay to attend this are us(me, my husband & daughter). They said my parents are invited to attend for free and that we are also invited, but there was a cost to attend for US. The bride's family is picking up the tab for everyone they invited on their side, which at this point is the only side since there will only be a total of 2 people from our family (my parents )in over 100+ guests. They then tried to get my parents to kick in and pay for part of those other guests as well, which they can't afford to do and in my opinion shouldn't have to do since they were given no opportunity to have a part in the planning of this event and are not allowed to invite anyone else to this event per my brother's wishes. My parents of course feel terrible that we are expected to pay for ourselves so have insisted on paying for us to attend the event since they would like for us to be there.

That's really strange.

I feel for you. You are in a tight spot. You want to do the right thing, but still there are some circumstances that make you upset (and with good reason).

I think MM has a good idea, if you can swing it. If not, give what you comfortably can. It shouldn't be all about appearances. You have a family to consider and they are the jet setters where the world is their oyster. Surely at some point they can see that.

Thank your lucky stars you aren't in that wedding! I'm sure the expenses for that would abound.

to you and your parents. It looks like a very bumpy and uncomfortable ride. I hope the expectations end with the wedding, but brace yourself, sometimes that is not the case.

 

[Christine]

Why is anyone trying to appease the bride's family? I realize that you don't want bad blood, but it sounds like your brother knows you and isn't going to ditch you over because you sent some heartfelt books.

My thoughts are that whatever you do, it won't be "good enough" for the bride or her family. If you send money, it won't be the "right" amount. If you don't send money, then they will talk about that.

But imagine the bride, spending the next 40 years making snide comments about your handpicked, heartfelt books. It will only make her look awful in the eyes of normal people. It probably won't help her case in the future with your brother.

 

[HoneyPooh]

I don't have any advice for you because I can't get past the part where your parents are expected to help pay for a party that only the brides family and your brothers friends are invited to. Very very odd.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why is anyone trying to appease the bride's family? I realize that you don't want bad blood, but it sounds like your brother knows you and isn't going to ditch you over because you sent some heartfelt books.

My thoughts are that whatever you do, it won't be "good enough" for the bride or her family. If you send money, it won't be the "right" amount. If you don't send money, then they will talk about that.

But imagine the bride, spending the next 40 years making snide comments about your handpicked, heartfelt books. It will only make her look awful in the eyes of normal people. It probably won't help her case in the future with your brother.

I guess I feel the pain and hurt in the OP's posts. I would hate for her to add to her plight by not giving an appropriate gift.

Esp. since the bride's family is going to know that the parents paid for their plates.

It is just so darn tricky to know what the right thing to do is. She said in her posts that her brother is all about blowing through cash and sparing no expense on himself.

 

[golfgal]

I get what you are saying.

The only people that have to pay to attend this are us(me, my husband & daughter). They said my parents are invited to attend for free and that we are also invited, but there was a cost to attend for US. The bride's family is picking up the tab for everyone they invited on their side, which at this point is the only side since there will only be a total of 2 people from our family (my parents )in over 100+ guests. They then tried to get my parents to kick in and pay for part of those other guests as well, which they can't afford to do and in my opinion shouldn't have to do since they were given no opportunity to have a part in the planning of this event and are not allowed to invite anyone else to this event per my brother's wishes. My parents of course feel terrible that we are expected to pay for ourselves so have insisted on paying for us to attend the event since they would like for us to be there.

I think your brother is in for a very stressful life. I have seen this happen with people I know where one side of the family excludes the other thinking they are no good, not up to their standards, whatever. I would spend as much time with your brother as you can now because I will bet in about 2 years, if they last that long, that you won't see him. They won't come to family functions, they won't attend holidays. She will find all kinds of excuses not to get together.

I would NOT attend the party and I would make sure your brother knows WHY(you being charged admission). I would send the books if you want but I would NOT get them anything else.

 

[diznygirl]

Is this your brother's second wedding? Why isn't he getting a say in anything? He needs to stand up to bridezilla now, or get comfortable living with Wifezilla.

As for you - give the books you have. Write a nice message in them. And then sit back and relax until the wedding. This is all on your brother. Let him deal with the stress. All you have to do is attend.

 

[Christine]

I guess I feel the pain and hurt in the OP's posts. I would hate for her to add to her plight by not giving an appropriate gift.

Esp. since the bride's family is going to know that the parents paid for their plates.

It is just so darn tricky to know what the right thing to do is. She said in her posts that her brother is all about blowing through cash and sparing no expense on himself.

Oh, I feel the pain too. Except it has turned into absolute disbelief for me (and anger). And what's not "appropriate" about purchasing books that the OP (the gift giver) thinks are nice and obviously heartfelt? Is there really an "appropriate" level for gift giving? Seriously, is there a dollar amount? This is their family. The couple should be happy with their presence at the event and the gift should not matter. I don't think the OP should change her ways or what she thought was a good gift because the bride and her family have turned into temporary monsters.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh, I feel the pain too. Except it has turned into absolute disbelief for me (and anger). And what's not "appropriate" about purchasing books that the OP (the gift giver) thinks are nice and obviously heartfelt? Is there really an "appropriate" level for gift giving? Seriously, is there a dollar amount? This is their family. The couple should be happy with their presence at the event and the gift should not matter. I don't think the OP should change her ways or what she thought was a good gift because the bride and her family have turned into temporary monsters.

I know what you are saying. Frankly I am upset that the parents were not smart enough to decline or that they drug her into this fray.

It is just "wrong" to begin with, you know?

If this is about the bride's family why did the brother drag his parents into it, you know? Very sad really.

 

[krcit]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this OP. It stinks. With that being said, I am of the opinion that people should pay for thier own weddings with no expectations. If family wants to chip in then that's all well and good but as for this outdated notion that the bride's family pays for this and the grooms'a family for that, I find it ridiculous. So I think that them 'charging' admission to your parents for you is horrible and I would have a hard time getting past that. I would though b/c you love your brother. I would give a gift that you can afford and to heck with 'impressing' the bride's side. I would think that would be impossible to do anyway.